After reading SR feeling scared...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
After reading SR feeling scared...
First let me say this is a wonderful site and even though I am a newbie here I can tell already that this is an amazing group.
Reading the posts this morning is making so scared, so unsure of what is around the corner for me. What some are going through with cheating spouses, wiped out bank accounts, violence etc makes me wonder where my AH illness will take him (or better yet where it has taken him and I just have no clue about it). My AH is very high functioning, there has never been physical abuse, just lots of arguments, a distant dysfunctional marriage, and some health issues due to his drinking (and of course me feeling like my life is out of control). He will admit and has admitted now for over 8 years that he is an A. He has been to AA, worked a bunch of the steps, in and out of counseling but it appears any length of sobriety or recovery is minimal. I get that this illness is progressive if not controlled, but what is the possibility I will one day have to face REALLY horrible things? Gosh I have been thinking if I can get me healthy and learn to accept and know how to deal with this type of marriage, I might be okay. I know we all don't have the ability to see my future, but with the amount of experience on this board I bet some of you can tell me what the normal process is for someone like my AH.
I am still walking around with my eyes half closed?
Reading the posts this morning is making so scared, so unsure of what is around the corner for me. What some are going through with cheating spouses, wiped out bank accounts, violence etc makes me wonder where my AH illness will take him (or better yet where it has taken him and I just have no clue about it). My AH is very high functioning, there has never been physical abuse, just lots of arguments, a distant dysfunctional marriage, and some health issues due to his drinking (and of course me feeling like my life is out of control). He will admit and has admitted now for over 8 years that he is an A. He has been to AA, worked a bunch of the steps, in and out of counseling but it appears any length of sobriety or recovery is minimal. I get that this illness is progressive if not controlled, but what is the possibility I will one day have to face REALLY horrible things? Gosh I have been thinking if I can get me healthy and learn to accept and know how to deal with this type of marriage, I might be okay. I know we all don't have the ability to see my future, but with the amount of experience on this board I bet some of you can tell me what the normal process is for someone like my AH.
I am still walking around with my eyes half closed?
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
One day at a time.
You don't need to know all the answers, and you don't need to know the future, because right now you have right now, and that is enough for now.
If you spend too much time worrying about the "what ifs" and "what will happen whens" you'll spend all your time worrying and you won't get where you need to go.
Look at where you are at, concentrate on making your situation better, and let the future take care of itself until you get there.
As long as you work on yourself, and look out for yourself, you will have the tools you need when you need them, whatever happens.
On day at a time.
On step at a time.
Just focus on the "next right thing."
That's all you have to do.
You don't need to know all the answers, and you don't need to know the future, because right now you have right now, and that is enough for now.
If you spend too much time worrying about the "what ifs" and "what will happen whens" you'll spend all your time worrying and you won't get where you need to go.
Look at where you are at, concentrate on making your situation better, and let the future take care of itself until you get there.
As long as you work on yourself, and look out for yourself, you will have the tools you need when you need them, whatever happens.
On day at a time.
On step at a time.
Just focus on the "next right thing."
That's all you have to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Welcome.
It took 5 years for me to even realize my A was an A. I am not sure if that was because I had no prior personal/family experience with alcoholism or not. Another 5 after that during which it got progressively worse,(fast, it happens fast once it starts) until I got out. The only silver lining that I can see is that you don't have to go through it. You really don't. You can get out whenever you want to. It's not easy, but you can. The fact that you have found us says a lot, I think. I hope you keep reading and posting. This site saved my life, I am sure of it. Have you ever gone to Al-anon? Another great place to be......especially if you are considering staying with your A. They keep the focus on YOU.
M
It took 5 years for me to even realize my A was an A. I am not sure if that was because I had no prior personal/family experience with alcoholism or not. Another 5 after that during which it got progressively worse,(fast, it happens fast once it starts) until I got out. The only silver lining that I can see is that you don't have to go through it. You really don't. You can get out whenever you want to. It's not easy, but you can. The fact that you have found us says a lot, I think. I hope you keep reading and posting. This site saved my life, I am sure of it. Have you ever gone to Al-anon? Another great place to be......especially if you are considering staying with your A. They keep the focus on YOU.
