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Old 04-20-2011, 05:36 PM
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Need Second Opinion

Two days ago I went to my ABF's house and found him on the floor nearly comatose from alcohol and a few prescription drugs he was prescribed after he broke his foot on a binge the two nights before. He has never had a drug problem. There was blood all over the wall and the carpet where he collapsed and hit his head from broken glass he was carrying. I had to call EMS and watch them take him away all the while he was saying "Where am I?" He was in a rehab for six weeks over x-mas holidays. The trouble with him is that he is close to needing a new liver from a blood clot is in his portal vein that blocks his liver and can't be removed, causing it not to function properly. So when he drinks, he can die! This past Sunday was his fourth time to drink since getting out of rehab this past January. This was also the closest and most dangerous face with death. He has been going to his AA meeting but I am told by his sponsor he has not been doing the real work. His sponsor said he saw this coming. I am relatively inexperience with alcoholics...although I have had quite a lesson lately. He has been in the hospital three days now and will get out tomorrow. His sponsor told me I had to tell him that I was done with him and could not have any contact with him until he is sober for 90 days. The sponsor seems to be great but 90 days sober before any contact seems crazy. I have made it two days and am dying inside while I know how much he is hurting from the shame he caused everyone around him on this three day binge. The sponsor says it's for me too, but I can't seem to understand why so many days with no contact. This seems extreme, but I want to do the best thing. I have never felt so empty inside. It feels as though he is dead..just gone from my life with no warning. I can't stop crying both for myself and for him. I understand leaving him until he is sober a time but no contact? Does this seem right? His sponsor tells me he is planning to check himself into another rehab. Help! Yes, I am attending my first Al-anon meeting in a couple of hours. I am hurting so much. Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-20-2011, 05:55 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

I think you made a wise choice to attend Alanon. It helped me regain focus in my life.

You will also find support and information here at SR. We are open 24/7.

I enjoy reading in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages. I am always finding wisdom from others in those posts.

This is one of my favorite sticky posts:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:07 PM
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If he ends up in a program/rehab, I'd see what they say about contact. The sponsor should clarify why he thinks this is a good idea. I am not allowed any contact with the "BF" due to recovery program rules and it does suck. It makes you feel like YOU are the problem when it isn't so. It would have been nice to have gotten some explanation why this is so but it is what it is.

Addict/alcoholics will latch onto relationships as a way to avoid facing their recovery head on. I could see where his sponsor would want to put you at a distance but he should explain to you why. Especially if you are a big part of the BF's life. That is just how I see it.

The first 90 days are the toughest in terms of focusing on their recovery. Al-anon is a great idea because we (the ones in relationships with people who are in recovery), get lots of confusing and mixed messages from sponsors, programs, etc. You'd get great support there.

Like I said, get some clarification from the sponsor. You'd feel better.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:19 PM
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I agree with Babyblue- he should have explained and it makes sense to ask him more about it. Some of the points in the link Pelican posted touch on possible reasons, but it seems wise to go through the process of filling out the reasoning with him for yourself.
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Old 04-20-2011, 06:57 PM
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Well, I will be happy to explain it.

The sponsor is asking for no contact, and some re-habs ask for no contact so that the A can totally concentrate on RECOVERY. Totally concentrate on THE UNDERLYING ISSUES that make alcohol and drugs the symptoms.

Now that does not mean at the end of the 90 days they will be cured. Won't happen. But what it does mean is that IF they are serious about recovery they will have gained some EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TOOLS to help them to continue living sober.

It also give YOU time to work on YOU, through AlAnon, therapy, whatever. Anytime we are involved with an A, we end up getting 'screwed' up in our thinking also.

So there you have it.

J M H O from my own experiences living sober for almost 30 years now and working my program to keep me from going back into 'codie' mode.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-20-2011, 07:06 PM
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Ditto what Laurie said.

If you can't go 90 days with no contact, that means you might be kinda... ADDICTED, yourself.

