Thread: Do I Tell?
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Old 03-08-2011, 04:24 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
wanttobehealthy
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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The no contact was lifted a month after it was put in place. We went to court, he was told in no uncertain terms that IF it were lifted he was expected to attend AA, seek counseling and the bail conditions said NO ALCOHOL.

I learned today (big surprise to most I am sure) that last night, instead of actually attending his therapy appt and his "home group" (which I doubt he has attended regularly for some time now) meeting, he sat at home and got plastered. And then he sent me emails all day being all lovey dovey and when he got no reply, started getting nasty.

I stopped by home to get groceries (I had today off and my youngest has a lot of food allergies so I went to get her food) and got the mail (and found beer cans littered throughout the house). In the mail was a notice from our insurance co regarding his missed appts on 2 separate dates recently with his therapist.

He has been making a huge to do about his therapy appts and how good they are and how helpful the guy is and voila, it turns out he's lying again and hasn't even been taking his sorry self there.

I called my lawyer today to ask directly about my culpability living with him, knowing he is drinking and not reporting him. In a nutshell here's what I was told: I will most likely be asked about how he fared with this bail condition at the trial since the issue of his alcoholism has been addressed by the court already and the prosecutor's preliminary recommendation (regardless of the trial outcome) is that rehab be mandatory. I was told that I will be asked about his drinking (since we both agreed it would not happen as a condition of the no contact order being lifted). At that point I will either have to tell the truth or lie. In either case lives will be shattered. I will NOT lie and I woke up I guess bc I realized that any court with any common sense looking at me, a parent with 2 young kids who has allowed her husband to drink against his bail terms and stayed with him, is likely to see me as questionable as a parent myself and who knows... maybe child services would wind up involved...

That conversation along with a fortuitous doctor's appt where my doctor shared with me that he left his alcoholic wife when their daughter was 18 months old and she recently wrote a college admission essay talking about how that probably saved her life, really really hit home.

I called my husband and told him I would not be home anytime soon. He actually asked if that meant I was taking the girls!?!! I said yes and that he could not be trusted with them since he is unable to control his drinking and behaviors. He tried to argue and I stopped him and said that this was what I could take control of-- my life. I can't change him, I've probably made things worse trying to. I have contributed to making life tense and difficult for the girls and I said that "nothing is going to change if nothing changes" and that this was my decision- the end. He started in blaming me for his lack of "peace" and telling me that his recovery is difficult because of the toxicity I bring to his life. I said that I hoped if that were true he'd find being alone would make recovery easy and reminded him that this past Fri, when I was being viewed as a saint in his eyes, he still was unable to stay sober. Just sayin.

I told him I was not doing this to punish him and do in fact love him very much (I do). I said that this was something I had to do because I can't stay sane living in our status quo. I said that many a person could probably detach and live side by side with an alcoholic and not take it personally and fall apart like I have been lately, but that I am not one of them. I apologized for that and said that my inability to do that was all me- not his fault.

That was kind of how it ended. I told him if he wanted to come see the girls at my mom's he was welcome to (bc regardless of how I feel about him, I will NOT be "that" parent who poisons her kids against her spouse bc of her personal feelings). He came over, I made myself scarce (but still in the house) and the girls were glad to see him.

He sent me the following text after he left. I am not reading anything into it or taking it as a "sign" of anything other than that he is scared and seeing that I am actually keeping my word for a change (in terms of saying I can't live this way anymore and actually doing something about it). I expect in a few days to start getting ones that are full of anger... Here's what he said for anyone who wants to play analyst! The spelling issues are his! I will just say this: he seems to avoid saying anything about himself specifically-- and when we talked this afternoon he wouldn't come out and say he was ill-- just that "things" around him and things within him needed to change. Still looking to make it others fault. Oh, and he told me that he drank last night bc he went to his meeting (still doubtful this is true) looking for it to be what he needed to "snap out" of his thinking and it offered him nothing. Real ownership there huh?

"The childish wishing is what got me drinking last nite. I wanted to snap my fingers and have everyone, myself included, to behave differently. Stupid, stinkin thinkin and recipe for relapse. I am going up to ________________ (name of hospital where outpatient rehab program is that he's been through once and he's been claiming he was going to contact for 3 weeks) to get into ________________ (rehab program name). I want to be healthy and want our family to b happy. That won't happen without more help. Thanks for talking with me this afternoon I love u."

I am miserable, have puffy eyes like no one's business from crying all day and am facing the fact that I may very well end up divorced. I haven't really been this honest with myself about this before now. I feel heartbroken and empty and lost. But I also feel less anxious about whether he'll drink, whether he'll lie, when he'll disappoint me next etc... than I have in a long long time...

I think the key is going to be limiting my interactions with him. I think it will be very easy for me to get sucked back in to the cycle (the promises, the actions that look too good to be true etc...) and I am going to do my best to not let that happen.

Thanks for all your support over these past few days. I don't think I would be here doing what I am without all of you.
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