M
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Desert Southwest
Posts: 192
My own experience is this: I almost left my AH 15 years ago before I retired. He got me with crocodile tears and my strong views of commitment and keeping promises. I regret my decision.
My Ah is not physically abusive. He doesn't throw money away. He's not a controlling person. In fact he's probably more co-dependent than I am. But he is a drunk and when he's drinking he can be truly obnoxious if not verbally abusive if he goes over about 8 beers.
He now shows some physical signs of alcoholism. He's lost much of his capacity to work and to concentrate. He's clearly a loner. In the last year I've noticed delusional thinking. It's as if he's got to have an issue so he has something to drink about. Fortunately, he can get himself all worked up over politics, or the latest article he read in Scientific American as well as whatever issue he has with me.
But, he's backed way off bringing those up. He's aware that I'm learning all I can about alcoholism. He senses that I've taken charge of my life and don't share much with him the way I used to.
He doesn't know I have a cash stash, copies of our important papers, and blank divorce forms in a safe place should I decide to use them.
I don't want to loose my home, my garden and my life here in this beautiful area of the desert Southwest.
But, I'm not stupid. Alcoholism is progressive. It's not gonna get better. It may not get better if he stops drinking.
So, make a plan for yourself. You don't have to decide anything right this minute. I believe that any woman who lives with an alcoholic should build a safety net for herself and keep her mouth shut about it.
My Ah is not physically abusive. He doesn't throw money away. He's not a controlling person. In fact he's probably more co-dependent than I am. But he is a drunk and when he's drinking he can be truly obnoxious if not verbally abusive if he goes over about 8 beers.
He now shows some physical signs of alcoholism. He's lost much of his capacity to work and to concentrate. He's clearly a loner. In the last year I've noticed delusional thinking. It's as if he's got to have an issue so he has something to drink about. Fortunately, he can get himself all worked up over politics, or the latest article he read in Scientific American as well as whatever issue he has with me.
But, he's backed way off bringing those up. He's aware that I'm learning all I can about alcoholism. He senses that I've taken charge of my life and don't share much with him the way I used to.
He doesn't know I have a cash stash, copies of our important papers, and blank divorce forms in a safe place should I decide to use them.
I don't want to loose my home, my garden and my life here in this beautiful area of the desert Southwest.
But, I'm not stupid. Alcoholism is progressive. It's not gonna get better. It may not get better if he stops drinking.
So, make a plan for yourself. You don't have to decide anything right this minute. I believe that any woman who lives with an alcoholic should build a safety net for herself and keep her mouth shut about it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Your eyes are opening.
The light might seem too bright.
All you have to do is let your awareness grow until you can be strong and act from your needs and not his, not in reaction to him, not in revenge.
All you have to do is keep posting, look at life, what you want, etc.
It's not all going to crash in one day.
Keep posting. This forum is at least as helpful as alanon, if not more.
Be patient with yourself
The light might seem too bright.
All you have to do is let your awareness grow until you can be strong and act from your needs and not his, not in reaction to him, not in revenge.
All you have to do is keep posting, look at life, what you want, etc.
It's not all going to crash in one day.
Keep posting. This forum is at least as helpful as alanon, if not more.
Be patient with yourself
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
welcome. I can only share my experience, you have to make your own path.
I've been with my wife for over 20 years. I wish I would have left at the first indicators. Now, I'm in so deep, it is harder to leave. She is finally, after 20 years of living with what you describe, throttling back and attempting recovery. It's no fun either. and she is only attempting because I gave her no more choices. I really think had I taken the drastic action 10 or 15 years ago, I would have recieved the improvement then. They really mess with your head, don't they?
In the blink of an eye, the next 20 years will go by. tough choices ahead for you. Staying is easier for now. Cost more in the long run, both financially and emotionally. Leaving now cost more now, both financially and emotionally. however, the score card is vastly different in 20 years.
I've been with my wife for over 20 years. I wish I would have left at the first indicators. Now, I'm in so deep, it is harder to leave. She is finally, after 20 years of living with what you describe, throttling back and attempting recovery. It's no fun either. and she is only attempting because I gave her no more choices. I really think had I taken the drastic action 10 or 15 years ago, I would have recieved the improvement then. They really mess with your head, don't they?
