Blogs


Notices

Do I Tell?

Old 03-07-2011, 05:21 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Do I Tell?

AH is on parole as part of a case waiting to go to trial. He rolled the car window up on my arm during an argument. I was angry that he had said he was going to go to rehab and on the day he was to go he said no. We had a heated argument and my arm wound up caught in the window. I called the police, they talked to us separately, arrested him, put a no contact order in place, the State is forcing it to go to a trial and his parole says in bold letters NO ALCOHOL USE.

He has been drinking again over the past week and I asked him if he was aware that he was violating parole and aware of how significant that was. I told him that if he or I are asked under oath about this fact, we will either have to lie or tell the truth, in which case he will go to jail.

My police report and petition to remove the no contact order both speak clearly about his alcoholism and the initial recommendation from the prosecutors office (in terms of a possible "plea deal") involves him going to rehab. I can't imagine that the court is not going to ask me pointedly about his drinking over these past weeks.

I told him last night that I was really confused about whether to call the police, knowing he was violating his probation. He looked at me icily cold and told me that he will go to jail if I do (I know that) and if that happens he will lose his job (as it is he was arrested at work and his job is hanging in the balance).

We have a mortgage, 2 young kids and my job is 90% likely to be cut next year due to budget cuts (I was told this a few months ago). We can't afford for him to be fired and that truly is my reason to not have him face the music for his choices.

Am I enabling (I guess I know that I am)? What should I be doing? It's not as black and white as I would like it to be... my kids lives will be impacted if he is fired (and will never get hired in his field again if he is fired for a reason like this)...

I don't know what to do... right now I am saying nothing but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 05:27 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
yes you are enabling...you are not helping him any....

when i was with my A it was almost the same thing...but he breched his contract i set in place...I did call the parole officer in charge....*washed my hands from it*...oh ya, i got called every name in the book...but you know what...he has the character defect, not me...DEAL WITH IT was my madoe at that time...

so yes...put your words in ACTION.....do it....and take a deep breath, everything else will slowly fall into place...
fourmaggie is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to fourmaggie For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (03-08-2011), nodaybut2day (03-07-2011), StarCat (03-07-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 05:32 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
By keeping his secret you are preventing him from facing the consequences of HIS actions and choices.

Yes, things will change, but from what I understand by reading your other posts, you are on the brink of a monumental change anyhow. HP is giving you a sign here; it's up to you to decide if you want to walk through.

IMO, considering the choices you are facing, him being in jail might make things easier for you in the long run (ask me how I know...XAH is an ex-con and I didn't speak up when it could have made a difference...now I live in fear everyday that he'll swoop in out of nowhere and take my baby).

I've often hear this saying on SR and in my case, it's been very true:
"Leap and the net will appear".
nodaybut2day is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post:
seekingcalm (03-08-2011), StarCat (03-07-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 05:35 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Blog Entries: 1
Hang on, he is saying that he will go to jail if you tell?

How about "he will go to jail because he's drinking"? He is putting himself there, not you.

When's the trial date?
Bolina is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Bolina For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (03-08-2011), fourmaggie (03-09-2011), Jazzman (03-08-2011), nodaybut2day (03-08-2011), StarCat (03-08-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 05:41 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
LaTeeDa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I know it feels like lying and enabling him is a way to protect yourself, but really it's not. It's a stopgap at best. I once told my therapist I felt like I was trying to stop a dam from bursting by sticking my fingers in the cracks. Pretty soon you run out of fingers.

So, rather than trying to figure out what to do about the "crisis du jour," try looking at the whole situation. In my estimation, it doesn't really matter whether you lie for him or not, because eventually his actions will catch up to him and he WILL lose his job. So, is it worth it for you to lie in order to prevent that for a period of time? Only you can decide that. But, the more important issue is to start to prepare for what you will do WHEN the inevitable happens.

L
LaTeeDa is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LaTeeDa For This Useful Post:
Jazzman (03-08-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 05:41 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
The trial date is May 12.

He feels that he is drinking at home and it was "just 3 beers" on 2 nights. He is telling me that it is not natural consequences if I call bc his drinking should not impact me-- I am letting it impact me (he's right). If he went and bought beer and got "caught", THAT would be natural consequences I feel... I don't feel right being the one who rats him out... Is that completely sick of me? (probably yes).

