How to be friends with an ex?
RIP Sweet Suki
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I never said they did, but having children together forces two people to remain in contact even if they don't want to. Since you don't have children together, I was merely asking why you would want to remain friends with someone who cheated on you, showed no remorse and doesn't appear to care one way or the other.
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
I never said they did, but having children together forces two people to remain in contact even if they don't want to. Since you don't have children together, I was merely asking why you would want to remain friends with someone who cheated on you, showed no remorse and doesn't appear to care one way or the other.
I cheated on an ex 12 yrs ago, and would hate to be defined by that. I made my mistake and made amends.
If he was to make amends, it would have helped.
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One of my favorite sayings not too incredibly long ago was "La coeur a ses raisons, que le raison ne connait pas." Spelling may be off, it's been a while, but loosely translated "The heart has its reasons, that Reason doesn't understand." I'd tell it to myself when I wondered why I was still with XAH. It may be true, but, IMO, it's still sh-t. That probably doesn't make any sense. And I lost my train of thought there.
Summerpeach, you deserve so much more than he can offer you. A sincere apology springs from respect for the person wronged and remorse for the actions done. I don't see that from him. I'm learning to not let people in / keep people in my life who don't respect me. I definitely don't want to keep them as friends.
Hugs and take care of you.
Summerpeach, you deserve so much more than he can offer you. A sincere apology springs from respect for the person wronged and remorse for the actions done. I don't see that from him. I'm learning to not let people in / keep people in my life who don't respect me. I definitely don't want to keep them as friends.
Hugs and take care of you.
Last edited by theuncertainty; 02-02-2011 at 01:55 PM. Reason: clarification
RIP Sweet Suki
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Maybe, but its a moot point now. If he wants to be a better person, he'll do it whether you are in contact with him or not. You admit that this contact is bothering you and that you did better with no contact at all. It's not about him anymore. It's about you and what is best for you. You know what that is.
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach
at this point, I still just need to keep the focus on me
Sometimes we get stuck with someone because there are things we want to communicate with them, the good news is that we can give ourselves permission to voice those opinions and feelings, acknowledge them.. accept them, feel them, realize the other person was made aware of our will to let go of them with love at some spiritual level, and our brain can't make a difference between these exercises and reality...
Not sure if I am explaining myself... in any case.. I support you
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I saw set up a contact schedule around major events like holidays or birthdays. That would mean you talk two or three times a year for a limited amount of time. It maintains that contact without open the door for free access.
You ain't free and he lost his right to pick up the phone and call you any time when he dicked someone else.
You ain't free and he lost his right to pick up the phone and call you any time when he dicked someone else.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Also the person you describe doesn't seem to be really working a step, nor taking a honest look to himself. Perhaps he says he is working his steps so he hooks you again... ? just what I see from 'outside'. I think you are very capable and wise and already know what to do...
To thine own self be true.
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Right before the holidays, I asked him what he wanted from me and he said to be friends. I would have never even phathomed that idea since I've never been interested in being friends with an ex. But I thought a slow progression into it may be a good way to work through some of the past pains and resentments
Problem is, I don't trust his intentions for being my friend. All our communication is done by email or txt. We don't meet or talk about the past.
He just seems to want to talk about the small things for now.
Is there a healthy way to go about this?
Problem is, I don't trust his intentions for being my friend. All our communication is done by email or txt. We don't meet or talk about the past.
He just seems to want to talk about the small things for now.
Is there a healthy way to go about this?
For me, it is now about Discernment, whereas before it was about Judgment. I do my best now to become aware of when I am judging others and to replace those thoughts with discerning thoughts instead. I learn from my dealings with people, and I stop myself from looking for who is right and who is wrong. Because it does not matter who is right and who is wrong. If dealing with someone in my life has brought me hurt in the past, I learn from that and choose not to deal with that person any longer.
I doubt very seriously this man has changed THAT much in 6 months. I think you should trust those instincts of yours and nevermind what it is HE wants from you.
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Thanks all. YES I do deserve more than someone not respecting me enough to show remorse. He can't! His illness is one of his ego! He prob will never show remorse and always feel his actions were justified. sad eh!
The contact was ok at first, I actually felt ok, I didn't stop what I was doing. Still talked to other men I met, still did my thing and it just felt ok.
I think it's when I bumped into my former group leader and his wife and they said "Maybe you two should talk about what happened" It got me thinking and when he was not on board, I think that's when contact started to hurt.
He said he'll think about talking face to face with our former group leader, and I told him in the meantime it's best to heal away from one another again.
Well I wrote the whole letter thing a few months back. I go over this in Al Anon and with my therapist and was doing ok. I could have gotten closure without him. But when he mentioned friends, I thought ok.
He did say he was hoping friends would lead somewhere, but that may have just been a lie. Hard to tell what the truth is from him.
