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Have had enough

Old 09-16-2010, 07:49 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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so sick of him

I am so sick of him! Tonight my son who is 13 said to me "I don't appreciate it when you talk to me like that" Same thing my AH says to me when he doesn't like what I say, when I call him out on something he does that is wrong! The AH's influence on my son is not good. I am afraid if I kick my AH out, my son will be mad at me, but why? Why am I worried about that? I do have trouble with others and what they think of me, which I am working on. I haven't checked the garage to see if my AH got rid of the MJ like he said he would. I don't really know how much he drinks or smokes, but it is enough. He actually ignored our son last night when he came home from visiting his father who recently had surgery. He came in, I asked him how his dad was, he said little, then went upstairs to read. I went up there and asked him why he didn't say anything to his son and he said "He didn't say Hi to me". Instead of going off I said, He needs a good role model as a father and walked away. I should have said "How old are you?" I do have trouble expressing my anger at him because of the way he reacts to me. He did eventually come down and say something to our son. It's like I am waiting for something really bad to happen to get rid of him, but why? He went over to his buddy's tonight as he usually does to "have a few beers". He always asks me usually in an email if it is ok if he goes out and today I responded, "Does it Matter?" He didn't get the email before he came home. I see my counselor tomorrow, but haven't gone to a meeting yet, kind of afraid for some reason. And what do I say to the AH? I know, what do I care? But for some reason I do. I am reading CoDependent No More, but not finding much help there. Found a book at the Christian bookstore "The Emotionally Destructive RElationship and that has some good advice in it. Thanks for listening, I know I have a long way to go, some days I am more determined than others.
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Old 09-16-2010, 08:44 PM
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The title of your thread is "Have Had Enough." Have you?
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Old 09-16-2010, 09:25 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Welcome to the S/R Forum, JackTheDog.

I hope that in this place you can find the strength to grow and find the serenity you need and deserve.

I think it's a complicated thing that's going on between you and your son. Perhaps you have considered some therapy for him to sort out his feelings and loyaties?
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Old 09-16-2010, 09:39 PM
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and also call the police to check the house for drugs....you can do that too...
This is very bad, very dangerous advice. Please don't do this. Trust me, I work in this arena and don't involve the police, unless you want masked soldiers throwing a flash granade through your front door at bedtime and holding automatic weapons on you and your family while they tear your house apart and take anything of value they can find.

Paramilitary police raids abusing civil liberties as 40-year War on Drugs drags on | CAIVN

I would recommend giving him a deadline then flushing it yourself.

The more you focus on yourself and your feelings and your needs, the easier it'll be to not be afraid.
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Old 09-17-2010, 04:35 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Jadmack - My AH always would come right home from wherever he was and go down the basement. Not even saying hi to his kids. I felt so bad for them.

My kids also talk to me like my AH does. I can't stand it. I have to work on that.

I have noticed since he has been gone (two weeks) that my kids sit at the kitchen table with me and eat dinner. That's a start.

I understand your feelngs. I have no advice as I"m feeling pretty much like you.

I'm trying to work throught my feelings now and I'm beginning to realize that he is not a sane person. I see him on the path to "wet brain" as I have an aunt that drank her self to losing her short term memory. She can barely take care of herself.

This disease is so sad. Alot of people in my family are alcoholics.

I want to break the cycle with my children. Hopefully I will be able. I want them to grow up healthy and not let people abuse them or drink their feelings away or abuse people. It's going to be a tough road for us but I'm praying for us.

Think of your son. You'll do what's best for him.
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Old 09-17-2010, 07:11 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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so confused

Tonight my son wasn't home and after seeing my counselor today, I decided to confront my AH about how he has been treating our son. He didn't even seem to remember what the situation was that he called his son a jackass and didn't seem to think it was a bad thing to do. I backed down from him as he yelled at me, making all of this seem as though it is all me. He even said that the night he came home and didn't say anything to his son, that "we" didn't say hi to him either. He is not going to leave until he finds a decent place of his own. He says he only smokes pot once a month and that he doesn't drink that much. He only drank about 4-5 beers tonight and stayed home. Maybe it is all me, maybe I am overreacting, maybe it just seemed easier to think of him as an alcoholic so I wouldn't think it was me. But yet, I know he does over drink and he is emotionally toxic to me. But he won't leave yet. He has never apologized for anything, now what do I do? I feel so bad.
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Old 09-17-2010, 07:26 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Jack,

Why do you keep second guessing yourself? Your husband is an abuser, what is your payoff? There is a reason why you stay.

It is your responsibility to do the right thing for your children. The longer you waffle the more damage that will be done to your children.

