How to be friends with an ex?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Just because someone wants a relationship (of any sort) with me, doesn't mean that it has to happen or that if I decline their offer that I am somekind of ogre.
I have a non A ex with whom I have maintained a great friendship. Well, it's slipped a bit in the past few years as we rarely see each other these days because he has married and had a family and lives a long way away but I know (and he knows in return) that he is a 3am friend i.e. that we could call each other if we needed to and help would be at hand, no questions asked and nothing expected in return.
My exA, however, does not fall into that category. He was and is not an asset to my life and, whilst would turn out at 3am for me, there would be a million strings attached. Besides, his actions have shown me that he has no respect for me and why would I want a friend that doesn't respect me and has actively worked against me? Until he shows remorse and makes amends, then he is still not acting as a friend.
I can understand that urge to want to make sense of the past. I just have to make sure that a) I am not looking for something that the other person is not in a position to supply and b) that what I have to gain from the interaction is not dwarfed by the negatives that such contact could bring.
Tough one, SP, but then that's what recovery's all about, isn't it?
I have a non A ex with whom I have maintained a great friendship. Well, it's slipped a bit in the past few years as we rarely see each other these days because he has married and had a family and lives a long way away but I know (and he knows in return) that he is a 3am friend i.e. that we could call each other if we needed to and help would be at hand, no questions asked and nothing expected in return.
My exA, however, does not fall into that category. He was and is not an asset to my life and, whilst would turn out at 3am for me, there would be a million strings attached. Besides, his actions have shown me that he has no respect for me and why would I want a friend that doesn't respect me and has actively worked against me? Until he shows remorse and makes amends, then he is still not acting as a friend.
I can understand that urge to want to make sense of the past. I just have to make sure that a) I am not looking for something that the other person is not in a position to supply and b) that what I have to gain from the interaction is not dwarfed by the negatives that such contact could bring.
Tough one, SP, but then that's what recovery's all about, isn't it?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
My first husband is still my best friend. We HAD to stay in contact, because of the kids, but we started off by being civil and doing right by each other, and over the years we became close friends again. We've gotten closer by my being in recovery now, myself (he's 31 years sober).
OTOH, my last two exes (second husband and last SO) are people I do NOT want any contact with. I've pretty much forgiven them both, but I have no desire to be around the drama. I did right by both of them, have no guilt, but if it ain't broke, why fix it?
Someday maybe you and he CAN have a real conversation about what happened--maybe it will be when/if he comes to you to make an amends. Even if you do that, and get closure around what happened, that doesn't mean you have to be friends--which, to me, implies trust and a certain amount of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. You should be able to relax around a friend. The mere fact that you can't sort of puts someone out of the realm of "friend" material, IMO.
OTOH, my last two exes (second husband and last SO) are people I do NOT want any contact with. I've pretty much forgiven them both, but I have no desire to be around the drama. I did right by both of them, have no guilt, but if it ain't broke, why fix it?
Someday maybe you and he CAN have a real conversation about what happened--maybe it will be when/if he comes to you to make an amends. Even if you do that, and get closure around what happened, that doesn't mean you have to be friends--which, to me, implies trust and a certain amount of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. You should be able to relax around a friend. The mere fact that you can't sort of puts someone out of the realm of "friend" material, IMO.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
...He said he wanted to just take it day by day and see where it goes. See if we can get along for a while, not fight and then if we feel we can talk we will...
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by atalose
summerpeach,
I’ve been having that “friends” conversation in my head for the last few days myself. I know somewhere down the road he’s going to contact me – been almost 7 weeks of no contact and he’s working a program AGAIN and has always been big on the amends stuff.
He’s also big on being noble – not wanting to continue to hurt me, he’s not good enough for me, yada yada yada. So I think I have been preparing myself for the next conversation we have might have.
And all I know is that I AM NO WHERE NEAR READY FOR THAT and I’m not sure when I will be, today I feel I never will be.
Every conversation I have with myself comes back to ME wanting him back, us getting back together, him finally getting it! Him finally having enough of what his addiction does to him/us and his life in general. So I am no where near having any kind of “friends” conversation with him because my motives are far more then being just his friend.
I also have the conversation with myself about my fears, my fear of moving on, my fear of beginning something new with someone new and just how scary the aspect of that really feels for me right now. Looking at my future is just scary and overwhelming right now when I think of a relationship with anyone else besides him, so it’s just one moment at a time, one day at a time and the main focus has to be on my own broken mirror not his.
I’ve been having that “friends” conversation in my head for the last few days myself. I know somewhere down the road he’s going to contact me – been almost 7 weeks of no contact and he’s working a program AGAIN and has always been big on the amends stuff.
He’s also big on being noble – not wanting to continue to hurt me, he’s not good enough for me, yada yada yada. So I think I have been preparing myself for the next conversation we have might have.
