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Clear signs, yet still struggling

Old 06-04-2011, 03:13 PM
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Clear signs, yet still struggling

My "R"AH gives me such clear signs that he is not in recovery, wants to continue to put himself above the family, really has no remorse about how he is continuing to destroy our relationship and blame shifts instead of being responsible for his actions. (I could give you all the latest verbal exchange we had this morning, but I will not bore you with the details. Started out reasonable, then the pity party victim came out quacking has hard as he could quack. Not one ounce of sympathy for me, just more self-centered BS) SO why is it so dang hard for me to accept that nothing is going to change and that I need take the steps to get my sanity back to have a healthy life? Someone stated on another thread about sticking their head back in the sand. Being aware and having the understanding that I have now about the realities of living with an A, all the risk, giving up on the dream, having acceptance is just really hard. Sticking my head back into the sand sounds very appealing, but I know there is no going back. I was miserable there too and facing it is my only way find the peace I deserve. The changes that need to happen are huge. I need to go back to work full time to a career I gave up 11 years ago. It scares me, so much has changed, and I question if I will be able to really handle it. My kids worlds will be turned upside down, they will have to live a life much different than they have now. I worry about how a divorce will affect them, how could I not.

This is not what I want, but yet I don't think there is anything I can do to change the outcome....and that sucks.

Did anyone else struggle with the reality even when it seems so clear?
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Old 06-04-2011, 03:18 PM
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Yes. Change is hard. Change is very scary. It's absolutely normal to be scared of the unknown. If we could just magically pop out of one scenario into another one of peace and serenity, who wouldn't do that? Unfortunately, if we want change, we have to do the work. Just like your husband has to do the work if he wants recovery, so do you. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Lumping everything you need to do together in a huge pile can be especially daunting. Maybe if you made a chronological list of each step you need to take, and then cross it off after you do that, it will look more manageable. Everything is a process, and if you take things a step at a time, it will all work out.
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Old 06-04-2011, 03:40 PM
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I agree, making the final decision is difficult at best.

Suki has the right idea, break it down. Perhaps the starting point is to start looking for a job, even it is only part time, it is a start. Little steps that take you in the right direction.

Your children hear and see everything, although they may not comment, children internalize. Living in a home with an alcoholic is not a healthy situation for your children. I know, that was my life, I still bear the scars.

I can't tell you what to do, however, please make your children your priority.
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Old 06-04-2011, 04:03 PM
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Well...

It might sound easier to stick your head back in the sand (as if you could) but it isn't. Not really.

Hard is living a life that you know is wrong...that you know is harmful to you and your kids...

Hard is living with resentment and anger...

Change can be scary...
But once you get started...once you take that FIRST step, you'll find that the second step is easier...and the third easier still...and its easy compared to living a lie becaue you'll be living in the truth.

Baby steps...
That's all you gotta focus on...

You CAN do it.
You absolutely positively CAN.
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Old 06-04-2011, 10:29 PM
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Divorce is hard on the kids. But being raised by an alcoholic is even harder in my opinion. I grew up with both, and look how I turned out! (haha)

But seriously, I've heard it said in my home group that we change when the pain of staying outweighs the pain of moving on. Even change for the better is hard. Ask anyone who has walked away from an A, there's quite a few of us on here. You'll know when it's time to take action, and like the others said, it's not like it needs to happen overnight. Start small, with the things you can do now, and eventually you will be strong enough to do what you need to do, whatever that ends up being. One day at a time.
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:20 AM
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I walked - and after my husband started AA! It dawned on me that nothing was changing because nothing was changing and I held the power to change things. For me.

That was my eye opener. It wasn't a huge epiphany, but a subtle change in my perspective.

You seem to be experiencing that shift, based on the tone of your posts these days...keep allowing yourself to experience it. If you are calm and centered, you'll notice when it is time to do the next right thing, whatever that may be.
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Old 06-05-2011, 09:30 AM
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Thanks to each of you who responded. I too was raised both with a divorce and in an alcoholic family. My step dad is an A and while he was high functioning while I was growing up there was still a lot of very difficult times. Just recently he called alcoholism "the beast" which was really the first time I have ever heard him admit he has a problem. I am a codie from way back and drug it right into my marriage. *sigh*

I have been with my AH since we were in high school and we have been married for 21 years. Believing that all of it could be over is just a hard one to swallow. I guess I keep holding out hope that things will get better (because sometimes it has, but it just doesn't last). Right now I just feel very rejected. I know it is his illness talking, but it is still rejection none the less.

As far as the kids go, at this point, there has been little effect on them. A few arguments they have overheard but nothing crazy. My AH is good with the kids, it is just mostly our relationship that is suffering. For the most part when AH drinks he becomes reclusive and distant, not abusive or stumbling passed out drunk. I understand that as his illness progresses this too could change.

Where I am at is I feel that it is in my best interest to get back to full time work. Financially should this marriage dissolve it is really my only way to protect my future and my kids futures. BUT that decision really changes things at home. I know I can do it, but it really makes me nervous. It signifies for me that things are not going to get better and it is a big step moving towards a breakup.

I just need to suck it up and some of the time I feel strong and know it will be okay, but other times it al just overwhelms me.
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Old 06-05-2011, 10:09 AM
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I'm sorry but I missed the part about the "clear signs". Can you go over those signs again?
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Old 06-05-2011, 11:18 AM
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Recovery, oh that special word to all of us....

There is a huge difference in meanings
This is only my definition of recovery, recovered, R.R...
Take what you want and leave the rest...
Hope you get one moment of peace from it.....

