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New here and dating an alcoholic.

Old 08-06-2010, 08:43 AM
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New here and dating an alcoholic.

Hello,this is my first post and I've been looking through and reading some posts and feel that I am in the same position (hence the fact that I am here).I've been dating this guy for 10 months now,he's 24 years old,a marine,and still lives with his parents because he cannot handle himself...to put it lightly.

When I met him he was in Iraq (we met online).We chatted through messenger and webcam for almost a month before we got together.When he first came home,I remember we went out to a hookah lounge and he had a couple of drinks.I didn't think much of it since,well he's a marine and you know those stereotypes.As months past by,I've noticed how bad it started to become.One time he even left for a couple days without talking to me and just stayed at some girl's house (who turned out to be really crazy) and drank all the time.

A few months after that,he would drink a couple times more,but it was never as bad as that time.I began to recognize his pattern (like what time he'd come home,and the fact that he won't call me if he's out)2 months ago he went to Latvia,and when he came back he just got worse,he drank more than normal and would hide drinks in his room.Then we went to AA meetings together,I felt like we were actually going somewhere with this.Then 3 weeks ago or so,he had to go train in California.He came back the same...however the past week his parents gave him an ultimatum,if he doesn't get straight in 2 months,they will kick him out.

I was planning on breaking up with him last week,but for some reason,I keep going back.I think it's because I keep hoping that he will change...we've been through a lot,and I know thats not really a good enough excuse to stay with someone who makes you cry more than smile,but I don't want to see him on the streets.Another thing is,I am a patient person...but I've waited a long time for him to get better.And I don't get half as much the effort as I put into the relationship.His family wants me to stay and help him,and I feel stuck...I'm not sure what to do anymore.
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Old 08-06-2010, 08:55 AM
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Welcome to the SR family!

You will find loads of information and support for yourself here. Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home.

I see that you attended a few AA meetings. How much do you understand about alcoholism?

I needed facts on alcoholism. I needed to wrap my brain around how someone becomes addicted. I found by reading on this website the excerpts to a book "Under the Influence". Here is the link:http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

I also found face-to-face support at Alanon meetings. I recommend them to you and your abf (alcoholic boy friend)'s parents. The meetings are based on the same 12 steps and traditions of AA, but adapted for friends and family of alcoholics.

I am sure that your abf's parents want more than anything to see their son recovered from this addiction. That is likely why they asked you to stay involved in this situation. However, the best source of support for their son is a professional counselor, another recovering alcoholic with more experience, and/or a support group.

The three C's of alcoholism:
You did not cause this
You can not control this
You will not cure this

The cause, control and cure lie within the alcoholic. They will choose recovery when they are ready.
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Old 08-06-2010, 08:58 AM
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his Excordis and to SR. I'm glad you found us.

Let me first post the 3 C's of addiction for you:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

This "mantra" really helped focus me when I was trying to understand my XAH (ex alcoholic husband)'s alcoholism. I too was VERY patient. I too thought that with time, my love, and patience, he'd somehow "see the light" and realize that he NEEDED to stop drinking.

It never happened.

You're way smarter and more honest than I ever was with myself when I decided, against everyone's advice to MARRY the alcoholic and drug user I was dating. You've only been with him 10 months and you can already see how unfair and toxic he is to you.

I know how hard breaking up is, especially when you're the one doing the breaking. In the end though, 10 months of your entire life is nothing...a drop in the proverbial bucket. If you care for your boyfriend, step back and give him the space he needs to find recovery on his own. He may NEVER find it, but at least you'll have protected yourself.

As one of our super wise SR members said today, "Self-love is not selfish".

Choose yourself, because if you don't, neither will he. The booze will always come first.

Keep posting and reading. SR is always open
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:01 AM
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Welcome to SR, excordis. You have come to the right place to find people who understand what you are going through. If you have been reading this forum, you already know what many of us have dealt with regarding active alcoholics. I find it ironic that his parents have said he has to leave if he doesn't get straight, yet they want you to stick around and "help" him. This is not your problem, it is his. There is nothing you can do to make him better. He has to do the work, but first, he has to want it. You keep hoping that he will change, but until he makes the decision to do whatever is necessary to get and stay sober, the situation will not get better and will eventually get much worse.

You are not stuck. You have choices. The right choice is always to do what is best for YOU. We are here to support you.
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:27 AM
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Thanks for the support,thats really what I've been needing the past couple of days.I've been fighting with myself whether or not to stay with him.I know the people that care about me don't want me to stay with him,and I feel that they're tired of me talking about his problems,so I don't tell anyone anything anymore...and with that I feel like I'm suffering alone.

The funny thing is(well it's not really funny literally) that his older sister is married to a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. She knows what her brother is going through,and has given me advice.Right now she and her husband are doing well and are living in the Virgin Islands.

His parents have told me that his drinking has been going on for 7 years at least,and he has done drugs as well.I'm not sure if he's doing them now.I know the people he hangs out with are not good,and it sucks because they live close by to him.Another thing is that his two cousins have had problems with drinking as well. From what his parents told me,before he started drinking,he was a very good kid and always did what he was told.One day I asked him where it all started,and he said it was when his ex gf in high school just dumped him out of no where one day.He said he even changed schools to be with her.