And all I know is that I AM NO WHERE NEAR READY FOR THAT and I’m not sure when I will be, today I feel I never will be.
Every conversation I have with myself comes back to ME wanting him back, us getting back together, him finally getting it! Him finally having enough of what his addiction does to him/us and his life in general. So I am no where near having any kind of “friends” conversation with him because my motives are far more then being just his friend.
I also have the conversation with myself about my fears, my fear of moving on, my fear of beginning something new with someone new and just how scary the aspect of that really feels for me right now. Looking at my future is just scary and overwhelming right now when I think of a relationship with anyone else besides him, so it’s just one moment at a time, one day at a time and the main focus has to be on my own broken mirror not his.
These were/are all the same fears I have and believe or not, the same fears my ex has (if he is telling the truth)
We know we both still have feelings but cannot be in a relationship. And where does that leave us and them?!
He actually said he's worried I would hurt him.
Ive been with some other men (not serious) but like you, cannot even imagine sharing my life with anyone else right now. Too overwhelming and it gives me chest pains because I just cannot think about letting a new man into my world.
The AA AL NON couples group my ex and I used to attend was started 19 yrs ago by 4 aa- al anon couples who were about to divorce.
They made the format like AA and had 4 other couples about to divorce, join the group. They came together in a group setting with all their CRAZY issues and talked it out. These couples are still together and still run this group. One of the 4 couples is the man and wife who want to help my ex and me.
In the 19 yr history of this couples group, no one seperated and those who showed up divorced, remarried.
The group rose from 4 couples and now has between 30-50 couples every week.
This couple who wanted to help are in high regard in the AA community. And they are upscale respected people.
They tell me "people make it, You just need to have hope"
You want to buy into that, but they are a small % of couples who make it and they make it because BOTH couples are in recovery and work a program like there is no tomorrow.
This is why my ex and I had hope before the cheating, these couples made us (well me anyway) believe people can heal from this.
Not sure what is the right or wrong protocol for this!
Hang tight and keep sharing
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Bolina
Just because someone wants a relationship (of any sort) with me, doesn't mean that it has to happen or that if I decline their offer that I am somekind of ogre.
I have a non A ex with whom I have maintained a great friendship. Well, it's slipped a bit in the past few years as we rarely see each other these days because he has married and had a family and lives a long way away but I know (and he knows in return) that he is a 3am friend i.e. that we could call each other if we needed to and help would be at hand, no questions asked and nothing expected in return.
My exA, however, does not fall into that category. He was and is not an asset to my life and, whilst would turn out at 3am for me, there would be a million strings attached. Besides, his actions have shown me that he has no respect for me and why would I want a friend that doesn't respect me and has actively worked against me? Until he shows remorse and makes amends, then he is still not acting as a friend.
I can understand that urge to want to make sense of the past. I just have to make sure that a) I am not looking for something that the other person is not in a position to supply and b) that what I have to gain from the interaction is not dwarfed by the negatives that such contact could bring.
Tough one, SP, but then that's what recovery's all about, isn't it?
I have a non A ex with whom I have maintained a great friendship. Well, it's slipped a bit in the past few years as we rarely see each other these days because he has married and had a family and lives a long way away but I know (and he knows in return) that he is a 3am friend i.e. that we could call each other if we needed to and help would be at hand, no questions asked and nothing expected in return.
My exA, however, does not fall into that category. He was and is not an asset to my life and, whilst would turn out at 3am for me, there would be a million strings attached. Besides, his actions have shown me that he has no respect for me and why would I want a friend that doesn't respect me and has actively worked against me? Until he shows remorse and makes amends, then he is still not acting as a friend.
I can understand that urge to want to make sense of the past. I just have to make sure that a) I am not looking for something that the other person is not in a position to supply and b) that what I have to gain from the interaction is not dwarfed by the negatives that such contact could bring.
Tough one, SP, but then that's what recovery's all about, isn't it?
another great one, thanks!
I am looking for a sincere apology, but I don't think he's ready to give it yet.
He wanted to be friends too soon I think. He is truly worried about me hurting him to, but can't explain why
I was gaining at first, but now, not so sure
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Hi,
You can never go wrong focusing on yourself. No matter what happens in my life, I will never stop taking care of me, now that I have finally learned how.
If it is meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, you can continue to take the best care of you, and leave him to his HP.
You never know what wonderful things will happen if you let go of him, and take care of yourself. You deserve better. We all do...the secret is getting from in here, instead of out there.
You can never go wrong focusing on yourself. No matter what happens in my life, I will never stop taking care of me, now that I have finally learned how.
If it is meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, you can continue to take the best care of you, and leave him to his HP.
