boundaries red flags and homocidal tendencies
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
boundaries red flags and homocidal tendencies
Ok well I've ignored red flags again, to the point where I am in a professional business relationship with a lunatic who blameshifts, rages and accuses me of doing exactly what she does. It's crazy making stuff. I keep overlooking it, keep trying to just be a good friend, a good partner, but this is the last straw.
yesterday we were talking about a video project for our newspaper and I told her, this will take longer than you think, and she freaked out on me, like she always does, when she thinks I'm trying to belittle her.
Any indication that I am trying to tell her something she already knows and she has these meltdowns-says I'm treating her like a child. It's impossible to do business with her because he personal issues get in the way.
I need to be very careful. I need to print out her latest emails and remember, every day, that she is not a friend to me. Not to be trusted. This is my fault, I have seen red flags, seen how she treats everyone else and discounted it
She sent me a long email detailing all of her resentments, and it is JUST ******* LIKE AH. She thinks things about me that are horrible, twist everything around to make her the victim.
She sent me an email today detailing every conversation we've had in the last few months when I confided in her about my AH, how bad I feel at times for my kids, all sorts of personal stuff. Literally made bullet points about everything I've said to her! And threw them all back at me as if there is something wrong with me.
Realistically, she is the single most selfish narcisstic person I know. She interrupts people when they talk, rages at me when I try to tell her something she already knows and accuses me of treating her like a child. It's bizarre and I usually just turn away from it--otherwise known as living in denial--and try to go on with my day.
I'm so angry. Stunned. I had no idea she was taking such good notes, to spit my personal problems back at me like this. She has called me every day since I met her and talked about her life, her boyfriend, called me hysterical from a hotel room when her boyfriend broke up with her. I've talked her down from so many hysterical situations.
i had no idea she was this narcissistic. I feel betrayed, but need to take action to protect myself. I know myself and I will forgive and try to forget but I need to end this right now.
I don't know if she is an A or drug addict but this feels exactly like it did when I was living with AH- she blameshifts and accuses me of doing what she is doing. It's crazy making ****.
thanks for letting me rant. I really feel violated and attacked and am worried about my finances now.
yesterday we were talking about a video project for our newspaper and I told her, this will take longer than you think, and she freaked out on me, like she always does, when she thinks I'm trying to belittle her.
Any indication that I am trying to tell her something she already knows and she has these meltdowns-says I'm treating her like a child. It's impossible to do business with her because he personal issues get in the way.
I need to be very careful. I need to print out her latest emails and remember, every day, that she is not a friend to me. Not to be trusted. This is my fault, I have seen red flags, seen how she treats everyone else and discounted it
She sent me a long email detailing all of her resentments, and it is JUST ******* LIKE AH. She thinks things about me that are horrible, twist everything around to make her the victim.
She sent me an email today detailing every conversation we've had in the last few months when I confided in her about my AH, how bad I feel at times for my kids, all sorts of personal stuff. Literally made bullet points about everything I've said to her! And threw them all back at me as if there is something wrong with me.
Realistically, she is the single most selfish narcisstic person I know. She interrupts people when they talk, rages at me when I try to tell her something she already knows and accuses me of treating her like a child. It's bizarre and I usually just turn away from it--otherwise known as living in denial--and try to go on with my day.
I'm so angry. Stunned. I had no idea she was taking such good notes, to spit my personal problems back at me like this. She has called me every day since I met her and talked about her life, her boyfriend, called me hysterical from a hotel room when her boyfriend broke up with her. I've talked her down from so many hysterical situations.
i had no idea she was this narcissistic. I feel betrayed, but need to take action to protect myself. I know myself and I will forgive and try to forget but I need to end this right now.
I don't know if she is an A or drug addict but this feels exactly like it did when I was living with AH- she blameshifts and accuses me of doing what she is doing. It's crazy making ****.
thanks for letting me rant. I really feel violated and attacked and am worried about my finances now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
transformie--sorry about this. I had a looney tune like this who turned on me so fast it made my head spin (all because I finally answered the phone after she had called my work phone and cell phone about 20 times in 10 minutes and told her I was working and would she please stop calling because I needed to get work done).
