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Old 11-09-2003, 01:14 AM
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why

Ok, trust me guys the only reason I am up at this ungodly hour is the mere fact I am working the graveyard shift for my night auditor...he needed the night off. So here I sit dilerious hoping you all can give me some insight.

My guy I have been dating for a few months now is not orignally from here, he is from michigan. Well, he moved here trying to start over and he currently lives with his father supposedly until he gets on his feet...he has a deposit on his own place right now. Anyways, tonight he calls me before I am suppose to go to work, he tells me he needs to see me to talk, I stop by there on my way, hes talking and explains to me that he and his father had gotten into it pretty badly, and the dads girlfriend apparently drinks and uses. After he told me that it sent another red flag to me, was my intuition correct when I caught him in my purse? Since it is there in the home could he be using? I dont know, but anyway....so later after I get to work he is talking to me about how he cannot be there and he is wanting me to consider getting a bigger apartment so that we could live together.....

He then told me how homesick he was and the only thing keeping him here was me and his uncle, who he is very close too.

I didnt comment either way on his remarks about living together, I was more or less listening....

I am not ready for this at all, I have become too independant and I prefer that the only way I ever live with someone again is if I am married to them.

It makes me feel bad though, (my co dependant thoughts) that if I dont let him move in he would leave to go back to michigan because of him being unhappy. I dont know why he wont do what he has to do or stick it out until he can get his own place...

This crushes me somewhat because I have developed feelings for him...I want to be honest with him though, but I feel like I have been put between a rock and a hard place. Some of it sounds like its being done on purpose...to make me feel bad, but part of me knows I would not be happy living with someone right now.

I hate my judgment sometmes, I mean I am glad I have it...but I feel like I really dont know which way to go.


Any thoughts?

Hope you all are well, I have been working like a wild woman lately but always keep you guys with me...
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Old 11-09-2003, 03:31 AM
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Hi Bonbon,

Glad to see you!!

I personally think you need honesty in every relationship. If you've only been seeing him for a few months, it would be way to early to be moving in with a person. I know all people are different. You need to do what is going to make YOU happy. It sounds like living with him wouldn't make you happy.

Perhaps you should sit down and have a long talk with him and tell him just how you feel.

I hope things work out for the best.

Hugs,
Debbie
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Old 11-09-2003, 05:26 AM
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Hi Bonbon!

Your intuition is screaming! In the past far too often you didn't listen and you have come so far. You ARE listening. And you are right.

Let's go back to the basics...his problems are not your problems. Also it so so much more heartwrenching to make them move out than to not let them in at all.

Did you ever talk about the purse??

Hugs,
JT
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Old 11-09-2003, 06:58 AM
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BonBon

I once let a significant other move in with me because his living situation wasn't working for him. This was NOT the right reason for the two of us to start living together. It was not a choice that we both consciously made and wanted. It was just an alleviation to his discomfort at where he was living. Needless to say, it didn't work out.
What he is telling you sounds like blackmail to me. "Let me move in with you, or I am going back to Michigan". There are definately some red flags here, pay attention to them.
Hugs to you.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 11-09-2003, 08:16 AM
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I tend to agree. He seems to want to work on your guilt to get what he wants.

What's important is what YOU want. If you don't want someone moving in, then tell him so.
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Old 11-09-2003, 10:07 AM
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Yes! What they said. Especially what Gabe said. Blackmail! Blackmail! Blackmail!

You worded your reasons so beautifully. Told just like that to someone who cares about you there should be nothing but acceptance. If you're honest with him and he goes all pouty boots on you, his motivation is showing.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 11-09-2003, 12:29 PM
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plum beautiful, thank you all for your insight...I need to go back to the basics....His problems are not my problems...I can let go of that. If he really wanted to stay here he would make things work for hiself...ie putting the effort in getting a place of his own if things were so bad for himself. To be honest it is somewhat of a turnoff for him to have even asked.
What I am going to do is talk to him about it tonight, he is coming over for dinner and I am going to tell him I am not ready to have anyone living with me...and leave it at that.

I was telling my best girlfriend this morning, the one thing that is so satisfying is the fact that I am in control, I am independant whereas at one point in my life those thoughts would have scared me. It feels really good...and I am not afraid to be stung a little bit, I can be ok. Back to the basics is right....cant cure it, cannot control it, didnt cause it. And darn sure dont want to fix anything.

Love you all!!
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Old 11-10-2003, 06:36 AM
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Bonbon, I just wanted to say Hi! You sound like you are doing so well! Take good care.
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Old 11-10-2003, 09:43 AM
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definatly do not move in with him, or let him move in with you. if he is already going through your purse...i guess you meant he is taking money without asking...bad sign...my guy used to take my atm card when i was sleeping and go make huge problems in my bank account. you haven't been seeing this guy for that long. my advise. get out while you can. i know this sounds harsh, but i could share my story and probably scare the hell out of everyone here.
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Old 11-10-2003, 10:38 AM
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My best friend made me start looking at what men give to me instead of just what I can give to them. She was right, I was always focused on what I had to give and what they needed.