You never know what wonderful things will happen if you let go of him, and take care of yourself. You deserve better. We all do...the secret is getting from in here, instead of out there.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by LexieCat
My first husband is still my best friend. We HAD to stay in contact, because of the kids, but we started off by being civil and doing right by each other, and over the years we became close friends again. We've gotten closer by my being in recovery now, myself (he's 31 years sober).
OTOH, my last two exes (second husband and last SO) are people I do NOT want any contact with. I've pretty much forgiven them both, but I have no desire to be around the drama. I did right by both of them, have no guilt, but if it ain't broke, why fix it?
Someday maybe you and he CAN have a real conversation about what happened--maybe it will be when/if he comes to you to make an amends. Even if you do that, and get closure around what happened, that doesn't mean you have to be friends--which, to me, implies trust and a certain amount of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. You should be able to relax around a friend. The mere fact that you can't sort of puts someone out of the realm of "friend" material, IMO.
OTOH, my last two exes (second husband and last SO) are people I do NOT want any contact with. I've pretty much forgiven them both, but I have no desire to be around the drama. I did right by both of them, have no guilt, but if it ain't broke, why fix it?
Someday maybe you and he CAN have a real conversation about what happened--maybe it will be when/if he comes to you to make an amends. Even if you do that, and get closure around what happened, that doesn't mean you have to be friends--which, to me, implies trust and a certain amount of emotional intimacy and vulnerability. You should be able to relax around a friend. The mere fact that you can't sort of puts someone out of the realm of "friend" material, IMO.
My other two ex's before this last one, they BOTH cheated and were not interested in seeking help so bang, they were gone! Went NC and never looked back. Though the second one, I took back after 3 months, but was NC with him and would have never contacted him. He was SORRY LIKE MAD, I took him back, he was still a heavy user but i was clueless about addiction then,
If this ex were using and not in step, I would not have ever looked back either.
I can't relax with him because I still tons of emotion for him. I could go off forever and NC and get rid of those. I'm good at that! Not sure why I've not though. Maybe cause I saw he was willing to recover!?!?!
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher
I'm only sniping parts that strike me. Probably shouldn't do that but anyway, sounds like a quack. Beyond your guts, it also sounds to me that you're being pretty rational. Your rational thoughts are saying no. Your guts are saying no. Listen to yourself.
But could be he was between women and needed an ego boost? I can't know that for sure.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by seekingcalm
Hi,
You can never go wrong focusing on yourself. No matter what happens in my life, I will never stop taking care of me, now that I have finally learned how.
If it is meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, you can continue to take the best care of you, and leave him to his HP.
You never know what wonderful things will happen if you let go of him, and take care of yourself. You deserve better. We all do...the secret is getting from in here, instead of out there.
You can never go wrong focusing on yourself. No matter what happens in my life, I will never stop taking care of me, now that I have finally learned how.
If it is meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, you can continue to take the best care of you, and leave him to his HP.
You never know what wonderful things will happen if you let go of him, and take care of yourself. You deserve better. We all do...the secret is getting from in here, instead of out there.
This "meant to be business" freaks me out because I don't trust the universe much but I need to let this go and give it to my HP.
Letting go seems to be the only viable option
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
SP. this guy cheated on you whilst he was in recovery. What's changed since you split up? Is there any harm in putting all of this on hold until he comes to you with his Step 9 amends?
I have a sense that there is something underneath all of this for you, but wouldn't presume to guess what it is. Have you spoken to your sponsor about it?
I have a sense that there is something underneath all of this for you, but wouldn't presume to guess what it is. Have you spoken to your sponsor about it?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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He cheated while sober, but only started real recovery after he joined the step group.
No harm at all in putting this on hold. I'm really ok with that.
No tell me what you sense.
I don't have a sponsor anymore, but have a great therapist and my al anon home group leader.
No harm at all in putting this on hold. I'm really ok with that.
No tell me what you sense.
I don't have a sponsor anymore, but have a great therapist and my al anon home group leader.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
SP, I really don't want to draw any conclusions from what you have posted on here, because I know that it always only part of the story. So, I'll only try and imagine what might be going on for me if I were in your position, going by what you have posted.
If I had cheated previously, I would probably be very loathe to make a judgement on someone who cheated on me. Getting angry at them would mean that I would have to get angry with myself and I know that if I were feeling vulnerable that this would be a step too far. It would be very confusing for me to confront those feelings. I am almost certainly way off base. I do, however, think that there is something that is drawing you back to him that is worth exploring.
If I were in your position, I can see that the healthiest thing for me to do would be to work my own steps/continue with my own therapy and allow him to get much further in his own recovery (finishing the Steps rather than just embarking on them) and see what happens a bit further down the line.
If you were more comfortable with no contact, then that's perfectly OK to continue. You don't owe him anything, do you?