FYI. I am staying at my mom's with our kids as of tonight and have told him that I am staying here for the indefinite future.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
nodaybut2day (03-08-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 05:44 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think you are talking about a bail condition, not parole. Parole is when you get released from prison before the sentence has expired. Probation is a separate sentence that can be imposed, which allows you to avoid jail as long as you comply with conditions. Both only happen AFTER a conviction by plea or trial.

It's up to you whether to "report" his violation of the bail condition. My own experience in court (I work in the legal fireld) is that the prosecutor will ask you whether you want alcohol treatment as a condition of his probation. I doubt you will be put in the position where you have to answer questions about whether he is continuing to drink. HOWEVER, if you are asked, you should answer all questions truthfully to the best of your ability, and let the chips fall where they may.

It helps neither of you to lie to help him avoid the natural consequences of his choices.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (03-08-2011), StarCat (03-08-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 05:48 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Incidentally, in many courts, compliance with bail conditions is monitored by a probation officer, which is where you might have gotten the idea he is on probation.

Again, though, there is a difference between a decision to affirmatively REPORT he is drinking, and merely responding truthfully if you are asked by court personnel or the prosecutor.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
StarCat (03-08-2011), wanttobehealthy (03-08-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 05:51 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Blog Entries: 1
Good for you for getting yourself and the kids out. The fact that he is so arrogant about drinking whilst he has no drinking as a bail condition speaks volumes.

LTD is right, you don't need to rat him out. I know that I would feel tempted to do so in an attempt to get him to just stop drinking already. Given that you have heated arguments already, I can't see what would be gained by raising the stakes at this stage. No reason why you have to lie if questions are asked under oath, though. In fact, I would say that it is your duty to yourself and the court to tell the truth. Lying under oath is a serious matter. Whatever consequences are due to him will occur, especially with his attitude. It may be now or in 10 years time, but until he gets some awareness and humility, they are coming.
Bolina is offline  
Old 03-07-2011, 07:53 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I think he is right about natural consequences. You reporting him is not natural. It is an attempt at manipulation - telling him that you have power over him and threatening to use it. I don't mean to be mean and I hope it doesn;t come across that way - I am just giving you my analysis of what you're doing.

And from my own marriage, what happens next is that he calls you a controlling witch and tells you to worry about your own problems and let him worry about his, and ultimately he is right. Worry about YOU.

Unless he is hurting you, I would not take a step that causes him to lose his job. I would file for temporary child support while the case is pending and while he is still working - not do something that threatens your livelihood. That wouldn't be smart.
stella27 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to stella27 For This Useful Post:
LexieCat (03-07-2011), wanttobehealthy (03-08-2011)
Old 03-08-2011, 07:08 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
 
StarCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Since you know a year in advance that your job may be terminated, maybe NOW would be the time to start down-sizing, saving, and planning so you don't have to depend on his income for necessities.

And, if it comes to testifying in court, the truth is always best. Lying about being abused only makes it harder for other abused women.
I absolutely agree with this.
Now is the time to start planning out all of this, and preparing for the inevitable.

It is important to tell the truth about whether or not he drank anything, if asked. That said, there's no need to report it, unless his drinking is putting you in a bad situation (more than just a lack of detachment).
StarCat is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to StarCat For This Useful Post:
seekingcalm (03-08-2011)
Old 03-08-2011, 03:48 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Blog Entries: 3
Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy View Post
AH is on parole as part of a case waiting to go to trial. He rolled the car window up on my arm during an argument. I was angry that he had said he was going to go to rehab and on the day he was to go he said no. We had a heated argument and my arm wound up caught in the window. I called the police, they talked to us separately, arrested him, put a no contact order in place, the State is forcing it to go to a trial and his parole says in bold letters NO ALCOHOL USE.

He has been drinking again over the past week and I asked him if he was aware that he was violating parole and aware of how significant that was. I told him that if he or I are asked under oath about this fact, we will either have to lie or tell the truth, in which case he will go to jail.

My police report and petition to remove the no contact order both speak clearly about his alcoholism and the initial recommendation from the prosecutors office (in terms of a possible "plea deal") involves him going to rehab. I can't imagine that the court is not going to ask me pointedly about his drinking over these past weeks.

