New here and dating an alcoholic.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
It's kind of personal,but I've already poured half of my heart into this forum,another reason is why I'm staying is because he is my first.
Those emotions alone are so powerful, and it should be a special time for you.
But unfortunately your love is wasted on someone who may never be able to appreciate it or you.
Don't give up your life trying to fix him.
But you deserve better!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
ExCordis, welcome. I too thought that if he loved me, he'd stop, or at least try to stop. I've learned that it is a disease, and this disease will 'tell' him what to do and put the alcohol first. The seeking of the high will trump everything, even if the A has the best intentions.
I know my AH loves me and our little girl, and yet, before he sought recovery, even that didn't keep him sober. Once after I brought our baby to watch one of his softball games, I thought at least then he'll be coming home after (cuz usually that would be one of his late drinking nights after the game). He ended up walking me to the car, dumping his stuff into the trunk and then leaving to catch up with the team for drinks. Left me standing in the parking garage at 9pm with our 6 month old.
The desire for them is too strong. It's not about whether they love you or not. They feel compelled to drink and are unable to stop it unless they really want to, and even then it's tough.
Yes, we can hope, but hope does not make a life, it makes for a waiting game that may never pan out the way you hoped. Better to take off the rose-coloured glasses and see what's in front of us. When we see reality TODAY, then it helps us find what we need to do. And unfortunately if it's his destiny to wind up homeless under a bridge, then it will happen, and you are no superhero and you cannot prevent that even if you think you can. If he has no desire to recover and you just put obstacles in his way, he will eventually just work around you. And then all you've done is be an obstacle in someone else's life (and a failed one at that) instead of LIVING your life.
You could also think differently about it. Helping does not always mean staying in a relationship, pushing what you think they should do. Maybe helping is stepping away and allowing the person space to find their own way, whatever way it is. Really when I thought I was helping, I was hindering. You share something special (being your first) but that does not mean you have to stay with the guy forever. It just means you have history that you will always cherish. Don't make that to be a life sentence.
I know my AH loves me and our little girl, and yet, before he sought recovery, even that didn't keep him sober. Once after I brought our baby to watch one of his softball games, I thought at least then he'll be coming home after (cuz usually that would be one of his late drinking nights after the game). He ended up walking me to the car, dumping his stuff into the trunk and then leaving to catch up with the team for drinks. Left me standing in the parking garage at 9pm with our 6 month old.
The desire for them is too strong. It's not about whether they love you or not. They feel compelled to drink and are unable to stop it unless they really want to, and even then it's tough.
Yes, we can hope, but hope does not make a life, it makes for a waiting game that may never pan out the way you hoped. Better to take off the rose-coloured glasses and see what's in front of us. When we see reality TODAY, then it helps us find what we need to do. And unfortunately if it's his destiny to wind up homeless under a bridge, then it will happen, and you are no superhero and you cannot prevent that even if you think you can. If he has no desire to recover and you just put obstacles in his way, he will eventually just work around you. And then all you've done is be an obstacle in someone else's life (and a failed one at that) instead of LIVING your life.
You could also think differently about it. Helping does not always mean staying in a relationship, pushing what you think they should do. Maybe helping is stepping away and allowing the person space to find their own way, whatever way it is. Really when I thought I was helping, I was hindering. You share something special (being your first) but that does not mean you have to stay with the guy forever. It just means you have history that you will always cherish. Don't make that to be a life sentence.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Jacksonville,Fl
Posts: 29
Thank you all very much for the support,I have a new perspective on this whole situation now.I don't feel so alone,and that makes me a little bit happier.
However,I have a few questions.I know everyone is different and deals with things their own way,so I was just wondering how your loved ones acted when they went out to drink?I'm sure it would be somewhat similar to how my boyfriend acts,but I'm just curious.
When my boyfriend decides to go out to drink,he will not text me or call me.If I call him or text him,he will not answer.And if he does answer,it would only be through text.Then I won't hear from him until the next day around 1pm or later.I use to think that he did not lie to me,but has lied about where and who he's going out with.He would usually say he's going out with a mutual friend (someone I respected),but then I find out the next day from his mom that he's out with his friends whom themselves don't have much going for them.
Then when he sobers up a little at home,he stays in his room all day because he 'feels bad' for what he did.This usually lasts for only a couple of days until he gets paid again.He mostly drinks whenever he gets paid,and thats it. I know he gets paid this upcoming tuesday,so I'll see what happens.
However,I have a few questions.I know everyone is different and deals with things their own way,so I was just wondering how your loved ones acted when they went out to drink?I'm sure it would be somewhat similar to how my boyfriend acts,but I'm just curious.
When my boyfriend decides to go out to drink,he will not text me or call me.If I call him or text him,he will not answer.And if he does answer,it would only be through text.Then I won't hear from him until the next day around 1pm or later.I use to think that he did not lie to me,but has lied about where and who he's going out with.He would usually say he's going out with a mutual friend (someone I respected),but then I find out the next day from his mom that he's out with his friends whom themselves don't have much going for them.
