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I have betrayed my child's sense of security

Old 08-08-2011, 06:00 PM
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Unhappy I have betrayed my child's sense of security

I am having such horrible guilt and anxiety. My youngest son, aged 15, has moved out to live with his father. He cannot take the roller-coaster any longer. My ABF was verbally abusive to him about 2 weeks ago, about a week after he fell off the wagon. He can be an extremely mean drunk. Long story short I threw ABF out and assured my son he would never have to take that type of sh*t again.

Fast forward two weeks to this past weekend and, of course, I have taken ABF back in. He has hit rock bottom in 3 weeks time thanks to partying without relent and I am in full-on codie mode. He is going to start detox tomorrow with Librium, supposedly.

My son says he is not going to have any part of it this time around. Things were "ok" between ABF and son during the 5 months of sobriety. The preceding year, when ABF was not sober, was hell according to my son. He says that he stayed here with me because he wanted to give me support and to give ABF a chance to prove himself while sober.

I am just so freaking depressed now. I can't bear to not be involved in my son's day-to-day life. I can't bear for him to believe that I am choosing my ABF over him. I asked him to please give ABF another chance to be sober and then reassess the situation. He said no.

That's all. I really just needed to get this off my chest.

Maureen
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:07 PM
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Is the father a good man?
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:09 PM
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I can't really blame him. You broke your promise to your son. I would probably have made the same choice.

Is this where you hit your bottom?
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:10 PM
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I am sure this hurts, but my immediate thought was "what a mature kid." He tried to help you and give the bf a chance, but also realized where his boundaries are and pulled away for his own well-being. You should be very proud of him.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:11 PM
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Yes, his dad is a very good man. I always believed I was a very good mom too. I don't know what has happened to me.

It should be my rock bottom, but I can't say that it is.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:15 PM
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I sacrificed my oldest daughter's well being for many years as she was growing up, all for the sake of having a man in my life.

I'm not proud of that.

I've made my amends, and that is the best that I can do, besides living amends every day by working a program of recovery.

Where is your program of recovery?

I think your son made the best choice possible for his own sanity given the circumstances.
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:15 PM
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(((hugs)))

I've been there. I've been there when my son (who was about 15 at the time) looked at me after AXH had reduced me to a crying mess with insults and downputs in front of the children. My son just looked at me, with more disgust than pity, and asked, "HOW MUCH are you going to take?" and walked off.

He had nowhere to go. At least your son has a good home to go to, and one where you know he will be safe.

But what about you? Are you safe? Now that there's no 15-year-old boy for your ABF to yell at when he's drunk?
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:43 PM
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What is your definition of 'unmanageable'?

Are you ready to take your first step?
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Old 08-08-2011, 06:55 PM
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Well,I am proud of your son, he is doing the right thing for him.

My mother always put her man before her children, she never had her priorities straight. The last one I had to live with was an abusive drunk. I, too, had enough and moved to my fathers house at age 15. Was a good decision, one that I do not regret.

Your son is believing the truth, you have chosen your BF over him. It is what it is.

Hopefully, you will eventually reach your bottom, and move forward with your life.
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Old 08-08-2011, 07:30 PM
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You should be proud of your son for being able to set personal boundaries in spite of what he's seen modeled in the home. He is with his father, and that is where he needs to be. He is not obligated in any way what-so-ever to give your ABF another chance. He needs to be in a healthy environment. Growing up in an addicted/alcoholic home leaves permanent scars on a child. If you're not able at this time to be his mother, than please give your son the respect and the space to do what's right for himself.

If you're ready to get help and turn your life around, please find the nearest Al Anon meeting and run, don't walk.
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:16 PM
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But you are...

...and you have.
Originally Posted by masuhanley View Post
I can't bear for him to believe that I am choosing my ABF over him.
.

And asking this of your son is unconscionable-- "I asked him to please give ABF another chance to be sober and then reassess the situation."

I'm very proud of him for saying no. You could learn a lot from him. We all could.

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Old 08-08-2011, 08:51 PM
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Your son is right, and it sounds like you have been a great mom in the past for him to be able to make those decisions on his own. With him gone it's going to be even harder for you to kick ABF, but in your heart you know you are riding a painful merry-go-round that isn't going to stop until you leave the park.

Maybe this will be your bottom. If you can find the courage to discuss this candidly here and admit the painful truth you can find the courage to leave the A. Staying has only made everyone's situation worse. So sorry for you and your son. Be strong.
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Old 08-08-2011, 09:21 PM
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You son is very mature. He had enough, and he is doing what he needs to do. He is deciding his life and future for himself, and deciding what he wants to allow in that life of his.

Someone is raising him well. He knows what he deserves in his life, and he's doing his best to make sure he gets nothing less. I wish I was as smart as he is right now.

Perhaps you should learn from the example that he is setting for you?
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Old 08-08-2011, 10:02 PM
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Smart kid. What a horrible situation for him, glad to hear his father is a good man.
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Old 08-09-2011, 04:31 AM
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Good for your son. I'm sorry he has to feel so betrayed because I know the feeling. I was once in the same position but I didn't have another home to go to. It's good that he has other options.
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:12 AM
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I think you may want to think long and hard about this situation. Your "full codie mode" is hurting your child...and I give the ABF very good odds that he will continue to go bac and forth because he has so much power over you.

I hope your son finds a happy home with his father, love, ATTENTION and stability to help him grow up to be a strong good person. He knows right from wrong. ...You did not consider his feelings when you went through the cycle of taking ABF back and you broke your word.

who can blame him that he does not trust you?
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:16 AM
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I am so happy to hear that your son is living in a healthy home with his dad. Seems parents make choices and decisions, and it's the kids that end up paying the consequences. My objectivity is really limited when it comes to the welfare of a child. We can lead by example, and how wonderful for your son to be showing you the way. Best of luck to you.
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:38 AM
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Originally Posted by masuhanley View Post
Yes, his dad is a very good man. I always believed I was a very good mom too. I don't know what has happened to me.

It should be my rock bottom, but I can't say that it is.
Well as long as he's being looked after in a healthy home......maybe you can work on developing a friendship. But for now work on getting you straightened out!
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Old 08-09-2011, 05:44 AM
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Have you thought about getting some counseling?

Counseling helped me in a big way.
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Old 08-09-2011, 08:24 AM
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Thank you all for your wise, stern, kind, and understanding comments. I know that I'm not alone with my fears and anxieties when I come to this forum.

Maureen
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