Have had enough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
Have had enough
I have been married 13 years. My husband drinks on the weekends, getting drunk, usually away from home, but on Sundays at home. If we go out to a friends house and I am ready to go home, he wants to stay and drink. He blames our lack of sex on me. When I ask him to quit he says he can but he doesn't want to, he does it to relax. Lately he has been smoking Marijuana also. He doesn't help me emotionally and we have drifted apart in the past couple of years. When I confronted him the other day about being high, he said he wanted to separate, but he cannot afford his own place and won't go to a friends. My counselor asked me what I wanted and I said I want him to quit drinking and smoking or else leave our home and me and our 13 year old son. He helps out alot around the house, but does little with our son except attend his soccer games. When I shared with him the other night that I don't tell him right away when I get angry because I am afraid he will reject me and blow off my anger and place the blame on me, all he said was "I know how you feel, that is why I don't ask you for sex because I am afraid you will reject me." It always goes back to him. I feel alone and unloved.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
hi jackthedog,
I can relate to you. I am married 20 years to an AH. I have two 15 year old children. We have seperated from him a couple times in the past and have always taken him back even though he was still drinking. He says he is entitled to have a "cocktail" to unwind from a busy day at work (when he worked which wasn't often).
He made himself a "mantown" down in the basement so that was where he would spend most of him time. I wasn't there, but one night after a baseball game he ended up in the ER with a brain bleed. He said someone hit him with a beer bottle at the bar and he fell. Whatever happened he basically almost died, so now one of his excuses to drink is that he almost died so why can't he drink. (drinking in a bar almost killed him). He thinks that by being down in the basement the kids don't see him falling down, being verballly abusive to me, etc., the kids aren't affected. My kids are. My daughter is depressed and was cutting. I can't say it's 100% his drinking but that is one of her triggers.
My AH also says that I must have another man because I am not having sex with him. I am not with another man. How can I be intimate with this man when he tells me he hates me, I want to punch you in the face, F you to me in front of the kids. How can I be intimate. He says I use it as a weapon.
My AH told me today on the phone that he is a great husband and father so why can't he drink in peace without me being up his butt. His parenting skills are, mmmmmmmm, I really can't think of any. He has gone to a few of his son's football games and a band recital. That's about it. He missed a show my son was playing drums and my daughter was in chorus because he was out drinking. He says "why should I bother trying to talk with the kids" because my daughter is in her room all the time and my son on the computer. He does not make an effort with the kids.
As for being a great husband. Let's see. He doesn't work. He doesn't clean, cook, drive the kids, food shop. Nothing really. He says he does everything for me. Okay, how can he do that when he is downstairs drinking.
Anyway, he thinks it's okay to have a couple beers isolating himself downstairs and it's not affecting the family.
He has been gone one week. He has no where to go. He has no job. He only has my truck. He will only have the truck until Oct 1st. That is when I'm going to tell him I want the plates off it and I'll sell it to him for a buck. I'm not going to continue to pay car insurance on it if he is not living here and also, if he is drinking. I do feel bad because he doesn't have anything but the more I have him live here the more choatic our lives will be.
I feel now that I have neglected my children's needs because I was always trying to keep the peace between me and my AH. I was trying so hard to clean the house, make dinners for him thinking that if only I would do this he would stop drinking. Well the truth be told that none of that mattered. All it did was make an even more dysfunctional family more dysfunctional. I let time pass and didn't notice my daughter's depression and cutting until the last few months. She asked to go to therapy and then I found out about the cutting and boy, did that wake me up.
He left on his own after a confrontation. He came home that night trashed and I told him that this is not a flop house. He said I have no where to go. I said you left. You came home trashed. I can't deal anymore. He left earlly Friday morning when I was at work.
Like you I was always afraid to tell him when I was mad, angry, upset. I was afraid he would reject me. I am always afraid of abandoment. Even when he was here, he was in basement. I was being abandoned and rejected and not really realized it. I thought he was here and we are not argueing so it's okay. But it wasn't okay.
For some reason now when he left, it's different. I look at my children and see how much hurt they have. How confused they are. How unhappy I am/was when he was here. Always waiting for the ball to drop.