Then when he sobers up a little at home,he stays in his room all day because he 'feels bad' for what he did.This usually lasts for only a couple of days until he gets paid again.He mostly drinks whenever he gets paid,and thats it. I know he gets paid this upcoming tuesday,so I'll see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 8
It is not your job to make sure he doesn't end up on the streets. He is a grown man. He should be able to take care of himself. It will not get any better until he makes the decision and he has to do this for himself. Do not contribute to his drinking by picking up the pieces for him. I promise he will never get better if somone is always there to keep him from hitting bottom. Trust me, I have been doing it for years. This is the first time since this battle began that I feel I am beginning to let go of the need to take care of my husband. We have 4 young children that I am raising on my own. Do not allow yourself to get into a relationship that steals your joy and confidence about who you are as a person. I have gotten lost in all of this and it is time for me to heal. You are discovering the problem early enough that you can walk away before you have little angels drug into the mess. Keep posting - this has been a great support for me. Stay strong and remember, enabling is when you do something for him that he can do for himself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
oh yah, I remember the disappearing-remorse cycle. It was often followed by an apology, and then a few days of "honeymoon period" where XAH did wonderful things to look good to me. Then it was back to drinking. Eventually, there was no honeymood phase. Just drinking all the time. And so righteously justified every time. It was sad.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
In my case he left not because of drinking but the relationship was bad, he just drank cause it was something to do. And I believed that for a long time.
After the "fight" we would work on the relationship until the next "fight" and so on.
It is progressive and gets worse as time goes by.
What starts out as him quietly disappearing to drink turns into him blaming you, resenting you, being abusive to you. You resenting him, blaming him, yelling, screaming whatever.
The more you battle with his alcoholism the more he will defend it.
And they defend it violently!
After the "fight" we would work on the relationship until the next "fight" and so on.
It is progressive and gets worse as time goes by.
What starts out as him quietly disappearing to drink turns into him blaming you, resenting you, being abusive to you. You resenting him, blaming him, yelling, screaming whatever.
The more you battle with his alcoholism the more he will defend it.
And they defend it violently!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 220
My AH never really "went out" to drink... he drank a lot in the car on his way home from work or where ever he was and he isolated at home and drank a lot in the garage or in the basement after I went to bed. He usually was semi-okay when he walked in the door, but very quickly became very drunk (because he slammed it right before he got home) and then he passed out! Many happy memories, I tell ya!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
Wow your head is on WAY straighter than mine was at 19!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Sometimes I do still think that I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO stay with this person to help,but a person can only do so much
It is up to each person individually to do what is right for themselves, to learn what we need to learn, to make the efforts that are necessary to make our own selves and our own lives healthier and better. If you want to "help" him, the best thing you can do is take the BEST care of your SELF possible. That is really all any of us can do. If each of us did that, then nobody would have to worry about anyone else. But, alas, we know that is just not the way it is, don't we?
I truly recommend that you look into Al-Anon. I only wish, wish, wish I had the foresight and intelligence at your age as you so obviously do, to see that something is wrong with what is going on in your life and to try to get others' perspective. I did not even begin to be as mature and daring as you are at 19, until I was 29. I hope you soon begin to find the strength and courage to leave this person behind and get enrolled in nursing school. I hope you email me when you do, too, because you will then be the second person I have met on SR who has done that!
Click here to find an Al-Anon meeting near you. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Jacksonville,Fl
Posts: 29
Originally Posted by KerBearz
My AH never really "went out" to drink... he drank a lot in the car on his way home from work or where ever he was and he isolated at home and drank a lot in the garage or in the basement after I went to bed. He usually was semi-okay when he walked in the door, but very quickly became very drunk (because he slammed it right before he got home) and then he passed out! Many happy memories, I tell ya!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
To me it's less important whether they all behave the same (drinking out, or drinking in) than whether that behavior is acceptable to me.
Whether he goes out to drink, drinks in the basement, in the car, in bed or whatever--is his behavior acceptable to you? Is that the kind of life you want to lead? Is his "lifestyle" compatible with yours?
Those are the important questions I wish I would have asked myself 20 years earlier.
L
Whether he goes out to drink, drinks in the basement, in the car, in bed or whatever--is his behavior acceptable to you? Is that the kind of life you want to lead? Is his "lifestyle" compatible with yours?
Those are the important questions I wish I would have asked myself 20 years earlier.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
he's never abused me.There was this one time though where he was suppose to come home with me,but gave me this story that he wanted to see his dog,yet instead went to hangout with his friend to drink some more,and when I found out he called me stupid and that I had no common sense.
RIGHT!
It is a progressive disease - IT WILL ESCALATE. Today it's stupid - tomorrow what will it be? Next year?
