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Should I send the footage?

Old 01-30-2011, 05:15 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Oh dear I have nothing to add but wanted to send you my support.

Please take care of yourself.

Phiz
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Old 01-30-2011, 05:34 AM
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It's up to you whether you want to press charges at this point (when the police respond, in our jurisdiction, and they observe visible injuries at the scene, arrest is mandatory, and prosecution is not optional). Think about what YOU want. You may well be right that AT THIS POINT it will only open another can of worms. You are in a place of safety now. You could still hold onto the video in the event of a future physical confrontation. Sometimes evidence of prior incidents is admissible to prove absence of mistake or accident, to prove intent to injure.

Think about what is best for you. If your only goal is to get others to "see the light" about him, I think I would pass.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:05 AM
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I initially bought the camera to show him who he really was. I thought seeing his own behavior would change him. How could he deny that? He went 54 days sober after that. However, the drinking crept back in slowly after that, with him initially attempting to hide it. The brand new video camera disappeared in this time and he had "no idea what happened to it." The abuse continued up until the night I left (the drinking too).
The night the police came (the only time I called, because I knew I would pay for it) he got down on his knees and put his hands behind his back waiting for them to arrest him as they walked in the door.

This immediately set the tone for the event. They went over and helped him up. They clearly felt immediate compassion for him. I had red marks all over me and he had a scratch on his forehead. I defended myself vehemently and would again. It's just built into me.

Since we "both" had marks, we both were going to jail or one of us had to leave the house. He was way too drunk, needless to say. So I left that night. I came back the next day. It started again, immediately much more aggression this time. I called my family and said, "I gotta get out of here today."

So my video footage is several months old. The police ask why not then? Why now? Because I believed he was sick. Because I believed I could wake him up. Because I believed alcohol was his primary problem.

Having said all that.......This excerpt from Luncy Bancroft's book can better explain me than I can........

"The abusive man's problem with anger is almost the opposite of what is commonly believed. The reality is : Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with your anger. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voices shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privlege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you-as will happen to any abused woman from time to time-he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are....Why does your partner react so strongly to your anger? On some level, he senses -though not consciously-that there is POWER in your anger. if you have space to feel and express your rage, you will be better able to hold on to your identity and to resist his suffocation of you. He tries to take your anger away in order to snuff out your capacity to resist his will. Finally, he perceives your anger as a challenge to his authority, to which he responds by overpowering you with anger that is greater than your own. In this way he ensures that he retains the exclusive right to be the one who shows anger."

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Old 01-30-2011, 08:22 AM
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Great quote, and I agree completely. It's right up there with dispelling the notion that rapists do it for the sex that they aren't getting. In both cases, it is completely about power and control.

I'm sorry the police didn't handle it differently when they came out. That certainly doesn't comport with the training we gave to police officers in our jurisdiction (I once helped to train police officers for DV response)--we trained them that under only the RAREST of circumstances (and ONLY after being advised by the police legal advisor to do so) would you arrest both parties in an incident. (Example: the victim of the assault was violating the assailant's restraining order--and in that situation it's critical to be sure the assailant wasn't defending him/herself.) The mere fact that both are exhibiting signs of injury means nothing if one party is acting in self-defense.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:50 AM
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So, PassionFruit, what you are saying then is that you are still angry?
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Old 01-30-2011, 09:36 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
Validation is all I've ever wanted.

Sending them the video will not make them see. They will not give you the validation you crave. They could rally around you and stone him in the street and it still wouldn't be enough to take away the anger, either. That kind of validation and forgiveness of your past can only come from within you.

Keep the video for your uses or for the police.

Congratulations on leaving such hell!

Alice
So well put! I've been in this situation once before but not with the A (at least not yet) - but what was most likely a Narcissist. I dreamed of letting his next wife know what he was like, and to warn her. In the end, he all but ruined her life (after 2 kids), and she even got an annulment after a 7 year marriage to him, to keep her good standing with the church. He liked to stay in contact with me occasionally, so I was able to see how it played out over the years. The story is longer and karma did get him, but it took me ALL OF THOSE YEARS to see this kind of karmic justice and to realize that NOTHING I could ever have done would have convinced her or the next victim of his mental cruelty, cheating, lying and Narcissistic tendencies. They had to find out on their own. It also helped me to finally let go of believing it was ME - but I'm sorry I had to wait that long to feel the relief. What a waste!

You are VERY fortunate to be away from this man and his violence and insanity. If you could take my word for it, please don't waste another moment thinking about the 'smear campaign' he will use to make it seem as though you are the one at fault. Also, other than as most posters here are telling you to keep copies of that video for the proper purposes - which is excellent advice, please use that footage to remind your own self, daily, that you were the unfortunate victim of this man. Karma will bite him, sooner or later, and it won't necessarily be because of you, but you can be sure that he will get his.

Focus on YOU - and all the good things you now have to live for - just being away from this poison. I wasted far too much time, waiting for validation in thinking that it was because I wasn't good enough for this man and the hard lesson I learned was how much time I allowed him to 'rent space in my head'. I could have been focusing on my future - but because at the time I had such low self esteem, I went right into the arms of an alcoholic instead, and have wasted another 14 years.
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Old 01-30-2011, 10:10 AM
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Good for you for getting out!