I am worried about him. He has physical problems besides his alcoholism but he is a big boy. I'm a big girl. I have two children I'm responsible for. And what example am I if I kept going the way we were going. He is probably sleeping in his truck but I can't help him unless he helps himself. I'm not going down anymore. As it is we are bankrupt.
As for being alone, I have no friends anymore. I alienated myself from everyone. I don't feel anymore unloved than when he was here or alone. He didn't love me. He loved that I put a roof over his head and fed him and took care of him. I have my children. I love them and I know they love me. That is enough for me. Right now the only thing that matters is me and my two kids. I'm not alone with my kids.
I feel like I'm being cruel to him but I'm done trying to change him. I just look at my kids faces and know I'm doing the right thing by not having him come home.
All I can say is do what you think is right for your son. And you. If you want him to go tell him. He is a big boy. I have been in your shoes. I had all those feelings. But after 20 years I just can't go on with him actively drinking.
Good luck
I can relate to you. I am married 20 years to an AH. I have two 15 year old children. We have seperated from him a couple times in the past and have always taken him back even though he was still drinking. He says he is entitled to have a "cocktail" to unwind from a busy day at work (when he worked which wasn't often).
He made himself a "mantown" down in the basement so that was where he would spend most of him time. I wasn't there, but one night after a baseball game he ended up in the ER with a brain bleed. He said someone hit him with a beer bottle at the bar and he fell. Whatever happened he basically almost died, so now one of his excuses to drink is that he almost died so why can't he drink. (drinking in a bar almost killed him). He thinks that by being down in the basement the kids don't see him falling down, being verballly abusive to me, etc., the kids aren't affected. My kids are. My daughter is depressed and was cutting. I can't say it's 100% his drinking but that is one of her triggers.
My AH also says that I must have another man because I am not having sex with him. I am not with another man. How can I be intimate with this man when he tells me he hates me, I want to punch you in the face, F you to me in front of the kids. How can I be intimate. He says I use it as a weapon.
My AH told me today on the phone that he is a great husband and father so why can't he drink in peace without me being up his butt. His parenting skills are, mmmmmmmm, I really can't think of any. He has gone to a few of his son's football games and a band recital. That's about it. He missed a show my son was playing drums and my daughter was in chorus because he was out drinking. He says "why should I bother trying to talk with the kids" because my daughter is in her room all the time and my son on the computer. He does not make an effort with the kids.
As for being a great husband. Let's see. He doesn't work. He doesn't clean, cook, drive the kids, food shop. Nothing really. He says he does everything for me. Okay, how can he do that when he is downstairs drinking.
Anyway, he thinks it's okay to have a couple beers isolating himself downstairs and it's not affecting the family.
He has been gone one week. He has no where to go. He has no job. He only has my truck. He will only have the truck until Oct 1st. That is when I'm going to tell him I want the plates off it and I'll sell it to him for a buck. I'm not going to continue to pay car insurance on it if he is not living here and also, if he is drinking. I do feel bad because he doesn't have anything but the more I have him live here the more choatic our lives will be.
I feel now that I have neglected my children's needs because I was always trying to keep the peace between me and my AH. I was trying so hard to clean the house, make dinners for him thinking that if only I would do this he would stop drinking. Well the truth be told that none of that mattered. All it did was make an even more dysfunctional family more dysfunctional. I let time pass and didn't notice my daughter's depression and cutting until the last few months. She asked to go to therapy and then I found out about the cutting and boy, did that wake me up.
He left on his own after a confrontation. He came home that night trashed and I told him that this is not a flop house. He said I have no where to go. I said you left. You came home trashed. I can't deal anymore. He left earlly Friday morning when I was at work.
Like you I was always afraid to tell him when I was mad, angry, upset. I was afraid he would reject me. I am always afraid of abandoment. Even when he was here, he was in basement. I was being abandoned and rejected and not really realized it. I thought he was here and we are not argueing so it's okay. But it wasn't okay.
For some reason now when he left, it's different. I look at my children and see how much hurt they have. How confused they are. How unhappy I am/was when he was here. Always waiting for the ball to drop.
