advice/encouragement needed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 9
advice/encouragement needed
Hello, everyone. My name is Rene and I am married to an alcoholic.
This is my first post and I could use some advice and encouragement. TIA.
I have been married for 3.5 years, together with AH for 8 years. My AH freely admits he is an alcoholic. His father and brothers were/are alcoholics.
I knew he was a alcoholic when we married. I was young and thought things would get better. 1 year into our marriage, his mom suffered a stroke. He became her power of attorney and was responsible for cleaning out her house of 40+ years, finding her assisted living, etc. During this time, he lost his job of 18+ years and $40k + per year. Job loss was due to management changes and his inability to make changes in his work style and the stress of dealing with his mother's situation.
It is now 2.5 years after his mom's stroke. AH found a job that he really loves, great benefits and I support, however, he is only working about 25 hours per week and making about $800/month. He has been there for 18 months. On his days off, he does some work around the house and then gets drunk. 9 of 10 times I come home to find him drunk and/or passed out. Claims he can't find a pt job-too hard, not the right hours, etc. Meanwhile, I have juggled credit card payments, loans, etc. to pay our bills on time. He uses some of his mom's money, of which he is still in charge of, inappropriately to pay for his gas, cigs, booze, etc (I am not comfortable with that!!)
On the days he works, he goes to work, comes home, gets drunk, goes to bed or passes out, then gets up and does it over. While he has never missed work because of his drinking, he has screwed up our plans b/c of his drinking.
He is a "nice guy." Takes good care of his mom, who is still in assisted living and will be for the rest of her life. I know seeing his mom is her condition (effects of stroke and dementia) is very hard on him as he was always close to her. He has never hit me, however, he does hurt me emotionally at times by not being an equal companion and the partner I need.
When he lost his job, I went to counseling and finally got him to come to a few sessions. He was pretty standoffish during our sessions, but I was optimistic his new job would fix everything. It didn't. He says he will not go to AA. He had a DUI 25 years ago and part of his sentence was to attend AA. He used to have a friend page him, he would pretend he got called into work, and would leave the meeting.
I am considering a divorce. I am too young to continue this roller coaster ride I am on. Our sex life is non-existent. I want to have children, but bringing them into this mess would not be fair. AH is 20 years older than I am, BTW.
So my questions are:
-We are heavily into debt (50k.) With him making so little money (22k/year), does that mean I would be responsible for all of the debt? I make a little over 40k per year. We do own a house, but don't have a ton of equity in it (maybe 7% of what we could sell it for.)
-What is an al-anon meeting like? I think it would be good for me, but scared to take that first step. Like everyone, I am pissed that I am not the alcoholic, yet I have to go to meetings, counseling, etc. Feel like he should be the one going. Uh.
-I like to have a glass of wine with dinner or go out with friends on the weekends and have some beers. Is there anyway for me to still enjoy these things or do I have to give that up to avoid being a hypocrite?
Thank you for reading my looong story. Appreciate any feedback/advice you have for me!
This is my first post and I could use some advice and encouragement. TIA.
I have been married for 3.5 years, together with AH for 8 years. My AH freely admits he is an alcoholic. His father and brothers were/are alcoholics.
I knew he was a alcoholic when we married. I was young and thought things would get better. 1 year into our marriage, his mom suffered a stroke. He became her power of attorney and was responsible for cleaning out her house of 40+ years, finding her assisted living, etc. During this time, he lost his job of 18+ years and $40k + per year. Job loss was due to management changes and his inability to make changes in his work style and the stress of dealing with his mother's situation.
It is now 2.5 years after his mom's stroke. AH found a job that he really loves, great benefits and I support, however, he is only working about 25 hours per week and making about $800/month. He has been there for 18 months. On his days off, he does some work around the house and then gets drunk. 9 of 10 times I come home to find him drunk and/or passed out. Claims he can't find a pt job-too hard, not the right hours, etc. Meanwhile, I have juggled credit card payments, loans, etc. to pay our bills on time. He uses some of his mom's money, of which he is still in charge of, inappropriately to pay for his gas, cigs, booze, etc (I am not comfortable with that!!)
On the days he works, he goes to work, comes home, gets drunk, goes to bed or passes out, then gets up and does it over. While he has never missed work because of his drinking, he has screwed up our plans b/c of his drinking.
He is a "nice guy." Takes good care of his mom, who is still in assisted living and will be for the rest of her life. I know seeing his mom is her condition (effects of stroke and dementia) is very hard on him as he was always close to her. He has never hit me, however, he does hurt me emotionally at times by not being an equal companion and the partner I need.
