jackthedog

Last night he came home at 12:30, today, usually he would go to a friends to watch football around 3 and end up coming home around midnight or later, but today he said he was going to his friends then coming home after for supper. I don't even feel like being with him right now. I am telling him before he leaves today to take the weed off our property and I never want to see it again. Is he trying to just be nice to look good? I will try to take notes everyday....

CatsPajamas

I used to have a huge fear of spiders. It was almost a phobia. At that same time in my life, I struggled a lot with setting boundaries and I really didn't understand how to do it.

One day he and the kids went out to do something while I was gone. When I got home, there was a big box on the kitchen table. With a tarantula inside. They'd found it and thought it would be neat to bring it home. And inside.

Boundaries became crystal clear.

I wrote a big note and put it on the box:

Dear B: as you well know, I will not tolerate spiders in my home, especially ones that have been intentionally brought in. If the tarantula is still here in the house when I come home, you and the spider will both need to leave and will not be welcomed back. I refuse to live with a spider in my house.

Funny, after that, I started to be able to set more clear boundaries. A boundary is about what I will or will not tolerate, and what I will do about it. It wasn't about him, it was about ME.

Feel free to use the note and substitute some other word for spider.

dollydo

MJ or Coke, both illegal drugs. After my exabf was hauled off to prison, at 5am one morning there were several sheriffs and dogs at my front door...they had a search warrent, looking for drugs (long story) anyway, they found pot residue in the garage and clearly explained to me what could happen....like I could lose my house.

You have children, even worse situation, anyone can call CS and report that they have seen drug activity in your home and boom you have the law on your tail and your children are in jeopardy.

Is this really what you want? I doubt it.

If you are done, then be done, if not, just keep letting him come home and let your children pay the price, because they will. I can guarantee that, I was raised in an alcoholics home, I still have the scars to prove it.

jackthedog

I didn't get to tell him to remove the drugs, he left right from our son's soccer game at 3 and came home at 8, which is so unusual. He did have his friend's wife, who is my friend, to call me to invite me over to watch the second football game, but I declined and he came home. He wasn't so drunk he couldn't stand or walk, but he had been drinking and had another beer when he came home, then went to bed. maybe there is something more than his drinking that has caused all of our problems so I am going to document what I see, what he says to me and how he says it.....and tomorrow the drugs are outta here! Thanks for putting that in perspective for me! Yeah I am setting boundaries!!!!!! I may change my name from the name of one of my dogs, Jack, to "boundaries r us"!

jackthedog

I told him I needed him to remove the mj from the premises of our property, he said what MJ? I told him where I found it and he got defensive, he even moved it. Then he responded with "You don't tell me what to do, it's not alot, you don't know how many people have it in their home, I have been using it since before I met you, Don't worry about it, you have other things to worry about, we said I would wait until after soccer season to move out, so watch it, it may be sooner, etc."
He finally said he would have it removed by tomorrow morning when he goes to work. Do I tell him to get rid of it today and so that I can see that it is removed? This is soooo hard especially when our 13 year old is in the house and I don't want him to hear....

fourmaggie

suggest focus on you and the kids. Alanon and Alateen quote by Carol Star

YEP please do this...ASAP

I'm sorry, but he is not worth your time and energyquote by Fandy

YEP time of energy is a wasted time for you and the kids

have you changed the locks?..if he leaves again...change it...
and also call the police to check the house for drugs....you can do that too...
HE is driving drunk? call the police on that too..especially when he leave YOUR home driveway....

Fandy

what do you CARE what he says he is doing? DO what YOU know is right for you and your child...is he threatening you by saying he will move out sooner? I would just be fed up enough to call his bluff.

get the pot out of the house or I'm going to tell the cops you bring it into the house and are endangering the welfare of our minor child...no drama, just some plain talk followed by some action...it sounds like he enjoys messing with your head and sucking you in by changing his routine....and it is working isn't it?

veryregretful

I agree, he is sucking you in just like my AH. My AH is actually sucking in the kids right now. Telling me to test my son cuz he says he is still smoking pot. This was today. I asked my son and talked about it and he said he wasn't smoking. I trust my son. He texted his dad to find out why he was saying he was smoking pot. He dad said something. My son didn't elaborate but my son did say that my AH was either drunk or high today. hmmm And I thought the kids didn't know he smoked pot. How stupid am I?