That's not the reason his sponsor suggested no contact, but if you focus on getting your own recovery going during those 90 days you will be in a much better position to cope with whatever comes after that--good, bad, or unknown (and, really, it's ALL pretty unknown, even after 90 days and good progress).

Welcome, you came to the right place.
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:13 PM
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Welcome to SR!
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Old 04-20-2011, 10:30 PM
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Hello and welcome to SR. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I totally agree with what Laurie says. No contact may seem harsh but anything to help him focus on recovery. I certainly pray that he chooses to stop drinking, but that sadly doesn't always happen. Take care of YOU. ((((Hugs))))
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
If he ends up in a program/rehab, I'd see what they say about contact. The sponsor should clarify why he thinks this is a good idea. I am not allowed any contact with the "BF" due to recovery program rules and it does suck. It makes you feel like YOU are the problem when it isn't so. It would have been nice to have gotten some explanation why this is so but it is what it is.

Addict/alcoholics will latch onto relationships as a way to avoid facing their recovery head on. I could see where his sponsor would want to put you at a distance but he should explain to you why. Especially if you are a big part of the BF's life. That is just how I see it.
I can answer this! Your second paragraph here is exactly right.

My XABF (before he earned the "X") went to rehab for 2.5 weeks over Christmas.
The rehab had pay phones available, although they were shut off during certain times of day. (They were on for about three hours a day total, spread across four times - 2 half hours, 2 full hours).
The patients were informed they were allowed to call out no more than 10 minutes per day, but this wasn't enforced.

XABF called me constantly, hogged up the full four hours across the day, and while the phones were off he'd con one of the ladies at the front desk into using the desk phone, saying he "forgot" something he needed and had to call his family to drop it off over the weekend. I got no peace.
I called his psychologist, I told the ladies at the front desk please don't let him use the phone (they denied that they allowed it), I tried everything I could think of, and still the phone kept ringing. I started leaving my phone off 100% of the time, and he would fill up my voicemail, half of it really friendly and pleading, the other half demanding and hurtful. When I did talk to him he told me things like how I should iron his shirts today, and how I'd better be working on myself as much as he was working on himself because he was all better now, so the rest of the problems were my fault.
Finally his psychologist informed him to only call me once per day, and I gave the psychologist the timeframe that would work best for me. He ignored this, but I would only pick it up once.
When I did visit him, 1.5 weeks into rehab, he demanded that now I had to answer the phone whenever he called, and oh, by the way, would I marry him. He completely ignored anything that I tried to talk to him about, just nodding his head that he understood, then saying things that made it clear he didn't listen at all.

I cut contact while he was in rehab. I went no contact two days after the visit, and I do not regret it. And after all that, he had the guts to complain, saying that I "didn't tell him not to call me," so how would he know! This was the point where I realized that the relationship had to end, although I will confess I did not officially tell him it was over until last month when he broke no contact again, and came by my desk at work...
I guess I just wanted to hold on to the delusion that things could change, just a little bit longer.

No contact is there so they can focus on their recovery, instead of claiming they are all fixed and pushing all the responsibility onto some other poor soul. It's for their health, and your safety. Being on the receiving end of a rehab that did NOT enforce this, please trust me on this, you WANT "no contact" during the early stages.
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Old 04-21-2011, 06:48 AM
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blueskye,

Hello, and welcome to soberrecovery. Please visit this site often - when you are hurting, struggling for answers, need to be in contact with others who understand.

We understand.

When you start learning, understanding, and practicing the 12 Steps, you will see that the very first thing to try and do, is surrender what you believe your power is over a situation or person. It's hard, and I think we do it in stages.

The first three Steps are all about surrendering your will, and accepting that there is a higher wisdom, or power at play in our lives. We go kicking and screaming, but we learn to accept that truth. Cuz it really is true.

The sponsor knows what he's talking about. Your ABF needs to listen to his advice, and by association, so do you. Even if you don't understand the whys (which Laurie explained), Just Do It.

How are you doing today?
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