Blogs


Notices

Realizing your marriage is over is a real bummer!

Old 03-12-2011, 04:42 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Realizing your marriage is over is a real bummer!

It's really hard to face the reality that I just don't like who my AH is anymore. I used to love him but I have grown up and this disease has really changed him, and he is not the man I married over ten years ago. I feel guilty even saying this because we used to have what I considered a great relationship.

Now every time he is here (we are amicably separated but I guess the hope is to work things out?) I am upset and disgusted with him, and much happier when he is not around. He is going through recovery and I keep hoping for a miracle, hoping he can change but he still has the same mental problems even when he is not drinking. He brings me down. He only feels sorry for himself and doesn't really care about the damage he has caused his family. He says he does, but his actions don't show it.

I am just sad and finally realizing that this marriage I had such great hopes for and produced two great kids is really probably over. It sucks.
Ladybug0130 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Ladybug0130 For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (03-13-2011), reefbreakbda (03-13-2011), starlight40 (03-13-2011), wpasierb (03-12-2011)
Old 03-12-2011, 05:05 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, in some ways, it sucks, but in other ways it is hopeful. You can move on and live your life without your happiness depending on someone else's ups and downs.

How are your kids doing?
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
johnnymau (03-12-2011), reefbreakbda (03-13-2011)
Old 03-12-2011, 05:17 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Yeah, I guess in some ways it really feels good, there is just a part of me that feels like a failure and I need to get past that. I am going to Al-Anon and getting better will just take time I guess. My kids are doing quite well though, they have been so used to me doing everything for the past couple of years that while they love him they don't really seem too affected by him being out of the house. In fact, when he comes over to visit he probably pays them more attention than he did before. They are good and happy kids, and for that I am grateful.
Ladybug0130 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Ladybug0130 For This Useful Post:
LexieCat (03-12-2011), LS2 (03-12-2011), reefbreakbda (03-13-2011)
Old 03-12-2011, 05:22 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Ladybug,
Wow, I feel like we are in so much the same boat... My H thinks that there is something left to be worked out and we've been separated (bc I left with our children) only a week but already I feel SO much better being apart from him than I have being with him in a long long time.

I was around him today and that description you wrote of feeling nothing but disgust and annoyance when your H is around is exactly what I felt... Like your H, mine wants to talk a good game but I cut him off and said I didn't want to hear about what he wanted to do and that if he was for real then he could show what he wants to do by doing it. End of conversation.

I know what you mean too about feeling how much it sucks to realize that the marriage you had great hopes for and that you have been committed to for so long is in all likelihood over...

I'm sorry you're in this same boat too. And I know that even though it's better being apart it doesn't take the sting away (at least not right now) that your marriage isn't what you've fought hard to try and make it...

Sending warm thoughts your way...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
LS2 (03-12-2011), reefbreakbda (03-13-2011), starlight40 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-12-2011, 05:25 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Ha, wanttobehealthy, I just got done posting on your thread that you and I are going through the same thing!

Warm thoughts to you too, we'll get through this!
Ladybug0130 is offline  
Old 03-12-2011, 05:55 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 37
Ladybug~ I am in a very similar situation. I too feel like a failure some days. We used to be a very picture perfect family. At least that is how we appeared to others. It is so hard to face reality and accept what my life really is.
CoffeeLover is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to CoffeeLover For This Useful Post:
Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011), starlight40 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-12-2011, 07:37 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 347
Blog Entries: 1
I am right there with you! You said it in a way I can't....that you just don't like him anymore...how true that is in my case. I don't even hope it will get better any more...>I just pray to find strength to do what I have to do!
FreeingMyself is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to FreeingMyself For This Useful Post:
Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-12-2011, 09:42 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
Ladybug, I'm right there with you and everyone else commenting here. I just don't even listen to him much anymore when he talks..quack...quack. I don't like him and don't want to hear what he has to say. He is so in his own little selfish world. My AH is still active but it's good for me to hear that even when they aren't, they continue with their bad behavior. I want to encourage joint counseling but it's only because I think it's the nice thing to do....the codie part of me wants to give him a chance. Then I wonder why....because he's a royal pain in the butt and doesn't deserve more chances.
boomerlady is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to boomerlady For This Useful Post:
GettingBy (03-13-2011), Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011), reefbreakbda (03-13-2011), starlight40 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-13-2011, 12:57 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Awaiting Email Confirmation
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 53
I wonder that if they are in recovery then after months and maybe years some of those behaviours fade.

