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Jumbled thoughts, questions, are they always so angry?

Old 05-14-2011, 09:07 PM
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Jumbled thoughts, questions, are they always so angry?

My question is are all or most alcoholics so quick to lose their tempers? Irritable? Moody? Am I the only one walking on eggshells? The thing is he is only like that with ME, not his kids, not his co-workers or his guy friends or family or even his ex-wife. Just me. And of course he reminds me of that fact. I can't avoid pissing him off no matter how hard I try. Why? Why does he do this?

I've been with my ABF 7.5 years. If you can call what we do being "together" because it is very lonely as you all know. I have been in denial for most of that time and living on hope. I guess I'm especially pathetic/lovesick/desperate because I just keep hoping and hoping and hoping and clinging and at some point I really did just start believing it was all me. And I'd try harder and harder.
But I've also been ever so slowly dying inside and also becoming a not-so-nice person myself. Indeed I have found myself behaving abusively to him and carrying on just like the "psycho nutjob" he says I am. I have so much invested that the thought of it not working out is terrifying. And humiliating. And it makes me very bitter and angry too. It also breaks my heart. He's special and I love him. He could be such an amazing person but he's gotten a lot less amazing over time as things have progressed. Wow, I'm rambling.......
So ok, here's this unique amazing man who I deeply love but he's an alcoholic and he has stopped drinking for as long as a year and then gone back to it. And each time it gets worse and this last time has been far beyond anything that came before. Wayyyy beyond. He's not a drink and drive, go to the bar kind of drunk. He holds down a professional job and is a decent dad to two teenagers. But the kids live with their mom and aren't around as much now that they are older. He gets up, goes to work, comes home, smokes his pot, has some drinks, and plays his xbox until he passes out/ falls asleep. On the weekends he does the same thing only the weed, drinks, and xbox last all day and night. That's it. That's his life. That and yelling at me for whatever infraction I'm guilty of at that moment.
Sooner or later he is so rude or so mean or so whatever that I lose it. In fact my unhealthy behavior when I lose it and the way I just go on and on and won't shut up is why he says he is dumping me now. Because I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP which is pretty damn ironic isn't it? (Note, I do not drink or smoke.) He's now been in the process of dumping me for about 7 of the 7.5 years we've been together. I am trying to NOT let myself lose my temper and start going on and on when he does something. It's true I get so upset that I just won't shut up and I get mean too. Of course if he just didn't say and do mean or disrespectful things I would not have to try and not lose my temper, but he does not see it that way. I'm almost never the instigator. I think he pushes my buttons on purpose and that fighting is an addiction for him. But to be honest it's become almost impossible for me to sort things out anymore. I really don't know.
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Old 05-14-2011, 09:18 PM
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You need Alanon.. please go to a meeting as soon as you can! Read everything you can on being codependent and alcoholism. You deserve better and you are not crazy. Who would not be irritated with a partner that spent all his free time drinking, smoking and playing xbox (hell it sounds like my AH, but he isn't smoking pot at this point). They are angry with themselves and they lash out on the closest person to them (us). As the illness progresses the their thoughts and actions become more and more crazy. We get sucked in because we love them. They give us just enough hope to keep hanging on. Then one day we just can't take it anymore and want to find some peace. That is where alanon comes in.
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Old 05-14-2011, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Alone22 View Post
You need Alanon.. please go to a meeting as soon as you can! Read everything you can on being codependent and alcoholism. You deserve better and you are not crazy. Who would not be irritated with a partner that spent all his free time drinking, smoking and playing xbox (hell it sounds like my AH, but he isn't smoking pot at this point). They are angry with themselves and they lash out on the closest person to them (us). As the illness progresses the their thoughts and actions become more and more crazy. We get sucked in because we love them. They give us just enough hope to keep hanging on. Then one day we just can't take it anymore and want to find some peace. That is where alanon comes in.
This above.

And, no offense intended, he is not special or unique. He is an alcoholic. Stick around here long enough and you'll hear your story, your reality, repeated over and over again by complete strangers.

