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Hi I am new here....any advice?

Old 03-17-2011, 12:01 PM
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Hi I am new here....any advice?

My A is my sons father and i love him very much. we have been seperated for 2 months now with no sign of him caring at all, except that he "says" he does... we will have been together 4 years this month, seperated many times but this is the longest and seems to be the time it stays that way. he is a great father, uncle, freind and always most respectful to others. But he is alcoholic, he works but can never pay his share of the bills, he never stays out all night but sits home drinks, watches tv, passes out. When he is not working he keeps the house, we have a good time together, and enjoy each others company, but he is alcoholic, which means on the weekends not really into doing much with me as a loving couple should as in fun activities together that are HEALTHY. i like to drink, but how can i when he's an alcoholic?

I am very sad, and not sure of anything, i want to be a family, i do love him and i am very scared for him, i dont want him to die. His father was the same and died in early 50's of heart attack, he is headed down the same road and my son will not have a father when he is 20. so naturally i am also sacred my son to, will go down the same road.

i truly believe he is sick and needs help, that he cannot get better by himself, but nothing i have done has any affect on him. i know he has to want to, but what if that never happens? What can i do to make him want to, i don't get it, why doesn't he care? his father died, his son and i left, but still nothing....he has car never had a DUI, never been arrested or fired or anything major, it seems his rock bottom is far far away and may never come.

I feel like it is hopeless and i will be waiting forever, i havent done Al-anon yet, somehow i always find a reason not to go. But really i know it is because i will bawl uncontrolably.

Please tell me what has worked for you, have you tried to help with no success? anything that has worked to get your A to the help they need.? Is there ANYTHING i can do?

It is definantly a roller coaster, one day i want nothing to do with him the next i want to see him, hug him, spend time with him. But still so sad that i seem to care more then him.

Thank you for anything,
Completely Hopeless
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Old 03-17-2011, 12:12 PM
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Al-Anon. I know it's scary, but no one's going to eat you up when you go. Perhaps it's time for you to let out all that bawling and start getting some real support.
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Old 03-17-2011, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by kmkluvr1 View Post
...Please tell me what has worked for you, have you tried to help with no success? anything that has worked to get your A to the help they need.? Is there ANYTHING i can do?
Welcome to SR. I'm sorry to see yet another come to the ranks but we're here to help and we completely understand your plight.

What has worked for me is working on me. Anything beyond that has resulted in failure for me. Nothing has worked to get my A the help she needs. She's a big girl now. I'm not her Daddy. I have a son and he needs me to be healthy even when she's not.
Absolutely there is something you can do. Just make sure you do it for yourself. I know it's cryptic but the bottom line in order for things to improve in our lives, we need to work on our lives. Not the As life. Put yourself first, which you've done by coming here for help. Give it time, keep on reading, keep on writing and things will begin to change for the better. That does not mean your AH will stop drinking and he'll be fixed and life will be good. Your life will get better and that's all that counts. Once that starts to fall in line, you can start making things better for your kid(s).
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Old 03-17-2011, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by kmkluvr1 View Post
Please tell me what has worked for you, have you tried to help with no success?
Yup, I've done just about everything I could think of to get my AH to his bottom! He's not there yet.

Originally Posted by kmkluvr1 View Post
Is there ANYTHING i can do?
Yes, you can take care of you. You can get healthy. You can go to Al-anon... it's not as scary as you think. Walking through the door will be hard... really, really hard... but at least it will be progress.

Originally Posted by kmkluvr1 View Post
Completely Hopeless
Nothing is completely hopeless. There is always hope... the outcome just might not be what WE want it to be.

Hang it there and keep coming back!
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Old 03-17-2011, 01:54 PM
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Welcome to the forum.

I hope you find some answers here!
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Old 03-17-2011, 02:50 PM
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I want to welcome you also... we understand here what you are going through. The things that have really helped me the most have been Al-Anon, Al-Anon literature, and other recovery literature. I have also attended several family programs at treatment centers that have been profoundly helpful as well.

I understand why you are afraid to open yourself up emotionally at an Al-Anon meeting - I felt the same way. It was very isolating and frightening to try to survive this disease all alone. I attended many meetings and said very little - and then made a very quick exit when the meeting was over. Eventually, I started to share a little bit at the meetings and started to feel safe enough to relax. I now have a couple of Al-Anon friends that I really, really trust and that has been amazing support!

So, I guess the biggest step was realizing that I am not alone and people care about me. People wanted to share their experience, strength and hope with me. That's what I found in Al-Anon.
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Old 03-17-2011, 03:53 PM
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Well, what worked for me (at least a little, not 100% "cure"):

I sat mine down with filed divorce papers on the table. Gave 2 alternate futures.

