Was he manipulating me, when I would always believe that THIS time would the the time he does what he says, when I knew deep down, that he wouldn't? Is that manipulation when I didn't really believe him, yet chose to do anyways? Or is that just me being an idiot, trying to fulfill the fantasy of happily ever after?
This above--stop blaming yourself for HOPE.
Hope isn't a bad thing, and you aren't guilty because you have had hope.
Maybe now you've lost that hope. Maybe now losing that hope is a good thing for you. It's sad dammit I know. Losing hope feels awful. That's where we all have such trouble wrapping our head around what to do, but how many times are we going to let addicts cry wolf before we say enough is enough?
You've found YOUR rock bottom. Good for you...it could have gone a lot lower filled with even more despair.
Now it's up to him to find HIS rock bottom. He may not find it for decades, who knows?
Meanwhile...you LIVE! Time stands still for no one.