I told him last night that I was really confused about whether to call the police, knowing he was violating his probation. He looked at me icily cold and told me that he will go to jail if I do (I know that) and if that happens he will lose his job (as it is he was arrested at work and his job is hanging in the balance).

We have a mortgage, 2 young kids and my job is 90% likely to be cut next year due to budget cuts (I was told this a few months ago). We can't afford for him to be fired and that truly is my reason to not have him face the music for his choices.

Am I enabling (I guess I know that I am)? What should I be doing? It's not as black and white as I would like it to be... my kids lives will be impacted if he is fired (and will never get hired in his field again if he is fired for a reason like this)...

I don't know what to do... right now I am saying nothing but I don't know if that's the right thing to do.
Seems to me he's already broken the terms of his probation. I mean no contact means no contact and U still live together? I would worry less about the alcohol than about the fact both of you are definitely not doing the right thing for either of you.
blwninthewind is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 04:30 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
She said in a previous post the no-contact condition had been lifted, by agreement.
LexieCat is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 05:24 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
The no contact was lifted a month after it was put in place. We went to court, he was told in no uncertain terms that IF it were lifted he was expected to attend AA, seek counseling and the bail conditions said NO ALCOHOL.

I learned today (big surprise to most I am sure) that last night, instead of actually attending his therapy appt and his "home group" (which I doubt he has attended regularly for some time now) meeting, he sat at home and got plastered. And then he sent me emails all day being all lovey dovey and when he got no reply, started getting nasty.

I stopped by home to get groceries (I had today off and my youngest has a lot of food allergies so I went to get her food) and got the mail (and found beer cans littered throughout the house). In the mail was a notice from our insurance co regarding his missed appts on 2 separate dates recently with his therapist.

He has been making a huge to do about his therapy appts and how good they are and how helpful the guy is and voila, it turns out he's lying again and hasn't even been taking his sorry self there.

I called my lawyer today to ask directly about my culpability living with him, knowing he is drinking and not reporting him. In a nutshell here's what I was told: I will most likely be asked about how he fared with this bail condition at the trial since the issue of his alcoholism has been addressed by the court already and the prosecutor's preliminary recommendation (regardless of the trial outcome) is that rehab be mandatory. I was told that I will be asked about his drinking (since we both agreed it would not happen as a condition of the no contact order being lifted). At that point I will either have to tell the truth or lie. In either case lives will be shattered. I will NOT lie and I woke up I guess bc I realized that any court with any common sense looking at me, a parent with 2 young kids who has allowed her husband to drink against his bail terms and stayed with him, is likely to see me as questionable as a parent myself and who knows... maybe child services would wind up involved...

That conversation along with a fortuitous doctor's appt where my doctor shared with me that he left his alcoholic wife when their daughter was 18 months old and she recently wrote a college admission essay talking about how that probably saved her life, really really hit home.

I called my husband and told him I would not be home anytime soon. He actually asked if that meant I was taking the girls!?!! I said yes and that he could not be trusted with them since he is unable to control his drinking and behaviors. He tried to argue and I stopped him and said that this was what I could take control of-- my life. I can't change him, I've probably made things worse trying to. I have contributed to making life tense and difficult for the girls and I said that "nothing is going to change if nothing changes" and that this was my decision- the end. He started in blaming me for his lack of "peace" and telling me that his recovery is difficult because of the toxicity I bring to his life. I said that I hoped if that were true he'd find being alone would make recovery easy and reminded him that this past Fri, when I was being viewed as a saint in his eyes, he still was unable to stay sober. Just sayin.

I told him I was not doing this to punish him and do in fact love him very much (I do). I said that this was something I had to do because I can't stay sane living in our status quo. I said that many a person could probably detach and live side by side with an alcoholic and not take it personally and fall apart like I have been lately, but that I am not one of them. I apologized for that and said that my inability to do that was all me- not his fault.

That was kind of how it ended. I told him if he wanted to come see the girls at my mom's he was welcome to (bc regardless of how I feel about him, I will NOT be "that" parent who poisons her kids against her spouse bc of her personal feelings). He came over, I made myself scarce (but still in the house) and the girls were glad to see him.