She sounds like a twin to the person you are talking about. Sent me a long email making herself out to be the best friend on the planet and it is her fault because she expects people to treat her the same way she treats them. I always wondered if she figured out the reason she has notfriends is because no one wants to be around her. I cut her slack because I knew she is an ACoA and many of her behaviors were due to that--but she chose not to seek treatment.
I was able to just walk away. Did not even feel guilty about it. You are in a different situation since your are tied together in the business. Anyway you can find someone else to replace her?
She sounds like a twin to the person you are talking about. Sent me a long email making herself out to be the best friend on the planet and it is her fault because she expects people to treat her the same way she treats them. I always wondered if she figured out the reason she has notfriends is because no one wants to be around her. I cut her slack because I knew she is an ACoA and many of her behaviors were due to that--but she chose not to seek treatment.
I was able to just walk away. Did not even feel guilty about it. You are in a different situation since your are tied together in the business. Anyway you can find someone else to replace her?
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
transformie, the first thing that popped into my head......was to be thankful you're not married to her!
Seriously, though, I suggest you contact www.score.org SCORE, mentors to America's small business, is a nonprofit association dedicated to educating entrepreneurs and
helping small business start, grow and succeed nationwide. SCORE is a resource partner with the U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA).
******************************
Seriously, though, I suggest you contact www.score.org SCORE, mentors to America's small business, is a nonprofit association dedicated to educating entrepreneurs and
helping small business start, grow and succeed nationwide. SCORE is a resource partner with the U.S. Small Business Administration (SBA).
******************************
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 290
So sorry to hear that there is yet another business partner that is not working out, Transform. Don't have any wise words, just wanted to say I know what it feels like when you think you can trust someone as a friend and then they turn around and stab you in the back, using what you had told them in confidence against you. If she wasn't your business partner, I'd say let it go and move forward without her, but unfortunately that's not that easy if you are in business together 
BIG HUGS... I know you will figure out a way to deal with this!!!
BIG HUGS... I know you will figure out a way to deal with this!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
her behavior sounds bizarre, transform.
it must be so difficult to deal with someone like this. i mean, you wait for the next bomb to drop on you.
i wonder if she has a personality disorder. yes, narcissistic or borderline.
i think there is a web site called "out of the fog".
FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt you feel when dealing with her.
Typically, they think everyone else is wrong and will not get treatment. If they do seek treatment, it is a long and arduous task, with a lot of failures.
Keep your life to yourself, as you see, she will use it against you.
What a shame transform, I hope you can replace her some way.
Beth
it must be so difficult to deal with someone like this. i mean, you wait for the next bomb to drop on you.
i wonder if she has a personality disorder. yes, narcissistic or borderline.
i think there is a web site called "out of the fog".
FOG - Fear Obligation and Guilt you feel when dealing with her.
Typically, they think everyone else is wrong and will not get treatment. If they do seek treatment, it is a long and arduous task, with a lot of failures.
Keep your life to yourself, as you see, she will use it against you.
What a shame transform, I hope you can replace her some way.
Beth
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks Hoopie.
I've been by her side numerous times when she's gloated in "doing the right thing now so we can f#$& them up later." so I'm working on not worrying about her possible retaliation. I am on deadline, of course, for the January issue of our paper so this is bad timing, but truthfully, she can't do anything else to me. I'll shovel driveways or do whatever I need to do. I won't fight with her anymore, no way.
I've been by her side numerous times when she's gloated in "doing the right thing now so we can f#$& them up later." so I'm working on not worrying about her possible retaliation. I am on deadline, of course, for the January issue of our paper so this is bad timing, but truthfully, she can't do anything else to me. I'll shovel driveways or do whatever I need to do. I won't fight with her anymore, no way.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks everyone. I will check out SCORE as I'm working on forming a non profit.
Yes, this describes her. She is also prone to giant fits, she has yelled, I WILL KILL YOU at me and others when they do something she doesn't like.
Both of her parents are attorneys, and her father is a RA, so I know she has ACOA issues.
I'm trying very hard to let this go, but I also need to keep in the front of my mind that she is not my friend and to not let her in any way back into my life.
Happy Cashier Lady, all the way.
Typically, they think everyone else is wrong and will not get treatment. If they do seek treatment, it is a long and arduous task, with a lot of failures.
Both of her parents are attorneys, and her father is a RA, so I know she has ACOA issues.