I often want to manage how my AH acts or want to "out" his real self to his family.

My therapist calls this a reflected sense of self.

I don't feel valididated. I want him and others to say, "Yes, you're doing the right thing. Yes, he's acting like a jerk. Yes, he has an addiction. Yes, you have a right to leave...etc."

My own self esteem is shaky, so I want it validated outside myself. It's why so many of us essentially want permission from the abuser to leave them - because we can't find our own permission.

When I finally took back all my swirling, angry, frustrated, righteous, hurt crazy energy I was giving to him and worrying over him, I got it back, to do with what I will! I use it for working on me and exercise and play.
Ahh, so much more peace.

Part of my struggle is I am frustrated that it's NOT RIGHT. It's NOT RIGHT that he threw away a lovely marriage for hiding and lying and drink. It's NOT RIGHT if he tells others I am a jerk to him. It's not right he can get away with skirting all responsibility! That is super frustrating!!

And then I reflect that all the above is my desire to control. The funny thing is I want to control FOR GOOD! I want him to be a better person. I want us to have a better relationship. And if he just followed my advice...
LOL! You can see where that goes! Control is control and it connects to my inability to have things be as they are.

Maybe you don't want to fix him, maybe you just want to punish him, or make him see, or make him stop.

All of that is control.

I don't meant that in a negative way! I do a TON of it myself.

It would make me feel more good and safe in the world if my AH wasn't playing mind games or abusing himself with alcohol or being a snot to me.

Unfortunately, or fortunately, he is.
And your AH has big issues and is denying and blaming.

It is so.

The more you can accept him for what he is...not to condemn him or judge him, but just to accept he IS that man that is so frustrating and dangerous, the more you can take your energy back.

You don't want all that in your life (obviously since it frustrates you and you left - yay!), so stop allowing him the permission to waste so much of your precious mind energy on him and his friends and family and fill the space with peace.

Validate you. Remind yourself that YOU know the truth and THAT is the most important thing.

Let me say that again.

YOU know the truth and THAT is the most important thing.

:ghug3
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Old 01-30-2011, 11:43 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Its taken me a long time, but I feel closer to not really caring who knows what, in terms of his family and friends.
Truth is, he did attack me, he blamed me, he still scapegoats me, and so does his family, to a degree.
I think he did harm you, and you know that and you have removed yourself. I would keep it.
These people "know" somewhere in there. You cannot be sure what they think, and they may also be afraid of him. I have seen many people overlook bad, even criminal behavior in people to preserve how ever that person serves their needs or their life or their denial.
Look at Ben Roethlisberger. He is definitely, to some degree, guilty of some kind of boundary invasion, and according to his victim, a ful out sexual assault.
People want to go to the super bowl.
Its a shallow comparison, but, it is a true one.

You can only control what you think, what you do.
I would not send it to his family or friends. I would keep it, and if he ever gives you trouble again, please use it as evidence to get a PFA.
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Old 01-31-2011, 06:59 PM
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Not today.........may change tomorrow....lol


I feel sorry for him today....much worse than anger.....because when he calls and says he sober for 5 days now....he recognizes that he fell away from God, and he even acknowledges that he was abusive.....it makes me weak, though I have yet to conceed.

I agreed to hold off filing for divorce for a while meanwhile he agreed to read the Lundy
Bancroft book about abusive and controlling men...........

Another manipulation? probably..........

How do you ever tell the difference? How will I ever know if he has really changed?

Wait 6 months.........watch? I think because abusive men reserve it for only the women they are serious about, i will never know without moving back in.....which I have no intention of doing...........So how do I ever know without putting myself back into the same situation???? I can't see a way.........

He still refuses counseling.........but keeps telling me he will finally go to church with me............

I think the counseling is an indication of faking change......because that would bring into the light his darkness.........
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Old 01-31-2011, 07:07 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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He's manipulating you. Please, please don't minimize the abuse he perpetrated on you. If he'll do it once, he'll do it again. That is a promise. But, he didn't just do it one time, did he? He did it multiple times. THAT is how you know he won't change and if you start giving in, he's going to keep on manipulating you.

The very best thing you can do is go no contact. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no nothing! It just doesn't sound like you are strong enough yet to be listening to his quacking. I really do fear for you, hon.
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Old 01-31-2011, 10:29 PM
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What kind of s**thole town is it that the cops would treat you like that? Fact is that most cops get paid jack and are not very educated. In my area they get paid under $25000 per year so that tell you something.

As I think about it more, I think that you should talk with an attorney and see about providing that video in a court case against him. These guys rarely act like that with one woman. He has probably done it before and will do it again. You have been smart enough to get out. Maybe your video will help get him the help and enforcement he needs to get better. Maybe it will keep you safer. Talk to the DV (domestic violence) department at the courts and hear their advice. We are rooting for you!
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Old 01-31-2011, 10:36 PM
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He's a sociopath or psychopath (same thing.) 100% of them are great liars. He picked you because he saw weakness in you. You're not weak anymore, but he will always be a sociopath.

Read the book The Sociopath Next Door. It's really good.
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