When he lost his job, I went to counseling and finally got him to come to a few sessions. He was pretty standoffish during our sessions, but I was optimistic his new job would fix everything. It didn't. He says he will not go to AA. He had a DUI 25 years ago and part of his sentence was to attend AA. He used to have a friend page him, he would pretend he got called into work, and would leave the meeting.
I am considering a divorce. I am too young to continue this roller coaster ride I am on. Our sex life is non-existent. I want to have children, but bringing them into this mess would not be fair. AH is 20 years older than I am, BTW.
So my questions are:
-We are heavily into debt (50k.) With him making so little money (22k/year), does that mean I would be responsible for all of the debt? I make a little over 40k per year. We do own a house, but don't have a ton of equity in it (maybe 7% of what we could sell it for.)
-What is an al-anon meeting like? I think it would be good for me, but scared to take that first step. Like everyone, I am pissed that I am not the alcoholic, yet I have to go to meetings, counseling, etc. Feel like he should be the one going. Uh.
-I like to have a glass of wine with dinner or go out with friends on the weekends and have some beers. Is there anyway for me to still enjoy these things or do I have to give that up to avoid being a hypocrite?
Thank you for reading my looong story. Appreciate any feedback/advice you have for me!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
hey Rene-
Glad to read your story and so glad that you posted. Sorry your situation sounds kinda grim.
I definitely suggest an AlAnon meeting. Give it a try. I know I found truly meaningful change in my life by working the program AlAnon recommends.
It helps you focus on your own problems/strengths. Then you can start behaving differently and making things happen for yourself in your life that are positive and what YOU want!
You sound so sweet- and a sexless marriage w/ an alcoholic 20yrs older than you? That's a disaster!! There's a great big fun world out there and men who are not addicts/alcoholics who you can have a decent relationship with ( includes SEX!!!) a glass of wine with and not have anxiety about that. You were smart not to have children with this guy!
A hallmark of co-dependent behavior is making excuses for the alcoholic in our minds. It's called denial. I always try to look at the situation, remove the alcohol from the picture, and then think : would this be OK? Like pretend your hubby didn't drink. And you never had sex. NOT OK!! And he couldn't get it together to get another part time job when you guys obviously need the dough. NOT OK.
Anyway - some little healthy voice inside you is finally piping up enough to be heard.
Listen.
Take it easy - little steps. Don't fret yet about debt and finances. Just start educating yourself (AlAnon a good place to start) and soon you will make a plan.... Hopefully you'll be on the road to recovering yourself soon!
Read lots of posts here on SR! There are some amazing wise people on here who have been in your shoes.
Peace,
B.
Glad to read your story and so glad that you posted. Sorry your situation sounds kinda grim.
I definitely suggest an AlAnon meeting. Give it a try. I know I found truly meaningful change in my life by working the program AlAnon recommends.
It helps you focus on your own problems/strengths. Then you can start behaving differently and making things happen for yourself in your life that are positive and what YOU want!
You sound so sweet- and a sexless marriage w/ an alcoholic 20yrs older than you? That's a disaster!! There's a great big fun world out there and men who are not addicts/alcoholics who you can have a decent relationship with ( includes SEX!!!) a glass of wine with and not have anxiety about that. You were smart not to have children with this guy!
A hallmark of co-dependent behavior is making excuses for the alcoholic in our minds. It's called denial. I always try to look at the situation, remove the alcohol from the picture, and then think : would this be OK? Like pretend your hubby didn't drink. And you never had sex. NOT OK!! And he couldn't get it together to get another part time job when you guys obviously need the dough. NOT OK.
Anyway - some little healthy voice inside you is finally piping up enough to be heard.
Listen.
Take it easy - little steps. Don't fret yet about debt and finances. Just start educating yourself (AlAnon a good place to start) and soon you will make a plan.... Hopefully you'll be on the road to recovering yourself soon!
Read lots of posts here on SR! There are some amazing wise people on here who have been in your shoes.
Peace,
B.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome ...
Before you decide on your future please consult
a local lawyer as to the mutual debts and assets.
Laws vary from state to state
Some lawyers allow a free first visit.
Before you decide on your future please consult
a local lawyer as to the mutual debts and assets.
Laws vary from state to state
Some lawyers allow a free first visit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
I want to say welcome and you are asking good questions.
Al-anon can be a huge help. Not because they will tell you what to do or pressure you in any way, but you will get to hear how other people deal with similar issues and learn to decide what path is right for you.