Future 1 -- blow me off, laugh it away, what ever you want to do. But if she didn't go to Rehab that day. Basically right now, I was determined to see the legal action through to the end. I made it clear there would be no second chance. Essentially, if she made the choice of declining rehab and/or not doing exactly what they said, I was done. Period. Bye. have a nice life. See you in court.

Future 2 -- If she went to the rehab appointment I had already made and followed through with what ever course of treatment they suggested, it was possible to NOT divorce. I made it clear simply going was not going to result in my pulling of the divorce papers. Only that going right now made it possible that I could choose to not follow through, based on her continued improvement and a significant improvement in our lives together.

Mine chose to go to rehab and start AA, but it was not easy. She continued to lie at rehab, AA, and lies and drinks to this day. Yesterday in fact, I stumbled across a sports drink container with wine in it. So she is far from cured.

However, she has cut her wine down from 15 bottles a week to probably 1 or 2. Overall, our lives are much better. There is still much improvement on the horizon. There is no promise of staying married. the papers are still filed.

That's what I did. And my life is a bit better. Understand the drunk fairy did not come and sprinkle magic dust making it all go away. She still has alcoholic behavior, still lies, still drinks, still is self centered and prone to fly off the handle at the smallest of things. And this is truly better than it was.

My advice from 20+ years of living with an alcoholic is to run away. Today is better than tomorrow. But only you can decide.
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Old 03-17-2011, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by zrx1200R View Post
My advice from 20+ years of living with an alcoholic is to run away. Today is better than tomorrow. But only you can decide.
And after 20+years of living with an AH. I agree. Knowing what I know now, that's what I'd do.

You signed off "Completely Hopeless." I know you are hurting and feel pretty crummy today but don't assume that there is no hope for you and your child.

You didn't cause your AH's alcoholism. You can't make him stop drinking if he doesn't want to. And, until he stops drinking he's going to continue to go down hill. He'll take you with him. You can stop that. You can do what's best for your and your son.

Welcome to SR. We do understand. We'll listen.
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Old 03-17-2011, 05:05 PM
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Only he can take care of this problem. The only thing that you can do is take care of yourself. I will be honest that because my husband was an alcoholic that I stopped drinking any alcohol. I have never been drunk myself. I just felt like with my Christianity that I needed to be honest with God and just give up the social aspect of drinking that I felt made me "cool". I deeply loved my husband, and I felt I needed to be best role model as well. So I gave up drinking--no regrets.

It is time to play hard to get. As a woman, I want you to think about the traits that you would want in your future boyfriend or spouse.

Here is a list of good traits for a good boyfriend and future spouse:
He is financially responsible.
He takes care of himself--physically and emotionally.
He is there for you and your relationship.

Go for those traits in a future partner. I cannot tell you how many times I had to look at my husband and tell him that I wanted a spouse who had a job and who was sober-Know what you want, and do not settle for less. Guess what, my husband has a job now, and after his last relapse he completed an outpatient program and is going back to AA meetings. He had to make the decision to recover from his alcoholism. The only thing that I could do was set boundaries.

I know this is hard. I have a son myself. And my husband is a good father. It really helped me to get involved with a church and a community group--they have helped me to be strong during the toughest times.
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Old 03-18-2011, 07:04 AM
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thank you all so much for the for the replies, yesterday after reading a few i already felt so much better and was looking forward to going to Al-anon for the first time.

It is so true KerBearz, that i feel very alone, when it comes to the rollercoaster of emotions that go along with loving an alcoholic.

It is so sad because i love him very much and hate to see him kill himself, it is hard to sit back and watch and not be able to do anything. It is so crazy to me that alcohol is so terrible that it not only digs it's fangs into the addict but also the people who love the addict. After knowing the pain i feel from the affects of alcoholism, i can't even imagine what the alcoholic is going through, i can see so much sadness and confusion in him, but he never says a word, his face is already showing signs of the abuse to his body, looking older then he is.

Yes PrettyViolets, i too have not drank since 1/11/11, the day everything went down and he had to go. it is just not right, i guess that may have been a start to helping myself, so maybe one day it will help him.

After reading posts on this site for a while it is amazing to see how many people live with their A's for so long. i dont know how you do it.....if i could, i would but i guess i can't. i know i need help, it is so scary. I think i am also in denial. I keep thinking that if i go to Al-anon, i will get through and past it all and leave him in the dust and not even care anymore, then where will he be? all alone with his beer. wow i could on and on.

Thank you all so much again, i feel like i can go to a meeting and try to start feeling better, i feel better already just reading the support here.
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