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Old 01-26-2011, 08:00 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by grizz View Post
thanks for all the replies. Last night was a first...after the bottle of wine and telling us she us she is doing better because she is drinking lower Alcohol content wine (is this quacking?) she started in on a glass of Vodka. She has never been a hard liquor drinker so we shall see if this is a one time deal or the first of a new chapter. I wont go into it, but the rest of the night was horrible. Finally got to bed after midnight and up for work at 4:30...what a drag.

grizz
You bring back fond memories for me. Not. I can't count the times I drove a heavy truck, full of explosive materials, on a 12 hour round trip run, on 2-3 hours of fitful sleep. It's a blessing I never killed anyone.

I actually suggested to my axw that she should switch from beer to vodka in the interest of efficiency. At 5'4" and 100lbs (was on a pure liquid wheat and barley diet) she'd drink 20-30 beers a day and wouldn't afford me the courtesy of passing out.

Do the math, a case of beer is around $15 vs $10 for a big ole jug of rotgut vodka. BTW, many may argue that expensive vodka tastes better than rotgut. Pfft, let's be honest here, it all tastes like ass. Any way, the BJV would let her squeeze in 2 drunks a day, for 2-3 days. Clearly a sound financial decision.

She'd start a soon as I'd leave for work, pass out, wake up, start again, pass out again. Saved a lot of money, plus I didn't have a nasty drunk in my face all evening. I say win/win.

I don't recommend this approach for everyone, but it worked for me.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Al-Anon will help. Take me for example, I was way more sarcastic before. Ha!
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Old 01-26-2011, 08:37 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by grizz View Post
thanks for all the replies. Last night was a first...after the bottle of wine and telling us she us she is doing better because she is drinking lower Alcohol content wine (is this quacking?) she started in on a glass of Vodka. She has never been a hard liquor drinker so we shall see if this is a one time deal or the first of a new chapter. I wont go into it, but the rest of the night was horrible. Finally got to bed after midnight and up for work at 4:30...what a drag.

grizz
Damn! Like Coyote, this brings back some memories. My AW used to do this out of spite. Boy did it work me over.
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Old 01-27-2011, 09:13 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Welcome.

I'm sorry to hear about your wife's drinking. What I like about this site, is you can hear other stories that are similar. Like mine.

My wife and I fell in love drinking together and just "having fun" in our mid-20's.

She started drinking more and more over the first 5 years - it was beer, then Zima, then mixers, and then the ultimate killer - Vodka.

It just got worse and worse. I got used to the new "normal", like the passing out, the excuses, the hiding, the lying, the minimizing -- until life just turned into one big embarrassing situation where my wife was under some influence of alcohol, all the time!

I became an expert at patience, tolerance, forgiveness, and long suffering. I thought about my marriage vows and stuck it out "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse". My family and friends have supported me through the mental and emotional trauma of 6 hospitalizations, accidents, and other assorted nightmares -- and they basically feel sorry for me.

I feel sorry for me. And I feel sorry for my wife, who started out with "normal" drinking in the early years...and now she is 41 years old and she has been diagnosed with cirrhosis, hepatitis, etc.

Some of the happiest moment of my life have been when she just got out of detox (5 times all together over 10 years) and she is sober and sweet -- the girl I fell in love with.

But long story short, she's presently drinking more than ever, she has taken up with other men and has been unfaithful, and I am finally calling it quits. Divorce papers filed this week -- she should be getting served tomorrow. And I'm scared to death because I don't know what's going to happen.

I learned a lot from Al Anon at your stage of the game. It helped. The concept of detachment -- where you step back and look at the person at a healthy distance, keeping control of your own thoughts and emotions, that is an excellent survival technique.

Pray. Read these stories on this site. They are all true and it boggles the mind how hard good men and women try, to love these alcoholics. I've pretty much given up on mine, although it did take 16 years of marriage and 10+ years of chaos.

Blessings and best wishes!
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Old 01-28-2011, 11:07 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I want to all to know how much I appreciate all the responses. Keep them coming because I have been learning a ton of stuff. I have learned that I am not alone in this road that I am traveling. I have learned that there are a lot of you that have it much worse than I do. So I hope that you dont think of me as a goodie two shoes when I say I hope that I never do have it that bad. Sadly though it sounds like I am heading down that path.

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Old 01-28-2011, 04:09 PM
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Not trying to be a downer, but I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time she had a glass of vodka...it might just be the first time she did it more openly. When I began challenging my AW about her behavior and setting boundaries, her initial reaction was to throw as much of it back in my face as possible to see what I would do.
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Old 01-28-2011, 04:38 PM
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i wanna add my QUACKER!!
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Old 01-28-2011, 09:49 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Having lived with an alcoholic wife for the last 20 years, your story sounds very familiar. We seem to be the same, you and I. The alcoholics behavior is very predictable. And the non-alcoholic spouse is just as predictable. We hope, we soul search, we think perhaps it is our fault. But it is not. It is the alcoholics fault. We stay because we love them. But normal people would not stay with an alcoholic. We help them drink more by being around to pick up the pieces. It's what we do. It is similar to a parasite and a host.

My wife progressed to 2+ bottles of wine a day. Passed out on the couch most every night. But she didn't have a problem. She was just tired, she would say. She never really drank much more than 2 bottles. Occasionally 3. She would never admit to that much. She would always say she only drank a couple glasses. I have calculated that she has spent approximately $100,000 of the dollars I have earned in the last 20 years on alcohol. She has not worked since we married. Pretty good gig. This is your future.

My kids and I tried everything. Nothing worked. NOTHING. Let me say that again. Nothing worked. No amount of reasoning with an unreasonable person will make them reasonable.