That approach made it possible for me to take in what I needed to hear and act in my own best interest. It saved my life. Now I'm accustomed to that process, but at first I found it foreign and scary and comforting all at the same time.
I wish you good luck and hope you will keep posting.
Al-anon can be a huge help. Not because they will tell you what to do or pressure you in any way, but you will get to hear how other people deal with similar issues and learn to decide what path is right for you.
That approach made it possible for me to take in what I needed to hear and act in my own best interest. It saved my life. Now I'm accustomed to that process, but at first I found it foreign and scary and comforting all at the same time.
I wish you good luck and hope you will keep posting.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Welcome. I hope you find this place as helpful as I have.
Consult with an attorney and find out what your rights and responsibilities are in your state. Getting information lets you plan and act froma position of knowledge and strength.
I don't go to AlAnon but I do know many in here swear by it and have found it very helpful to them.
No, you don't have it give it up if you don't want to. No, drinking yourself doesn't make you a hypocrite. You are not an alcoholic. Now, if you AH works towards recovery, you might want to not drink around him if that helps him but it sounds like you are a long way from that being the situation.
Keep on positng and reading. You will find lots of great information and support in here.
[/QUOTE]
Originally Posted by iluvmyminpins 
-We are heavily into debt (50k.) With him making so little money (22k/year), does that mean I would be responsible for all of the debt? I make a little over 40k per year. We do own a house, but don't have a ton of equity in it (maybe 7% of what we could sell it for.)
Originally Posted by iluvmyminpins
--What is an al-anon meeting like? I think it would be good for me, but scared to take that first step. Like everyone, I am pissed that I am not the alcoholic, yet I have to go to meetings, counseling, etc. Feel like he should be the one going. Uh.
Originally Posted by iluvmyminpins
--I like to have a glass of wine with dinner or go out with friends on the weekends and have some beers. Is there anyway for me to still enjoy these things or do I have to give that up to avoid being a hypocrite?
Keep on positng and reading. You will find lots of great information and support in here.
[/QUOTE]
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 9
Thank you so much
I appreciate everyone's candor and advice.
I am going to an al-anon meeting tomorrow and have a meeting on Friday with a lawyer.
Today is his day off again. I came home after work, he is passed out on the coach and our two tiny dogs are outside barking for God knows how long, and the back door is wide open.
Last night I slept in the guest bed and barely spoke with him. I know I can't, but I just wish I could "punish" him for hurting me.
Thanks again. I will post more in the future.
I am going to an al-anon meeting tomorrow and have a meeting on Friday with a lawyer.
Today is his day off again. I came home after work, he is passed out on the coach and our two tiny dogs are outside barking for God knows how long, and the back door is wide open.
Last night I slept in the guest bed and barely spoke with him. I know I can't, but I just wish I could "punish" him for hurting me.
Thanks again. I will post more in the future.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 59
Hey hang in there. You know I go to Al-Anon (not religiously) but every once in a while and find it a bit helpful. Some people swear by it but whatever you do make sure to go to at least 3-4 meetings and go to some different ones to find out if you like some better than others. Sometimes just the dynamic of the group can make all the difference. Regardless you take what you like form it and leave the rest behind. That's what they always tell you and its true I feel. You know stopping drinking is something I chose to do to set an example for my AW. I find it helpful because she can never use me as an excuse to do it. "You drink so I can too" and that kind of garbage. Its just a choice I made, it doesn't mean you are wrong for enjoying a drink responsibley here and there. Its your choice. Hang in there. You're taking the right steps with this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 9
Since my first post, I've attended my first Al-Anon meeting and met with an attorney.
Al-anon meeting was pretty good. I will definitely go again.
Meeting with the attorney was helpful. A divorce would not be as expensive as I feared (hoping he does not contest it.)
Today was a rough day. He worked his normal 4 hour shift, came home and began drinking. I asked if he wanted to do anything (it's Saturday night!) and he said he wanted to watch basketball. Fine. I got bored and went shopping.
I was gone for an hour and half or so. Came home and he was gone. Went to visit his mom who is in assisted living/hospice care. I notice all of the empty beer can lying around and though "great, he's out driving around drunk." He came home and I told him that I was going to see some friends.
He got angry with me. Asked me what was going on. I told him I would talk to him in the morning (I have learned not to try and have a conversation when he is drinking.) He persisted and asked me if I wanted a divorce. Exasperated, I said, yes, I do want a divorce. He proceeded to belittle me and tell me that I was a looser and a "trainwreck." Knowing there was no hope for rationalizing, getting through to him, or having a pleasant evening, I left and went to my friends.
