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I did it! I reported him to the police!

Old 07-26-2011, 07:50 AM
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Jackthedog, I think you did fine. We always do the best we can with what we have to work with at the moment.

While most of the comments above are valuable, I hope you don't get discouraged by some of them. I know you're doing your best, and what you think is right. Whatever happens, you'll learn from it. Keep your chin up. You're loved.

HUGS!
Tigg
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Old 07-26-2011, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
I decided to get a bite to eat for lunch, and on my way my counselor called me and said she thought calling the police on my AH was the right thing to do and she supported me. She said people would be very angry with me, but they may never know it was me. So, I called the Narcotics/Vice dept. and left a message for the detectives. They did not return my call by 4:00 so I called again, left another message, laid on the sofa and they called at 4:30! He said I would remain anonymous, to send him the pictures I took of the marijuana plants in his backyard, via email, he asked questions about the backyard (fencing, etc.) and said they would get to it early next week. I was surprised they didn't do anything today, but I suppose this is minor compared to what they have to deal with. So I felt better, went to a consignment shop with my friend, bought my son 4 dress shirts and 2 pairs of khaki's for his first year of High School, ate dinner and came home to find a huge tree limb on my house! AH and friends came by to look at it, all were drunk or close to it and said it would be ok until tomorrow. Weird that I saw him knowing what I did to him today and how his life might change next week. Weird that tomorrow my only child will be 14 and the joy my AH and I shared on that day is a fleeting memory.

I feel a lot less stress, a little lighter and feel I made the right decision for my son and our future. Now I will let go and let God take over the rest. All day I sat, prayed, read Courage to Change, the Bible and just listened and when I finally decided to make the call I felt at peace, so I know it was the right thing to do.......

thank you all for your input!!!!

You did the right thing.
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Old 07-26-2011, 08:04 AM
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I feel a lot less stress, a little lighter and feel I made the right decision for my son and our future. Now I will let go and let God take over the rest. All day I sat, prayed, read Courage to Change, the Bible and just listened and when I finally decided to make the call I felt at peace, so I know it was the right thing to do.......

This is what is important. If you did it for your son vs. doing it to your AH, you are good.

Whether it is right or wrong is not for us to say, although additional insight on how it may play out, from those with experience, could be helpful. That's what we are here to offer: experience, hope and strength.

Wishing you and your son all the best.
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Old 07-26-2011, 09:16 AM
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
, ate dinner and came home to find a huge tree limb on my house! AH and friends came by to look at it, all were drunk or close to it and said it would be ok until tomorrow. Weird that I saw him knowing what I did to him today and how his life might change next week.
This stood out to me alot... Mixed messages? She doesn't like his backyard nursery but he can "help" with her limb situation. Detaching with "convenience"?
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Old 07-26-2011, 09:52 AM
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Originally Posted by tigger11 View Post
Jackthedog, I think you did fine. We always do the best we can with what we have to work with at the moment.

While most of the comments above are valuable, I hope you don't get discouraged by some of them. I know you're doing your best, and what you think is right. Whatever happens, you'll learn from it. Keep your chin up. You're loved.

HUGS!
Tigg
I agree with everything Tigg said.
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Old 07-26-2011, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by FLsunshine View Post
This stood out to me alot... Mixed messages? She doesn't like his backyard nursery but he can "help" with her limb situation. Detaching with "convenience"?
I think, yes; she doesn't like his backyard nursery; and, yes, he can help assess the limb situation.

I do understand the mixed message. It would be hard to conclude anything about that statement given that we don't know all the details and this is the father of her son.
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:23 PM
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Wow!

First of all husband and I have been separated and does not live with me, he rents a house.
Second, two lawyers suggested I do something or else I would have nothing to back up the addiction when I file for divorce and attempt to limit custody to protect my 14 year old son and the friends he has over to his father's house.
Third, I thought long and hard, saw my counselor who called me personally and spent all week praying, thinking it through, etc.
Fourth, lawyers said I would be charged for child endangerment, if since I know about the pot that husband would be driving under the influence, pulled over with son in vehicle.
Fifth, detective called me Monday morning, today to ask me more questions he will be going over to talk to husband at his rented house tomorrow, asking him to hand over the pot and husband will either turn himself in or detective will cuff him and take him in.
Detective said he will have a fine and be charged, and some probation. Asked me if husband had any guns, I said he never did at our home, didn't think he did there. Told him my AH is a good person who has a disease, owns his own company, does not have any dogs.
Sixth, if I did nothing I would be enabling him..........doesn't that fit in with recovery?mine? Would you have suggested I go over to husband and ask him to get rid of plants and stop smoking pot and drinking, isn't that the opposite of detachment? (And let's face it, he wouldn't stop he is an ADDICT!) in denial.....
Seventh, what does this meanTransformthyself? "I know lots of parents whose kids have killed themselves after he dropping dirty, because they had to go back to prison. Prison is like torture. You'll see."
Eighth: I am not trying to control his usage, just his impact on my son! I have had it with this man and I am sad for him, but I have given up control of his usage long ago, even before he left.
Ninth: The house I live in is still in both our names, so it is his responsibility too and with AH living in rental house at $1200 a month, there is little money left to pay someone to take care of the tree. I had to tell him about the tree, it is his house too, for now, I am an honest person and I detached the entire time they were here, and I took care to bundle the brush to be picked up by the city so he wouldn't be around. The limb was dead and about to break, causing extensive damage to our home so yes I called AH, his best friend cuts down trees for a living and is an expert.

