I think he drinks too much

Old 09-20-2010, 05:56 PM
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I think he drinks too much

I think he drinks too much but he doesn't. Compared to the amount he used to drink he has really cut back but I am so exhausted and tired of coming home at the end of the day and not knowing how it's going to be. My husband is a wonderful man but it almost seems like he just can't handle drinking anymore. He gets loud and annoying, and it almost seems as though he is trying to start an arguement with me. I have learned to just not rise to it and wait, he will usually fall asleep pretty quickly. I have come very close to leaving several times before but then he stop drinking again and will go to AA meetings for a little while, but then slowly it starts to build back up again. Like I said he has cut way back but I can see it starting again, like one or 2 nights a week. When I get home at the end of the day and I can tell he has been drinking I immediately get upset. My boys are now 14 & 15 and I just think this is a terrible example for them but I worry that I am overreacting.
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:01 PM
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If it's making you anxious, stressed, and sick inside then you are not overreacting. And yes, it is a terrible example for your boys.

Alcoholism is progressive, it'll only get worse.
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:04 PM
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Hey exhausted --

It is indeed a terrible example for your teenagers. I grew up w/ an A father and a super codependent mom who always wanted everyone to believe things weren't as bad, weird, disappointing, or ugly, as they really were. All 3 of my bros are A's. No adult in my entire childhood one ever had the courage to say "Hey this isn't right, and it's not your fault!"

Denial is a terrible thing and leads to a whole heap of shame for children of As. It did for me anyway.

Maybe you can get your boys some AlAteen literature - and check out AlAnon for yourself? AlAnon really turned my head around!

Stick around and keep posting, collectively here on SR we've seen everything and you are not alone.
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Old 09-20-2010, 06:20 PM
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Welcome to the SR family!

Pull out your keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

We understand. We are here to support you by offering you our experience, hope and strength.
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Old 09-20-2010, 08:36 PM
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Hi Exhausted and welcome to SR

If you think he is drinking too much then he probably is. If its becoming a problem for you, then he definitely has a drinking problem at the very least. The fact that he has been to AA alone suggest he reckonises that he has a problem stopping and even though he may loose you he continues to drink. You are not over-reacting but you are reacting to your husbands drinking and allowing your life to revolve around him and his drinking, all perfectly normal and understandable.

This is how it started for me with my AH of 22 years. His drinking was a problem for me because I too would worry about coming home from work wondering what mood he would be in, the feeling of treading on eggshells. I began by asking him very nicely if he would at least please try to cut down his drinking as his moods upset me and made me frightened of him and his outbursts. I told him that I loved the sober husband but didnt particulary like the drinking husband as he was no fun to be around. My AH was unable to cut down and the day after many of these conversations he would go out and buy another crate of beer. I then had the converstation with him that I felt as though he was sticking two fingers up at me and the marriage - he still continued to drink. Finally I gave him the choice - me or beer and he chose beer over our 22yr marriage and me. This was when someone suggested that I try Al-anon and when the 'lightbulb' moment happened for me and I realised my husband was an alcholic.

Al-anon has been really good for me, its somewhere to go to get away from your husband and his drinking for one evening and mix with 'nice' people. Sometimes you come away with some words of wisdom too.

I really think Al-anon could help you to sort out your emotions, feelings and get your own head in a space whereby you can make an informed descision about what you want for your future. Al-ateen would also be good for your boys who are at a very impressional age and they might still be young enough to want to go. My then 18yr old daughter came with me to Al-anon but didnt really take to it but found seeing a psychotherapist extremely useful. She moved out of home a few weeks ago because she was unable to live with her alcoholic dad anymore and was tired of walking on eggshells and scared to come home.

However well you have tried to hide it, I am sure your boys have picked up the 'vibes' around your husband and his drinking and it does effect them so it would be important for them to have an idependant outlet to discuss their own feelings with. As I said, my daughter is now very switched on about alcoholism and understanding that her dads behaviours, especially towards her had nothing at all to do with her which is important for her own self-esteem and future relationships.

Keep reading and posting and welcome once again.
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Old 09-21-2010, 06:57 AM
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Welcome Exhausted, you have come to a wonderful place. Glad you found SR. You will find a lot of wonderful information and support here.

I know exactly how you feel. This site, and Al anon have been extremely helpful to me. Al Anon has meetings on line for you and for teens as well. Definitely worth checking out.

Please remember to take care of yourself. Focus on you. Your husband will do or not do whatever he will. You have no control over any of it.

Trying to reason with an Alcoholic is like telling a schizophrenic not to hear voices. Cannot be done. Take care of you and your children.

Keep reading and posting, and
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Old 09-21-2010, 08:57 AM
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hi Exhausted and to SR. This is a great place to find support.

I'd venture to say that if YOU feel he drinks too much, then there's a problem with your marriage. I know how it feels to doubt yourself and wonder if you're right. That's the reason I first came to SR...looking for some validation. Eventually, I learned that there was indeed a problem because *I* had a problem with the drinking.

Have you considered going to Al-Anon?

Please keep posting and reading. SR is always open!
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Old 09-21-2010, 09:20 AM
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I also know the feeling of doubting oneself and wondering if you are right. My AH was very stubborn when it came to insisting things were true - even though they were blatantly ridiculous.
I am so much more at peace now I am not walking on eggshells.
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Old 09-21-2010, 09:34 AM
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Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of supportive and understanding people here. Sadly, it will get worse if he does not decide he wants to get better; I don't want to sound harsh, but that's the reality of the situation--he has to decide how much is enough for him before he decides to change. That does not mean that you have to live with his actions and choices, though...there are ways to make living with and interacting with an alcoholic more bearable. Keep posting here...sending you hugs.
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