Assuming we can put up with it in the interim.

Depends I guess in whether you want to hold out.

I flip flop between feeling "I'm done with this, she's wearing me out" and "hey overall we had a nice day together today"

being patient to see if change comes...
reefbreakbda is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to reefbreakbda For This Useful Post:
Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011), LS2 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-13-2011, 06:04 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
When I separated from my XAH, and perhaps even way before I did, I got really mad at the "picture perfect family", because it was a FALSEHOOD that kept me subjugated to a toxic and abusive environment. I started to realize that this image, along with many others promoted by popular culture today, is fabricated. All the "till death do us part", the "Behind every man is a good woman", the "love heals all" CRAP is the reality of many broken marriage and toxic parenting dynamics that are kept in status quo because its participants want, above all, to fit the coveted mold of the "picture perfect family".

Eventuall, I reasoned that if the image is fabricated, then it can be torn down and reconstructed. My current family situation included me, my toddler, my ageing parents, 2 cats, and my boyfriend. It's nowhere near the norm, and I have discovered many in my own French-Canadian family who are offended by our arrangement, but they can go suck some lemons for all I care.
nodaybut2day is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post:
Hollyanne (03-13-2011), Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011), LS2 (03-13-2011), StarCat (03-14-2011), starlight40 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-13-2011, 06:06 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
ladybug...I'm with Lexie...this realization you've had is also quite priceless. Yes, it's shocking, but you've been given the gift of clarity. Many people would choose to just stick their heads in the sand and go on pretending...
nodaybut2day is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post:
Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-13-2011, 07:10 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
zrx1200R's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
I am excited for you. Yes, it is no doubt scary and unsettling to be starting such a new and different path. But maybe you can find a way to embrace it. It is NEW and DIFFERENT. Go back and read your post. You are much happier when he's not around.

Think of the things you can do when you are happy so much of the time. Think of how much more energy you will have not encumbered with him.

And you can always think about a future with him in it. You leaving may be the catalyst for him to reverse his ways and return to who he was. It "could" happen. Just don't bank on it.
zrx1200R is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to zrx1200R For This Useful Post:
Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-13-2011, 07:26 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
coffeedrinker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Ladybug0130 View Post
Now every time he is here (we are amicably separated but I guess the hope is to work things out?) I am upset and disgusted with him, and much happier when he is not around.
this is what i experienced with my xah. it hit me like a ton of bricks one day, and when we took our last family vacation together, my girls and i had fun when he wasn't with, a lot less fun when he was.

still, it took me over a year to ask for a divorce. i was paralyzed with fear of making it on my own, and of breaking up my family. it was the best decision i ever made though.

feel your feelings. there is grief here. take your time.
coffeedrinker is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to coffeedrinker For This Useful Post:
FreeingMyself (03-13-2011), Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011)
Old 03-13-2011, 07:37 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
GettingBy's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Originally Posted by CoffeeLover View Post
We used to be a very picture perfect family. At least that is how we appeared to others. It is so hard to face reality and accept what my life really is.
Bingo. Same thing here. Most would never have a clue because I've been the perfect step ford wife. When I told my husband that he sister had called me and I told her what was going on... He got mad. His response, "how dare you take this outside our marriage.". I followed him outside to talk and he said, "go inside. I don't want the neighbors to see anything."

Keep up the image, don't let me talk to anyone so i figure out how sick our situation is. Ugh.

Being a single parent has got to be better than this hell I'm living now.
GettingBy is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to GettingBy For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (03-14-2011), Ladybug0130 (03-13-2011), LexieCat (03-13-2011), LS2 (03-13-2011), StarCat (03-14-2011)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:37 AM.