I am having a really difficult time

Old 10-24-2010, 01:21 PM
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I am having a really difficult time

I really hope there are some folks here that might be able to give me a little advice that gives me some relief, as I am really hurting.

I am a recovering alcoholic (10 months) and despite all the warnings from others in my program, I went ahead and got into a relationship with another newcomer. Perhaps I was completely blinded by her looks or I viewed it as an opportunity to truly open up and engage in an adult honest relationship. Either way, I jumped right in. Everything felt right. We were being honest with each other. Truthfully, I felt we were working our own individual programs, etc. For about 3 months, I grew closer to her than I had to any woman in my adult life (especially sober). Suffice to say, everything felt right.

About three weeks ago, I felt her somewhat pushing away. She was involved in some rather intensive trauma therapy, which brought out some serious resentments for the men in her life (especially her father). A little over a week ago, she made the decision to return home and visit her family and literally the day after she returned, she began drinking. First, it was under the guise of food poisoning, but finally I showed up at her place to find her completely passed out and in very bad shape. I stayed with her until she wasn't feeling ill anymore. A few days later, she reached out to me, as she was drinking heavily again. I love her, so of course I had to come to the rescue. I truly felt that I was coming from a place of love and selflessness. She expressed her appreciation and it felt genuine. I left her place in the morning, at the time she claimed she was contacting her sponsor. The next morning (because I felt something was off) I came over to her place, only to find her in bed with her ex-boyfriend.

It was truly the most traumatic experience I've experienced. I feel so betrayed (especially since she tried to spin the blame on me - for coming over there unannounced - and I had a key to her place!).

I have since spoken to many people in the AA program, with many different bits of advice. The consistent advice is to completely detach. I have been having the hardest time doing so. She has tried to call and text, but I have not responded, until yesterday. I sent her a text telling her I hoped she was doing ok, and that I was thinking about her. She didn't respond.

I'm really hoping someone can give me some words of wisdom. I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with how a relationship that was seemingly right and healthy, transformed into the scenario I've just described. I am also scared to death at just what she might have to tell me. I'm already hurting and don't know if I can handle any more heartache.

I'm really trying to get my arms around the situation. I am in disbelief that I was betrayed in such a manner.

I'm new to Al-Anon and am learning the concept of detachment, but It is so hard to do so in this case. I want desperately to engage with her and reconnect on some level (which I know is complete insanity). I really hope someone out there might give me some insight. It would be much appreciated.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:31 PM
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First of all, welcome to SR, and although I am sorry for your pain, I am glad you found us.

How much is your own sobriety worth to you?

Today I protect mine like the precious seed it is.

I was warned early in my sobriety to stay out of relationships.

I did not listen.

I eventually drank again after 4 years, and it was miserable.

I am blessed to be back in recovery because many do not make it back.

I listen now to my sponsor, to others in the program who have walked before me.

I've been sober 20 years now, and I have seen the revolving door of AA.

I have witnessed many relationships as you have described. I have seen nothing but tragic results.

She has made her choice.

Now you will make your own choice.

Let go, or be dragged.

I pray you choose to continue your own sobriety.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:40 PM
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Believe it, baby. Get out while the getting is good. Unsolicited advice, but I swear I'd conk you over the head and drag you out if I could.
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Old 10-24-2010, 01:54 PM
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She has made her choice.

Now you will make your own choice.

Let go, or be dragged.
I believe Freedom's nailed it here. I hope you can let go before the pain gets any worse. Hang on tight to what really matters: your sobriety and sanity.
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Old 10-24-2010, 02:43 PM
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hey, i give you some are doing this still sober...and your feeling the feelings...

but, i agree with FREEDOM...let go or be to your HP, and your sponsor, that is what they are there well, and use your TOOLs...they will help and so will the slogans!

all the best!
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Old 10-24-2010, 02:59 PM
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You don't have a problem. You have a solution you don't like. You switched from drinking to your compulsion to this unhealthy relationship, which is like switching seats on the Titanic. Remember the 7t's ---take time to think the thing through. Active alcoholics don't have relationships; they take hostages. You don't have to be sick to want to get well, but if you don't want to get well, you ARE sick. If you were my 35 year old son I would tell you to go camping and mountain climbing. You have a lot of negative energy running through your body that you need to release. There is an old adage that says idle hands are the tools of the devil. Keep active. If the concept of detachment scares you, don't think about detachment. It's only a word, afterall. Instead think of not having any contact with this active alcoholic just for today.