Yes you could be in alot of trouble if pot is found at your house. I go back to work tomorrow and I have friends who are police with drug sniffing dogs at work. I'm going to see if they could bring their dog here and find all the pot and drugs in this house so I can get rid of them. All my AH's. I don't want to have drugs here now that he is gone. My kids aren't stupid and your son may already know about his pot smoking. I wish my kids didn't know but all I can do now is educate them and hope for the best.

I let it go on too long and regret having him come back. I still have to cancel the insurance on the truck. I think I need a swift kick in the butt for that one.

jackthedog

Sometimes I can't tell if your response is for me, so if it is, could you please let me know in some way? Thanks everyone, bought the book Codependent No More......

jackthedog

Is this message for me? Jack the dog

wicked

yes, jackthedog, i think the messages are all for you.
i am pretty sure since you started the thread, i went back and read them all again, and they are for you.
is there one you had a question about?

beth

veryregretful

I might be confusing her. I'm posting trying to help and tell her my things that are going on so she doesn't feel alone. I ramble too much so maybe that's what's confusing. I'm sorry for that. I'll try and keep it to a minimum.

I'm also reading codependant no more and I see myself absolutely in the book. I need to finish reading it. It's been very helpful for me to see my codepency.

Good luck and I'm sorry if I was confusing to you.

naive

great! move out sooner.

and yes, keep a journal. i did. it was eye-opening and helped me realize how much mine was drinking and spending and lying. very useful in helping me snap out of my denial.

jackthedog

some of them were in response to the other person I think that is why I was confused and my head is pounding lately, sorry....

jackthedog

It is not your rambling that is the problem, just the responses that I think are for you, that don't seem to apply to me! No worries!

fourmaggie

:

I hate when KIDS are involved...

veryregretful

me too! I feel so bad for mine right now. They are so confused and seem to be taking it out on me some. Sometimes I do believe it's my fault.

jackthedog

My husband has been drinking heavily on the weekends since we were married 14 years ago Sept. 21st.......But I do admit that being an enabler I have not been good for the marriage either and it may be too late even if he would stop drinking and using. Our love has eroded away a little at a time. Last night after about 5 beers he was looking out the window, then sitting down, then getting up to look out the window again, when my son asked him what he was looking at and then kiddingly said "stalker". This would be a normal father and son teasing moment, except my husband responded to my son: "Hey Jack Ass, don't ever call me that again!" I was in the other room and heard the tone, but not the words, so later I asked my son about it. He wouldn't have reacted that way if there wasn't beer involved.....breaks my heart

Carol Star

I was that kid that was talked to like that and I really wish my Mom had gotten us me&(sister) and I out.....away from that jerk. Kids are affected. I became a pothead/alcoholic/codependent and didn't find recovery for many years......have now by the grace of God. Mom is long gone and she did eventually leave after he had an affair but it was too late. Kids are affected......their spirits are affected....their confidence.....self-esteem.......My sister did not become an alcoholic but did suffer in relationships and with shopping/food addictions. My Mom bless her heart was codependent. She chose him over us and now I at 60 yrs. old I am coming to terms with it(the Abandonment book). I would have more respect for her now if she had left and protected us. He was physically and emotionally abusive to all three of us. She was from the 40's and 50's and you just stayed. I didn't stay in my marriage. I am finally free from the affects.

ChrrisT

HI Jack

How sad it is for you and your son. So much life has been wasted waiting for your husband to do the right thing.

So what - he said it - beer or no beer and who talks to their child like that? an uncaring selfish man.

I got an idea - how bout he keeps his drugs and booze and YOUR outta there!! YES!! that will fix the problem for sure. Hugs