How to be friends with an ex?
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How to be friends with an ex?
I left my ex 6 months ago after I caught him cheating.
We had very little contact and at some points, no contact. I felt at peace, but always tried to respect his recovery and mistakes. We all make them, but my resentment was still very much alive and well.
He's been sober 2 yrs and joined 12 step 1 month after I left. I'm sure he didn't join it because he lost me.
Right before the holidays, I asked him what he wanted from me and he said to be friends. I would have never even phathomed that idea since I've never been interested in being friends with an ex. But I thought a slow progression into it may be a good way to work through some of the past pains and resentments
Problem is, I don't trust his intentions for being my friend. All our communication is done by email or txt. We don't meet or talk about the past.
He just seems to want to talk about the small things for now.
Is there a healthy way to go about this? My therapist and a few people I know from couples AA groups feel it's best to sit and talk with him, but he's not ready for that yet
We had very little contact and at some points, no contact. I felt at peace, but always tried to respect his recovery and mistakes. We all make them, but my resentment was still very much alive and well.
He's been sober 2 yrs and joined 12 step 1 month after I left. I'm sure he didn't join it because he lost me.
Right before the holidays, I asked him what he wanted from me and he said to be friends. I would have never even phathomed that idea since I've never been interested in being friends with an ex. But I thought a slow progression into it may be a good way to work through some of the past pains and resentments
Problem is, I don't trust his intentions for being my friend. All our communication is done by email or txt. We don't meet or talk about the past.
He just seems to want to talk about the small things for now.
Is there a healthy way to go about this? My therapist and a few people I know from couples AA groups feel it's best to sit and talk with him, but he's not ready for that yet
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i really couldnt say summer as my ex is still wanting to be friends with me his words but i feel he doesnt get the full meaning of friends as in next breath he wants me to meet up and we will go to bed just as friends of course :0 its at that point i have to gently but firmly point out we are friends not partners anymore and i have never slept around and nor do i intend to start now and that i have a new bf now who im happy with.
So id say exercise caution as what he says one day may well change daily given that their moods can change irratically but would be interested in others opionions xxxkia
So id say exercise caution as what he says one day may well change daily given that their moods can change irratically but would be interested in others opionions xxxkia
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I know there are others who do it differently then me, but it works for me to NOT be friends with ex's. For me, it is a moving on process. However, that's not to say that I am unfriendly toward ex's. Just not friends, pretty much zero contact.
I agree with stella27 to take a good hard look at how much you want this person in your life. Especially after what sounds like a traumatic relationship.
I agree with stella27 to take a good hard look at how much you want this person in your life. Especially after what sounds like a traumatic relationship.
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Hi Summer, this is a tricky one for me. I am friends with last ex (not an alkie) but can sniff he wants us to be together again. The only thing I can do in these cases is be honest with myself, be honest with him and pray for HP to show me what is best, to give me clarity. I know "more will be revealed". Also do you want him in your life or would you be healthier without him in the picture at all ? perhaps you 2 can indeed be friends, but after some more time and distance? All the best.
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PS I used to "talk to" or text other ex's but now that I closed the door for good and went No Contact, I find it easier to go about my life and enjoy the present moment. In Feng Shui, there has to be space in order for new things to arrive....
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I want him in my life as a healthy person only. He's not and I have no doubt it still on singles sites trying to hook up with women.
My gut says he may be using me only to feed his very low self esteem.
I was ok with no contact and felt ok with some contact. It was nice to talk about a few things, but he refuses to want to address the past so for me, I think I need to go back no contact unless he's willing to face what he did.
It's so very confusing. He doesn't want to come back for sure or want to be with me, for sure.
My gut says he may be using me only to feed his very low self esteem.
I was ok with no contact and felt ok with some contact. It was nice to talk about a few things, but he refuses to want to address the past so for me, I think I need to go back no contact unless he's willing to face what he did.
It's so very confusing. He doesn't want to come back for sure or want to be with me, for sure.
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach 
It was nice to talk about a few things, but he refuses to want to address the past so for me, I think I need to go back no contact unless he's willing to face what he did.
.
.
Asking him to revisit his past errors--it's a red flag for him. That's what you want from him. Do you want validation? Not that you don't deserve validation--I'm sure you do--
Examine your motives for wanting him as a friend perhaps?
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My gut says he may be using me only to feed his very low self esteem.
Please take care of yourself.
Beth
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I say follow your gut... what would help heal your heart? you already know it seems...
For the ex's that I kept contact with, and this last one, they had all talked to me, acknowledged their stuff and apologized (sometimes 5 years later), just as I apologized to them...
The XABF never did acknowledge a thing and it was too horrible, I think that one has been my only ex with whom I have gone 100% No Contact and stayed that way.
Time to do what is best for you not what is best for him.. hugs!
For the ex's that I kept contact with, and this last one, they had all talked to me, acknowledged their stuff and apologized (sometimes 5 years later), just as I apologized to them...
The XABF never did acknowledge a thing and it was too horrible, I think that one has been my only ex with whom I have gone 100% No Contact and stayed that way.
Time to do what is best for you not what is best for him.. hugs!
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I would listen to what my gut is telling me. Your gut is sometimes, but seldom, wrong.
I would probably ask myself what are the benefits/costs to having this person in my life as a friend.. and make a decision accordingly. If I came down on the side of having this person as a friend, I would make sure I had boundaries clearly established at the outset and that I could stick to them.
Tx
I would probably ask myself what are the benefits/costs to having this person in my life as a friend.. and make a decision accordingly. If I came down on the side of having this person as a friend, I would make sure I had boundaries clearly established at the outset and that I could stick to them.