I am worried about him. He has physical problems besides his alcoholism but he is a big boy. I'm a big girl. I have two children I'm responsible for. And what example am I if I kept going the way we were going. He is probably sleeping in his truck but I can't help him unless he helps himself. I'm not going down anymore. As it is we are bankrupt.
As for being alone, I have no friends anymore. I alienated myself from everyone. I don't feel anymore unloved than when he was here or alone. He didn't love me. He loved that I put a roof over his head and fed him and took care of him. I have my children. I love them and I know they love me. That is enough for me. Right now the only thing that matters is me and my two kids. I'm not alone with my kids.
I feel like I'm being cruel to him but I'm done trying to change him. I just look at my kids faces and know I'm doing the right thing by not having him come home.
All I can say is do what you think is right for your son. And you. If you want him to go tell him. He is a big boy. I have been in your shoes. I had all those feelings. But after 20 years I just can't go on with him actively drinking.
Good luck
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote from jackthedog ((( I feel alone and unloved.)))
You feel alone and unloved......because of how your AH treats you....So thesefeelings are honestly felt.
The only objective for your AH is to suck on his booze and joint, and to hell with wife and family......as soon as he is called on his misbehavior, he spews blame at you.
I have not had to go thru this with a child or children in tow, but there are plenty of others here who have and lots who are still in this chaos, who can advise better than I.
I wish you all the best, advise you to stick around SR and offer you my prayers.
God bless
You feel alone and unloved......because of how your AH treats you....So thesefeelings are honestly felt.
The only objective for your AH is to suck on his booze and joint, and to hell with wife and family......as soon as he is called on his misbehavior, he spews blame at you.
I have not had to go thru this with a child or children in tow, but there are plenty of others here who have and lots who are still in this chaos, who can advise better than I.
I wish you all the best, advise you to stick around SR and offer you my prayers.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Have you considered Al-Anon for yourself (and Al-Ateen for your 13 year old)? Saved my butt.
Please keep posting and reading here. SR is ALWAYS OPEN (and unlike some all night diner, it won't make you fat!)
Please keep posting and reading here. SR is ALWAYS OPEN (and unlike some all night diner, it won't make you fat!)
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
We're glad you found us! I am sorry that you came because your loved one has placed alcohol before family.
Alcoholism is a family dis-ease. It affects the drinker and everyone in the home. It is also progressive. It gets worse.
I am glad you have a counselor that you can share with. Does your counselor have experience with addiction?
This is a link to one of our sticky (permanent) posts. They are located at the top of this forum. Sticky posts contain some of our stories and lots of wisdom. This sticky contains steps that we have taken when dealing with alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Learning about the three C's has helped me deal with others addictions:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
You are not alone. We understand what you are experiencing. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
We're glad you found us! I am sorry that you came because your loved one has placed alcohol before family.
Alcoholism is a family dis-ease. It affects the drinker and everyone in the home. It is also progressive. It gets worse.
I am glad you have a counselor that you can share with. Does your counselor have experience with addiction?
This is a link to one of our sticky (permanent) posts. They are located at the top of this forum. Sticky posts contain some of our stories and lots of wisdom. This sticky contains steps that we have taken when dealing with alcoholism:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Learning about the three C's has helped me deal with others addictions:
I did not Cause it
I can not Control it
I will not Cure it
You are not alone. We understand what you are experiencing. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome, lots of good people here who will rally around you.
I do understand that your children have suffered due to your codependency and your husbands drinking. I was raised (more or less) by an alcoholic mom who put her drinking, boyfriends, husbands before her children, and, all of her significant others were drinkers. It was awful, it left scars on me that I am still dealing with today.
As for the minor children, they must come first. You are focusing too much on him and his problem, while problems are festering with your children, these need to be addressed now.
If he contributes nothing what do you need him for? That is the question I would ask myself.
Take care of you, take care of those children, him, let him take care of himself, he is an adult, and, needs to be addressed as such.
I do understand that your children have suffered due to your codependency and your husbands drinking. I was raised (more or less) by an alcoholic mom who put her drinking, boyfriends, husbands before her children, and, all of her significant others were drinkers. It was awful, it left scars on me that I am still dealing with today.