In the blink of an eye, the next 20 years will go by. tough choices ahead for you. Staying is easier for now. Cost more in the long run, both financially and emotionally. Leaving now cost more now, both financially and emotionally. however, the score card is vastly different in 20 years.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome Glad to meet you
Good advise all the way around. First I would remind you that you don't have to make any decisions about your marriage today. Many people live in relationships with alcoholics and find senerity (for the most part) however I don't know of many people that can do this alone, I too suggest you start attending Alanon and start to build your support group. They can help you find peace if you are living with an alcoholic or not.
I also agree with the back up plan, it never hurts to be independent and prepared when you are in a unreliable relationship but there is no need to panic.... just be prepared.
Glad you found us and I look forward to getting to know you better.
Good advise all the way around. First I would remind you that you don't have to make any decisions about your marriage today. Many people live in relationships with alcoholics and find senerity (for the most part) however I don't know of many people that can do this alone, I too suggest you start attending Alanon and start to build your support group. They can help you find peace if you are living with an alcoholic or not.
I also agree with the back up plan, it never hurts to be independent and prepared when you are in a unreliable relationship but there is no need to panic.... just be prepared.
Glad you found us and I look forward to getting to know you better.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi!
What I saw was
everything you listed to be scared of...
isn't happening?
It's not right here. Right now.
We do a number on ourselves when we run off into the future.
So unless someone is banging down your door right this minute
the fear ... is from an imaginary source.
But what I also see is awareness.
And that can be scary too
it's like learning to seat a bigger horse.
But awareness will bring its own new things.
For example
the best way to prevent fear
is to become educated.
Fear is almost always from the unknown.
Making the unknown ... known...
removes the fear.
And usually starts some kind of plan or solution.
What I saw was
everything you listed to be scared of...
isn't happening?
It's not right here. Right now.
We do a number on ourselves when we run off into the future.
So unless someone is banging down your door right this minute
the fear ... is from an imaginary source.
But what I also see is awareness.
And that can be scary too
it's like learning to seat a bigger horse.
But awareness will bring its own new things.
For example
the best way to prevent fear
is to become educated.
Fear is almost always from the unknown.
Making the unknown ... known...
removes the fear.
And usually starts some kind of plan or solution.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Thanks to all. I guess I should have stated that we have been married for 21 years (so I too am in deep). We have 3 kids ranging in age from 7-17. If you looked around and didn't know what was going on behind closed doors you might think I have a perfect life. I have been lucky enough to be able to stay at home with my kids, but I did have a career once and do hold a college degree. I feel like I could be at a fork in the road and I want to try to make the best decisions I can. That is why I am looking at the future, not simply taking one day at a time (which I am doing that too). I could seek out employment and totally disrupt my kids lives. I could start getting my life in order to get out of this marriage. Right now the stress of doing all of that seems greater than the stress of staying in the marriage. So I am learning how to cope, trying to get me healthy (I started Alanon and also have been going to counseling) and find peace and happiness. However when I read what others are going through on this site it really makes me wonder if I am making the best decision. Part of me wants to bolt and say screw this! BUT I know I have more than just me to think about. Getting me out of this does not get my kids out of it. They will always have an A for a father. Me leaving him will only create chaos in their lives.
I also know that I don't have to determine anything at this point. In fact I know I will not. I will continue to seek clarity, educate myself, get healthy and perhaps sometime shortly I will understand what is best.
Would love to have more of all of your insight, especially those who have had an A in their lives much like mine.
and I love him, I just hate what he is doing to himself and to our family.
I also know that I don't have to determine anything at this point. In fact I know I will not. I will continue to seek clarity, educate myself, get healthy and perhaps sometime shortly I will understand what is best.
Would love to have more of all of your insight, especially those who have had an A in their lives much like mine.
and I love him, I just hate what he is doing to himself and to our family.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Alone
I do not have experience marrying an A (just went out with some guy in early alcoholic stages) but wanted to tell you you are SO NOT Alone. You got yourself first and foremost, and also HP/God/nature or whatever you may believe in, and us in SR and real friends&family that love you and want you to be HAPPY. Not just "hanging in there" or "surviving". Happy. What a concept!!
As you progress in your recovery answers and clarity will come to you... as the philosopher Osho said, "weed grows naturally". It is an organic process. Or at least it has been for me.
