Some things never change...

Old 03-12-2011, 05:07 PM
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Some things never change...

I've told dear husband that I'm leaving two times this week when he was off work. He sent me a message trying to pin everything on me and instead of me getting angry I sent a very heartfelt and simplictic response. He still wants to talk, so be it.

Yeah right, today is his first day off work and what's he do? He runs off with his friends to play basketball and who knows what else, he left at 1:30 and won't be back until at least 10 by his own acknowledgement.

Good grief, for someone who supposedly wants to talk things over to make sure that I'm really leaving, it's such a load of BS. If he were so worried he would of told them no and came here to talk.

He's just playing with my head like always, but at leaset I recognize this time. I guess he figures I'll let it go again and pretend like nothing ever happened. He says he loves me still and tries to kiss me good bye whenever he leaves, but his actions are and always have been so much louder.

It's just a prime example of not being able to blame the alcohol for everything that's going on in his head. I used to pin all the bad behavior on his drinking, reality has proven that it's just him. I don't know if he realizes the impact he has on other people that care about him (and believe me I do care about him still which is why everything is so hard) or if knows and just doesn't care.

Good news is that the house is mine today and tonight just like almost every other day.
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Old 03-12-2011, 07:38 PM
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How heartbreaking!!!! So what's your plan for leaving? I mean, what more is there to say to DH? Do you need to figure out splitting the property, who's gonna live where, etc? It seems to me that he has shown you that he doesn't really care one way or the other. Just YUCK!
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Old 03-12-2011, 08:45 PM
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same planet...different world
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When it's time it's time.

When I was done ... I was done.

SOrry you had a sucky saturday, though.
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Old 03-13-2011, 07:20 AM
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Sorry you feel ignored and not valued.

IMO - going through this twice - men don't talk through things well. In my first, everytime we drove home from the lawyer's office he was in a panic and asking me what we were doing. My response was always, lets get the kids situated and then talk about what we really want to do. I wanted out but was willing to stay if he gave me a good reason. Those talks never happened. Once the kids were situated, he put on his headphones and never came out.

Number two, he was the one who was always threatening to leave but wouldn't. So I had to ask him to leave. I just thought he could get sober and maintain it better without the benefit of responsibility for others. He called often to say he knew what to do and talked a lot but in his behavior and choices remained a staple. For all his talking, nothing changed about him.

On the other hand, talking or not talking with a spouse changed me and so I took charge of my own thoughts and feelings. It is easier to take action when you are honest with yourself and then it doesn't matter if they want to talk or not. Isn't that what they are doing too? Behavior says a lot about what is someone's mind.
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Old 03-13-2011, 07:46 AM
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I'm going through a similar thing. Have made the decision its over. Now just trying to figure out my exit strategy.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
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Old 03-13-2011, 08:04 AM
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yes, it seems the one think we can count on is the behavior of our alcoholic spouse. They are so predictable. And now fully armed with the collective wisdom here, I find I am no longer alone. That all her "gaslighting" or crazy making, or what ever she does is stereotypical of most.

You are wise to recognize true change is an elusive behavior.

Stay strong. stick to your guns. And remember, he will say and do what ever he he needs to in order to get what he wants. I predict as you approach actually leaving and he sees you are serious, he will start quacking and say all the things you need to hear. I find it helps to visualize them as a duck, and pay no attention to the words. I try to make them just as meaningless to me as they are to my alcoholic wife.
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Old 03-13-2011, 08:28 AM
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that is very typical behavior for my xah. they're just scared and never learned how to deal.

make your plans, inform him of them, then let the hope/expecation of him participating the way you wish he would go. if necessary, contact an attorney so you don't have to go through this cr*p.
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:59 AM
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aaah but one day...someone is gonna live...and then what is he gonna do about it?...IF YOU mean it...leave...thats crying wolf and he knows it....
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Old 03-13-2011, 11:54 AM
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I am going to challenge your thread title. Some things do change, and that's when we decide to change those things.

Your spouse is the only person with the power to change himself; nothing you can say (or threaten) will make that happen for him. It's not your fault; you didn't break him, you can't fix him. If you need to leave, go. You don't have to do anything more drastic than that right now.

I've come to the realization that I can't expect him to change his ways if I continue to be all talk and no action.
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Old 03-13-2011, 09:46 PM
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I ended up having a great weekend, spent the day with my son on Saturday and he was an angel all day long (which is amazing if you knew him). We were outside most of it, I cleaned the house, totally cleaned my vehicled, moved a dog kennel, bathed 2 dogs and gave son a bath. It surprised me that I enjoyed being so productive, lol. I didn't see AH but just a short time, he left within an hour of being up and didn't get back until about 4:30 AM and I was just fine having not seen hiim. Sunday, he kept son after he finally got up around 11:30, I didn't do much today. Visited my family, talked to some dear friends and ended up going to watch Red Riding Hood with my daughter.

It was realliy a great weekend! And again I'm so surprised because I was completely ready for drama, drama, drama and it just didn't happen.

If he wants to play the game where he pretends we're *****-dory so be it, but I'm not. I'm not required to worry about where he spends so much time or how he could possibly think being MIA until 4:30am, so I didn't (usually I would be upset all weekend). Ya I did think about it a couple of times, but I refused to let it consume me and ruin MY weekend.

I told him twice I was leaving this week and I suppose I'll have to say it again tomorrow when I get back because he really just isn't getting it. If that's how it has to be then that's what it'll be.

If this is a sign of the future then I'm ready for it!!!!!!!! Completely great, couldn't be better weekend and NONE of it involved him and his BS. LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!
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