Stay strong~T
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Old 05-14-2011, 09:56 PM
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Well yeah, he is special, at least to me. And that's how I got sucked in and why I stayed at first. He was good enough even with all the crap that he was worth it. But that was then. Now he's.........not really even there anymore. I almost never actually see HIM. I only see the alcoholic monster in charge. I can only assume that those other aspects of him are in there somewhere but they aren't visible anymore day to day. His positive attributes make things worse in that they help him continue some level of minimal functioning when others would have hit bottom.

I am planning to go to Alanon. In fact I'm looking forward to it.
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Old 05-14-2011, 09:58 PM
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Why doesn't he lash out at any of the other people in his life?
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Old 05-14-2011, 10:04 PM
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You are an easy target because you are living with him. A's like to argue because it makes them feel better about drinking. My guess why he doesn't treat others horribly is because he knows he can't or there will be a huge cost in doing so. However I think as the illness progresses that will go too and he will be crappy to everyone. Trust me it is not you, it is him and his issues.
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Old 05-14-2011, 10:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Jaguar55 View Post
Why doesn't he lash out at any of the other people in his life?
Because he's not as out of control as he pretends to be.
He's learned that lashing out at you gets him the reaction that he wants, so he continues to do it, because it keeps you "in line" and by his side to enable him, no matter how badly he treats you.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be.
I myself was in that exact position as well, up until around this past Christmas holiday.
I'd suggest reading this thread, from what you've described, I think you'll find some useful information there, and certainly you'll identify with it a lot, because I am identifying with your story, and this thread describes my life with him:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html

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Old 05-14-2011, 10:31 PM
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I don't even live with him anymore. He booted me out of "our" house and I now live with my mother. I am a grown woman in my 40's. Geesh It's embarrassing. I also no longer have a job because of how I have dealt with this relationship. And I left school and moved back to this city so we could buy a house together and get married. I don't like this area and there are few jobs here in my field and I have no friends here. I am quite literally STUCK and now trying to visualize how I will dig myself out of this predicament.

I try to get him to be a "real bf" to me. In short I try to force him to be all the things he used to be or promised to be or I want/need him to be. And he can't and/or won't give me those things. I think my wanting something from him makes him angry. And the pressure and guilt he feels makes him angry. He resents me for trying to force him to be giving and loving. He says I make him hate me. No one else in his life, except maybe his employer, is asking him for anything he doesn't want to or can't give. If I just back off and take whatever "scraps" he throws my way he gets nicer as long as I don't push and as long as I don't flip out when he inevitably does something mean, callous, etc...

A healthy person would have walked away. At various times in the past I DID walk away. The last time I totally moved on, had a job I loved, and even started dating someone else for the first time in years. Guess what happened? He came running after me crying and begging and bargaining and trying to get me to marry him. We ended up back together.
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:23 PM
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jaguar--your post was something i needed to read tonite to keep hammering in that my relationship wasn't special--i was in a well-played-out cycle of being in an Alcoholic's life.

I wondered the same thing, because i got down to behaving in ways i wasn't proud of, especially for someone that is always considerate of everyone else. I heard the "no one else does this/makes me feel this way/etc etc" line so many times. I, like you, believed them. but, only to a degree. i'm sure you have some voice in the back of your head FIGHTING not to believe those words. I think toward the end of my relationship, the constant anxiety i was feeling wasn't just fear of the A in my life... but it was my brain kicking and screaming and refusing to have my identity consciously erased--which is what happens when we let even those little words cause us to doubt ourselves for a LITTLE BIT! It is that tiny voice that is the strength you have left after "fighting" to be you for the past 7 years.

Do you know why no one else makes him feel so bad about himself? Because we are the walking/talking/breathing reminder that they are an addict. We're a neon sign reminding them of what kind of life they want, but seems so hard for them to attain. They yell at us and break us down because the reflective mirror we represent is too much and makes it too hard for them to stay in their delusion--the delusion that staying on their addict lifestyle is ok/excusable.