I'm trying very hard to let this go, but I also need to keep in the front of my mind that she is not my friend and to not let her in any way back into my life.
Happy Cashier Lady, all the way.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
OMG look at this! This is her all the way!
Symptoms
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
* Believing that you're better than others
* Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
* Exaggerating your achievements or talents
* Expecting constant praise and admiration
* Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
* Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
* Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
* Taking advantage of others
* Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
* Being jealous of others
* Believing that others are jealous of you
* Trouble keeping healthy relationships
* Setting unrealistic goals
* Being easily hurt and rejected
* Having a fragile self-esteem
* Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.
But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.
By Mayo Clinic staff
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by dramatic, emotional behavior, in the same category as antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Narcissistic personality disorder symptoms may include:
* Believing that you're better than others
* Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness
* Exaggerating your achievements or talents
* Expecting constant praise and admiration
* Believing that you're special and acting accordingly
* Failing to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
* Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans
* Taking advantage of others
* Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior
* Being jealous of others
* Believing that others are jealous of you
* Trouble keeping healthy relationships
* Setting unrealistic goals
* Being easily hurt and rejected
* Having a fragile self-esteem
* Appearing as tough-minded or unemotional
Although some features of narcissistic personality disorder may seem like having confidence or strong self-esteem, it's not the same. Narcissistic personality disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence and self-esteem into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal. In contrast, people who have healthy confidence and self-esteem don't value themselves more than they value others.
When you have narcissistic personality disorder, you may come across as conceited, boastful or pretentious. You often monopolize conversations. You may belittle or look down on people you perceive as inferior. You may have a sense of entitlement. And when you don't receive the special treatment to which you feel entitled, you may become very impatient or angry. You may insist on having "the best" of everything — the best car, athletic club, medical care or social circles, for instance.
But underneath all this behavior often lies a fragile self-esteem. You have trouble handling anything that may be perceived as criticism. You may have a sense of secret shame and humiliation. And in order to make yourself feel better, you may react with rage or contempt and efforts to belittle the other person to make yourself appear better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I know, it's scary how close it is to how you described her in the first post.
a non-profit? very cool transform. very cool.
i am excited for you lakota woman.
keep your cool around this crazy woman, because there is no reasoning there. none.
i am sorry you are dealing with another nutso.
but you are dealing well.
keep your dignity and let her do her crazy alone.
Beth
a non-profit? very cool transform. very cool.
i am excited for you lakota woman.
keep your cool around this crazy woman, because there is no reasoning there. none.
i am sorry you are dealing with another nutso.
but you are dealing well.
keep your dignity and let her do her crazy alone.
Beth
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
transformyself, you wrote "Thanks everyone. I will check out SCORE as I'm working on forming a non profit." I just want to clarify SCORE, itself, is a non-profit organization to help small business owners. That means they offer their services to you free to your small business. Your small business doesn't need to be a non-profit. They work off of federal grants.
Phoenix
Phoenix
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
thanks again everyone. I am really struggling with this. I question myself so much, she sent me a few emails after I told her I was done communicating with her on a personal level, telling me she loved me and I"m misconstruing what she said, that she was just mad.
I will not allow myself to be sucked back into this. , which we usually said to each other anyway, but to me it's another huge red flag. I'm sad, but observing myself and my impulses, which are to just try to patch things up with her. That whole try to figure out who is crazy and who is not thing is a real hook for me. But I think I've learned my lesson, thank you.
In the past, she has been able to look at her behavior, but only after horrible fighting, screaming and meltdown. I'm not her freaking therapist!
I will not allow myself to be sucked back into this. , which we usually said to each other anyway, but to me it's another huge red flag. I'm sad, but observing myself and my impulses, which are to just try to patch things up with her. That whole try to figure out who is crazy and who is not thing is a real hook for me. But I think I've learned my lesson, thank you.
In the past, she has been able to look at her behavior, but only after horrible fighting, screaming and meltdown. I'm not her freaking therapist!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am sorry Transform. I had a so-called friend go nutso on me a while back and when I was done with the whole thing over it..she said "but I only said all that the one time."
duh. so? what you are allowed 3 strikes before you are out? Nope. Below belt hits and personal blows are just telling me where you are at, how you think and what I can expect and why on earth would you expect to be able to get a free pass for treating someone so badly?
Someone wants to tell me they hate me? okay..go on then and find someone you like.
