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Feeling annoyed and manipulated ..again.

Old 02-13-2011, 10:05 AM
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Feeling annoyed and manipulated ..again.

Is this normal?

b/g RAH is leaving in August. I know it's for the best. But as someone told me he's an A, getting a reaction from me is part of the MO and when nothing else has this is the last resort.

I'm feeling like he's moved on to even bigger guns now. His hour long AA mtgs have now turned into all evening events. He often calls and checks in, I know he really is hanging w/ his single AA buddies (so the "other woman" aspect isn't even a possibility in my mind). But he knows this is a major annoyance for me. I'm left dealing w/ the kids, trying to study, take care of dinner, the house and everything else on my own because he thinks that he "needs that time for my recovery".

I know he's trying to manipulate me again. He told me that someone cornered him at a mtg and wants us to go to a wkly church marriage seminar. I looked at him and asked
"WHY? I know your sick, I know I'm sick. I know I don't want to ever go through this again...and August is the light at the end of the tunnel for me...so no, I don't want to go."
It's not that I DON'T want to save our marriage. I do. But I know it won't change unless he gets better AND I get better. It may not work out for us ever. I can live with that knowing that I will never again have to put up w/ the crap I put up with now.
I think that ticks him off. I think he wants me to beg and plead w/ him to stay. That my friends, is NOT going to happen.
I do love my husband.
But simply put, he is not good for me.
And that isn't good for my kids either.

He does stuff like, okay. He's going to the grocery store. The whole reason is because I'm studying. So right before he walks out the door he turns up the stereo in the living room and leaves.
Ummm....I can't even hear myself think in here no less study. He KNOWS that.
He isn't even here to listen to it. so why did he do that? Passive agressive much? Wanna interupt my studying? Want to find a way to disrupt my plan to graduate in August...because then he CAN'T leave...and it would be MY fault?

Man, sounds like I'm a parnoid nutball...but being that I've lived w/ this for almost 20 yrs and the only difference in behavior now is that he is not actively drinking...well I know his M.O. well.

so I believe he's still trying to manipulate things.

Last night I had something going on at work. Mandatory. then we were all going out for dinner together. Of course.... I'm doing something I want to do so he calls and says... "why don't we go out to dinner tonight?"
I remind him I have this thing going on...and he asks "but you can skip it can't you?"
REALLY?
When's the last time you gave up anything for ANYONE else?
Not for me, not for the kids. He does what he wants when he wants and doesn't care about how it affects us at all.

Then I get home after. He's still out w/ his mtg buddies. His one hr mtg turned into a 4 hour deal.
I'm glad I didn't give in.
I would have been sitting here alone anyway while he was "working on his recovery", which usually involves playing x360 or drinking coffee w/ his buddies.

manipulating sob is pi#$ing me off!!
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Old 02-13-2011, 10:11 AM
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Yes, it's normal. He figures he has until August to work his way back. It is total and absolute manipulation. Sounds like you're on to it though, so just keep doing what you're doing. When he turns the stereo up and leaves, just get up and turn the stereo back down or off if you want. Don't let him get to you because that's exactly what he's trying to do.
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Old 02-13-2011, 10:17 AM
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But HE'S the one that decided he isn't sure if he's still in love with me and wants to leave. Or is that again one of his ways to get me to let him do whatever he wants while I bust my #$$ between school, work and the kids? I kinda think that may be the case.

He's driving me nutso!
August can't get here quick enough!!!
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Old 02-13-2011, 10:19 AM
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Does it ever get better?
I mean he's in recovery. Isn't he supposed to be acting like a normal person who is not so self centered?
or is this the person I have to deal with forever?
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:35 PM
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In the same boat. Crazy behavior, same s&$;, just not drunk.
Mine says he is leaving b cause of me, then switches and acts like he's being tossed out.
Mine isn't going to meetings, tho... He goes to a bar. To not drink..
Then whenn I want to go out, he freaks out.

Manipulation. They haven't learned a different way to navigate relationships.
It's a long road back.
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Old 02-14-2011, 02:51 AM
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august is six months away. do you really want to live like this until then?

if he wants to leave, can't he just do so now?
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Old 02-14-2011, 05:31 AM
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Good morning ((B))

Yes this seems so typical for many. Mine was often less obnoxious. Sober or not, sometimes ppl don't change so much. I saw with mine that the longer the sobriety the more the change but it still was not where I would want things. So to off one answer to your question - yes you do have to accept him as he is if that helps your decision.

I also agree with others to not let the small stuff annoy you so much =just expect it and deal with it - let go of it. Vent here or in a journal if you need to.