Recovery, one that wants to quit drinking & is really working their butts
off inside & out to heal their drinking problem,and old behaviors, old ways
of living and taking baby steps each day.
Looking forward to the day they can shout,
"Im a recovered, I am a new person, I am glad to
be living, I am sorry for the things I have done to my family, I understand
I caused that....Accepting their mistakes, and wanting to move forward in life"

Recovered, one that has accomplished recovery, one that has
dug deep, had a burning desire to change, sick of the old lifestyle
and old behaviors, one that is truely happy on the inside & out,
they are recovered and passed the test of recovery. One that is nice
to be around, One that loves themselves & One that loves life as it is today!

R.R - Resisting Recovery, One that quit drinking, One that has no desire to
change on the inside, One that may have quit drinking & resist any change
within themselves. One that has no respect for themselves, let alone others
One that is pissed because they feel like they "HAVE' to quit drinking.
One that is truely not ready to quit drinking within their hearts.
In AA, I believe they call this "white knuckling". They quit drinking and thats
about it. Their minds & hearts have not changed. They just dont pick up
a drink anymore. Their minds are still sick. They have not dealt with their
issues inside of themselves. They have not truely admitted they are alcoholics.
They spout off at the mouth, they are. Instead, they should say, I just
quit drinking. Step 1, is huge for all of us. It is digging deep within your heart, soul,
life, goals, dreams, denial and the desire to live life at its fullest.

After 6 months, $10,000 in rehab, my husband moving across the US,
Divorce
and all of the other bad bullcrap that goes with it
He is still a R.R
Sad
but that is his choice, not mine

I have chosen to live freely & be happy, to live without chaos
and not to put my kids thru anymore

You will know & Only YOU will know when you are done...
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Old 06-05-2011, 11:52 AM
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Clear signs that he is not changing. He continues to spew self centered bs, he is more concerned with not being micro managed than being 100% transparent (I recently took over our finances so now he knows it is much more difficult for him to hide his drinking/smoking and the money he spends on it), because he is not ready to be transparent in his actions it tells me he is not ready to try to build any kind of trust back into our relationship. He continues to blame shift instead of taking responsibility for his actions, he continues to play a victim role without the willingness to take action to make things better. There are no amends, no thoughts of how everyone else around him is being affected by his behavior. He is much more interested in yelling and cussing than to sit down and be a rational adult to talk about our problems and how we can come together to resolve them.

These are his clear signs to me that I need to start planning for the future to gain my financial security back, and make the changes I need to find peace and serenity.

BobbyJ thank you for sharing that. I would say my AH is between RR and recovery but leaning more towards the RR. He has admitted for about 8 years he is an A. He has been going to AA off and on for years. I would say twice he really dove in and was on his way to recovery. He had sobriety for months each time and his attitude and behavior reflected that of someone who was working his steps and wanting a better life. He started drinking again because he thought he could handle it. This time I think his illness has progressed to the point where perhaps he is finding it all much more difficult. I honestly do not think he wants to stop but is feeling the consequences of not doing so, meaning I'm done and I have really pulled away from him.
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Old 06-05-2011, 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Alone22 View Post
I am a codie from way back and drug it right into my marriage. *sigh*
In this, you are truly not "alone."

I love that song from the very old Christmas movie "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." It's given me a boost many a time when I needed to move forward:

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking out the door

You never will get where you池e going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there痴 a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don稚 be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it's just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn
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Old 06-05-2011, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by MeredithD1 View Post
In this, you are truly not "alone."

I love that song from the very old Christmas movie "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town." It's given me a boost many a time when I needed to move forward:

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking out the door

You never will get where you池e going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there痴 a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don稚 be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you値l be walking out the door

If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn
You mean that it's just my election
To vote for a chance to be reborn

Oh my gosh!! When this song was played last Christmas on the little special, I had to leave the room because I found myself sobbing hysterically! I found some strength and joy in it, but so much emotion all at once when this song came on. My family, back home, thought I had truly lost my mind that evening.
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Old 07-05-2011, 11:23 AM
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So here it is a month later and you know what I am feeling pretty much the same way. Going back and reading this is a great reminder. In some ways I think things are a little better and my problem is I want things to get better faster? I know recovery takes time and clarity for the A takes time. We have had open discussions on what is going on in his AA meetings and he has asked me what we do in Al-anon. We had a discussion on if he is really ready to start to build back trust and the answer I got was a very mixed message. What I am still hearing is a lack of understanding on what his addiction has cost this relationship. I heard things which are still very self centered. He thinks he should be rewarded with sex for being sober 55 days. I guess in his mind now that he is not drinking the problem is solved and we should just all get back to our happy dance. Never mind that we have marriage issues and that I have been very hurt over the years. He sees the lack of sex as a punishment not that it has anything to do with how I am feeling. I will not simply sweep my feelings under the rug again. There has been 0 attempt on his part to address our marriage( which I am fine with so long as it is because his attention is on recovery) , yet I am to be all excited (pun intended) that he is once again not drinking? yea right.. Not sure I am dealing with alcoholic thinking here or if it is just that he is wired to be a self centered jerk. Whatever it is I don't like it and it is not the way I want to be treated. He is however willing to try MC again. For those of you who are double winners what do you think about MC at this point? The worst part of the discussion was that I have a sinking feeling he did not quit for him, he quit because he didn't like the consequences of his drinking (ie no sex and getting left behind on Mother's Day).
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Old 07-05-2011, 12:08 PM
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Did anyone else struggle with the reality even when it seems so clear?
yes, but this for me is very deep programming. I was conditioned to live with shame, conflict, pain, self defeat. To blame and question myself. To blame and question others.

I was taught to not actually take care of myself, all the while complaining about it.

So of course this is what I did as an adult.

I am sick of it, quite frankly, and would rather live in a hole in the dirt than continue to deal with this idiocy. I'm ready to take back my life, AGAIN.
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