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to live through this day only, and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."

JUST FOR TODAY I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires. I will take my "luck" as it comes, and fit myself to it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will try to strengthen my mind. I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

JUST FOR TODAY I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and not get found out; if anybody knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I don't want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can, dress becomingly, keep my voice low, be courteous, criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything, nor try to improve or regulate anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I will have it. I will save myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

JUST FOR TODAY I will have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half hour, sometime, I will try to get a better perspective on my life.

JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.

reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA
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Old 10-24-2010, 03:18 PM
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It was truly the most traumatic experience I've experienced. I feel so betrayed (especially since she tried to spin the blame on me - for coming over there unannounced - and I had a key to her place!).
This kind of betrayal is a deeply painful thing. It is shocking and numbing to learn that someone you've given yourself to can choose to hurt you like that. I'm sorry you're feeling that pain, yet hoping it can work in your favor as an experience to learn from and grow from. It can if you will let it. You can do it.

Congratulations on your 10 months of sobriety. That is something positive to stay focused on, a reason to grow and move forward. There is a happy life on the other side of betrayal. Stay here and keep posting. Hugs and peace to you.
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Old 10-24-2010, 03:22 PM
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Glad you're here--I just suggested on your other thread that you check this forum out.

Good job.
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Old 10-24-2010, 04:22 PM
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Get out of "Dodge". Fast! And head for the "territory" It's called "sobriety." Ought to be your first priority.
What to put in the mailbox? How about, "This has been doing neither of us any good. For my sake and for yours I am breaking it off. Good luck and every good wish for your eventual sobriety."

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Old 10-24-2010, 07:34 PM
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Congrats on 10 months!!
In order to have a healthy relationship, you need two healthy people. Most likely she wasn't as healthy as she seemed. And she is drinking again so clearly she is ill. So often people put their best face forward in a new relationship, we only show the good and positive sides of ourselves. Then the real person comes out.

Women who have experienced trauma require some real understanding in the relationship department. If she is drinking though any treatment or therapy she is getting around that trauma isn't going to really work. Sounds like a very complex situation. If you are seeking a healthy, honest and open relationship, maybe it is better to start with someone who is starting from a very healthy place.

It hurts, it sucks. You didn't misread anything most likely. This is her truer self coming out now. I'm sorry
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Old 10-24-2010, 11:13 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am so grateful for this 12 step program that is comprised of (at times) complete strangers that are willing to reach out and share their experience, strength and hope.

I have a sponsor and am practically through the steps (have a few amends left to make). I need to get a sponsee. I have been speaking to my sponsor and as many fellow AA members that I can. They all have echoed exactly what I've heard on this forum. That is, "protect myself at all costs." It is just amazing how personal involvement through my program has potentially saved my life. Without these people and my tools, I have no doubt that I would be following her down a really dark path. I will do my best to view my situation as my HP's will, and that he was ultimately protecting me from greater pain down the line.
I would love nothing more than to get her back, but I DO NOT want the person that I saw in the grips of her disease. That's not the person that I fell for at the beginning. And if it was, will I was too blinded to see things clearly.

I am going to work on surrendering and accepting. I guess these are the cards I was dealt - and I lost that hand. But there are plenty more hands to play in my game.

I dragged myself to a meeting this evening. I didn't want to go. I ran into a group of partners of a law firm I have been interviewing with to join their practice. Turns our they're all in recovery. What are the odds? Out of the blue, it appears that my employment situation is improved dramatically. This was giving me almost as much grief as my ex-girlfriend. Somehow, out of that terrible storm I was in, the sun shone through and rewarded me with a miracle. It's amazing.

Thank you again everyone for your kind words of wisdom.
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