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He wants to see me

Old 06-16-2011, 10:02 AM
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He wants to see me

ExABF has been gone for over a month now. It's been peaceful. A little while ago, maybe within the last 2 weeks, he'd asked for NC. I have not contacted him.

He has messaged me a few times, and I have responded with very non-committal one-liners, sometimes smiley faces or the like. He did try to call me last weekend, and I never answered or call back. He tried to text me last weekend, and I never responded.

This brings me to last night. He'd heard I was feeling terrible through some other people, I guess. When the phone rang, I picked it up and I talked to him for a bit.

He says he has quit drinking again, though not in a program, again. He will be moving across the country to stay with his brother and family for awhile. Before he leaves, he said, he'd like to see me. We made no definite plans, and I told him I needed to think about that.

There are still some of his things at my house. I figured I'd eventually box it up and move it to the garage and have it ready when his family would like to pick it up. No solid plans there, either.

I don't have any expectations for a long goodbye or anything, but I have an urge to see him.

Is this normal?
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Old 06-16-2011, 10:31 AM
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It's completely normal to feel the way you do, but what good will come of you seeing him?

He hears you are not feeling well, and he uses that opportunity to appeal to you when you are most vulnerable. In my opinion, seeing him will only set you back in your recovery. Back to day 1...but if you can get through the pain on your own, it will go away, and stay away.

Our As are our addiction, and we don't need them to feel good, just like they don't alcohol to feel good.

It's only been a month, go easy on yourself. Of course you feel this way, but it does get better, it really does.

That said, when you are ready to be done, you will be done. Do what feels right to you right now. That's all any of us can do
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Old 06-16-2011, 11:02 AM
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Here's my rule of thumb:

If I can see him/talk to him/text with him and the interaction won't obsess me for the next few hours/days, then I'm healthy enough to have some contact. If I am not positive in my knowledge of my reaction, I have NC.

Right now, I'm protecting myself from myself. Just like a newly recovering A probably shouldn't go to a bar "just to hang" out, I probably shouldn't expose myself to the XA.

For me, I have to make sure that I don't have some background fantasy playing in my head and be dead solid sure of my motivations and not be just needing a "hit".

Again, this is why I am NC.
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Old 06-16-2011, 12:32 PM
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When I broke my no contact rule either on the phone, in person, or email it set me back emotionally for days......until I finally accepted it and knew it was not good for me and why would I put myself through that anymore ? (my XAH has never stopped using)
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Old 06-16-2011, 12:41 PM
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roxiestone wrote:
Right now, I'm protecting myself from myself.
If this were your best friend in the entire world =-
what would YOU advise them to do?

Because this *is* your best friend in the whole world -
you.
ANd *that* is the relationship
that you're attempting to focus on these days, right?

It really helped me in early recovery
to ask myself that question ...
knowing it was about myself.

I was amazed after a while
how much power just asking that question
and placing myself in my own best friend
position
helped me to move forward.

Maybe that'll help you?
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Old 06-16-2011, 01:28 PM
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Originally Posted by barb dwyer View Post
roxiestone wrote:


If this were your best friend in the entire world =-
what would YOU advise them to do?

Because this *is* your best friend in the whole world -
you.
ANd *that* is the relationship
that you're attempting to focus on these days, right?

It really helped me in early recovery
to ask myself that question ...
knowing it was about myself.

I was amazed after a while
how much power just asking that question
and placing myself in my own best friend
position
helped me to move forward.

Maybe that'll help you?
I would tell my best friend: "Really think about this"

and I'm still thinking.

I'm a slow responder on lots of things right now. Time has been on my side so far.

I really don't know my answer.
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Old 06-16-2011, 01:37 PM
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You'll know when you know. Maybe more is about to be revealed so you'll know.
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Old 06-16-2011, 01:43 PM
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I pretty much follow Barbs advice with a slight twist. I ask myself "how does this help my recovery". If it doesn't I pass.

Good luck with whatever choice you make.
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Old 06-16-2011, 03:41 PM
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Of course it's normal to want to see him. If you are going to see him, however, I suggest doing it in a public place. If he must come to your home to pick stuff up, have someone else there. Get it over quickly, then shut the door on that part of your life. It's hard, I know, because no one can predict the future, or even tomorrow. But your odds of having the life you really want -- one with healthy positive people who support rather tear you down -- increase dramatically.
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Old 06-16-2011, 04:13 PM
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I never got to a point where I could have contact with my EXAH and not be in a tailspin for days.

I take that back. He did call me out of the blue about 9 years ago to ask if I had ever been tested for HIV because he was in the clinical stages of AIDS at that time.

It was like hearing a ghost's voice. It was a strange experience, for lack of a better word.

He was polite and respectful, shared that he had remarried (which I already knew) and had quit doing the 'hard' drugs.

That was a whole different ball of wax compared to the manipulative, angry, psychotic EXAH I knew, and who kept calling me early in my recovery till I started hanging up on him.
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr View Post
Of course it's normal to want to see him. If you are going to see him, however, I suggest doing it in a public place. If he must come to your home to pick stuff up, have someone else there. Get it over quickly, then shut the door on that part of your life. It's hard, I know, because no one can predict the future, or even tomorrow. But your odds of having the life you really want -- one with healthy positive people who support rather tear you down -- increase dramatically.
I like this suggestion. I was a little weirded-out to think that he'd want to see me in my house (which used to be our house). That just didn't sit right with me.

I'm still thinking about it.

THANK YOU!!
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Old 06-16-2011, 08:51 PM
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Welcome, skippernlilg.

this is good that you are trying to discern what is best to do.

i think out of 100 of "us" polled, 85 would tell you to stay away, maybe not in so many words.

the feeling to reach out, to have closure, to say good-bye, can be overwhelming.

i am a bit of a romantic - a real sap actually.

i slowly got myself out of the relationship with mine. i knew he was somewhat fragile, and i wanted to feel good about easing him out of my life, and him out of mine. truth be told, i was pretty hooked on him and the drama and the false hopes of things turning around for happily-ever-after.

but for me, it worked best that way. it took a few months.

after he had moved out, after we were having virtually no relationship, there was a family wedding (his) in my (literally) backyard. i agreed to meet him, be his date for the evening. something that i had dreamed about - dancing to a love song with this man that i loved so deeply - became a reality that night, and we ended the dance with a gentle and loving kiss. we left and went our separate ways and i have seen him once since then - to get his things out of my house the day i sold it and moved out.

it was really the perfect ending to a very non-perfect love story.

we can believe what we need to, and want to.
for me, i really never made him the evil one. we loved one another, but he wasn't healthy enough for me, and i simply couldn't do it anymore. i think he understood that. we parted as two mismatched lovers who cared very much for one another.

whatever you decide will be the right decision.

peace...
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Old 06-17-2011, 02:17 AM
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If decisions need to be made I ask myself "what gives me peace?" usually the answer is pretty clear then... however, first I had to make peace my priority....
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