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He's finally left

Old 04-18-2011, 10:08 PM
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He's finally left

Hello - Sorry for the long post, just needed to get some things out, written down and out of my head.

My ABF has finally moved out.

While I feel, finally, some peace...I also feel badly for kicking him out. It was such a wonderful feeling driving home from work knowing that he wouldn't be there. I didn't have knots in my stomach, wondering if he was high or not, still in bed or not, or just how long it would be until he used or was in such a grumpy mood that a fight would start. But yet, when I walked in, I missed him. And I missed our dog even more - I knew he was always happy to see me!

In the past few months I have packed his bags several times, always in the heat of a huge fight. I would be so angry at him, for using (DOC is Crack), yet again, for finding out he stole money, or booze, or whatever else to buy his drugs as he has no money since it's all spent on drugs, and work has been scarce so he has none. I have paid for everything for the last 6 months, and he knows it. I am his biggest enabler, and have been trying to set boundaries and detach for a long time, not always succeeding.

But after the bags were packed and we would calm down and he would sober up, the apologies and promises would come out. The admission of being addicted, and needing to stop would be said, yet again. The plans he had of staying clean, working, paying me back and getting our life back on track would be mapped out. I believe at the time, he had good intentions, however, thats all they ever would be, just intentions, as the drugs would always call for him, and he would always pick up. Always.

And I would fall for it. Was he manipulating me, when I would always believe that THIS time would the the time he does what he says, when I knew deep down, that he wouldn't? Is that manipulation when I didn't really believe him, yet chose to do anyways? Or is that just me being an idiot, trying to fulfill the fantasy of happily ever after? Plus I was just so worried about what he would do if I made him leave - he has no place to go, no friends or family, so he would end up on skid row, doing more drugs and who knows what else to get them. I didn't want the responsibility of putting him there on my shoulders. I didn't want the guilt. Why do I feel that responsibility, that guilt? I have begun to understand co-dependancy and that I am co-dependant - is that why I feel responsible and guilty?!

In packing up all of his things, I discovered more things that are missing, in all likelyhood stolen by him to feed his habit. (He doesn't call it stealing since it's "ours" (but he didn't pay for it!!!) and he can decide what to do with it)Will I ever get over all the lies and resentment? Resentments which make me see red, and see red so fast that I don't even see the green or yellow before it. I have never been a confrontational person or one to fight or argue back -I know it's not necessarily healthy either, but I'm not someone who gets mad. But, holy moly, since his addiction started, I get so angry, so fast. And violent - I'm ashamed to say that I've slapped him twice, and pushed and pulled at him in frustation and anger. This while he was yelling, so loudly, and calling me such awful names, spitting on me (which I equate to being slapped - that infuriates me so much I have realized). I know its not right to react that way just because he was being an idiot, but I really just couldn't help myself. I feel awful about how I have acted and reacted to him and treated him, being childish and having tantrums and just freaking out.

But is it fair to feel badly, when he brought it on? When he accuses me of cheating on him, hourly? He would come into the bedroom while I was trying to sleep, and he would flick on the lights (which he knew irriated me to no end), tear off the covers, ask me where "he" was (some person I was supposedly sleeping with right then and there, even though my bf was up in the bedroom just ten minutes before and logistically, it would be impossible for me to sneak in some guy, have sex with him, and have him back out in just ten minutes without my bf seeing him). He would ask me "what are these wet spots (sheets were bone dry and spotless) and these condoms (there have been no condoms in this house probably ever) and whose hair is this since your hair is eight inches long and this hair is only six inches (hello, have you heard of layers?!)" He would kick the clothes hanging in the closet, thinking some guy was hiding in it (even tho you can see underneath the clothes that no one is there), go thru my phone and wallet, questioning every single thing. I would get so angry at getting accused over and over and over and over of cheating, that I would just freak out, and then I would be called childish for reacting to "just a question". Then when I changed tactics and I would just ignore him when he did those things, then he would take my silence as proof he was right.

