Clear signs, yet still struggling
My "R"AH gives me such clear signs that he is not in recovery, wants to continue to put himself above the family, really has no remorse about how he is continuing to destroy our relationship and blame shifts instead of being responsible for his actions. (I could give you all the latest verbal exchange we had this morning, but I will not bore you with the details. Started out reasonable, then the pity party victim came out quacking has hard as he could quack. Not one ounce of sympathy for me, just more self-centered BS) SO why is it so dang hard for me to accept that nothing is going to change and that I need take the steps to get my sanity back to have a healthy life? Someone stated on another thread about sticking their head back in the sand. Being aware and having the understanding that I have now about the realities of living with an A, all the risk, giving up on the dream, having acceptance is just really hard. Sticking my head back into the sand sounds very appealing, but I know there is no going back. I was miserable there too and facing it is my only way find the peace I deserve. The changes that need to happen are huge. I need to go back to work full time to a career I gave up 11 years ago. It scares me, so much has changed, and I question if I will be able to really handle it. My kids worlds will be turned upside down, they will have to live a life much different than they have now. I worry about how a divorce will affect them, how could I not.
This is not what I want, but yet I don't think there is anything I can do to change the outcome....and that sucks.
Did anyone else struggle with the reality even when it seems so clear?