She will not get better because you ask. And you will spend lots of time trying track consumption and somehow quantify it. This seems to be something we do to try and find the "truth". The truth is the alcoholic spouse drinks and lies very well.

Perhaps my short story is a glimpse into your future. Not pretty. But pretty accurate from where I sit.
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Old 01-28-2011, 11:04 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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My experience

Grizz,
My AH started drinking heavily when she suffered a pretty serious personal crisis, a half bottle a night. Not every night, but often. Over the next 15 years this progressed. Eventually a bottle a day or more. She got so good at hiding her drinking that I sometimes thought that it was kind of a minor miracle that one minute she'd appear to be sober and the next minute she'd be smashed. She had medical problems. She had trouble sleeping. She started missing work so she could stay home and drink.
I hit my bottom about the time she hit hers. I was sick, tired, frustrated and saw everything we owned just slipping away. My AH was on a 13 day bender...I hadn't seen her awake or sober in all that time. I think that it was entirely possible that she might have just faded away, lying there drunk on the couch. For some reason, instead of just walking away...for the first time I reached out for help.
And it was kind of like a miracle, but once I asked for help, people were there to give it to me. Rehab and nine months later we're both better. Much better. She embraced AA, I embraced Al-Anon. For me at least, it really works.
If you feel like you're going a little crazy, well, you probably are. That's what living with an alcoholic does to us. I really recommend Al-Anon. It's free therapy. And it's a gentle program. You'll find people that understand exactly what you're going through. They won't judge you. It's not a religious program (but it is a spiritual program). Give it a try, 6 meetings is a good way to really start to understand what's going on there. And it will help whether your AH is drinking or not.
Good luck to you.
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Old 01-29-2011, 06:43 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mattmathews View Post
If you feel like you're going a little crazy, well, you probably are. That's what living with an alcoholic does to us. I really recommend Al-Anon. It's free therapy. And it's a gentle program. You'll find people that understand exactly what you're going through. They won't judge you. It's not a religious program (but it is a spiritual program). Give it a try, 6 meetings is a good way to really start to understand what's going on there. And it will help whether your AH is drinking or not.
Good luck to you.
Very well said, thank you MM.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:11 AM
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Originally Posted by jayscott View Post
Not trying to be a downer, but I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time she had a glass of vodka...it might just be the first time she did it more openly.
True. The smell of wine would mask the more subtle scent of vodka quite effectively. I used to drink vodka to "boost" what I was drinking openly.
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Old 01-29-2011, 07:38 AM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
BTW, many may argue that expensive vodka tastes better than rotgut. Pfft, let's be honest here, it all tastes like ass.
so true, so true...
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Old 01-31-2011, 02:55 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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I must say that I am blown away by all the kindness. I have not been able to share my experience with but one good friend and this site makes it easier to know that I am indeed not alone. My wife and I have been together 27years. I have been with her longer than I have been without her and I am determined to see it through. Reading through the posts I realize there is no simple path to all this. Her progression is slower than some and faster than others. I am learning not to beat my head against the wall trying to fix it. The three "C's" have helped a lot. Since this new normal has started later in life for me (40's) I dunno. Just going to hang in there and see what happens next


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Old 01-31-2011, 02:57 PM
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Hang tough brother.
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Old 01-31-2011, 11:48 PM
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You are my age, you've been with her a lot longer than I've been with AW, but you are new to alcoholism. It is progressive and will get worse. She'll die or she'll find recovery, but she will not find recovery at all if she continues to have a place to sleep and eat with no consequences for her drinking. In my opinion, and my opinion only, the only chance she has is for you to raise her bottom and kick her out of the house and stop supporting her, stop helping her have the resources to buy liquor, and stop cleaning up her messes. If you can't, then you have to move. If you can't do either, then put on your seatbelt my friend, and hope you survive the crash (or not).

Sorry to be so blunt.

Cyranoak
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:24 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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...just going to hang in there and see what happens next.

Those words represent the motto and theme of my life for more than 10 years. What happened next in my case? Hospital visits, accidents, a revolving door of new "friends", stress, worry, and disfunctional chaos.

While I kept a smile on my face, tried to count my blessings (friends, family, business, health, etc.) -- waiting to see what happens next.

Then it just got SO bad that I got fed up and filed for divorce. This past Friday she was served with papers and she's been moved out for 2 weeks. Sad but peaceful.

I wish you all the best, you will be a survivor one way or the other.



Blessings!
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Old 02-02-2011, 06:51 AM
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Thanks again for the replies,
Life has gotten into a certain routine, but it is manageable. my AW isnt the type that gets mean or angry 90% time. Mostly she just hangs out, sometimes talks about things that dont quite make sense, or fallls asleep. I know this is progressive, but for now it seems to have leveled off. But as I am becoming more aware through this site I have a better handle of what to look for. When things go south my main objective is to protect the kids from being in the line of fire. they are older now, but (of course) it drives them nuts too.

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Old 02-02-2011, 08:58 AM
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I've found in the moments of "leveling" or quiet times that I find more time for myself. So what are you doing for you today?
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:09 AM
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Been doing some tinkering in the gararage. Hopefully motorcycle riding will start soon. I got some snowshoes for Christmas and am itching to head up to the mountains to give them a try.

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Old 02-02-2011, 09:16 AM
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Hey Grizz,

Sorry to hear about what you are going through. But as you can see, you are not alone. Take good care of yourself!

Best, HG
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Old 02-02-2011, 09:23 AM
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Originally Posted by grizz View Post
...I got some snowshoes for Christmas and am itching to head up to the mountains to give them a try.

grizz
Cool. Watch out for the Grizzlies, Mr. Glass.
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