I just couldn't win.

But he finally has moved out.

Why do I still feel like I haven't won?
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Old 04-18-2011, 11:37 PM
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I didn't feel like I'd won when I left abusive XAH because it was not what I wanted. I wanted him to get it, to admit he had a problem, get help, get better, and treat me and DS better, be a full participant in our family and an equal partner in our marriage. What I got was absolutely nothing like that.

Hang in there. Keep posting, sharing and healing.
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Old 04-19-2011, 03:10 AM
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Oh wow...you poor girl! The things you have put up with. Now I'm not being callous at all, but reading that story about him coming into the bedroom and accusing you of cheating on him while you had been peacefully sleeping, made me laugh hard. Not laugh at you--laugh at the absolute absurdity.
That action of his is abusive, and that part isn't funny at all, so do not think it lost on me.
It also, I believe, borders on psychotic. The man is hallucinating. It is probably the drugs, no doubt, but it's a serious condition. And again, I repeat for emphasis, it was an abusive thing to do, mentally. Just another example of how crazy and unmanagable life becomes with an active addict.

Same goes for your anger. I am a very laid back person, usually...stressing the usually part!
But living with an active addict brought out a side of me---geesh! I know exactly what you are talking about with the red hot instant rage. I think perhaps, it may even be that those of us that were brought up in homes with some rational thinking, may react with this rage because we are unequipped to deal with this lack of logic. It may also be something more akin to that my father hated it when we were emotional illogical beings, and his slap the idiot button would get pushed, and so I learned that that type of thinking was slapped into reality. Not necessarily healthy, but geez...better than catering to people's small little worlds where they only are viewing their own feelings, which is what an active addict does--they have no conception of anyone else's viewpoint or feelings far too often. But I digress...
What you need is your sanity and serenity, and kicking him out sounds like you finally are taking back the control over your life! Best thing you've done for yourself probably in a long time! Whoo hoo! Your Go Girl! Pompoms to you! Really.
You've removed yourself from the madness. You're not insane, and you sure don't need insanity in your life. Get back to you! Get back to what you know is real, sane, and productive. Yes, that's the path to sanity.

I think rage may be a normal reaction. A "normie" reaction to totally insane behaviors. It's the true codependents that accept, and feed addicts, without anger, that really worry me. They are the true enablers, imho. So often in alanon I hear about "detaching" emotionally. Well, as true a coping mechanism as that may be, it's not a normal reaction, and may even sometimes be unhealthy. It is an evasive maneuver to what may be a normal reaction to insanity.
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Old 04-19-2011, 03:40 AM
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Oh boy, I feel your pain, sadness, frustration, lonliness and anger- all at once. We had a very close friend living with us who's drinking went completely out of control. He hid the bottles from us, thinking I wouldn't know he was drinking. I never knew what we would walk in to when we would come home from work. It got to the point where I was afraid to come home because I didn't know what I would find, the happy friend who had had a good day or the one who was raging and ready to verbally attack as soon as our son was out of range.

When we finally got him out of our house, the peace was wonderful. I would come home to a quiet home (my husband works late) and sometimes it was a bit too quiet, but I felt safe and I didn't have to worry that our son would overhear his angry outbursts. You may find you are a bit lonely at times, but hang in there. Start a new routine for yourself and remember what it was like beforehand. I have said we will NEVER go back (we brought him in 2x- each time thinking he was REALLY doing it this time) and he's still using.

I have also picked up Co-dependant No More by Beattie. I don't know if you are or not, but just the first chapter has helped me see I'm not crazy and my 0-60 outbursts towards him aren't unusual. I've found that I want him sober more than HE wants himself to be sober and there's a problem with that.

