Realizing your marriage is over is a real bummer!
 

It's really hard to face the reality that I just don't like who my AH is anymore. I used to love him but I have grown up and this disease has really changed him, and he is not the man I married over ten years ago. I feel guilty even saying this because we used to have what I considered a great relationship.

Now every time he is here (we are amicably separated but I guess the hope is to work things out?) I am upset and disgusted with him, and much happier when he is not around. He is going through recovery and I keep hoping for a miracle, hoping he can change but he still has the same mental problems even when he is not drinking. He brings me down. He only feels sorry for himself and doesn't really care about the damage he has caused his family. He says he does, but his actions don't show it.

I am just sad and finally realizing that this marriage I had such great hopes for and produced two great kids is really probably over. It sucks.

Well, in some ways, it sucks, but in other ways it is hopeful. You can move on and live your life without your happiness depending on someone else's ups and downs.

How are your kids doing?

Yeah, I guess in some ways it really feels good, there is just a part of me that feels like a failure and I need to get past that. I am going to Al-Anon and getting better will just take time I guess. My kids are doing quite well though, they have been so used to me doing everything for the past couple of years that while they love him they don't really seem too affected by him being out of the house. In fact, when he comes over to visit he probably pays them more attention than he did before. They are good and happy kids, and for that I am grateful.

Ladybug,
Wow, I feel like we are in so much the same boat... My H thinks that there is something left to be worked out and we've been separated (bc I left with our children) only a week but already I feel SO much better being apart from him than I have being with him in a long long time.

I was around him today and that description you wrote of feeling nothing but disgust and annoyance when your H is around is exactly what I felt... Like your H, mine wants to talk a good game but I cut him off and said I didn't want to hear about what he wanted to do and that if he was for real then he could show what he wants to do by doing it. End of conversation.

I know what you mean too about feeling how much it sucks to realize that the marriage you had great hopes for and that you have been committed to for so long is in all likelihood over...

I'm sorry you're in this same boat too. And I know that even though it's better being apart it doesn't take the sting away (at least not right now) that your marriage isn't what you've fought hard to try and make it...

Sending warm thoughts your way...

Ha, wanttobehealthy, I just got done posting on your thread that you and I are going through the same thing! :)

Warm thoughts to you too, we'll get through this!

Ladybug~ I am in a very similar situation. I too feel like a failure some days. We used to be a very picture perfect family. At least that is how we appeared to others. It is so hard to face reality and accept what my life really is.

I am right there with you! You said it in a way I can't....that you just don't like him anymore...how true that is in my case. I don't even hope it will get better any more...>I just pray to find strength to do what I have to do!

Ladybug, I'm right there with you and everyone else commenting here. I just don't even listen to him much anymore when he talks..quack...quack. I don't like him and don't want to hear what he has to say. He is so in his own little selfish world. My AH is still active but it's good for me to hear that even when they aren't, they continue with their bad behavior. I want to encourage joint counseling but it's only because I think it's the nice thing to do....the codie part of me wants to give him a chance. Then I wonder why....because he's a royal pain in the butt and doesn't deserve more chances.

I wonder that if they are in recovery then after months and maybe years some of those behaviours fade.

Assuming we can put up with it in the interim.

Depends I guess in whether you want to hold out.

I flip flop between feeling "I'm done with this, she's wearing me out" and "hey overall we had a nice day together today"

being patient to see if change comes...

When I separated from my XAH, and perhaps even way before I did, I got really mad at the "picture perfect family", because it was a FALSEHOOD that kept me subjugated to a toxic and abusive environment. I started to realize that this image, along with many others promoted by popular culture today, is fabricated. All the "till death do us part", the "Behind every man is a good woman", the "love heals all" CRAP is the reality of many broken marriage and toxic parenting dynamics that are kept in status quo because its participants want, above all, to fit the coveted mold of the "picture perfect family".

Eventuall, I reasoned that if the image is fabricated, then it can be torn down and reconstructed. My current family situation included me, my toddler, my ageing parents, 2 cats, and my boyfriend. It's nowhere near the norm, and I have discovered many in my own French-Canadian family who are offended by our arrangement, but they can go suck some lemons for all I care.

ladybug...I'm with Lexie...this realization you've had is also quite priceless. Yes, it's shocking, but you've been given the gift of clarity. Many people would choose to just stick their heads in the sand and go on pretending...

I am excited for you. Yes, it is no doubt scary and unsettling to be starting such a new and different path. But maybe you can find a way to embrace it. It is NEW and DIFFERENT. Go back and read your post. You are much happier when he's not around.

Think of the things you can do when you are happy so much of the time. Think of how much more energy you will have not encumbered with him.

And you can always think about a future with him in it. You leaving may be the catalyst for him to reverse his ways and return to who he was. It "could" happen. Just don't bank on it.

this is what i experienced with my xah. it hit me like a ton of bricks one day, and when we took our last family vacation together, my girls and i had fun when he wasn't with, a lot less fun when he was.

still, it took me over a year to ask for a divorce. i was paralyzed with fear of making it on my own, and of breaking up my family. it was the best decision i ever made though.

feel your feelings. there is grief here. take your time.

Bingo. Same thing here. Most would never have a clue because I've been the perfect step ford wife. When I told my husband that he sister had called me and I told her what was going on... He got mad. His response, "how dare you take this outside our marriage.". I followed him outside to talk and he said, "go inside. I don't want the neighbors to see anything."

Keep up the image, don't let me talk to anyone so i figure out how sick our situation is. Ugh.

Being a single parent has got to be better than this hell I'm living now.