Life as an addict is ALL about survival. They are in survival mode... and when that occurs... you push everything/anything out of your life that does not hold up the delusion you have to keep in order to "survive".

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. The doubting ourselves and what ifs he were right will revisit your brain for a while... just try to keep reminding yourself the words weren't true. it is WELL WITHIN your right to have wants/needs in a relationship. Healthy adult relationships (with friends/lovers/family) are allowed to define these and to not have to fear being told that they were too demanding and that we drove them crazy.
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:28 PM
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Good for you for going to a meeting. For many of us, it's a lifesaver. CRUCIAL.

Alcoholism is progressive. That is why he's not the person you used to know, and it's only going to get worse.

I was with my exabf for 3.5 yrs and several drunken temper tantrums and a lot of verbal abuse. I love myself to keep being treated like that. He chose alcohol over me, and I deserve better.

Originally Posted by Jaguar55 View Post
Well yeah, he is special, at least to me. And that's how I got sucked in and why I stayed at first. He was good enough even with all the crap that he was worth it. But that was then. Now he's.........not really even there anymore. I almost never actually see HIM. I only see the alcoholic monster in charge. I can only assume that those other aspects of him are in there somewhere but they aren't visible anymore day to day. His positive attributes make things worse in that they help him continue some level of minimal functioning when others would have hit bottom.

I am planning to go to Alanon. In fact I'm looking forward to it.
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:29 PM
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Yeah, you know what? I ended up talking to a former friend of my exabf's, who knew him before me, and he told me quite a few stories of my ex having drunken temper tantrums, EVEN BEFORE I MET HIM.

These As-they want to blame EVERYONE else except themselves. Don't buy into it.

Originally Posted by forgotten1 View Post
jaguar--your post was something i needed to read tonite to keep hammering in that my relationship wasn't special--i was in a well-played-out cycle of being in an Alcoholic's life.

I wondered the same thing, because i got down to behaving in ways i wasn't proud of, especially for someone that is always considerate of everyone else. I heard the "no one else does this/makes me feel this way/etc etc" line so many times. I, like you, believed them. but, only to a degree. i'm sure you have some voice in the back of your head FIGHTING not to believe those words. I think toward the end of my relationship, the constant anxiety i was feeling wasn't just fear of the A in my life... but it was my brain kicking and screaming and refusing to have my identity consciously erased--which is what happens when we let even those little words cause us to doubt ourselves for a LITTLE BIT! It is that tiny voice that is the strength you have left after "fighting" to be you for the past 7 years.

Do you know why no one else makes him feel so bad about himself? Because we are the walking/talking/breathing reminder that they are an addict. We're a neon sign reminding them of what kind of life they want, but seems so hard for them to attain. They yell at us and break us down because the reflective mirror we represent is too much and makes it too hard for them to stay in their delusion--the delusion that staying on their addict lifestyle is ok/excusable.

Life as an addict is ALL about survival. They are in survival mode... and when that occurs... you push everything/anything out of your life that does not hold up the delusion you have to keep in order to "survive".

I'm sorry for what you've had to go through. The doubting ourselves and what ifs he were right will revisit your brain for a while... just try to keep reminding yourself the words weren't true. it is WELL WITHIN your right to have wants/needs in a relationship. Healthy adult relationships (with friends/lovers/family) are allowed to define these and to not have to fear being told that they were too demanding and that we drove them crazy.
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:31 PM
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Been there, done that, with the whole back and forth thing. They want what they can't have.

And why should you settle for scraps? Yeah, mine called me exerting my boundaries "being controlling." I need someone who understands boundaries are crucial to a healthy relationship!

Originally Posted by Jaguar55 View Post
I don't even live with him anymore. He booted me out of "our" house and I now live with my mother. I am a grown woman in my 40's. Geesh It's embarrassing. I also no longer have a job because of how I have dealt with this relationship. And I left school and moved back to this city so we could buy a house together and get married. I don't like this area and there are few jobs here in my field and I have no friends here. I am quite literally STUCK and now trying to visualize how I will dig myself out of this predicament.