Now I use a phrase she made me answer over and over...

"What do you bring to the table?"

It reminds me it is not supposed to be all about what I can do for or give to another. It was a real eye opener to realize this about myself.
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Old 11-10-2003, 10:39 AM
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Follow your "gut" reaction. Be true to you.

spedteach Thanks for sharing. Sending you angel wings for flying freedom's journey - independently.
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Old 11-10-2003, 11:15 AM
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Hi ((((((((Bonbon)))))))))))

When anyone begins to talk of moving in, within the first few months..........Red Flags should be waving a mile a minute.

When you catch someone in your purse.....RUN LIKE HELL!!! lol



I dont know why he wont do what he has to do or stick it out until he can get his own place...
Because he doesn't want to do what he has to do....... he wants to use YOU to do that for him.

Sound to me as if this man is a master manipulator with his blackmail style, and you found him in your PURSE? He sounds to be a thief as well.

Bonbon..... this relationship is 2 months old, and you have several RED FLAGS. Trust your own gut its SCREAMING at you to GET OUT.

Take care of you Bonbon, and do not allow anyone to blackmail or manipulate.

Love
Patsy
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Old 11-12-2003, 02:17 AM
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Correction

bonbon Realized I had put spedteach instead of bonbon!

All I know is that some guys can really "talk" their way into our hearts - and talk is all they do - after awhile the spell wears off and we face reality - face facts - of the emptiness of words - without the "wherewithall" to back them up. Empty words, empty wallets = disrespect for another. If not your wallet, then what next would he take and turn into cash for himself.
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Old 11-12-2003, 04:20 AM
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Bonbon,

I have been reading Choices by M. Beattie and after reading this statement:


I hate my judgment sometmes, I mean I am glad I have it...but I feel like I really dont know which way to go.



it came to me that you do feel like you don't know which way to go, but could it be you don't like the choices you are being offered? You really seem to only have two and neither "fit" what ideally you would want.....or so it seems. I am not trying to tell you what you think...only tell you what I see. Choice 1) turn him down and feel responsible because he isn't ready to be on his own, choice 2) let him move in even with red flags flying and face the possiblity of getting yourself in a sticky situation

Bottom line....the choice you make should be based on YOU and what YOU can live with....not "taking care" of him.

Hang tough...you have the answers.....maybe not what you where looking for, but you DO have them.

(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
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Old 11-12-2003, 08:44 AM
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Sober people don't go into people's purses. Trust your intuition and don't feel "pity." Pity kills the spirit in others to find their own solutions in life.

I posted that on my fridge to remind me that everytime I wanted to "help" someone outta pity that I was really helping them die. That shook me up enough to reconsider my actions. I didn't like the idea that I might be killing someone. *haha

The other action that helps is calling my sponsor.
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Old 11-12-2003, 11:23 AM
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((((((BonBon))))))

I have missed you and the dancing elephants...

You didn't say love in your post and I am glad you didn't...I believe it takes time to really love someone, more than afew months anyway...
You do sound like you do love living the the life you have made for yourself today. You should be very proud of that....just a few thoughts to send your way..

One: Love is an Action word....

Two: I don't want anyone in my life today because they NEED me, NOR do I want anyone in my life today because I NEED them... The perfect relationship to me today is one where I can just "JOY" in that person's presentence(sp).

THREE: Trust is earned.....It is not a given in my life today...

To me it sounds like you don't really trust this man...

RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Love and prayers from one who cares.
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Old 11-12-2003, 05:09 PM
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Hey bonbon,

Just hopping on board to ditto everything that has been said here. And am so happy to feel your confidence. YOU are doing a great job of taking care of YOURSELF.

Gotta trust those instincts. I'm finally listening to mine. Still making mistakes, but at least I really understand the consequences....to ME....if I don't take a step back, and really listen to my inner self.

If you want to read a great book, I would recommend "Safe People" by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

Take care,

S
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Old 11-12-2003, 06:27 PM
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****{Bonbon}}}

Sorry I'm late. You KNOW what you gotta do. I know you well enough for that. Just know that we are all behind you cheering you on as you do it.

Sending Huge Enormous Hugs
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Old 11-12-2003, 06:35 PM
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BonBon I know what you feel

I know what you are saying because I have been there and personally it was not good experience for me. I met my ex-husband at a party. He was drunk when we exchanged numbers but I called him the next day anyway. To make along story short, I knew he had a drinking problem but I felt I needed to help him so we moved in together. I ended up getting pregnant two months after we moved in. We got married 7 months after meeting each other. And it took 2 years for me to leave and a year after that to get divorced. He was drunk on our wedding night and he ended up sleeping in the bathroom. My daughter died a hour after her birth and he left the hospital to go to the bar to drink. He was drunk for three days straight. He was a womanizer and was very verbally abusive. We fought almost everyday. I feel if its suppose to be than it will be. Think it over.


Dads baby girl:
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Old 11-13-2003, 03:46 AM
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HiYa BonBon!

My how far we've all come! You have the answers-just follow them.

Now if it was ME asking to move in...

(big stupid grin smiley)
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