Tomorrow is d-day. I want to tell him I want a divorce. I don't know how else I can be happy, but to move on my life. I am so scared. I feel so guilty.
I want him to get help so badly, but I don't want to force him into it. My dad tells me I should tell him to "get help" or else. But I think that would be ME making him get help, not him doing it on his own accord.
I have gained at least 60 pounds since I've been with him. I am not taking care of myself. Been to busy worrying about him and trying to ignore the big "A".
Anyway, that's my situation right now. I am happy I found this community, happy to read other's stories, and to have feedback and support from everyone here. :ghug2
Al-anon meeting was pretty good. I will definitely go again.
Meeting with the attorney was helpful. A divorce would not be as expensive as I feared (hoping he does not contest it.)
Today was a rough day. He worked his normal 4 hour shift, came home and began drinking. I asked if he wanted to do anything (it's Saturday night!) and he said he wanted to watch basketball. Fine. I got bored and went shopping.
I was gone for an hour and half or so. Came home and he was gone. Went to visit his mom who is in assisted living/hospice care. I notice all of the empty beer can lying around and though "great, he's out driving around drunk." He came home and I told him that I was going to see some friends.
He got angry with me. Asked me what was going on. I told him I would talk to him in the morning (I have learned not to try and have a conversation when he is drinking.) He persisted and asked me if I wanted a divorce. Exasperated, I said, yes, I do want a divorce. He proceeded to belittle me and tell me that I was a looser and a "trainwreck." Knowing there was no hope for rationalizing, getting through to him, or having a pleasant evening, I left and went to my friends.
Tomorrow is d-day. I want to tell him I want a divorce. I don't know how else I can be happy, but to move on my life. I am so scared. I feel so guilty.
I want him to get help so badly, but I don't want to force him into it. My dad tells me I should tell him to "get help" or else. But I think that would be ME making him get help, not him doing it on his own accord.
I have gained at least 60 pounds since I've been with him. I am not taking care of myself. Been to busy worrying about him and trying to ignore the big "A".
Anyway, that's my situation right now. I am happy I found this community, happy to read other's stories, and to have feedback and support from everyone here. :ghug2
play the tape all the way thru
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 480
I'm sorry to hear you're having to deal with this..Although it sounds like you've got the ball rolling and sounds like you know what you want.
I'm in a similiar situation, although not married, in the process of leaving abf. Sounds like your AH is trying to manipulate you and put all the blame on you. A's are good at that.
Tonight I noticed abf had a pamplet from AA downstairs, and I thought to myself, hmmm maybe he has been listening to me. Who am I kidding, he came home tonight after drinking at his Dads. He then proceeded to tell me the reason he isn't "pleading or begging for me to stay" is because I can't accept his friends and family (they are all addicts or alcoholics)
I know it's difficult to be in this situation, but until he's willing to get help the only thing you can do is take care of you. Even if he were to get help its a long and rocky road...
:ghug3
I'm in a similiar situation, although not married, in the process of leaving abf. Sounds like your AH is trying to manipulate you and put all the blame on you. A's are good at that.
Tonight I noticed abf had a pamplet from AA downstairs, and I thought to myself, hmmm maybe he has been listening to me. Who am I kidding, he came home tonight after drinking at his Dads. He then proceeded to tell me the reason he isn't "pleading or begging for me to stay" is because I can't accept his friends and family (they are all addicts or alcoholics)
I know it's difficult to be in this situation, but until he's willing to get help the only thing you can do is take care of you. Even if he were to get help its a long and rocky road...
:ghug3
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 9
I wanted to update this thread I started almost 3 years ago as much as changed. I occasionally visit SR and see so many similar posts to mine.
My divorce was finalized on Tuesday. The last three years have been difficult for me as my XAH spiraled out of control. His mother and best friend died within 6 months of each other and he turned to alcohol for comfort. His denial and meanness towards me grew and grew. His desire to do anything productive with his life diminished. I began finding large bottles of vodka in his car and in various hiding place around the house. He was drinking liters of vodka + countless beers daily. He started to get the shakes in the morning and his blackouts became scarier to watch. I begged him to get help. Our fights grew worse and worse.
Last year I decided I had had enough. I decided to move out. I told him he would need to go to rehab and begin couples counseling with me before I could consider moving back in. It was hard because I had to move back in with my mother and no grown woman wants to move back in with her mother! He made some shallow promises but never got any help.