Sorry if I sound defensive, I am practicing standing up for myself, something I don't usually do.......All your words are so helpful and I have thought this through.
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:26 PM
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But it is ok for him to put our son in danger if he loves us??????
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:28 PM
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We don't always have to agree...

...and good for you for standing up for yourself! Ultimately it's about setting the boundaries you need to set for your health and that of your children.

That's a fact, Jack!

Cyranoak

Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
Sorry if I sound defensive, I am practicing standing up for myself, something I don't usually do.......All your words are so helpful and I have thought this through.
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:29 PM
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jtd,

As I said, you thought this through and did what you believed was best. You didn't go off half-cocked, with a knee-jerk reaction.

I think we all see things through our own filters. We all have experiences that color the "advice" or feedback we give someone else. As I said, I might not have made the same decision, but that doesn't mean either one of us is "right" or "wrong"--only the person taking the action can truly assess whether it is right or wrong for him or her. It's your situation, you made what is the responsible decision for you.

Hugs,
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:33 PM
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Having 200 grams or less of MJ in our state is a misdemeanor. I checked all consequences, I don't want AH to go to jail/prison. If I didn't call, someone else could have. My dad said if he would have seen it when he went to pick up my son at AH's rental house, he would have called right away. AH is the one who has made this choice of doing something illegal and yes I expect I will have to deal with something from the fallout, but morally and as a "mama bear" I saw no other choice, if we didn't have a son I would have said "whatever" have a good life to AH.
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Old 07-26-2011, 04:55 PM
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I think you made a decision that was the right decision for you, and your son.

You thought it thru, sought counsel, and acted accordingly.

There is a saying in Al-Anon that I always try to apply when reading responses that come across, IMHO as rather intense..."take what you want, and leave the rest".
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Old 08-14-2011, 03:21 PM
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update

So the detective called me to let me know they showed up at exAH's house with the swat team and exAH was cooperative, they searched with warrant and found the pot plants, exAH had a court appearance the next day, they did not cuff him and take him in. exAH's brother in-law who is a criminal attorney in another state, came into town the following week, so I assume it was to help exAH out. So far haven't heard anything from anyone about this. exAH has not revealed to me what happened, didn't expect him to. Now I need to proceed with the divorce and find a lawyer that doesn't charge $200 an hour. Thanks so much everyone for your insights and advice, this was a stressful decision and thing to do but I don't regret it.
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Old 08-14-2011, 04:39 PM
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I'm glad it worked out peacefully, and now you have some proof to help with your divorce case. What a difficult decision to make - you're doing great!
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Old 08-14-2011, 05:51 PM
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Jackthedog, I'm with you 100%. If there wasn't a kid involved I'd say leave it alone - I don't think a bit of pot is a big deal. The alcohol is a huge deal. I'd do anything I could to get as much control as I could when it comes with leaving a kid with an alcoholic. You put your boy first. Thank God he's 14 and old enough to make a phone call or when to leave that house if his father gets out of control.
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Old 11-11-2011, 10:38 PM
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Well, saw a lawyer today about divorce and he gave me a print out of the court case for the marijuana growing incident in July and exAH got the case dismissed! I was angry he didn't get consequences. I called him and asked him what he did to get charged with drug paraphernalia and illegal use or possession and he denied it, said I don't have anything to worry about, got angry because it was supposed to be sealed, and verbally threatened me that he hopes I am not going in the direction of using this information in our custody/divorce. Last thing I said was God Help You. I tried very hard not to let him bully me and I can't believe how I used to "believe" him and get sucked into his thinking. Ughhhhhhh. I know God is in charge of judgment, but oh how I would like to send his family a copy of the case and the charges.......but of course I won't.
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Old 11-12-2011, 05:21 AM
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Many hopes and prayers your way!
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Old 11-12-2011, 01:32 PM
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JacktheDog,

I wish something had stopped my AXH long ago (13 years divorced). His drug use and smug violations of the law for over a decade have certainly been a factor in my D20’s own drug problems and mental health problems.

I wish I had known what was going on over at his house and had had him and his crack-lovin wife arrested. They have poisoned my children. And all along I thought it was "just alcohol" so I didn't act. MY fault and I am so angry at myself.

Silence protects wrongdoers. Joe Paterno has had me thinking this week. Inaction can protect evil and we need more people who say No! than who do nothing.

When there are children involved, it's irresponsible and enabling to be passive and wait for some ephemeral karma to resolve things. I don’t care about my ex’s internal demons- that’s his problem. Spill your poison and dysfunction on my children, and it’s my problem and responsibility.

I never would have allowed my kids to go to any other house and sleep over (for years) where I knew that daily rampant drinking was occurring, but he was their dad. Now I know it was much more than that, and has been for years.

Brava, Jack! Hope you still have copies of the pictures for family court. Can you get a transcript and the file of the criminal case? At least the police reports? Don't let up. It's your kiddo.

Yeah, I'm angry. With myself. And tearful.
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