Thanks to each of you who responded. I too was raised both with a divorce and in an alcoholic family. My step dad is an A and while he was high functioning while I was growing up there was still a lot of very difficult times. Just recently he called alcoholism "the beast" which was really the first time I have ever heard him admit he has a problem. I am a codie from way back and drug it right into my marriage. *sigh*
I have been with my AH since we were in high school and we have been married for 21 years. Believing that all of it could be over is just a hard one to swallow. I guess I keep holding out hope that things will get better (because sometimes it has, but it just doesn't last). Right now I just feel very rejected. I know it is his illness talking, but it is still rejection none the less.
As far as the kids go, at this point, there has been little effect on them. A few arguments they have overheard but nothing crazy. My AH is good with the kids, it is just mostly our relationship that is suffering. For the most part when AH drinks he becomes reclusive and distant, not abusive or stumbling passed out drunk. I understand that as his illness progresses this too could change.
Where I am at is I feel that it is in my best interest to get back to full time work. Financially should this marriage dissolve it is really my only way to protect my future and my kids futures. BUT that decision really changes things at home. I know I can do it, but it really makes me nervous. It signifies for me that things are not going to get better and it is a big step moving towards a breakup.
I just need to suck it up and some of the time I feel strong and know it will be okay, but other times it al just overwhelms me.