Keep posting and reading
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Gosh. 20/20 is difficult for me to deal with.
I'm reading your post and thinking to myself, why doesn't she just move on? They've been dating for 10 months and the writing is on the wall.
I never want to put myself above anyone and I know I have it easier than some people and worse than others but sheesh! Life gets harder or more complex as you get older. If you're not okay with his actions now, you probably won't be later but later will probably be harder. Take this opportunity in front of you seriously and do whats right for you.
I'm reading your post and thinking to myself, why doesn't she just move on? They've been dating for 10 months and the writing is on the wall.
I never want to put myself above anyone and I know I have it easier than some people and worse than others but sheesh! Life gets harder or more complex as you get older. If you're not okay with his actions now, you probably won't be later but later will probably be harder. Take this opportunity in front of you seriously and do whats right for you.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 29
Welcome Excordis.
Believe me when I say I know how you feel. I'm sure we all do. I've not heard from my ex for almost 2 months now. I'm going through so many roller coaster emotions. I'm angry,I'm sad,I'm missing him. It's horrible.
I'm feeling extra down today. I'd type out the whole situation but,blah. If you want to know more about my situation,just read my posts. I stuck by him for so long,and it feels like I've been discarded. I'm doing my best to focus on ME and to forget him but,UGH. I even dream of him.
*GIANT INTERNET HUGS TO YOU* Please stay strong. No matter WHAT. This place is great. It's helped me a lot.
know I cannot 'change' him,but I hope that I made some kind of significance in his life.
I'm feeling extra down today. I'd type out the whole situation but,blah. If you want to know more about my situation,just read my posts. I stuck by him for so long,and it feels like I've been discarded. I'm doing my best to focus on ME and to forget him but,UGH. I even dream of him.
*GIANT INTERNET HUGS TO YOU* Please stay strong. No matter WHAT. This place is great. It's helped me a lot.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Everyone here has given excellent advice and feedback.
Alcoholics quit drinking when they are good and ready, and not a minute sooner. He may go on this way (progressively worse) for years and years and years before he is ready. He may NEVER be ready.
Remaining involved with this guy is only going to lead to more heartbreak. I know, I've been married to two alcoholics. One got well, one didn't. I didn't have control over either one. The one who got well did so when I stepped away from the relationship because I couldn't deal with the insanity anymore. The other one is, so far as I know, still drinking himself to death. Their choices, not mine.
Alcoholics quit drinking when they are good and ready, and not a minute sooner. He may go on this way (progressively worse) for years and years and years before he is ready. He may NEVER be ready.
Remaining involved with this guy is only going to lead to more heartbreak. I know, I've been married to two alcoholics. One got well, one didn't. I didn't have control over either one. The one who got well did so when I stepped away from the relationship because I couldn't deal with the insanity anymore. The other one is, so far as I know, still drinking himself to death. Their choices, not mine.
Climbing hills, flying down...
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Welcome to SR! You are very young and have your whole life ahead of you...so my advice would be to figure out what you want...and also know that you cannot change his behavior. He has to come to that realization. You can make being with him more bearable or come to the realization that you want something different. The important thing is that you are here and you are working on changing you, which is the person you can change.
Stick around, keep posting, and sending you hugs!
Stick around, keep posting, and sending you hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 29
Lexie,
I hope to get to that point sometime soon. I still care for my Ex boyfriend. He is the one who pushed me away.(For drinking,or another woman)
I wish to god I could just forget him,but it's so hard. We were like best friends for a long time.
Oh well. Someday I hope to have a clear head when it comes to this.
I love this place,and though I don't know you all personally,I love you as well.
I hope to get to that point sometime soon. I still care for my Ex boyfriend. He is the one who pushed me away.(For drinking,or another woman)
I wish to god I could just forget him,but it's so hard. We were like best friends for a long time.
Oh well. Someday I hope to have a clear head when it comes to this.
I love this place,and though I don't know you all personally,I love you as well.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Music,
One of the things that helped me step away, both times, was reminding myself that my loved one had his own higher power--and it wasn't me.
I don't have the power to fix their alcoholism, their messed-up thinking. It's hard to let go of the romantic notion that we can, but it isn't reality. In the movies, one person's love and caring brings about miraculous changes. But that's fiction.
It's a waste of your own life to pine away for something that isn't real. There are people out there on whom your love won't be wasted. You'll miss out on that by chasing an illusion.
One of the things that helped me step away, both times, was reminding myself that my loved one had his own higher power--and it wasn't me.
I don't have the power to fix their alcoholism, their messed-up thinking. It's hard to let go of the romantic notion that we can, but it isn't reality. In the movies, one person's love and caring brings about miraculous changes. But that's fiction.
It's a waste of your own life to pine away for something that isn't real. There are people out there on whom your love won't be wasted. You'll miss out on that by chasing an illusion.
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