Blogs


Notices

How to handle intimacy or lack thereof?

Old 02-21-2011, 12:25 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 58
The thing is, since we kind of scheduled it for Sunday mornings for years now because there just wasn't any other good time, it was something I did look forward to. Even the last time, it was just kind of spontaneous as we'd been fighting (big news there) but started cuddling and next thing you know...I was glad it had happened that way, but was just crushed and totally demoralized when he turned on me so quickly. He either has no memory of stuff when he's under the influence or he's lying about not remembering. Either way it is maddening. I'd like to have a dollar for every time he will start a fight and then within an hour, ask me what we were fighting about. If I refuse to play that game, he accuses me of not remembering (because I find it degrading to have to repeat the nasty things he had said back to him). Being called names and accused of all kinds of stuff is bad enough when it's happening, but to have to recount it again is just too much. I have to get a lot better at detaching.
DonnaJL is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 12:33 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Shellcrusher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Those nice schedules we used to have with our partners aren't so fun anymore, aren't they? I feel your pain on it. Hell, my AW only tries when she's drinking. Over the years, I've tried to initiate intimacy during sober times and she always gave me some BS quack talk about how I made her mad, or something...

Sex is a pretty strong driver. Getting some detachment in place with it sure helps keep you in the drivers seat.
Shellcrusher is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 07:43 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,523
If I had had the courage to stand my ground and only have sex when I wanted to, either my marriage would have died years earlier or I would have.
lillamy is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 07:50 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
When our relationship got to the point that I didn't want to have sex because I was not going to fake it, I told him we would have to live like brother and sister. I thought that would keep the peace...it worked for a time.
24Years is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 09:50 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Upland, CA
Posts: 2
Yea.... it would be much easier if they would "get worse" in an even, downward spiral....unfortunately, it's a confusing and frustrating path.
RecoveringSlow is offline  
Old 02-21-2011, 10:18 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 9
I'm not in a relationship...OR maybe I should say I'm in a not-relationship, because he keeps insisting that we're not in a relationship. He's been sober for over 3 years, way before I met him, and he's a wonderful person, and I was very attracted to him the first time I laid eyes on him. I do have strong feelings for him, but I don't care much about labels, so if we could just relax and let this be whatever it is, I'd be fine with that.
But no, of course we can't do that. He keeps treating sexuality like another addiction, fighting it, then giving in, then feeling guilty and apologizing to me, saying he's dragging me through his issues, and that he should just be celibate and concentrate on himself until he's worked it all out. That lasts about a week, then he texts me wanting me to come over, I'll ask if this is just going to make him feel guilty again, we'll go round in circles until I give in, then the whole thing repeats itself. I feel like my choices are rejecting him or enabling him, and I'm not happy with that.

This has been going on for 6 months. I've had lots of people say to just give up on him, he's just using me, I should be trying to find some guy who will want to be in a relationship with me- and I always add "that I could manage to settle for".
I don't want to be in a relationship with some guy. I want to break the pattern in this relationship and get to a point we're both comfy with.
Illumination is offline  
Old 02-22-2011, 06:14 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Curled up in a good book...
 
bookwyrm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
If I had had the courage to stand my ground and only have sex when I wanted to, either my marriage would have died years earlier or I would have.


I really relate to this...
bookwyrm is offline  
Old 02-22-2011, 08:15 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 58
Illumination, this sounds so very similar to a relationship that a dear friend just ended because of the same reasons. He xab had been sober for quite some time, but had this arbitrary 'date' in his head of time that needed to pass before they could take their relationship to a sexual level. They would fool around and do everything but actual intercourse, but then he would pull away and put that wall back up and go back to the 'it's too soon' mantra. He wouldn't even acknowledge to his friends or family that he was in a relationship with her.
After 6 months of push/pull and eventually caustic dry drunk behavior on his part, she ended it and found someone who can give of himself freely. She is now very happy. It tore her up to break it off, because she cared for this man deeply, but after going to Al Anon meetings, she saw that this was a behavior that was inherent in this man.

For me, I love this guy both emotionally and physically when he is sober. After 20 years I still find him hot and that's saying a lot. However, when he is being a A-pr1ck, I want to bash his head in with the nearest heavy object.
Yesterday we had a good snowfall...I shoveled the steps and walk, cleaned off both cars and moved mine so the plow could come. When I came inside, I explained that I didn't move his car because moving mine was difficult because of the ice under the snow and I didn't want to be responsible for taking a chance with his car. He went OFF on me mercilessly because I didn't move his car too. This is just typical of his rants, yelling and berating me for nothing. When he sobered up, he said 'you seem to be mad at me, why?' as if he had no cognitive recollection of the stuff he said. Typical of a day in my life.
DonnaJL is offline  
Old 02-22-2011, 08:20 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Why do you want to live like that?
JACKRUSSELLGIRL is offline  
Old 02-22-2011, 01:35 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 58
I just learned that I don't qualify for the senior housing without a co-signer. OMG I haven't needed a co-signer since my Dad co-signed for my first car loan. That's really demoralizing.
You've come a long way baby! lol. Laughing so I don't cry.
DonnaJL is offline  
Old 02-22-2011, 05:22 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 606
Donna, do whatever you have to, get yourself some distance and peace. You deserve so much better.

When you get a taste of the serenity that awaits you away from an active alcoholic, there is no price too high. Ask for the help you need, and give yourself a chance to see what life can be like away from him. When I left my abf, in the back of my mind, I knew I could always go back, that he would take me back...What I have gained in living alone and taking care of myself is priceless. Now that I see that, I will never live that way again.
seekingcalm is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to seekingcalm For This Useful Post:
RecoveringSlow (02-25-2011), wicked (02-22-2011)
Old 02-22-2011, 08:06 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I use to dress up the bottles in doll clothes, put them on his pillow, tuck them in and come back into the kitchen where he was sitting and tell him it was bed time...His wife is waiting for him and she wants you "REAL" bad...

Hey,, I can QUACK TOO!!!! lol
BobbyJ is offline  
Old 02-23-2011, 01:29 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Originally Posted by DonnaJL View Post
I just learned that I don't qualify for the senior housing without a co-signer. OMG I haven't needed a co-signer since my Dad co-signed for my first car loan. That's really demoralizing.
You've come a long way baby! lol. Laughing so I don't cry.

Can that be right? I would look into that....seems a bit discriminatory against singles. Do you have a relative or friend who could co-sign? Doesn't mean you have to stay with him. I've learnt that peace of mind and just plain old peace are sooooo important. Couldn't put a price on them!
Tally is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:48 PM.