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How to handle intimacy or lack thereof?

Old 02-20-2011, 07:59 AM
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How to handle intimacy or lack thereof?

As much as I love my ADP, I don't have that warm, romantic feeling after being called every name in the book. We have always been in sync in the bedroom and made it a point to have Sunday mornings as our together time. Of course, when you have as much animosity as I have it's hard to put that aside when it comes to intimacy. He really doesn't 'get' that women need more than a weekly roll to feel loved and cherished and when you are verbally and emotionally abused on a regular basis...sex goes out the window.
It's become practically non-existent at this point, and the last time was a few weeks ago and it was great, but within 1/2 hours he went from telling me how much he loves me and if he had to chose between the vodka or me, I would win hands down (in tears, yet) to calling me the usual names in his nasty repertoire. Seriously, within 30 minutes. I had jumped in the shower and he jumped in his bottle and he wonders why I lost that lovin' feeling.
There is no point trying to make him understand, he just turns it back on me. If he called me names, I must have 'done something' to cause it.
I miss him and our happy Sunday mornings. Can you just compartmentalize those bad feelings and hop in the sack like everything is peachy?
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:25 AM
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I know *I* couldn't.
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Old 02-20-2011, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by DonnaJL View Post
Can you just compartmentalize those bad feelings and hop in the sack like everything is peachy?
Yep. I can. All men can. On off switch. No warm up required.

Tough situation for you though. Sounds like he is a standard, out of control alcoholic living a delusion. Don't expect much different from him. They don't change.
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:05 AM
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I hear ya, resentment is the best sex killer. Towards the end with my ex, I could barely kiss him because I knew he was lying and cheating.
The last time we had sex, I knew he was thinking about the married pig he was cheating with and not me, so that pretty much turned me off to him sexually for a lifetime
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Old 02-20-2011, 09:36 AM
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That's a rough question. My honest answer is that yes, I compartmentalized, but not because I wanted to have sex, but because letting him use my body to masturbate in was easier than taking the consequences of saying no.

There was no "making love" involved. I was letting him take care of a physical need, sort of like taking a $h*t. I wouldn't recommend that strategy to anyone. It made me hate myself and hate my own body. Despise myself. It's one of the biggies to deal with now that I'm out, that I allowed that.

I also think that there's absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling like being intimate/having sex with a person who is abusive. On the contrary, that's sane and healthy. You wouldn't want to have sex with an a&& who accosted you on the street and called you those names, why would you with someone just because they're defined as your boyfriend/husband?

I recommend against compartmentalizing. I think your instincts are telling you you really don't want to have sex with this guy. And for very good reasons. Compartmentalizing just means overruling your own self-preservation instincts.
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Old 02-20-2011, 11:10 AM
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I can not compartmentalize but I did not hold my boundaries either. So much confusion. Like Lillamy said, there is a lot of damage that comes from that. Hate is a strong word but I hated him at those times and I hated myself even more. I'm actually a little nauseous right now just typing out this post and it has been well over a year since we've been apart.
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:10 PM
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I miss that part too but I think it is unhealthy to continue. It also sends mixed signals. My solution, get a new BOB! Ready and available a at any time and no name calliing for you afterwards. 30 mintues afterwards comes namecalling JEEZ... He is a peice of work. You deserve so much better.
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Old 02-20-2011, 12:51 PM
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Not me. I just don't have the stomach for sex with someone who insults and embarrasses me.
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Old 02-20-2011, 01:51 PM
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No way.
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Old 02-20-2011, 02:06 PM
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Why would you want to?

He doesn't sound as if he respects you (or women, in general) very much. I'm not sure I'd be able to live with someone who felt that way about me.

I hope you are getting some RL support because this scenario can get very lonely.
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Old 02-20-2011, 02:15 PM
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Why would anyone want to be intimate with someone who berates, belittles and bad-mouths them? Being intimate is a vulnerability which is only worth giving to someone who protects it.

Tx
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Old 02-20-2011, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
No way.
Ditto.

YouTube - Deana Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For This?

Still can't post links - but copy and paste in your browser...
Deanna Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For This?
:rotfxko

~T
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Old 02-20-2011, 02:30 PM
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Oh hey I can post links now - COOL!
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Old 02-20-2011, 05:05 PM
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If we've had a reasonably peaceful week and Sunday rolls around, and he's not sh#tfaced, then it can be a very satisfying experience but with all the hostility, it's rare that there isn't some kind of huge fight on Saturday, all day and evening, so Sunday mornings I am not in a cuddly mood. Sometimes I think he starts up with me just to see how far he can push me. I can see no other reason for getting on my case for no reason and he just doesn't comprehend the 'cause and effect' that happens.
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Old 02-20-2011, 05:41 PM
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Hi Donna

I have become more sensitive about who I interact with at all levels. I am not an object to be used and discarded at whim. I used to be one and feel like one. After a recent invitation to spend a time in a hotel, I realized I have spent too many years feeling badly about myself and I am done. It felt good to say "No". Bob is a good idea!!

Can you call a DV line for tips/counseling? are you open to the idea of therapy? who is your RL support?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hemselves.html
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:17 PM
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I did the "compartmentalizing thing" for a long time....and stopped three years ago. Now I realize that back then I was so starved for his affection and attention, that it got in the way of making a healthier decision for myself. It wasn't the kind of sex I wanted anymore... it had to be in the morning - before he drank so much and it all had to be "his way".... And I did it all - hoping that I would get "my way" again someday. Now, I wish I would have stopped earlier. The emotional connection that other people have with the most intimate of activities, I have trouble with now and am working my way back. Best of luck with your decision. Just wanted you to know, I've been there and I'm sorry about the tough choices you are faced with.
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:46 PM
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I think we have all faced this issue at one time or another.

To me, there's sex and making love.

I've had sex (because saying no someone who was drunk and angry involved an all night session of being wakened up and accused of being frigid and not loving him) which I endured. I thought of anything else at the time just to get through it.

I've also made love and that's a whole different ballgame, involving feelings, respect, tenderness, the way it should be.

Today, while the making love part is there, I still flash back to the drunken stuff and some days still have trouble sorting it out.

Now, when I don't feel in the mood, I say so and don't feel the guilt of saying no like before.

It's all pretty confusing to me and with the help of threads like this, knowing I'm not alone in my confusion, makes it easier to deal with.
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Old 02-20-2011, 10:59 PM
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I remember being in a women's group where a woman said, "I just decided I was never going to have sex again if I didn't want to."

IT HIT ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.

I could say that??!?

WOOHOO!

I went straight home to my bf and said I was done and I didn't know if I would EVER want to have sex again!

I did, eventually. He was wonderful. I worked through a lot of stuff with him and eventually realized I didn't want to have sex WITH HIM.

I found a new bf and had lots of fun (but that was after I developed the skill to know when I was feelin' it, so to speak, and when I wasn't).

No is SO freeing!
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Old 02-21-2011, 09:30 AM
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What intimacy? Distinct lack thereof, I think it's been since August(maybe July) I just won't, even when there was anything going on, I felt like a robot. It was just the act, nothing else.

He does bring it up sometimes when he's ranting, and he looks at porn(which he blames me for..uh huh)
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Old 02-21-2011, 10:02 AM
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I can compartmentalize my feelings but no, I don't just jump in the sack.

When trust and respect have been destroyed, the last thing I'm interested in is sex/intimacy.
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