Your son is a child, if he is mad at you for making the right decision for him, he will get over it.
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Old 09-17-2010, 07:28 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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"Alcoholic" is really just a label when it comes down to it isn't it. It doesn't matter if it's him or if it's you, it doesn't really matter if it's only once a month or a few beers...it doesn't matter if you're over reacting. What matters is this...Are you happy? Are the needs of you and your son being met? Are you providing your child with the best upbringing you can?

I feel guilt every day for bringing an alcoholic into my daughters life. I know now that I have mirrored my own parents relationship and I am scared my daughter will grow up and be as damaged as I am/was.

From the things you say it's quite clear to me that you're not happy with your relationship. From what you tell us about your partner he seems very childish, calling names, tit for tat behaviour.

Think about your perfect life...what does it consist of? Is he in it...as he is today, warts and all, would he be in your perfect life? You can't change him, and by the sounds of it he has no intentions of changing anything and no remorse about what he's putting you through.

What can you do to make your life better and set a good example for your boy?


Dolly...I wouldn't say she was "waffling". It takes time to work things out, detach and get some "balls", the fear of change keeps people stuck and it's only with education and knowledge and choices that people begin to realise they can change their situations, they've just got to work it out first by talking through it and learning a long the way.
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Old 09-17-2010, 07:57 PM
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Thanks so much both of you! Thanks for helping me to see, I am going to take care of myself and my son and do alot of praying for my AH, my son, me and all of you. I am relieved I got it out of my system to tell him how I see things. I do need to be a good role model for my son, I have been so far, but I do need to show him how not to let someone treat you unfairly, disrespectfully, or unlovingly, so from now on when my AH does something in this way, I am going to say to him "I won't let you talk to us that way, now get out". I said something to him tonight when he said he wanted to get a descent place for Zach when he sees him. I said I didn't trust him with Zach, who would babysit for him when he goes out drinking?" He got very defensive and said if I wanted to get nasty about it, we would get lawyers involved. Whatever, he doesn't even have the money to hire one.
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Old 09-17-2010, 08:00 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Thanks, I will pray for you too! I am actually looking forward to being without him. Hoping to see my son happier, me too.
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Old 09-17-2010, 08:41 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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If you follow through, you and your son will be rewarded with a life filled with peace and happiness, that is what we all strive for!
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:02 AM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Saturday

Well, husband says his loss of 40 pounds in 5 months is just his working out everyday and eating better. He says he is not using any other drugs and only smokes pot once a month. He wants to move out, but we can't afford it this month, possibly by November. I know he could move out and go to a friend's but he doesn't want to do that and I can't blame him. I do want him gone, but we don't have the funds, so when we do, he will go. He doesn't want to work on anything so I will work on myself and detach. Change is hard, but if you focus on your goal, the difficulty subsides.
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Old 09-18-2010, 08:21 AM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
Tonight my son wasn't home and after seeing my counselor today, I decided to confront my AH about how he has been treating our son. He didn't even seem to remember what the situation was that he called his son a jackass and didn't seem to think it was a bad thing to do. I backed down from him as he yelled at me, making all of this seem as though it is all me. He even said that the night he came home and didn't say anything to his son, that "we" didn't say hi to him either. He is not going to leave until he finds a decent place of his own. He says he only smokes pot once a month and that he doesn't drink that much. He only drank about 4-5 beers tonight and stayed home. Maybe it is all me, maybe I am overreacting, maybe it just seemed easier to think of him as an alcoholic so I wouldn't think it was me. But yet, I know he does over drink and he is emotionally toxic to me. But he won't leave yet. He has never apologized for anything, now what do I do? I feel so bad.
i copied your post so i respond properly. please remember that he is bullying you...and that bullies are truly cowards...he is attempting to justify his behavior, but has NO RIGHT to make all the decisions concerning the household...if you force his hand, you may get rid of him sooner. He has no right to yell at you so you back down, again this is a bullying tactic.

If he won't get out, stop doing for him....leave him to attempt to care for himself....it will finally dawn on him that you are serious.

my first Xhusband was a terrible bully....he finally left after i had to go to the police after he attempted to choke me to in front of our then 5 year old daughter.....
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Old 09-18-2010, 09:06 AM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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"Hey Jack Ass, don't ever call me that again!"
IMO, practicing alcoholics make terrible parents.