As for the minor children, they must come first. You are focusing too much on him and his problem, while problems are festering with your children, these need to be addressed now.
If he contributes nothing what do you need him for? That is the question I would ask myself.
Take care of you, take care of those children, him, let him take care of himself, he is an adult, and, needs to be addressed as such.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Thank you dollydo,
I have realized that I was focusing on him too much while he was here. I do admit that I am focusing on him but in a different extent. I wonder if he is okay but he is a big boy. I'm trying not to text which is good. haven't done so today. Haven't done much today and it's 1:30 already. going to go take shower then start to clean and take dd out to look for a laptop. just be a mom to them. of course i'll have bad times like i did this morning but when kids are home i have to be their mom. i can't dwell on him anymore. just the other day i was feeling strong now not so strong. i'll get it back.
i hate these ups and downs.
I have realized that I was focusing on him too much while he was here. I do admit that I am focusing on him but in a different extent. I wonder if he is okay but he is a big boy. I'm trying not to text which is good. haven't done so today. Haven't done much today and it's 1:30 already. going to go take shower then start to clean and take dd out to look for a laptop. just be a mom to them. of course i'll have bad times like i did this morning but when kids are home i have to be their mom. i can't dwell on him anymore. just the other day i was feeling strong now not so strong. i'll get it back.
i hate these ups and downs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
Thank you
Thanks everyone! It is so hard to distinguish between whether he is an alcoholic or not. But I know if it interferes with our relationship, and he doesn't want to change, he must be. My counselor said to tell him that I need him to stop drinking and using or I will ask him to leave soon (and not give him a specific timeframe). I am starting Al-Anon asap with my best friend who's son is an addict. I just have to find the strength to tell him to leave even though we don't have the extra money for him to get an apartment. He is a big boy, he can find a place to stay. Maybe he should go back to his mother, as I am tired of being one for him. Thanks for the prayers and I will pray for all of you too!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
It is so hard to distinguish between whether he is an alcoholic or not.
My counselor said
I am starting Al-Anon asap with my best friend who's son is an addict.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
why would you say "we don't have the $$ for him to get an apartment"? Let HIM worry about his own place...are you financially capable of providing him a place to stay along with supporting yourself, household and children?
if he's got $$ for booze and pot, he's got $$ to find himself a place to live or go to a hotel..or home to mama....let him know he is responsible for CHILD SUPPORT.
he sounds like an emotional whiny kid hiding in his frat house basement, he is abusive towards you, I would cancel his car insurance now and start worrying about yourself and children.
if he's got $$ for booze and pot, he's got $$ to find himself a place to live or go to a hotel..or home to mama....let him know he is responsible for CHILD SUPPORT.
he sounds like an emotional whiny kid hiding in his frat house basement, he is abusive towards you, I would cancel his car insurance now and start worrying about yourself and children.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
HI and welcome ! the wonderful thing about Al Anon (or one of the many many wonderful things) is that it doesn't really matter if your loved one is an alcoholic or addict or not, but only that YOU are bothered by someone else's drinking.
It sounds like his drinking bothers you, and that's all that matters. You'll come to find help in Al Anon and here on SR if you want to, whether or not he continues to drink.
Sorry for the circumstances, but I'm glad you found us!
It sounds like his drinking bothers you, and that's all that matters. You'll come to find help in Al Anon and here on SR if you want to, whether or not he continues to drink.
Sorry for the circumstances, but I'm glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I actually want to cancel his car insurance but something is holding me back. Maybe it is me thinking that he will get sober and come home. I know that is not reality so I might as well just do it. This is just so crazy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Cancel it. That may stop him driving, and save someone, including himself from being killed.
Finding somewhere for him to live and paying for it, is not your problem....it is his responsibility, after all he makes sure he has the money for his drink and drug.
He left you to spend time with his drink and pot, without any thought or care in his head.....Your eyes can be fixed on yourself and caring for your kids, and he is NOT your child.
Let him face the real world without you being there for him, while you live the way you want to, without a drunken and abusive pot puffer making it hell for you all.
God bless
Finding somewhere for him to live and paying for it, is not your problem....it is his responsibility, after all he makes sure he has the money for his drink and drug.