Tx
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I also need to add, he still does not take any ownership of his cheating.
When I spoke with him last week about how he sat in front of our couples therapist and lied to her face and mine about him cheating, he said he wasn't cheating :-(
He was cheating and still denies it.
He says he's worked his 4th step, moral inventory over a few times, but has not address his cheating on me?!
I realize he still a very sick person
When I spoke with him last week about how he sat in front of our couples therapist and lied to her face and mine about him cheating, he said he wasn't cheating :-(
He was cheating and still denies it.
He says he's worked his 4th step, moral inventory over a few times, but has not address his cheating on me?!
I realize he still a very sick person
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool
The thing about a friendship is that it must be built on different ground and in the present without dredging up all the muck from the past.
Asking him to revisit his past errors--it's a red flag for him. That's what you want from him. Do you want validation? Not that you don't deserve validation--I'm sure you do--
Examine your motives for wanting him as a friend perhaps?
Asking him to revisit his past errors--it's a red flag for him. That's what you want from him. Do you want validation? Not that you don't deserve validation--I'm sure you do--
Examine your motives for wanting him as a friend perhaps?
How can one move forward though without talking about the past pains?
How can trust be rebuilt?
Funny you say red flag cause I just told him his refusing to talk to me is a red flag
getting more confused...hehe
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I would add... that 'closure', working through the past, is something that can't be forced or expected from the other party. I've also come to realise through my own experience that working through the past and obtaining 'closure', is something that we can do without the input of the other party.
Making amends, or not, is his side of the street.
Tx
Making amends, or not, is his side of the street.
Tx
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach
Hmmmm, this is interesting.
How can one move forward though without talking about the past pains?
How can trust be rebuilt?
Funny you say red flag cause I just told him his refusing to talk to me is a red flag
getting more confused...hehe
How can one move forward though without talking about the past pains?
How can trust be rebuilt?
Funny you say red flag cause I just told him his refusing to talk to me is a red flag
getting more confused...hehe
Ok, in that case, forget about it. You can't go forward with this person as a friend, it is impossible. How could you ever feel that you are respected when you sit across the table from him? And how could you ever respect him? Until he acknowledges and apologizes for his transgressions of his own volition, there is no point whatsoever to friendship with him, imho.
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Is there a healthy way to go about this? My therapist and a few people I know from couples AA groups feel it's best to sit and talk with him, but he's not ready for that yet
I think it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie. You said you were better with no contact, so that makes the most sense. If you don't have children with this man, why would you want to remain friends? There is a reason he is your "ex."
I think it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie. You said you were better with no contact, so that makes the most sense. If you don't have children with this man, why would you want to remain friends? There is a reason he is your "ex."
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
I say follow your gut... what would help heal your heart? you already know it seems...
For the ex's that I kept contact with, and this last one, they had all talked to me, acknowledged their stuff and apologized (sometimes 5 years later), just as I apologized to them...
The XABF never did acknowledge a thing and it was too horrible, I think that one has been my only ex with whom I have gone 100% No Contact and stay that way.
Time to do what is best for you not what is best for him.. hugs!
For the ex's that I kept contact with, and this last one, they had all talked to me, acknowledged their stuff and apologized (sometimes 5 years later), just as I apologized to them...
The XABF never did acknowledge a thing and it was too horrible, I think that one has been my only ex with whom I have gone 100% No Contact and stay that way.
Time to do what is best for you not what is best for him.. hugs!
He said he cheated on me out of spite and did it before I could do it to him
He still do this day claims he never was physical with this girl.
My ex before him I was with for 2 yrs, went NC totally (til I saw him 2 yrs later and was ok with it) and the ex before him who I was 11 yrs, I went total NC with him, til he came to talk to me 2 yrs following, but told him to get lost.
There is till a heavy part of my fantasy thinking involved here that he's going to get well and be ok as a partner.
I've witnessed many couples like us change and move forward so I always thought it was possible.
But could be at this point, I still just need to keep the focus on me
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Is there a healthy way to go about this? My therapist and a few people I know from couples AA groups feel it's best to sit and talk with him, but he's not ready for that yet
I think it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie. You said you were better with no contact, so that makes the most sense. If you don't have children with this man, why would you want to remain friends? There is a reason he is your "ex."
I think it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie. You said you were better with no contact, so that makes the most sense. If you don't have children with this man, why would you want to remain friends? There is a reason he is your "ex."
I was feeling good when I was NC, but just thought slowly talking to him would help with my healing as well. Not really turning out that way
I still very much care about him, kids or not. The heart doesn't feel more when two people share kids.
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool
You've explained some things that clarify the situation to me. He has never acknowledged his cheating, and I didn't know this ground hadn't already been covered.
Ok, in that case, forget about it. You can't go forward with this person as a friend, it is impossible. How could you ever feel that you are respected when you sit across the table from him? And how could you ever respect him? Until he acknowledges and apologizes for his transgressions of his own volition, there is no point whatsoever to friendship with him, imho.
Ok, in that case, forget about it. You can't go forward with this person as a friend, it is impossible. How could you ever feel that you are respected when you sit across the table from him? And how could you ever respect him? Until he acknowledges and apologizes for his transgressions of his own volition, there is no point whatsoever to friendship with him, imho.
I don't think he's ready or will ever be ready. He told me he was going to make amends to his ex wife (she cheated on him after 20 yrs), and he told me this a month ago and never did it.
I suspect he may never make amends to any one.
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