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I told him we're done. This is so brutally painful.

Old 02-11-2011, 08:28 PM
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I told him we're done. This is so brutally painful.

I told him 2 nights ago. We saw each other today for the first time since. We hugged, I cried. And cried. And cried. Still crying! It hurts so much to have to leave someone I love so much. He has been understanding and kind. It almost makes it harder.

And then he'll text me things that just remind me I'm doing the right thing. Things like:

If I were in your shoes I'd be there.
I feel like I'm hanging off a cliff and there's no one there to help me.
I understand you don't love me.
I just want my life back.

He goes from clear headed to completely irrational. Is that the addiction? I haven't texted anything back because I know nothing I could say would even matter. If he doesn't know I love him by now, well, screw it.

This is his journey now. It just breaks my heart. I hope he'll find himself.
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Old 02-11-2011, 08:38 PM
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By reading his texts, you are just keeping yourself torn up about it. For your own good, you should block his number so you don't have any contact with him. Go ahead and cry and grieve for the loss of the relationship, but don't continue to rip the scab off the wound by reading his texts or having contact with him.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:00 PM
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It hurts like hell to have to walk away from something that will ruin you, because of someone else's choices (sort of- the choice to seek recovery is a choice; the drinking is a compulsion). It doesn't make any sense, does it?! And its just plain old not fair.

I cry a lot too. But each day I cry a little less. Each time I see him (still married) I find him a little less attractive and begin to find myself a bit more attractive (not a reference to looks) and even though the pain is still there; the uncertainty and fear for what the future holds now, the anger toward him and at myself for believing in him; I am glad I made the choice I did, because I want a real life on my own terms. Not his.

Hang in there. Distract yourself as best you can. Get exercise and sleep (easy to say, harder to do, I know!), and go easy on yourself. You are grieving; its normal.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:04 PM
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I understand how you feel sheila. I've been there before too. I couldnt believe how self-centered alcoholics and addicts are. It's always about them and how bad and desperate they feel. It'd make me feel guilty and sad. But then I saw myself and realized I am the same way. "If he loved me, he wouldn't drink (or drug) and then we could be together and live happily ever after. I would have what I want." It was difficult for me to learn that I thought I was the center of the universe too. I'm still struggling with my own self-centeredness.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:13 PM
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Hugs sheila. The first days, weeks, months, it was very difficult for me.
2 years later life is good. Hang in there. It will get so much better.
Honestly those texts seem like manipulation to lure you back so he can keep drinking.
Everybody gets help if they want it (just like you reached SR), everyone knows AA.
Give him to his higher power, God..
Keep breathing and remember the HALT rule: hungry, angry, lonely, tired.
Scan yourself often for HALT, cover your needs, keep talking to us... you can make it....
What helped me:
yoga
therapy
posting in SR like crazy
AA/Alanon meetings
painting how I felt
writing poems
journaling
talking to my best friends
Melody Betty book "The Grief club" and "codependent no more"
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:17 PM
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It's been 3 weeks of no contact for me and today was very hard for some reason. I cried at the drop of a hat. He was the center of my world and I became very isolated when I was with him. Now I have only a small circle of friends and I get lonely sometimes. I miss all the good about him. For me reading and keeping the irrational and nasty texts has helped. I have an easy time only thinking about his good parts and re-reading the texts and e-mails keeps me confident about my choice to move on.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:31 PM
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He goes from clear headed to completely irrational. Is that the addiction?
Yup. My RAXH has been sober for something like six months, and the pendulum still swings wildly back and forth. We can have completely sane balanced conversation, but I'm always armed whenever I know I might run into him. Literally. Because I don't know whether it'll be Jekyll or Hyde I see on any given day.
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Old 02-11-2011, 09:47 PM
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Give him to his higher power, God..
I meant: "hand him to his HP"

Also handing my feelings to HP helped, too. To ask for HP's help and guidance. I do not know if you are spiritual or religious but when I was feeling so bad, it was the only thing that kept me strong. I am sending you good vibes, and my cats are sending you purrs and ((hugs))
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:01 PM
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Hi, sheila. So, he doesn't love you more than his alcohol. That is what he's saying. Has this man been in rehab yet?