The only real reason I ever ended up staying or talking to this man was because he showed he has the potential to change when he joined AA on his own, stopped drinking that day and stayed in AA a few times a week and then joined step.
Those things always kept me believing in him. but now, I may have lost a bit of that!
The contact was ok at first, I actually felt ok, I didn't stop what I was doing. Still talked to other men I met, still did my thing and it just felt ok.
I think it's when I bumped into my former group leader and his wife and they said "Maybe you two should talk about what happened" It got me thinking and when he was not on board, I think that's when contact started to hurt.
He said he'll think about talking face to face with our former group leader, and I told him in the meantime it's best to heal away from one another again.
Well I wrote the whole letter thing a few months back. I go over this in Al Anon and with my therapist and was doing ok. I could have gotten closure without him. But when he mentioned friends, I thought ok.
He did say he was hoping friends would lead somewhere, but that may have just been a lie. Hard to tell what the truth is from him.
The only real reason I ever ended up staying or talking to this man was because he showed he has the potential to change when he joined AA on his own, stopped drinking that day and stayed in AA a few times a week and then joined step.
Those things always kept me believing in him. but now, I may have lost a bit of that!
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
Also the person you describe doesn't seem to be really working a step, nor taking a honest look to himself. Perhaps he says he is working his steps so he hooks you again... ? just what I see from 'outside'. I think you are very capable and wise and already know what to do...
My main advice came from the group leader. He's started this couples group 17 yrs ago and him and his wife run intensive weekends and counsel couples.
In the 18 yrs they ran this group, not one couples divorced.
My ex and i used to go to this group and we stopped.
We just lost the will to fight.
Couples do make it when there is recovery on both ends.
I seriously raise my glass to my ex for going cold turkey on the booze and being sober 2 yrs. And for walking in a step group terrified of exposing himself.
It's only 5% of addicts who do this.
Yes even though he's still a mess, he did this on his own
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Originally Posted by kilt
I saw set up a contact schedule around major events like holidays or birthdays. That would mean you talk two or three times a year for a limited amount of time. It maintains that contact without open the door for free access.
You ain't free and he lost his right to pick up the phone and call you any time when he dicked someone else.
You ain't free and he lost his right to pick up the phone and call you any time when he dicked someone else.
And he was always clear that he was not ready for a relationship but wanted to be friends to see how it goes. Sincere on not is what is baffling me
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Originally Posted by tallulah
Life is like a jigsaw.. sometimes you have to make space in your life by removing one of the pieces - to allow for something better to come along.
Tx
Tx
When i walked away from my ex, I had the door open to new things.
But people are not always throw away. He cheated and messed up and when I cheated and messed up, I would hate to think I was no good for life.
I'm a great human being who made a mistake.
Not saying he is, but I didn't decide on being his friend based on the cheating. That is the last of what I thought about.
It's his general mental health over all
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He may become a great guy, but that doesn't mean he's a great guy for you. It sounds like you've forgiven him for cheating, and that's fine, but maybe you should let it go at that. He doesn't really sound all that interested in a friendship anyway. If you have forgiven him, then that sounds like closure to me. If you expect him, or are waiting on him to express remorse, I fear you'll be waiting a long time.
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This for many can be a difficult subject. I'm somewhat similar to your ex. I'm an alcoholic, in recovery now, but when I was still active in my disease I ruined my marriage because of my drinking and the things I was doing when I was drinking. I was the emotionally unfaithful type of guy. I was out at the bars and clubs flirting with women to boost my own self esteem and ego. The thing thats most difficult for myself and my ex is getting along. We have 2 beautiful kids together so we more or less have no choice but to get along with each other for the best for our children. I still have feelings for her and from what my ex mother in-law tells me she may still have some for me. But I caused her a lot of pain and betrayed her trust so I can understand that it would be very difficult for her to ever trust me again. It's tough though, we are friendly with each other but you can cut the tension between us with a knife. Very little words are exchanged between us except for the bear minimum and even that sometimes is very difficult for me. Sometimes I want to jump out of my seat and tell her how I feel about her, good things of course. If not for our kids I imagine she wouldn't be in my life at all anymore.
The only thing I can really suggest would be to search your heart and really ask yourself of you do want him in your life. If you thinly he doesn't want to be friends for the right reasons maybe its best you not be friends with him. If he is working his 12 step program let him make his amends with you and set things strait. Other than that perhaps its best you have your space so that you can heal and move on. You have to watch out for your self and put your self first before anything else.
The only thing I can really suggest would be to search your heart and really ask yourself of you do want him in your life. If you thinly he doesn't want to be friends for the right reasons maybe its best you not be friends with him. If he is working his 12 step program let him make his amends with you and set things strait. Other than that perhaps its best you have your space so that you can heal and move on. You have to watch out for your self and put your self first before anything else.