Your thread reminds me of my Dad and all of the horrible $hit I had to endure as a teen. The worst was not how he treated me because I avoided him like the plague. The worst was how he interacted with my brothers. It was truly a NIGHTMARE. The older they got, the worse it got. My heart still remembers the sheer PANIC of being woken up in the middle of the night (on school nights no less) to yelling and screaming and fighting and people hitting walls, breaking glass, throwing $hit, hitting someone over the head full force with a baseball bat... I could go on but suffice it to say that I am 42 years old and I can still SEE clear as day, full-action memory of my father hauling off and punching my Mom in the face and her falling backwards. I remember plain as day how after that she ran around crying, searching desperately for his keys so that he would not LEAVE her! WHAT?!?!?! THAT was the night I left, no place to go but my BF's house, 17 years old, 2 weeks out of high school. This set up a cognitive, emotional, and life-decision pattern for me that I was not able to break out of until I was nearly 40 years old.

He's in his 70s now, still drunk, and doesn't remember, but we are all living with the aftereffects to this day.

You need to know that it is likely to get worse as time goes on, and as your son grows and naturally becomes more independent (and therefore "rebellious"), and more of a threat to the alcoholic (real or perceived). Alcoholism is a progressive disease that, unless the alcoholic completely stops drinking, worsens over time.

You need to KNOW that the decisions you are making NOW while your boy is 13 years old will affect him for THE REST of his life. This is why, when you say this:
I do want him gone, but we don't have the funds, so when we do, he will go.
I realize you do not see the magnitude of this problem.
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Old 09-19-2010, 06:50 AM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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It isn't the change that is so hard it is the "resistance" to the change. I think he uses more than you think , and he does abuse your son. He needs to leave. Two lawyers talked to me free. No ifs....buts....about it....He has illegal drugs in the house and is probably using daily....drinks alot because he doesn't remember....(blackout)......where he goes isn't your problem......who cares.....?......he is grown.....he can crash with his drinking buddies......protect your son......Alanon isn't intimidating.....you do not even have to talk. It will help you learn to put the focus on you and your son.
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Old 09-19-2010, 08:08 AM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
Well, husband says his loss of 40 pounds in 5 months is just his working out everyday and eating better. He says he is not using any other drugs and only smokes pot once a month. He wants to move out, but we can't afford it this month, possibly by November. I know he could move out and go to a friend's but he doesn't want to do that and I can't blame him. I do want him gone, but we don't have the funds, so when we do, he will go. He doesn't want to work on anything so I will work on myself and detach. Change is hard, but if you focus on your goal, the difficulty subsides.
why do you keep using the term WE? are you responsible for his moving expenses?...you can't blame him? well you might consider blaming him for his own actions, it's not like you have forced him to drink to excess and be abusive. if he's got $$ to "smoke pot once a month", go to a gym for workouts and buy booze. he's got extra $$ that can be used towards him finding his own way in new living conditions...you might consider that you are making it very easy for him to manipulate circumstances to his advantage.
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Old 09-19-2010, 08:38 AM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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If you keep waiting for him to have funds, he will be there forever. There is no "We" in this situation. He is a big boy, this is his issue to resolve, not yours.

His drinking, pot and other activities cost lots of money, it is up to him, not you.

November will turn into December. December into January and so on. Sounds like you are trying to hang on again and praying for a miracle, that asking him to move out will change him...it won't.
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Old 09-19-2010, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by jackthedog View Post
The AH's influence on my son is not good. I am afraid if I kick my AH out, my son will be mad at me, but why? Why am I worried about that?
Take it from someone who was in your son's shoes: He may act a little upset and frightened at first, but he will VERY QUICKLY thank you in his heart, even if he doesn't say it out loud. When I say very quickly, I mean, probably within a week he'll start feeling better about himself--that is, if your son is anything like I was when I was his age and my mom made the courageous decision to live a healthy life and kick my dad out.

This was back in the 60s when divorce carried a huge stigma, not to mention she was Catholic. But she did the right thing--I know that from how happy I was throughout my high school life.
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Old 09-19-2010, 09:42 AM
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He got very defensive and said if I wanted to get nasty about it, we would get lawyers involved. Whatever, he doesn't even have the money to hire one.
I"m glad to see this sort of crap doesn't work on you. It's taken me years to not react to my AH's drunken threats.
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Old 09-19-2010, 11:13 AM
  # 60 (permalink)  
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LOL, one of my exes (not an alcoholic) threatened a couple of times to take me to court for this or that. I KNEW it was all hot air and empty threats because he didn't have the proverbial pot in which to urinate.

It's so nice when we can spot the BS with utter certainty.

The other thing I had observed about him during our time together was how he was always ranting he was gonna do this or that to "show" his ex-wife. He never did a thing. It was all noise. So I knew when he was making the same noises at me, it didn't mean a thing.
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