"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty has helped me a lot. Hope you can get a copy. And yes.. we are an amazing group!!
I do not have experience marrying an A (just went out with some guy in early alcoholic stages) but wanted to tell you you are SO NOT Alone. You got yourself first and foremost, and also HP/God/nature or whatever you may believe in, and us in SR and real friends&family that love you and want you to be HAPPY. Not just "hanging in there" or "surviving". Happy. What a concept!!
As you progress in your recovery answers and clarity will come to you... as the philosopher Osho said, "weed grows naturally". It is an organic process. Or at least it has been for me.
"Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty has helped me a lot. Hope you can get a copy. And yes.. we are an amazing group!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 447
Count me in...14 yrs this August of marriage and 5 yrs prior "dating" and living together off and on.
so I'm in almost 20 yrs.
Look I have nothing positive to say here. My AH is in recovery...meaning he acts the same way he did w/out me having to clean up p#%% off my kitchen floor, or hustle my boys out the door to my parents when I could see things were going south fast.
Mine still says I should be happy that he never hit me or cheated on me....um okay?
Being treated like crap for nearly 20 yrs I used to believe everything would be okay if only he would quit drinking everything would be fine.
Well not so much.
He's still quacking. I hear about how I'm not a good person, I'm mean, I'm controlling....whatever. He told me a month ago that he didn't think he loved me anymore and was planning on leaving me when I graduate.
I'm still a bit hurt but am more irritated at this point. I'm sooooo tired of the manipulation and craziness. Lately he's been talking about staying..and he wants to buy new furniture. Apparently I'm not the ONLY reason he doesn't like being home...he thinks new furniture will help him WANT to be here.... what a nutball!
I'm going to Alnon to help me cope and being that I've dealt w/ this twice before (both when he was drinking)....
I think I've decided that regardless to how HE feels or what HE wants...I've decided that I don't want this.
He's a crappy husband and father. That's just a fact.
I don't want to waste another 20 yrs in misery.
I can't decide for you what YOU can live with though.
Even my mom who went through the exact same thing tells me that I have to make my own decisions and she'll back me up either way.
I think for ME...being married to a guy that would treat me so badly, over and over and show no remorse, even blaming ME (if you were nicer..., if you would...blah blah blah)for his feelings or lack thereof...well I don't think so.
I FEEL I've wasted enough of my time trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved and decided it's not my job.
I'm planning my escape in August. I really don't want someone who can't honestly say they love me...no matter how I feel about them, and right now, well I really can't say I'm liking him much no less love him.
so I'm in almost 20 yrs.
Look I have nothing positive to say here. My AH is in recovery...meaning he acts the same way he did w/out me having to clean up p#%% off my kitchen floor, or hustle my boys out the door to my parents when I could see things were going south fast.
Mine still says I should be happy that he never hit me or cheated on me....um okay?
Being treated like crap for nearly 20 yrs I used to believe everything would be okay if only he would quit drinking everything would be fine.
Well not so much.
He's still quacking. I hear about how I'm not a good person, I'm mean, I'm controlling....whatever. He told me a month ago that he didn't think he loved me anymore and was planning on leaving me when I graduate.
I'm still a bit hurt but am more irritated at this point. I'm sooooo tired of the manipulation and craziness. Lately he's been talking about staying..and he wants to buy new furniture. Apparently I'm not the ONLY reason he doesn't like being home...he thinks new furniture will help him WANT to be here.... what a nutball!
I'm going to Alnon to help me cope and being that I've dealt w/ this twice before (both when he was drinking)....
I think I've decided that regardless to how HE feels or what HE wants...I've decided that I don't want this.
He's a crappy husband and father. That's just a fact.
I don't want to waste another 20 yrs in misery.
I can't decide for you what YOU can live with though.
Even my mom who went through the exact same thing tells me that I have to make my own decisions and she'll back me up either way.
I think for ME...being married to a guy that would treat me so badly, over and over and show no remorse, even blaming ME (if you were nicer..., if you would...blah blah blah)for his feelings or lack thereof...well I don't think so.
I FEEL I've wasted enough of my time trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved and decided it's not my job.
I'm planning my escape in August. I really don't want someone who can't honestly say they love me...no matter how I feel about them, and right now, well I really can't say I'm liking him much no less love him.
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