He sent me the following text after he left. I am not reading anything into it or taking it as a "sign" of anything other than that he is scared and seeing that I am actually keeping my word for a change (in terms of saying I can't live this way anymore and actually doing something about it). I expect in a few days to start getting ones that are full of anger... Here's what he said for anyone who wants to play analyst! The spelling issues are his! I will just say this: he seems to avoid saying anything about himself specifically-- and when we talked this afternoon he wouldn't come out and say he was ill-- just that "things" around him and things within him needed to change. Still looking to make it others fault. Oh, and he told me that he drank last night bc he went to his meeting (still doubtful this is true) looking for it to be what he needed to "snap out" of his thinking and it offered him nothing. Real ownership there huh?

"The childish wishing is what got me drinking last nite. I wanted to snap my fingers and have everyone, myself included, to behave differently. Stupid, stinkin thinkin and recipe for relapse. I am going up to ________________ (name of hospital where outpatient rehab program is that he's been through once and he's been claiming he was going to contact for 3 weeks) to get into ________________ (rehab program name). I want to be healthy and want our family to b happy. That won't happen without more help. Thanks for talking with me this afternoon I love u."

I am miserable, have puffy eyes like no one's business from crying all day and am facing the fact that I may very well end up divorced. I haven't really been this honest with myself about this before now. I feel heartbroken and empty and lost. But I also feel less anxious about whether he'll drink, whether he'll lie, when he'll disappoint me next etc... than I have in a long long time...

I think the key is going to be limiting my interactions with him. I think it will be very easy for me to get sucked back in to the cycle (the promises, the actions that look too good to be true etc...) and I am going to do my best to not let that happen.

Thanks for all your support over these past few days. I don't think I would be here doing what I am without all of you.
wanttobehealthy is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to wanttobehealthy For This Useful Post:
fourmaggie (03-09-2011), nodaybut2day (03-09-2011), StarCat (03-08-2011), stella27 (03-08-2011), suki44883 (03-08-2011)
Old 03-08-2011, 05:38 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Just livin' the dream
 
suki44883's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 28,961
You did great! Stay strong. You are taking the reins of your life back and, while it might be hard sometimes, it is definitely the best thing for you and your children.
suki44883 is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 05:43 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Blog Entries: 1
Hurrah!! You did brilliantly. Especially after all the stress you've been under.

Watch and wait and see what happens now. The ball is entirely in his court. In the meantime, be gentle on yourself and get some rest and spend some happy time with your girls. You all deserve it.

And print off your last post and refer to it whenever you are feeling downhearted.
Bolina is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 05:44 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Wow.

You have had one heck of a day, and may I say, you handled it... MAGNIFICENTLY.

Crying and getting puffy and scared doesn't diminish that one tiny bit. How interesting that your doctor had such a relevant story for you. (I think there are NO coincidences.) Calling your lawyer to ask your question was also very smart AND brave. It's so easy to avoid seeking the truth about our situations, but you DID it. Knowledge is power.

You also said good things to your husband--honest things. Whether he recovers or not, you are keeping YOUR side of the street clean. Awesome. Really awesome.

I hate to sound like an idiot here, but it seems like a few things clicked for you today. I have a VERY strong feeling you will come through whatever comes just fine. Seriously.

HUGE hugs, I hope you can take a nice hot bath or something--you had a tough day.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
StarCat (03-08-2011)
Old 03-08-2011, 06:26 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Would like to add that my mother, while heading to a singing group she belongs to, went by my husbands car parked outside his work. She felt the need to call and tell me that which I would have preferred she not, BUT for the first time in a long time I am not falling apart bc he lied to me (clearly not at a meeting and not at the rehab program).

I am upset but not like I would have been even yesterday. Just goes to show that texts like the one he sent should be treated like every other thing he says. Assume it's a thought he has but not likely to be something he will follow through with.

I just hope he doesn't start pulling not following through stuff with our kids. Only time will tell.

I did email him to say I knew he was at work and wish I hadn't since he'll just view it as being checked up on and use it as a reason to be pisssed... Oh well. Can't change it now. I just won't do so next time...
wanttobehealthy is offline  
Old 03-08-2011, 09:25 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Blog Entries: 3
Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
She said in a previous post the no-contact condition had been lifted, by agreement.
Sorry about that...I missed it.
blwninthewind is offline  
Old 03-09-2011, 02:19 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
I AM CANADIAN
 
fourmaggie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Blog Entries: 45
keep strong in setting your boundaries....now...let go and let good and BREATHE!
fourmaggie is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:11 PM.