I try to get him to be a "real bf" to me. In short I try to force him to be all the things he used to be or promised to be or I want/need him to be. And he can't and/or won't give me those things. I think my wanting something from him makes him angry. And the pressure and guilt he feels makes him angry. He resents me for trying to force him to be giving and loving. He says I make him hate me. No one else in his life, except maybe his employer, is asking him for anything he doesn't want to or can't give. If I just back off and take whatever "scraps" he throws my way he gets nicer as long as I don't push and as long as I don't flip out when he inevitably does something mean, callous, etc...

A healthy person would have walked away. At various times in the past I DID walk away. The last time I totally moved on, had a job I loved, and even started dating someone else for the first time in years. Guess what happened? He came running after me crying and begging and bargaining and trying to get me to marry him. We ended up back together.
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:35 PM
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StarCat thank you! I am reading that thread now. I had heard of that book, but hadn't read it.

I was never abused growing up, had a really great childhood actually. I don't have a history of abusive relationships with men. But still I ended up at this point in my life in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. I have often thought if I had had more negative experiences in my past that maybe I could have better avoided this situation. I feel like I stumbled into quick sand.

I am still trying to find hope to cling to. I have always hoped that if he got sober and worked on his issues that he would be a loving bf. There was a time that he was sober and he was a different person. He was nice, even sweet, giving, and truly a friend to me during some hard times even though he had nothing to gain from it. That was 2005, wow that's six years ago..... He was sober for 6 months that year. He wasn't an angel, but he was a nice guy. Each time he has started drinking again it has gone on longer and gotten worse.

He has mental health problems and my hope has been that if he were treated that things could be different. During his last period of sobriety he went to counseling and saw a doctor several times as well as going to a psychiatrist and trying several medications. I was sooooo hopeful. The medication that worked best had side effects that were not acceptable. The shrink he ended up seeing was a moron. ABF got frustrated with trying medications and was disillusioned after seeing the crappy shrink and he dropped the ball and stopped making the effort. And a few months later he began drinking again.

I honestly don't know if he even wants to be sober. I'm not even sure he really exists anymore if you know what I mean. And I guess I better get my act together and stop waiting but it makes me sad as sad can possibly be
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Old 05-15-2011, 07:21 AM
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Anyone can end up in an abusive relationship.
By the statistics, one in four women in the United States will be abused at some point in their lifetime by someone they trust.
The abuse sneaks up on you, because they seem so sweet and loving and attentive right at the very beginning.

Letting go is very difficult.
Unfortunately, there does come a time when we have to choose. We either have to let go of them, or we have to let go of ourselves and our dreams/needs/desires, because there's no way we can have both.

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Old 05-15-2011, 07:26 AM
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That's one of the really annoying things about alcoholism. Often alcoholism seems to strike the most AMAZING people, and we can all see the "potential" there, if ONLY they would quit drinking. I also totally get the feeling you have too much "invested" to give up now.

The thing is, at some point (and you are probably way, way past it), you are figuratively (and sometimes literally) throwing good money after bad. You are continuing to waste valuable years of your life hoping for something that may never happen--his seeing the light and committing himself to recovery.

The realization we are in some ways "stuck" can keep us stuck for much longer than is necessary. Feeling "stuck" is really an illusion. We have choices. As unpleasant as our lives may be, sometimes the unknown seems impossibly scary. But the only way to make changes is to make changes.

Al-Anon can help you find the strength to make the changes you need so you can have the life you want and deserve to have. I wish I was still in my forties. You have a lot of good, productive years ahead of you. All it takes is putting one foot in front of the other.
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:30 AM
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In my experience, yes, my ABF or XABF (undefined at this point), is always angry. Usually at me. Not obvious to others. Makes me think I'm insane most times because others don't usually see it.
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Old 05-15-2011, 09:53 AM
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Yep, same here. I am the source of his anger, even when he's completely sober, I'm always the one to blame.
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