If I had cheated previously, I would probably be very loathe to make a judgement on someone who cheated on me. Getting angry at them would mean that I would have to get angry with myself and I know that if I were feeling vulnerable that this would be a step too far. It would be very confusing for me to confront those feelings. I am almost certainly way off base. I do, however, think that there is something that is drawing you back to him that is worth exploring.
If I were in your position, I can see that the healthiest thing for me to do would be to work my own steps/continue with my own therapy and allow him to get much further in his own recovery (finishing the Steps rather than just embarking on them) and see what happens a bit further down the line.
If you were more comfortable with no contact, then that's perfectly OK to continue. You don't owe him anything, do you?
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Originally Posted by Bolina
SP, I really don't want to draw any conclusions from what you have posted on here, because I know that it always only part of the story. So, I'll only try and imagine what might be going on for me if I were in your position, going by what you have posted.
If I had cheated previously, I would probably be very loathe to make a judgement on someone who cheated on me. Getting angry at them would mean that I would have to get angry with myself and I know that if I were feeling vulnerable that this would be a step too far. It would be very confusing for me to confront those feelings. I am almost certainly way off base. I do, however, think that there is something that is drawing you back to him that is worth exploring.
If I were in your position, I can see that the healthiest thing for me to do would be to work my own steps/continue with my own therapy and allow him to get much further in his own recovery (finishing the Steps rather than just embarking on them) and see what happens a bit further down the line.
If you were more comfortable with no contact, then that's perfectly OK to continue. You don't owe him anything, do you?
If I had cheated previously, I would probably be very loathe to make a judgement on someone who cheated on me. Getting angry at them would mean that I would have to get angry with myself and I know that if I were feeling vulnerable that this would be a step too far. It would be very confusing for me to confront those feelings. I am almost certainly way off base. I do, however, think that there is something that is drawing you back to him that is worth exploring.
If I were in your position, I can see that the healthiest thing for me to do would be to work my own steps/continue with my own therapy and allow him to get much further in his own recovery (finishing the Steps rather than just embarking on them) and see what happens a bit further down the line.
If you were more comfortable with no contact, then that's perfectly OK to continue. You don't owe him anything, do you?
I agree, I need and will continue on my recovery and continue developing my new life. He needs to get further into his recovery which is very obvious.
I don't owe him anything and he would be perfectly find with NC.
Not talking to him is probably the healthier choice right now since the whole "friends" thing didn't feel right.
I was really ok with it at first, but just too many feelings right now
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Join Date: Nov 2009
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For me, that's what no contact is all about really, SP. Getting my thoughts together and protecting my raw feelings. Because I know that my feelings aren't facts and I often need some time and space to work out what's really going on with me without the influence (benign or otherwise) of the very person who has stimulated those feelings in me.
Do you need to give yourself permission to have more time?
Do you need to give yourself permission to have more time?
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Originally Posted by Bolina
For me, that's what no contact is all about really, SP. Getting my thoughts together and protecting my raw feelings. Because I know that my feelings aren't facts and I often need some time and space to work out what's really going on with me without the influence (benign or otherwise) of the very person who has stimulated those feelings in me.
Do you need to give yourself permission to have more time?
Do you need to give yourself permission to have more time?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
A while ago I had mentioned to him about the couple’s group in our area, they had some rules though like both of us individually had to be working a program for a year before coming into the group. I had been working my program and he was sitting his but in a chair in an AA meeting once a week then eventually took on the coffee commitment and got more involved, was talking to program people more often, reading and openly talking about recovery. I thought we were working towards getting the opportunity to give the group a try.
I have to stay away from him for my own sake right now. Sure my dreams are filled with working things out but there would have to be a lot of work on his part to show me, prove to me things would be any different then the previous relapses and recovery, cause my best guess is that if he works a program like he always has he’ll always get what he always got…….another relapse.
The fact he’s not called me, not called my parents home or has not contacted my best friend since early January makes me think he is doing things differently this time, which is good for him but I also “feel” he thinks I am never coming back.
And I think in my best interest I need to proceed as if I am not going back, moving forward with my life and working on me………then some place some where down the road of recovery our paths may meet again and we’ll be two new people with new life knowledge and opportunity to meet all over again.
As someone here says……… ~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~
I have to stay away from him for my own sake right now. Sure my dreams are filled with working things out but there would have to be a lot of work on his part to show me, prove to me things would be any different then the previous relapses and recovery, cause my best guess is that if he works a program like he always has he’ll always get what he always got…….another relapse.
The fact he’s not called me, not called my parents home or has not contacted my best friend since early January makes me think he is doing things differently this time, which is good for him but I also “feel” he thinks I am never coming back.
And I think in my best interest I need to proceed as if I am not going back, moving forward with my life and working on me………then some place some where down the road of recovery our paths may meet again and we’ll be two new people with new life knowledge and opportunity to meet all over again.
As someone here says……… ~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~
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