He's finally left
Hello - Sorry for the long post, just needed to get some things out, written down and out of my head.
My ABF has finally moved out.
While I feel, finally, some peace...I also feel badly for kicking him out. It was such a wonderful feeling driving home from work knowing that he wouldn't be there. I didn't have knots in my stomach, wondering if he was high or not, still in bed or not, or just how long it would be until he used or was in such a grumpy mood that a fight would start. But yet, when I walked in, I missed him. And I missed our dog even more - I knew he was always happy to see me!
In the past few months I have packed his bags several times, always in the heat of a huge fight. I would be so angry at him, for using (DOC is Crack), yet again, for finding out he stole money, or booze, or whatever else to buy his drugs as he has no money since it's all spent on drugs, and work has been scarce so he has none. I have paid for everything for the last 6 months, and he knows it. I am his biggest enabler, and have been trying to set boundaries and detach for a long time, not always succeeding.
But after the bags were packed and we would calm down and he would sober up, the apologies and promises would come out. The admission of being addicted, and needing to stop would be said, yet again. The plans he had of staying clean, working, paying me back and getting our life back on track would be mapped out. I believe at the time, he had good intentions, however, thats all they ever would be, just intentions, as the drugs would always call for him, and he would always pick up. Always.
And I would fall for it. Was he manipulating me, when I would always believe that THIS time would the the time he does what he says, when I knew deep down, that he wouldn't? Is that manipulation when I didn't really believe him, yet chose to do anyways? Or is that just me being an idiot, trying to fulfill the fantasy of happily ever after? Plus I was just so worried about what he would do if I made him leave - he has no place to go, no friends or family, so he would end up on skid row, doing more drugs and who knows what else to get them. I didn't want the responsibility of putting him there on my shoulders. I didn't want the guilt. Why do I feel that responsibility, that guilt? I have begun to understand co-dependancy and that I am co-dependant - is that why I feel responsible and guilty?!
In packing up all of his things, I discovered more things that are missing, in all likelyhood stolen by him to feed his habit. (He doesn't call it stealing since it's "ours" (but he didn't pay for it!!!) and he can decide what to do with it)Will I ever get over all the lies and resentment? Resentments which make me see red, and see red so fast that I don't even see the green or yellow before it. I have never been a confrontational person or one to fight or argue back -I know it's not necessarily healthy either, but I'm not someone who gets mad. But, holy moly, since his addiction started, I get so angry, so fast. And violent - I'm ashamed to say that I've slapped him twice, and pushed and pulled at him in frustation and anger. This while he was yelling, so loudly, and calling me such awful names, spitting on me (which I equate to being slapped - that infuriates me so much I have realized). I know its not right to react that way just because he was being an idiot, but I really just couldn't help myself. I feel awful about how I have acted and reacted to him and treated him, being childish and having tantrums and just freaking out.
But is it fair to feel badly, when he brought it on? When he accuses me of cheating on him, hourly? He would come into the bedroom while I was trying to sleep, and he would flick on the lights (which he knew irriated me to no end), tear off the covers, ask me where "he" was (some person I was supposedly sleeping with right then and there, even though my bf was up in the bedroom just ten minutes before and logistically, it would be impossible for me to sneak in some guy, have sex with him, and have him back out in just ten minutes without my bf seeing him). He would ask me "what are these wet spots (sheets were bone dry and spotless) and these condoms (there have been no condoms in this house probably ever) and whose hair is this since your hair is eight inches long and this hair is only six inches (hello, have you heard of layers?!)" He would kick the clothes hanging in the closet, thinking some guy was hiding in it (even tho you can see underneath the clothes that no one is there), go thru my phone and wallet, questioning every single thing. I would get so angry at getting accused over and over and over and over of cheating, that I would just freak out, and then I would be called childish for reacting to "just a question". Then when I changed tactics and I would just ignore him when he did those things, then he would take my silence as proof he was right.
I just couldn't win.
But he finally has moved out.
Why do I still feel like I haven't won?