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New Here, Codependency, etc.

Old 01-29-2011, 11:14 AM
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New Here, Codependency, etc.

Husband has been alcoholic at least since we got married 4 yrs ago, but I am really finally realizing it now. He's always had shaky hands and I didn't know why. His moods are unpredictable, I find vodka bottles in his car. I've never seen him stop for more than 1 week on his own.

I've been reading a lot about codependency, and I do exhibit some of those behaviors, although I generally have very high self esteem and value myself deeply.

My trouble right now is, I have not confronted him about this (not since about a year ago), but I feel so much anger towards him that I can't get past it myself. I've been going to some AA, Al-Anon which has helped, and I know it is not his fault, it's a disease. But I'm still angry!!!

I think I should talk to him soon, just lay it all out on the table. No ultimatum, but just tell him how I'm feeling. Or do I just accept it?

I'm thinking of opening my own savings account, and putting away the same amount of money he spends on alcohol each month, so that if I do need to leave I will have a cushion.

I love him a lot, but I love me more.
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Old 01-29-2011, 11:19 AM
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I'm thinking of opening my own savings account, and putting away the same amount of money he spends on alcohol each month, so that if I do need to leave I will have a cushion.

That is an excellent idea. Sometimes, just having a plan in place makes us feel a little more secure. Do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself.

I think I should talk to him soon, just lay it all out on the table. No ultimatum, but just tell him how I'm feeling. Or do I just accept it?

I don't think there's anything wrong with laying it all out on the table, but I wouldn't expect much to come of it. If it makes you feel better though, then go ahead.

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here from people who understand exactly what you are going through. Most of us have been there. Read a lot and post whenever you want. We're here to support you!
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Old 01-29-2011, 11:28 AM
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I love him a lot, but I love me more.
That insight right there is worth a whole field of corn, my friend.
And a very good start.
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Old 01-29-2011, 12:06 PM
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Sorry for all these troubles. I was so glad to see that you love YOU more. That is a wonderful thought to keep holding on to.

Though a lot of things come to my mind, many of them would put me in your business and that's not where I should be. But the most helpful thing I can offer to you is to go to as many different AlAnon meetings as you can. Even if they offer 2 a day. And in those meetings try to connect with people afterwards that you can talk too. Find the winners! People that seem to be successful in working this program. People you'd like to feel like.

I've been in AlAnon a year now. I walked in so ANGRY! Why was I spending time in these rooms when my SIL wasn't even acknowledging he had a problem ?!?! (Dry alcoholic) - just making my daughter and ME miserable. There had never been any alcoholism in my immediate family. And what was all this talk about being grateful?!? I expected to hear people venting about their alcoholic and figuring out how to fix THAT! It took me several months to figure out that just showing up to the meetings, though eventually helpful like you said, wasn't helping me get rid of the anger. I had questions/concerns and I needed tools to deal with this in a healthier way.

All our stories are different I think in urgency, intensity and problems, but the same in that we all have someone who has trouble with alcohol. I know that my best strength, confidence in decision making and personal healing has come from going to the meetings, connecting with people afterwards and the most powerful for me was finding a temporary sponsor. A sponsor will be a Life Line to helping you work thru the program, deal with your anger and help you see what steps YOU should take next.

This forum is also an excellent way to jump on when something is going on in your home and you just want to talk to people that understand. I found it when my kids were here fighting. I couldn't call anyone but I could talk online and no one knew. I got a lot of support, was allowed to vent and even wound up laughing.

Keep coming back. Here and the meetings. Take care.
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Old 01-29-2011, 02:25 PM
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Welcome!
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Old 01-29-2011, 08:50 PM
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Thanks for the replies. I'm detaching myself, I would like to be able to do so lovingly, to still be affectionate, but I just can't do that right now. I am now realizing the patterns of his manipulation, or that's what I think it is (is it?)- to make me feel guilty. He has always implied that I am selfish. He's really an unhappy person, most of the time. I have made the mistake in the past of letting that determine my mood. His excuses: He blames work. He always has to work, he hates his job, he has no friends, he needs to be going to school, he needs inspiration. He asks me to inspire him. I've always just kind of shrugged, or nodded when he says that, but you know what? Only he can find his own inspiration. That's not something I can give him. I am less fearful of his moods, because they're HIS moods. There is only one Al-Anon meeting per week in my town, with low to zero turnout. I suspect I'll be here a lot. Thanks for all the support.
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Old 01-29-2011, 09:20 PM
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Too bad about the lack of meetings. Thank goodness you found this site. I've not done the meetings here but they seem regular and I think that's important. And if they are anything like the Forum and Chat Rooms, very supportive.

For me, structure and resources have been SO very helpful in keeping my sanity. I kept questioning myself, like you are experiencing now. (I still do question myself. Growth thing I guess.) But when I'd return to a meeting, invariably I'd hear another member share something similar to what I was going thru. And I've heard at just about every meeting, other people sharing this same phenomenon. So that really helped me stay on target with self-help, ya know?

Detachment seems to be a watch word for me. I hear it a lot from my Sponsor and in the meetings. Learn to detach. So sounds like you are on the right track.

Also getting the book Courage to Change may be helpful. If they don't have it at the meeting you can order it online. It's set up for a short lesson each day of the year. I read it with a highlighter. HA! It also has an index in the back that can reference subjects that might come up in our lives.

I hope some of this helps. Best of luck and I'll keep looking for you here.
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Old 01-29-2011, 11:15 PM
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I have to agree with Suki. You can lay it out on the table but don't expect him to stop drinking. I've been there. I'm glad I had my say. It really helped me even though his response was that his drinking was none of my business. I know he heard me. It freed me to do what I need to do to take care of myself.

I have been stashing cash because I don't want a paper trail, I've copied all our personal papers and mailed them to in a safe place.
I've got an overnight bag packed (good for 2 days) stashed at my best friend's house. I even bought myself a new pair of pants and two tops to put in that bag.

I've made an appointment for a consultation with an attorney. I've not decided to leave yet. I may not. But I'm gonna know what my rights are and what to expect if I do leave and file for divorce.

My husband isn't physically abusive. He can get nasty mouthed when he's drinking and something isn't going is way. Mostly he just sits in the backyard and slugs beer.
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