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my boundary

Old 02-20-2011, 01:31 PM
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Talking my boundary

Brief recap:

I left my AAH on Jan 15, 2011. I spent about 2 weeks with very little contact. He eventually sweet talked me into spending time with him on the notion of "how can I know he has changed if I do not spend time with him?"

I was very clear to him that I was not coming back now; that I would spend time with him and if issues came up, we could address them together; if he chose not to address them I would leave.

If after 6 months, I saw change in our relationship (him really) then I would come back. If not, I will move forward with a divorce.


Well, as I so fully anticipated, the ugly side of AAH reared his dragon-sized viscious head.

We have a joint bank account that has to be dealt with in the next week or it could be trouble.

So, for the record, I am going no contact for 6 weeks except minimal discussion to get this particular account closed and out of my hair.

April 3rd is my goal. Then we shall see how I feel and whether I enjoy it so much I don't want to even continue giving him opportunity for change.

I was okay leaving today, so I think it won't be so devastating this time around maintaining nc.

This is how I feel today! Let's see in a few days if I am still this strong!!!

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Old 02-20-2011, 01:39 PM
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I spent about 2 weeks with very little contact. He eventually sweet talked me into spending time with him on the notion of "how can I know he has changed if I do not spend time with him?"
I wish I had a nickel for every time I fell for this same line. After 3 years of this BS (we weren't married) I finally realized that what my best friend kept telling me over and over was true: People RARELY change. Not the kind of BIG change I needed him to make, anyway.

I would have saved myself a LOT of stress and heartache if I had cut and run at the very first sign of trouble. It was a HUGE sign with flashing lights and neon lettering that popped up at 4 WEEKS but I ignored it!!!!! WTF?? Oh yes, and I ignored the 4,235 other signs over the next 3 years.

BUT -- I won't do that ever again. Not a chance.
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Old 02-20-2011, 02:28 PM
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stay strong....YOU can do it!! keep it simple
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Old 02-21-2011, 01:13 PM
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It is day 2. Maintained nc today with no crippling moments. Felt a little depressed during the day. Started working on "Codependency no more" book to begin the process of fixin me!

Did some feng shui reading and rearranging just as a distraction and fun thing. Can use all the help I can get.

Did a little praying, small amount of pitying myself, and am coping pretty well, me thinks.......

Overall, it has been a good day.....

Let's see how I do later and tomorrow!
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Old 02-21-2011, 01:24 PM
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Doing good. Keep up the good work!
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Old 02-21-2011, 01:56 PM
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Girl.. you are inspirational!
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Old 02-21-2011, 02:00 PM
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Passionfruit,

You sound really good today. Certainly honest about what you are feeling.
It is a good day.

Did some feng shui reading and rearranging just as a distraction and fun thing. Can use all the help I can get.
I tried this, but my perfectionism got in the way. I wanted true north! Gotta get a compass, find it, then have the perfect feng shui. Geez.


Beth
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Old 02-21-2011, 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
...Did some feng shui reading and rearranging just as a distraction and fun thing. Can use all the help I can get.
Keep up the good work.
You're doing alot of good for me today with your threads. Thank you.

Why put plants on the north side of the house? Low light plants? I just don't get it. :0
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Old 02-23-2011, 04:30 AM
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day 4

I struggled yesterday in the am not to cave.

I felt panic. Fear of abandonment, I am beginning to think. I intend to get a book on that too! lol

I ran to my first alanon meeting. I eventually felt calm after dealing with other "errands" while I was out.

In the evening, I watched a movie about a man so in love with a woman, he isolated himself for 40 years last night.

All night long I considered calling him to ask, "How could you do this to us? How dare you destroy this that we had. We could have been great together."

Apparently, I need to tell myself a few things:

"Self. "This that we had" was a fantasy you formed in your mind. It wasn't ever great from the get go. It was an extreme desire to have a wonderful marriage and you, self, were going to make that happen at all costs, including losing you. Guess what? You did lose you. It is okay to fail. I give you permission. It is okay you made a mistake. It is okay you chose a man who is not good for you. But now, self, it is time to let go of him, and find you again. It is time to move on. Let go of your fear of being told, "I told you so." They did tell you so. Many, many told you what a mistake you were making. In your stubbornness, even then, You chose to make that mistake. Admit it and move on. Get over your pride. Eat your crow and simply go."



Folks, I made a mistake marrying that man. I clearly made a mistake. Noone's fault but my own. I chose to give up my life to hop in to a pretend life of impossible expectations. I chose to make changes in my life through reacting to feelings I did not like and tried to avoid, rather than make changes based on real well-thought-out choices, using time and good judgement.


Thanks for listening!

I think I may have just confirmed my AH's assertion that I am CRAZY, but I needed to hear somethings nobody could have known to tell me but me! Oops!:rotfxko

Just taking care of myself now, cause guess what? NOBODY ELSE IS!
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Old 02-23-2011, 05:34 AM
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You are absolutely doing this thing, Passionfruit!! You are ROCKIN'!!!

GO PASSIONFRUIT, GO!!
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