I was concerned that about the length of time before a separation but don't know your situation and if you can or want to handle that one. But also concerned whether or not you understand that once he is gone - it all falls on you. This was a huge wake up call for me years ago - not that I would have changed my mind - just needed to adjust my expectations and change my mindset.

Stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel but don't forget to live for today.
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Old 02-14-2011, 12:06 PM
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*agrees with naieve*

er. for what it's worth.
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Old 02-14-2011, 01:20 PM
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He often calls and checks in, I know he really is hanging w/ his single AA buddies (so the "other woman" aspect isn't even a possibility in my mind). But he knows this is a major annoyance for me.

There is no law that says you have to answer the phone when it rings. Start preparing yourself for serenity without him calling you all the time. Play games with the kids. Cuddle up with the kiddies and a movie. Read a story. Color or paint. To heck with the housework. One of the best things I was ever told was, "No one ever lies on their deathbed and says - gee, I wish I had washed more dishes"

I'm left dealing w/ the kids, trying to study, take care of dinner, the house and everything else on my own because he thinks that he "needs that time for my recovery".

That's what it is gonna be like after you get his sorry butt out the door. If you get good at it now, it won't be a shock in 6 months - to you or the kids.


I know he's trying to manipulate me again.

Yup, and he knows you know. He is just trying to cause as much damage on the way out as possible.

So right before he walks out the door he turns up the stereo in the living room and leaves. Ummm....I can't even hear myself think in here no less study. He KNOWS that. He isn't even here to listen to it. so why did he do that? Passive agressive much?

Unplug it beforehand? I mean, if he is leaving the house so you can study, than unplugging the stereo is a good thing, right?

Man, sounds like I'm a parnoid nutball....

Not so much - at least not here on SR...

so I believe he's still trying to manipulate things.

Oh yeah.

Last night I had something going on at work. Mandatory. then we were all going out for dinner together. Of course.... I'm doing something I want to do so he calls and says... "why don't we go out to dinner tonight?" I remind him I have this thing going on...and he asks "but you can skip it can't you?"
REALLY?


Your time, interests, job, hobbies, etc. are never as compelling as theirs are. EVER. <insert sarcasm here>...

This are the last desperate measures from a person who knows he is on his way out. Ignore them all. Focus on your children, study when you can, keep your serenity, and stay strong. We are rooting for you!
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Old 02-14-2011, 04:44 PM
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He says he's commited to helping me finish school and he's standing by that.
FOR MY BENEFIT.
funny huh?
This is a man who currently treats his home, his children and his wife like we are a hotel he stays in ...he does what he wants, when he wants...but financially. I need him here but at the same time...I really really want him to go now.
I just don't feel the need to put up w/ his selfish crap anymore since he's decided he needs to leave because "I can't find serenity here...if I stay I can't stay sober"
blah blah blah...
August is WAY too far away for me.
I'm thinking about going to my first alnon mtg. tonight, I can get a sitter.
I need it...
bad.
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Old 02-14-2011, 05:17 PM
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You will be ever so glad you went!!!

Purple Squirrel has all the cliff notes on this scene! LOL
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:01 PM
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I did go to my first alnon meeting.
Only cried once...which is shocking because I'm a crier.
I don't know how I feel about it.
I want that peace that the other members have.
But I don't know if putting up w/ constant crap and detaching is enough for me.
I still feel like I want OUT... I don't want to deal w/ the chaos evne if I am responding and not reacting...its just EXHAUSTING.
I think I'll keep going....I did come home w/ a better understanding that I really am not alone.
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Old 02-15-2011, 06:07 PM
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Blowing, if you want out..then by all means, it is time to get out. Al-anon can help you come to terms with what has happened in your life to bring things to this point. And you will still be sharing custody.

It took me a good long while after finally getting OUT of looking at what happened, studying, reading here and elsewhere to recover from living with active alcoholism. Getting out helped hugely and immediately and I will never say differently. But I still needed to process things because my thinking and emotions had become so warped from living with and adjusting to and trying to manage insanity.

Will his paying his child support be enough for you to get by without him there before August?
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Old 02-16-2011, 04:42 AM
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I can't get over how similar I feel about my SO.
He is sober.
He does what ever he wants, whenever.
Seems to feel no pressing obligation to our son, who asks him constantly to come home and "see" him.
He does act just like he is living in a hotel.

My problem: he is mentally unstable, not attending meetings, and I have asked him to leave march 1, but I see no signs of even looking.
My part of it: I am afraid if I get aggressive about it, w no program in place, no sponsor, no meds, that he will just go straight to drinking and couch surfing.
Shouldn't feel like my problem but it does
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