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Originally Posted by suki44883
He may become a great guy, but that doesn't mean he's a great guy for you. It sounds like you've forgiven him for cheating, and that's fine, but maybe you should let it go at that. He doesn't really sound all that interested in a friendship anyway. If you have forgiven him, then that sounds like closure to me. If you expect him, or are waiting on him to express remorse, I fear you'll be waiting a long time.
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Originally Posted by johndelko408
This for many can be a difficult subject. I'm somewhat similar to your ex. I'm an alcoholic, in recovery now, but when I was still active in my disease I ruined my marriage because of my drinking and the things I was doing when I was drinking. I was the emotionally unfaithful type of guy. I was out at the bars and clubs flirting with women to boost my own self esteem and ego. The thing thats most difficult for myself and my ex is getting along. We have 2 beautiful kids together so we more or less have no choice but to get along with each other for the best for our children. I still have feelings for her and from what my ex mother in-law tells me she may still have some for me. But I caused her a lot of pain and betrayed her trust so I can understand that it would be very difficult for her to ever trust me again. It's tough though, we are friendly with each other but you can cut the tension between us with a knife. Very little words are exchanged between us except for the bear minimum and even that sometimes is very difficult for me. Sometimes I want to jump out of my seat and tell her how I feel about her, good things of course. If not for our kids I imagine she wouldn't be in my life at all anymore.
The only thing I can really suggest would be to search your heart and really ask yourself of you do want him in your life. If you thinly he doesn't want to be friends for the right reasons maybe its best you not be friends with him. If he is working his 12 step program let him make his amends with you and set things strait. Other than that perhaps its best you have your space so that you can heal and move on. You have to watch out for your self and put your self first before anything else.
The only thing I can really suggest would be to search your heart and really ask yourself of you do want him in your life. If you thinly he doesn't want to be friends for the right reasons maybe its best you not be friends with him. If he is working his 12 step program let him make his amends with you and set things strait. Other than that perhaps its best you have your space so that you can heal and move on. You have to watch out for your self and put your self first before anything else.
I think a need more time to think and to take care of me. I was moving along nicely taking care of me. I've changed so much in 6 months time and this has taken me down a step or two for sure.
Because I don't trust him, I'm thinking he may not want to be friends for the right reasons. Of course, I hope the part of him that's healing is sincere.
I guess time will tell if he was sincere, for now, I'm going to just take care of me
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher
If it were me, I'd be listening to my guts. Hell, I should have been listening to them for a long time.
My gut tells me he's not sincere because he doesn't want to face the group AA leader who was willing to help us, when he said he would talk, now changed his mind.
He said he wanted to just take it day by day and see where it goes. See if we can get along for a while, not fight and then if we feel we can talk we will.
But not really fair to me since I can be his "friend" but need to get rid of the elephant in the room first.
He wanted it slower, I felt slower was suspicious
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summerpeach,
I’ve been having that “friends” conversation in my head for the last few days myself. I know somewhere down the road he’s going to contact me – been almost 7 weeks of no contact and he’s working a program AGAIN and has always been big on the amends stuff.
He’s also big on being noble – not wanting to continue to hurt me, he’s not good enough for me, yada yada yada. So I think I have been preparing myself for the next conversation we have might have.
And all I know is that I AM NO WHERE NEAR READY FOR THAT and I’m not sure when I will be, today I feel I never will be.
Every conversation I have with myself comes back to ME wanting him back, us getting back together, him finally getting it! Him finally having enough of what his addiction does to him/us and his life in general. So I am no where near having any kind of “friends” conversation with him because my motives are far more then being just his friend.
I also have the conversation with myself about my fears, my fear of moving on, my fear of beginning something new with someone new and just how scary the aspect of that really feels for me right now. Looking at my future is just scary and overwhelming right now when I think of a relationship with anyone else besides him, so it’s just one moment at a time, one day at a time and the main focus has to be on my own broken mirror not his.
I’ve been having that “friends” conversation in my head for the last few days myself. I know somewhere down the road he’s going to contact me – been almost 7 weeks of no contact and he’s working a program AGAIN and has always been big on the amends stuff.
He’s also big on being noble – not wanting to continue to hurt me, he’s not good enough for me, yada yada yada. So I think I have been preparing myself for the next conversation we have might have.
And all I know is that I AM NO WHERE NEAR READY FOR THAT and I’m not sure when I will be, today I feel I never will be.
Every conversation I have with myself comes back to ME wanting him back, us getting back together, him finally getting it! Him finally having enough of what his addiction does to him/us and his life in general. So I am no where near having any kind of “friends” conversation with him because my motives are far more then being just his friend.
I also have the conversation with myself about my fears, my fear of moving on, my fear of beginning something new with someone new and just how scary the aspect of that really feels for me right now. Looking at my future is just scary and overwhelming right now when I think of a relationship with anyone else besides him, so it’s just one moment at a time, one day at a time and the main focus has to be on my own broken mirror not his.
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