Keep asking questions and posting, there are lots of people on here that will empathise and give you sound advice.
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Old 04-19-2011, 03:51 AM
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Was he manipulating me, when I would always believe that THIS time would the the time he does what he says, when I knew deep down, that he wouldn't? Is that manipulation when I didn't really believe him, yet chose to do anyways? Or is that just me being an idiot, trying to fulfill the fantasy of happily ever after?

This above--stop blaming yourself for HOPE.
Hope isn't a bad thing, and you aren't guilty because you have had hope.

Maybe now you've lost that hope. Maybe now losing that hope is a good thing for you. It's sad dammit I know. Losing hope feels awful. That's where we all have such trouble wrapping our head around what to do, but how many times are we going to let addicts cry wolf before we say enough is enough?
You've found YOUR rock bottom. Good for you...it could have gone a lot lower filled with even more despair.
Now it's up to him to find HIS rock bottom. He may not find it for decades, who knows?
Meanwhile...you LIVE! Time stands still for no one.
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Old 04-19-2011, 05:26 AM
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In my experience with my XAH he lost the ability to feel remorse or shame for all the stuff he did. But- he really could still blame me for little stuff. They just lose the ability because their brain is getting eaten up with substances. And I read here too some of them are jerks and then you add a substance and it gets worse. It gets better and better the less contact you have with them. They try to hook you back. But down the road you will be so much better off. Too bad you had to give up the dog. I had to give up a cat. THAT hurt.....
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Old 04-19-2011, 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted by helplessinvan View Post
Why do I feel that responsibility, that guilt? I have begun to understand co-dependancy and that I am co-dependant - is that why I feel responsible and guilty?!
Yes.
We feel responsible for other people's actions, feelings, and decisions.
We have no control over them, but we feel responsible anyway.

Originally Posted by helplessinvan View Post
logistically, it would be impossible for me to sneak in some guy, have sex with him, and have him back out in just ten minutes without my bf seeing him).
I remember a section in the "Why Does He Do That?" book, talking about how this is a form of control, to make baseless accusations. He knows he's wrong, he knows that logically it's impossible, but he accuses anyway because he wants to control, and this is one of the methods he uses.
The example in the book was of a guy stopping by the office to go to lunch with his wife, watching from the lobby as the elevator stopped at the third floor (where she worked) before returning to the lobby. There was a man in the elevator with her, and he accused her of cheating on him in the elevator because he "saw the look they exchanged." When asked about it in his counseling group, he admitted that he knew it was impossible, but "he had to keep her on her toes" and that's why he did it.

You might benefit from some of the posts in this book study:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by helplessinvan View Post
Why do I still feel like I haven't won?
Because this isn't a game, it's your life. There is no winning or losing, there are only choices and consequences. You chose him, he chose drugs, and in that way you were exposed to his consequences. You just made a different choice (the right one, obviously), and from that you will begin to have a different set of consequences.

Don't beat yourself up over the past, that's insane. Give yourself time to heal and grow from this experience. To thine own self be true. And consider changing your SR name - that's an appropriate title for him, not you.
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:37 AM
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You will be lonely. Not only is that person gone, but now all the time spent arguing, cleaning up after them and tip-toeing around them is free time! When I finally got my XAH out of the house it felt so empty and quiet! It's been a few months now and I have adjusted to my new life. I enjoy the peace. I work out in my living room, which I could never do before cuz god forbid I interrupt his TV watching. He will be fine. You will be great! I can't imagine ever going back to that madness. I am slowly becoming me again, and you will too. But give it time, it's kind of like grieving after a death. It's expected and, I think, important to do so. Then, pick yourself up and re-claim yourself! I think it's fantastic, and you will too, I promise!
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Old 04-19-2011, 07:43 AM
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I love you ladies... I'm so proud of you. It's stories like what you have all posted (the peace, serenity, and ability to focus on your own recovery!) that make me keeping stepping forward.

Thanks for this post. It has helped remind me that I am grieving. I need to handle that on my own, and not let it weaken me and make me susceptible to the bait.
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