Blogs


Notices

need to grieve...

Old 05-07-2011, 12:24 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
need to grieve...

I'm taking all the right steps to get my life back and my self esteem to where it needs to be. Tonight I just keep thinking about RAH tonight. I'm almost positive he's relapsed and probably with the enabling mistress but for once I am at peace. I am at home and my children are peacefully asleep where they should be. There is a certain comfort in knowing I am in complete control of my own life. I was feeling like I miss him so much, having a partner just going bed next to him and him holding me. Then I thought about it more and realized it was just a shell lying next to me and he wasn't my partner in life if he walked out on me in the time I need him the most. So my point...blinders are off and I am starting to see things for the reality. He abused me physically, emotionally....and still tries to! I am taking back my power and mourn for the man I believed him to be. Of course I love him so much still and I always will, but from a distance.
sweetteewalls is offline  
The Following 13 Users Say Thank You to sweetteewalls For This Useful Post:
Alone22 (05-07-2011), anvilhead (05-07-2011), BarelyHere (05-07-2011), CatLover1234 (05-07-2011), Eight Ball (05-07-2011), Florence (05-07-2011), jackien41 (05-09-2011), lockedout (05-07-2011), LS2 (05-07-2011), MyBetterWorld (05-09-2011), sandrawg (05-07-2011), StarCat (05-07-2011), startoveragain (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 02:07 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ValJester's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 59
The Grief is healing; I let mine out, feel those feelings; there is only a finite amount inside, hurt as it will.

Take care
ValJester is offline  
Old 05-07-2011, 08:32 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
kittykitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Blog Entries: 1
I found it very difficult when I first left my ABF to distinguish between the man he was, and the man I had made him out to be in my head. Drawing the line between reality and fantasy was always very difficult for me. Especially because he spent so much time promising me that he wanted/would be the man I wanted him to be.

I liked how you said you mourned him for the man you "believed him to be". This is so true, in so many ways. I had to take responsibility for the disappointment I had in my ABF, admitting that in my warped way of thinking, I had made him out to be this caring, responsible, mature man, who just had some problems on the side, and with me supporting him he could become this great person. This is who I had "hoped" he was, not who he "actually" was. But I saw what I needed/wanted to see.

Realizing he isn't who I made him out to be was instrumental in being able to separate reality from fantasy, and separating from him. It doesn't make him a bad person, and I still care about him, and want him to find happiness. He is in control of his own happiness now, and I am in control of mine. I like being in control of my own happiness, instead of waiting for someone else to take the reins.

It gets better, feel the feelings, this too shall pass.
kittykitty is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to kittykitty For This Useful Post:
Paintbaby (05-07-2011), sandrawg (05-07-2011), StarCat (05-07-2011), startoveragain (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 08:50 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and I appreciate all of you who seem to understand me more than some people I've known my entire life. This is going to be my first Mothers Day alone and I have my kids and that's all I need.
sweetteewalls is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to sweetteewalls For This Useful Post:
kittykitty (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 09:11 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
So true, we are looking for someone to love and hold us and we get an empty shell of a person who is not capable of loving us. We hold on to the dream we had for way too long and are like the frog boiling in the water. It is lukewarm when he first gets in there. That is acceptable and comfortable to him. Slowing the water gets hotter and hotter and he is either forced to jump out or die in the boling water. Ok that end was strong but you get the point.

I'm kinda like the frog, my relationship at the beginning was lukewarm and comfortable to swim in. Like a nice hottub. It had all the qualities I would want in a relationship like Honesty, Faithfulness, Teamwork, Laughter, Fun and above all "TRUST". Then some where along the way the water started to get too hot and uncomfortable and should have jumped out but I didn't.

Along the way I would sometimes ask myself "Why are you accepting this unacceptable behavior?" If you were dating him and he acted like this, you know you would have hightailed it out of the restaurant and not looked back saying something like "See ya A$$****, have a nice life. So what happen to that Girl?? Guess WHAT She is BACK and this FROG is jumping out of the water!!!



I want to be the Frog above!!!!
JACKRUSSELLGIRL is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to JACKRUSSELLGIRL For This Useful Post:
kittykitty (05-07-2011), sandrawg (05-07-2011), startoveragain (05-07-2011), stepsforward (05-09-2011), tjp613 (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 09:23 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
I believe the key in me moving forward is focusing on the reality of the man he was instead of who he could be. The thing that hurts most about that is it makes it seem like our whole life together was based on a lie. I get caught up in "did he really ever love me?" And then I realize..it doesn't matter and I cannot consume myself with those types of thoughts or I will go crazy. I feel like he had a great heart and best of intentions but lacked the follow through. The recurring theme, he is in denial about the disease and I cannot hope anymore he will see the light. I am done settling for less for myself and my kids.
sweetteewalls is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to sweetteewalls For This Useful Post:
Florence (05-07-2011), kittykitty (05-07-2011), sandrawg (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 01:11 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaPinturaBella's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Here's a way to re-frame it. You met this man to get your sweet , precious children. That may have been the sole purpose. By all means grieve, it's healthy and necessary.

Now you have the opportunity to get the real love you deserve in a better package. HP does have it all planned and figured out for us. Hope this helps.
LaPinturaBella is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LaPinturaBella For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (05-07-2011), MyBetterWorld (05-09-2011), sweetteewalls (05-07-2011), tjp613 (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 06:22 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by LaPinturaBella View Post
Here's a way to re-frame it. You met this man to get your sweet , precious children. That may have been the sole purpose. By all means grieve, it's healthy and necessary.