His messages to you sound like BS. WHy don't you just respond to him with, "If you love me, and want to save your health, you WILL stop drinking. Period. If you need guidance and a ride to the detox center, I will help you. If not, don't contact me again".

Do NOt help the drunk. If he falls in a ditch, do not help him. If he gets a DUI, don't help him. Just let the police come take him to jail. If you find him comatose and in a drunken stupor, call the ambulance. The rest is up to him. Don't let him back into your life until he goes to rehab and deny him sex.
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Old 02-11-2011, 10:45 PM
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Again, no contact is best for your own well-being. He already knows how you feel about things. There is no point in rehashing what's already been said. Make taking care of yourself your priority. You deserve it.
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Old 02-11-2011, 11:36 PM
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I always felt worse when I broke No Contact. Not a single time did I feel better.

New mobile #?
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Old 02-12-2011, 12:02 AM
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Perhaps the break up will be the best thing for both of you.

Usually many don't seek help until those closest too them start jumping ship. Sometimes that can motivate him to want to seek help.

I just try to find some good out of painful situations I'm in, if it helps any.

But time will make it easier. It is baffling how people can destroy themselves right in front of others and horrible to witness.

Glad that you are putting yourself first.

Hang in there.
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Old 02-12-2011, 06:01 AM
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I am going through the same thing right now. Be easy on yourself. One minute I feel strong and hopeful about the future, then the next minute I feel sad that 25 years is coming to an end. I am trying to take it one day at a time, keep it in the moment if I have to. It is my grieving time and it is normal after a breakup from someone I have been with for so long.

Here are a few things I do:

Get a message

Hot Bubble Baths

Exercise

Read a good book

Oh and MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC

I am really finding out that listening to certain songs is helping me more than I ever thought.

Hang and there and keep posting! This site is a total lifesaver in situations like ours. The people here really understand.

:ghug3
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:22 AM
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Sorry to hear that he is still in the thick of his addiction. You're doing the right thing. I don't understand why, when you're leaving him, he's not running to rehab or AA or just pouring the vodka down the drain. And I'm an alcoholic.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by SSIL75 View Post
Sorry to hear that he is still in the thick of his addiction. You're doing the right thing. I don't understand why, when you're leaving him, he's not running to rehab or AA or just pouring the vodka down the drain. And I'm an alcoholic.
She should give it time. Time is on her side. She is now out of his presence and can have some peace. If he doesn't do what needs to be done to get himself together, he never loved her in the first place and she doen't need him in that case.
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Old 02-12-2011, 10:52 AM
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He's still trying to make me feel guilty for "not trying" to make this work okjland has yet to mention a thing about recovery. I do agree with the no contact, but neither of us really has a solid place to go yet, so we're taking turns staying at the house and will have to be in touch until one of us finds an apartment. I actually find his texts helpful though, because they are so obviously intended to make me feel bad, that it gives me strength that I've made the right decision.
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:18 AM
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Sorry to hear it's so tough at the moment, sheila. No break-up is pretty, but there is something so especially difficult about breaking up with someone who is prone to manipulation.

Glad to see that you can see his attempts. You're right - his journey is his to work out. And yours is for you and there are loads of people here who will walk alongside you when you need the company.
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:27 AM
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I actually find his texts helpful though, because they are so obviously intended to make me feel bad, that it gives me strength that I've made the right decision.
It is amazing how clearly we see when the fog is lifted.
Good for you Sheila.
You are a strong woman, you will do this.

Beth
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:54 AM
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It is amazing how they will do anything to blame us! QUACK QUACK QUACK
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Old 02-12-2011, 11:55 AM
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I agree with Beth. The longer you are No Contact, the clearer things become. Detachment
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