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Trying to stay strong

Old 05-29-2011, 12:16 PM
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Trying to stay strong

My AH has been sober 90 days, since he did his best to blow up our marriage by being constantly drunk even at work and having an affair. Sounds cold, but I know it had nothing to do with me and I am willing to work on our relationship as long as he stays sober.

I am trying to maintain a detached attitude for my sanity and to protect our teenagers.

Today he went to a friend's house. He used to drink with them and hasn't been in the last few weeks though he has hung out with them at various times. He made a point of telling me he could go and not drink. I told him he will drink or not drink. I reminded him that, despite the many things that were said in the heat of the moment in the last few weeks, I meant what I said when I told him I would not stay with him if he starts drinking again. It has nothing to do with me and I do not worry, because that is crazy-making and I've had enough crazy.

He was very quiet when he left and though I've texted him he has not responded. I am curious to see what happens next. If he will do what's right for himself or try to test me. Only time will tell, right?

It's ridiculous to live with this illness...at times I feel like the road ahead is just going to be filled with chasms of doubt. How will I continue to live like this? I don't know what to think sometimes..
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:28 PM
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Hi and Welcome. I am fairly new around here too but the people here are fantastic and understand. Others will be along shortly I'm sure to welcome you as well and point out stuff on this site.

It is so hard when we understand it is their choice, nothing we can do to change the fact that they will or will not drink...and then to see them go into situations like your AH is today. While we can say to ourselves detach, it really is hard to do just that. When our marriages are hanging in the balance sitting back and watching the outcome seems nearly impossible. From your writing it sounds like you have been to alanon, if not I would really recommend you try it out. Meanwhile stay strong and take a day at time.
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:29 PM
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I told him he will drink or not drink.

This is true. He either will or he won't. You are also right that it has nothing to do with you. If you made the decision not to stay with him if he drinks again, I hope you are ready to back that up with action. If you don't, it will be an empty threat and he'll call you on it every time.

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here.
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:33 PM
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Trying to stay strong

True. That is what I am wondering about. I am not talking about "I slipped and had a couple of beers" but who knows? I feel sick to my stomach but we'll see.
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:37 PM
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I'm sorry you are feeling sick, but only you can decide what you will and will not live with. It can start with a "slip" or "just a few beers," but it's all the same thing. He knows what you have said, and if you'll forgive just a few beers, it will continue. He'll have his foot in the door and from there, it's only a matter of time until he has a "slip" and gets drunk.
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Old 05-29-2011, 12:52 PM
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Welcome sorry that you are having to deal with this situation.

All I can add to the other posts is "Say what you mean and mean what you say". It is not a matter of 1 drink today, as it will turn into 10 next week and so on, this is a progressive disease, there is no cure. It is only a matter of whether he is drinking or not and what you are willing to accept.

Take care of you!
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Old 05-29-2011, 01:27 PM
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You are right. And that is the saddest part. I DO mean what I say. And if he had half a healthy brain he would know that. I love him, but not enough to sacrifice any more. When I look back at all I've given up to be with him all these years, move all over the country for work, etc, I see that he had me off balance the whole time.

I am trying to get my life back. I am starting school in the Fall. It's a small step, but it's something.

We shall see. I don't want to be hurt any more.
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Old 05-29-2011, 03:45 PM
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He came home still sober. So I go on with my evening, trying to keep learning and guardedly optimistic. Glad I am here now. It's good to talk to people who know what I am learning day by day. I do know I can only control my actions and my words and that has to be enough.
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Old 05-30-2011, 05:45 PM
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I hope you continue working on your own path, Sugah. One of the things that helped me a lot in those first 90 days was reading the Big Book of AA and "Courage to Change" by Al-Anon. Going to Al-Anon meetings has been a lifesaver, too.

My ABF didn't make it. It was right at that 90 day mark that he did step over to the 'other' side again. He wasn't working a program. When he came back to tell me he started drinking again, I was able to point to the door. It was hard, but I had to follow through with my promise, just like I would expect from anyone else. He's been gone since 5/9.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 05-30-2011, 05:55 PM
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Hi Sugahcube,

I understand what you are saying, and that you get to have relief today that your AH came home sober. I stay with my AH in "day-tight" compartments. What I have learned and read in Al-Anon is that we can learn to be happy, whether or not the A is drinking or in recovery.

There are definitely conditions in which my Plan B will go into effect. My Plan B is to relocate to a new residence, where I will be close to people who love me and who are supportive of me. I keep contact with these people all of the time anyway, and I don't hide anything that's going on here.

I am at peace with my decisions and taking care of myself. I do, occasionally, get angry, and when I do, I remember HALT:

am I
Hungry?

am I
ANGRY?

am I
LONELY?

am I
TIRED?

I don't make any major decisions if I am any one of these four things, and I also do not attempt to engage my AH in any conversations if I am any one of these four things.

Serenity for us all!
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Old 05-30-2011, 06:19 PM
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SugahCube, welcome to the forum

One of the most important things you can pick up here is the 3 c's.

You didn't cause it.

You can't control it.

You can't cure it.

I haven't been here long but I have learned a lot from some very wise people. There is strength to be found here also. Please visit often.



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Old 05-30-2011, 06:20 PM
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Oh yeah, if you are waiting for him to change you may be waiting forever.
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Old 05-30-2011, 09:41 PM
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Hi welcome! My exA made it a whole year without drinking (as far as I know) but he remained friends wiht all the old drinking buddies. He works with them too! So, it was pretty clear to me he was just staying sober for the sake of "my rules" and after all was said and done he cheated, I kicked him out and he started drinking alot!
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Old 05-31-2011, 08:03 AM
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Welcome! it sound like you are on the right path. I know how you feel somedays are better then others. Hang in there
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Old 05-31-2011, 12:47 PM
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Hi Sugah!

An EX that is alcoholic, when we broke up, told me he was planning to drink the rest of his life.

And that is exactly what he is doing.

I also moved to another city to work with him. Then short after we broke up he started going out with someone else, someone without a family here either and someone who drinks the same or more. (When I met him I also drank socially, although being with him I drank more and more often than I would normally do)

Alcoholics don't have relationships. They take hostages. At least I have seen one and have seen the partners and neither this woman nor I, in that stage, had steady support or some kind of home/refuge or emotional foundation. That is why we were attractive to the man IMHO.

Gladly I changed.. well, in the process, but not I see his reality more clearly. And I see mine.



Investing your time with dear friends and family, therapy, Alanon is the best thing you can do. Once my therapist and my mom told me the same things about my partner elections and I was humble enough to realize they are right, it gave me strength to move forward. For me "moving forward" was being single again. For you it may mean keeping your peace regardless of whatever, or being honest and deciding if walking on eggshells is how you want to live your life.

I do not think I could ever relax again with an alcoholic, he would have to have years of years of steady recovery for me to be even a friend. Well, in fact I was too hurt by the alcoholic in my life and by my bad decisions, so honestly besides the wonderful recovered people in SR, I do not want to have anything to do with alcoholics in real life... it is just, too painful and there's no way to know if today will be the day Hell comes back again. Just my personal choices at this point.

Everything is a choice...
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