Now you have the opportunity to get the real love you deserve in a better package. HP does have it all planned and figured out for us. Hope this helps.
I couldn't agree more with this post. I find gratitude for my marriage, even as I realize how broken and toxic it is... For without it, I would have my precious babies! There are some great lessons learned. I have grown and evolved as a woman. I'm stronger, more confident, and at ease with myself. I'm aged... Like a fine wine?... Maybe cheese is more appropriate for this site!!!

As I walk through the process and my acceptance evolves, I have gradually developed some love and compassion back for my AH. I recognize his disease, and I am starting to forgive wrongs... But with those clear eyes, I see just how RIGHT divorcing him is FOR ME.

Give it time sweetteewalls... Have given any though to al-anon?
GettingBy is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to GettingBy For This Useful Post:
LS2 (05-07-2011), StarCat (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 08:13 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I can relate to this feeling. I'm not even sure who my boyfriend WAS. He was a heavy drinker from the beginning (binge drinker.) He had a lot of good qualities that I liked. Sometimes he could be mature and fun to talk to, but overall, he made bad, impulsive, immature decisions because of the drinking-that always confuse me. It was like he had a split personality.

Originally Posted by kittykitty View Post
I found it very difficult when I first left my ABF to distinguish between the man he was, and the man I had made him out to be in my head. Drawing the line between reality and fantasy was always very difficult for me. Especially because he spent so much time promising me that he wanted/would be the man I wanted him to be.

I liked how you said you mourned him for the man you "believed him to be". This is so true, in so many ways. I had to take responsibility for the disappointment I had in my ABF, admitting that in my warped way of thinking, I had made him out to be this caring, responsible, mature man, who just had some problems on the side, and with me supporting him he could become this great person. This is who I had "hoped" he was, not who he "actually" was. But I saw what I needed/wanted to see.

Realizing he isn't who I made him out to be was instrumental in being able to separate reality from fantasy, and separating from him. It doesn't make him a bad person, and I still care about him, and want him to find happiness. He is in control of his own happiness now, and I am in control of mine. I like being in control of my own happiness, instead of waiting for someone else to take the reins.

It gets better, feel the feelings, this too shall pass.
sandrawg is offline  
Old 05-07-2011, 08:26 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: caledonia.ont
Posts: 11
Unhappy dating site...

i just found out that my exabf is on a dating site..i kicked him out 5 days ago...i feel so sick..
melloe is offline  
Old 05-07-2011, 08:31 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 317
Aw...my RAH contacted his ex-mistress who enables his drinking the same night he left my house...don't worry...its not like all of a sudden they are cured and 100% on the inside just because they are appearing to move on from us. Try not to focus on him, only yourself. Just trying to keep being around people who value me or else Id be crying nonstop. Have belief that you are better off and deserve more!
sweetteewalls is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to sweetteewalls For This Useful Post:
tjp613 (05-07-2011)
Old 05-07-2011, 09:14 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
kittykitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Blog Entries: 1
If only we could all "move on" so easily. Proving once and for all that no relationship is sacred to an A. Strictly convenience.

A's live in the here and now, and they do things on the cuff that will make them feel better. Melloe and Sweettee, please don't take it personally that he is on a dating site... mine did the same thing. Two weeks later he was emailing and leaving me messages in tears about how miserable he was without me. Not that it matters to me, but the point is he did it to make himself feel better. Just steer clear of the site, to avoid any further heartbreak.

It does make you sick to see it, but remember, your ex is very sick as well. Without a partner to help enable them, and assist them in carrying on with their toxic lives, they won't survive, and they know it. A's don't like to be alone, there's too many demons to face with no one else in the picture. If they had to spend time by themselves, they might have to deal with how miserable they are. And the majority of them, including mine, are just that... miserable. But at the same time, I do truly hope he meets someone who will make him happy, and accept him for who he is. He deserves happiness, regardless of his lifestyle decisions. Just cuz it won't be with me doesn't mean I don't want him to find it elsewhere.

Stay strong, and focus on you. Eventually I realized how thankful I was to NOT be the person who falls for the magical profile and dates this "too good to be true" man they met on a dating site. I pray for him, and whoever winks at him. May he find what he's looking for.
kittykitty is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to kittykitty For This Useful Post:
StarCat (05-08-2011), tjp613 (05-07-2011)
Old 05-08-2011, 06:23 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
After I broke up with XABF, he turned his attentions to trying to get me back. His version of this involved stalking, blaming me for everything that happened, trying to lay guilt trips on me, and his big finale was saying that he'd give me another chance with him to be the woman he wanted me to be because that was the kind of sweet, caring person he was.

I started to wish that he would just move on to someone else, and leave me alone.

If he had moved on and found someone else, I am sure I would have felt differently. I also recognize that we were never married, and it would be more difficult to let go if we had been.

Breakups are difficult and emotional, no matter how they happen, no matter if the person on the other end of the relationship was sucking it dry of any emotion whatsoever, no matter if we just wanted it to end ourselves. It's okay to feel that way. Emotions are healthy, especially after all the time we spend trying to suppress them in our lives while we're in an alcoholic relationship.

It's okay to hurt, it's okay to be angry.
It's okay to feel.

StarCat is offline  
Old 05-09-2011, 09:43 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 205
think possitive - you are taking control of yourself. That is all we can do
GOOD LUCK TO YOU
stepsforward is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:25 AM.