He left you to spend time with his drink and pot, without any thought or care in his head.....Your eyes can be fixed on yourself and caring for your kids, and he is NOT your child.
Let him face the real world without you being there for him, while you live the way you want to, without a drunken and abusive pot puffer making it hell for you all.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
reality can be powerful...you have the control and can exercise it anytime you wish....just pick up the phone and do it.....
Reality is self preservation..he.sure doesn't care about YOUR feelings or the kids feelings, he's an abusive rude selfish person....let him get a good dose of "reality" and start supportiing himself.....or is that too adult for him to consider?...like PAYING and contributing to the household? is it beneath him? you are providing free maid service, cooking, laundry working and he does what?...(provided the spe$$rm)? wow you could have done that with a lot less trouble.
Reality is self preservation..he.sure doesn't care about YOUR feelings or the kids feelings, he's an abusive rude selfish person....let him get a good dose of "reality" and start supportiing himself.....or is that too adult for him to consider?...like PAYING and contributing to the household? is it beneath him? you are providing free maid service, cooking, laundry working and he does what?...(provided the spe$$rm)? wow you could have done that with a lot less trouble.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Thank you jadmack. just the words I needed to hear right now. haven't texted or heard from him. I cleaned MY bedroom and changed it around. put all his stuff in the closet for now. Out of sight out of mind. I don't use the closet anyways.
I hope he is having fun. I'm not exactly having fun but I am finally living here stress free. My daughter told me I can do it alone. I'm glad that the kids are doing better. They are talking to me more and even sit with me at dinner. These little things are making it easier not to ask him to come home. I do not want to go backward. I just want to keep going forward.
I hope he is having fun. I'm not exactly having fun but I am finally living here stress free. My daughter told me I can do it alone. I'm glad that the kids are doing better. They are talking to me more and even sit with me at dinner. These little things are making it easier not to ask him to come home. I do not want to go backward. I just want to keep going forward.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Fandy - absolutely right. He has only texted the kids once. Once since last Thursday. 8 days. That is insane. Very selfish! He's probably waiting for the kids to text him but why should they. He walked out on them without even a goodbye to them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I suggest focus on you and the kids. Alanon and Alateen....the Melody Beattie books and let him be the big boy and be responsible for himself. If he doesn't work how does he get money for gas, pot, and beer? I would cancel plates and insurance. Alot of us have been through this. There is alot of experience, strength and hope here. We have done the research for you. Focus on you. Focus on those prescious kids. One is asking for therapy....?......that shoud be the priority. Let the selfish, quacking, do nothing, abusive, pothead/drunk, grow up and fend for himself. That is his job.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Originally Posted by veryregretful 
Fandy - absolutely right. He has only texted the kids once. Once since last Thursday. 8 days. That is insane. Very selfish! He's probably waiting for the kids to text him but why should they. He walked out on them without even a goodbye to them.
if you decide to text him, you might want him to be reminded that he is legally responsible to SUPPORT HIS CHILDREN. I hope you seek legal advice to protect yourself and the kids.
Too many immature, selfish *parents* just think they can bluster their way through and shirk off responsibilities.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 181
found the weed
Thought I would look around and found the marijuana. I just want to tell hem to get rid of it, but I am scared. It's funny, but if I found cocaine I would flip out, but the weed doesn't have the same reaction, but why? He is out tonight at a friend's, well, his friends' surprise birthday at a bar. I said to him earlier in the week, we could go together for an hour or two, then come home and watch a movie, but he said no, he might be having a good time and want to stay.......go figure, just thinking of himself once again. Then last night, Thursday when he usually goes out with this friends, he stayed home. We will see what happens tonight....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
If the house got busted you could also be charged with posession.
I have lost all my "being understanding" about such things.
Once in my past it would have been okay with me.
A little later in my history I would have had a "talk"
Later, I would have cried and yelled.
Today I would simply throw it out, out of self-interest.
I have lost all my "being understanding" about such things.
Once in my past it would have been okay with me.
A little later in my history I would have had a "talk"
Later, I would have cried and yelled.
Today I would simply throw it out, out of self-interest.
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