You are not crazy to choose not to allow someone to treat you poorly no matter what. I've no idea what to do in a business situation other than re-draw the circles, keep it business only and look for a plan B.
duh. so? what you are allowed 3 strikes before you are out? Nope. Below belt hits and personal blows are just telling me where you are at, how you think and what I can expect and why on earth would you expect to be able to get a free pass for treating someone so badly?
Someone wants to tell me they hate me? okay..go on then and find someone you like.
You are not crazy to choose not to allow someone to treat you poorly no matter what. I've no idea what to do in a business situation other than re-draw the circles, keep it business only and look for a plan B.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yeah, not sure if you remember but my boss was a toxic psycho bitch. I suffered in that job way too long and it took months before I began to go back to my normal self. I am still not 100% recovered from it. I got to the point where I realized that asking "Why?" was keeping me mired in her toxic bull$hit and as soon as I was able I ran like hell. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes, going through those scenarios in my head again. The only other people I have known who are like that are alcoholics and addicts but I remember Anvil saying even straight people can be a$$holes. I'm done with toxic people. Never ever again. I will starve before I put myself thru that again.
Hang tough Transformy. Sorry you're going thru this but glad you can see it now. Love ya'.
Hang tough Transformy. Sorry you're going thru this but glad you can see it now. Love ya'.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
oh yeah, this is psychological at its worse.
you can suffer from PTSD after long exposure to someone like this.
transform, gird your loins and learn how to deal with a NPD.
you will have to put a shield around yourself.
damn, i wish you werent dealing with this.
remember always..........it is not you, it is her.
repeat that as often as necessary.
it is not me, it is her.
Beth
you can suffer from PTSD after long exposure to someone like this.
transform, gird your loins and learn how to deal with a NPD.
you will have to put a shield around yourself.
damn, i wish you werent dealing with this.
remember always..........it is not you, it is her.
repeat that as often as necessary.
it is not me, it is her.
Beth
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
this is totally freaking me out
So I've spent the night researching narcissism, something I've never done before. This link
How to Cope with a Narcissist? - HealthyPlace
is right on and I definatly see my business partner in these descriptions, but to my horror, I see shades of myself as well.
I like to think I've changed the things detailed in these reports, and I'm honestly in no way pathological or unaware or as "bad" as these descriptions, (or am I in denial?!?) but the behavior I revert to when in a PTSD melt down can fall under these guidelines as well.
Great. Fantastic. I think I'll take the kids sledding and pray out on the great big hill.
How to Cope with a Narcissist? - HealthyPlace
is right on and I definatly see my business partner in these descriptions, but to my horror, I see shades of myself as well.
I like to think I've changed the things detailed in these reports, and I'm honestly in no way pathological or unaware or as "bad" as these descriptions, (or am I in denial?!?) but the behavior I revert to when in a PTSD melt down can fall under these guidelines as well.
Great. Fantastic. I think I'll take the kids sledding and pray out on the great big hill.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
transform,
you are my lakota woman. (i hope you dont mind that, if you do, i will stop)
anyway, when in a ptsd meltdown all kinds of bad behavior is expected, your amyglydia is in control. so yes, some actions will look like NPD. You are trying to treat your PTSD, she will not likely ever seek help for her personality disorder.
She does not and will not ever see her flaws, you are digging them up, exposing them to sunlight and watching them shrivel up and disappear.
Keep doing the next right thing, one step at a time.
Learn to protect yourself from her until you can make a change, and you will.
I have all faith in you doing what you need to take care of yourself.
Beth
you are my lakota woman. (i hope you dont mind that, if you do, i will stop)
anyway, when in a ptsd meltdown all kinds of bad behavior is expected, your amyglydia is in control. so yes, some actions will look like NPD. You are trying to treat your PTSD, she will not likely ever seek help for her personality disorder.
She does not and will not ever see her flaws, you are digging them up, exposing them to sunlight and watching them shrivel up and disappear.
Keep doing the next right thing, one step at a time.
Learn to protect yourself from her until you can make a change, and you will.
I have all faith in you doing what you need to take care of yourself.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
ditto to wicked --- and if you were really narcissistic you wouldn't see yourself at all in that description and you would certainly not be doing any recovery work. Narcissism is a personality disorder, not bad coping mechanisms.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