I filed for divorce in May of 2010. Since we own a home, we had to decide what to do with that. I tried to sell it since that would have been most fair but was unsuccessful so I felt I had no choice but to ask the court to give the house to me (I had been paying half the mortgage since he couldn't afford it on his own.) XAH did not hire a lawyer or file a response to the court so the judge ruled in my favor and gave me a default judgment. XAH didn't even come to court yet is livid with me. He has to leave the house in 14 days and he has told me he will make that process as difficult as possible.
I am very proud of myself for being strong, brave, and resolute to not be treated like dirt. Despite being worried about money and at times feeling tremendous amounts of guilt, I refused to give up on my life and be in a unhappy, dysfunctional marriage. I can't predict what is going to happen as far as him vacating the house. He is starting to have health problems involving his liver and I have a sinking feeling about where he is headed. I truly wish him the best and would drive him to rehab in a heartbeat. I will always love him and will treasure the happy times.
Looking forward, I realize I need to start attending Al-Anon again as while I am resolute, I do feel myself feeling guilty and moving back into my house and the drama involved will be difficult and I want to make sure I never fall into another codependent relationship.
To anyone just finding this site, please make your life and your happiness your priority. Remember the 3 C's. Find a good counselor. Join a gym for the endorphin boost (I also lost about 60 pounds in the last 2 years because of my focus on me.) Read Codependent No more by Melody Beatty. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
My divorce was finalized on Tuesday. The last three years have been difficult for me as my XAH spiraled out of control. His mother and best friend died within 6 months of each other and he turned to alcohol for comfort. His denial and meanness towards me grew and grew. His desire to do anything productive with his life diminished. I began finding large bottles of vodka in his car and in various hiding place around the house. He was drinking liters of vodka + countless beers daily. He started to get the shakes in the morning and his blackouts became scarier to watch. I begged him to get help. Our fights grew worse and worse.
Last year I decided I had had enough. I decided to move out. I told him he would need to go to rehab and begin couples counseling with me before I could consider moving back in. It was hard because I had to move back in with my mother and no grown woman wants to move back in with her mother! He made some shallow promises but never got any help.
I filed for divorce in May of 2010. Since we own a home, we had to decide what to do with that. I tried to sell it since that would have been most fair but was unsuccessful so I felt I had no choice but to ask the court to give the house to me (I had been paying half the mortgage since he couldn't afford it on his own.) XAH did not hire a lawyer or file a response to the court so the judge ruled in my favor and gave me a default judgment. XAH didn't even come to court yet is livid with me. He has to leave the house in 14 days and he has told me he will make that process as difficult as possible.
I am very proud of myself for being strong, brave, and resolute to not be treated like dirt. Despite being worried about money and at times feeling tremendous amounts of guilt, I refused to give up on my life and be in a unhappy, dysfunctional marriage. I can't predict what is going to happen as far as him vacating the house. He is starting to have health problems involving his liver and I have a sinking feeling about where he is headed. I truly wish him the best and would drive him to rehab in a heartbeat. I will always love him and will treasure the happy times.
Looking forward, I realize I need to start attending Al-Anon again as while I am resolute, I do feel myself feeling guilty and moving back into my house and the drama involved will be difficult and I want to make sure I never fall into another codependent relationship.
To anyone just finding this site, please make your life and your happiness your priority. Remember the 3 C's. Find a good counselor. Join a gym for the endorphin boost (I also lost about 60 pounds in the last 2 years because of my focus on me.) Read Codependent No more by Melody Beatty. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I am very proud of myself for being strong, brave, and resolute to not be treated like dirt. Despite being worried about money and at times feeling tremendous amounts of guilt, I refused to give up on my life and be in a unhappy, dysfunctional marriage
You sound SO different from your first post! You sound strong, capable, and determined -- and that is awesome!!!I don't know what the state law is where you live, but you might have the right to use state troopers to remove him from the house. That is, him -- not his stuff. You might have to pack that up and hire a moving company, but that's the easy part. Getting him to actually leave (remember to change the locks) is the hard part.
And I'm excited for the new life you have ahead of you! Thank you for coming back and updating, and for the strong encouragement!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
I'm new around here, but not new to the scene. I didn't catch the date on the first post. I was going to tell you to RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN, because it won't get any better.
But, I'm glad to see it finally had a happy ending. Best to you.
But, I'm glad to see it finally had a happy ending. Best to you.
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