I know I cannot 'change' him,but I hope that I made some kind of significance in his life.I honestly wish he came with a warning tag before I met him,because it isn't fair for anyone to go through this.I'm giving him one last chance...and I've given him multiple chances to straighten up,but I know that this one would be the last. I know I have the choice to leave,but I fear that he will end up on the streets living under a bridge or something.

Also,I have heard of Al-Anon,I've looked up some meetings and I do plan on going.Do they offer free counseling as well?Because I know that I have felt quite anxious lately because whenever I'm not with him I feel that he will go off again and do something stupid.
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:32 AM
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ExCordis, can I please ask you something? What are your hopes and dreams and goals for your future? Where would you like to BE two years from now, five years from now, ten years from now? An astronaut? A biology teacher? A dog trainer? A firefighter? Living in London? Starting your own business? Owning a restaurant? Volunteering in India? Shopping on Rodeo Drive? IDK how old you are but I am figuring you are around 21 years old, given that this guy is 24. Is there something about YOU and what you want out of YOUR life that you can tell us about?
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by ExCordis View Post
Because I know that I have felt quite anxious lately because whenever I'm not with him I feel that he will go off again and do something stupid.
The hardest part about being with an alcoholic (or being related to one), is accepting the fact that no matter what you do, they're going to go off and do whatever the heck they want. Nothing you say, or do, or *don't* say or *don't* do can ever change the fact that their DOC (drug of choice) comes first. It's nothing personal really. It's just how they are.

I understand your anxiety. I've felt it myself. If you examine it honestly, I think you'll find that it stems from believing that somehow you can PREVENT him from hurting himself or from drinking himself into a stupor. I'll be blunt here: you simply do not have the power to do that.

The only power you have is over yourself, your attitudes and actions.

Please go to Al-Anon! It saved my butt many times when I thought I was going CRAZY. That and SR

Give him one chance if you must. When you're ready...when you've reached YOUR bottom, you'll say "Enough".

Until then, keep posting!
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:40 AM
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Hon, if he is going to go off and do something stupid, he'll do it whether you are around or not. Remember this?

One time he even left for a couple days without talking to me and just stayed at some girl's house (who turned out to be really crazy) and drank all the time.

It sounds as if you think you can control what he does, but you cannot. Hopefully, you will come to realize that sooner rather than later. Good luck.
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
ExCordis, can I please ask you something? What are your hopes and dreams and goals for your future? Where would you like to BE two years from now, five years from now, ten years from now? An astronaut? A biology teacher? A dog trainer? A firefighter? Living in London? Starting your own business? Owning a restaurant? Volunteering in India? Shopping on Rodeo Drive? IDK how old you are but I am figuring you are around 21 years old, given that this guy is 24. Is there something about YOU and what you want out of YOUR life that you can tell us about?
Well,there's a lot that I want to do with my life.I want to go into the Air Force or either do something in medical,like become a certified nurse anesthetist.I'm currently in college full time and work part time.I'm actually 19,and yes I believe it's quite crazy myself that I'm already going to AA meetings.I can do all these things without him,and I plan on to.I'm starting to realize,after reading many posts from here,that I have to learn to let go,and let myself live.Yet,for some reason I'm still clinging on.I think it's that fear that wants me to stay,when it use to be hope.
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Hon, if he is going to go off and do something stupid, he'll do it whether you are around or not. Remember this?

One time he even left for a couple days without talking to me and just stayed at some girl's house (who turned out to be really crazy) and drank all the time.

It sounds as if you think you can control what he does, but you cannot. Hopefully, you will come to realize that sooner rather than latter. Good luck.
Heh,I started to realize that a couple weeks ago.I remember I would always tell him,"Hey,don't go anything stupid while I'm gone" and before I knew it,he would.I always felt that,if he loved me he wouldn't do the things he did.Now that I've read a few posts from other people,I know that this addiction is selfish.He will always put alcohol before me,and his family until his straightens up.It just saddens me because I have to also realize that it's true.It's almost like a nightmare.
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Old 08-06-2010, 09:54 AM
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Yes, it can feel like a nightmare but it really isn't. Imagine it being 5 years down the road and you are married and have a child or two. Getting away would then be a nightmare. Right now, it's relatively easy. Stay strong, you can do this and you will thank yourself later.
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Yes, it can feel like a nightmare but it really isn't. Imagine it being 5 years down the road and you are married and have a child or two. Getting away would then be a nightmare. Right now, it's relatively easy. Stay strong, you can do this and you will thank yourself later.
I use to want to get married with him and actually brought it up,and at least he had the decency to tell me that he wanted to get everything straight before he even thought about getting married.Now,I'm pretty much resentful towards him.I know it probably doesn't help being mean to him and telling him that I wish I could find someone that would treat me waaaay better than he ever will to his face,but I just want him to feel a little bad.I always ask him if he was in my position,what he would do.I'm just trying to understand why he would or could hurt people so much.I know he's a good guy when he's sober,and I miss that person even though he comes every couple of weeks and stays for a couple of days. I know,it's not that bad now,and well I can never imagine getting married to him now,but I just want to see how it's going to go this time,even though in my heart I know that it will probably just end up being the same.
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by ExCordis View Post
Well,there's a lot that I want to do with my life.I want to go into the Air Force or either do something in medical,like become a certified nurse anesthetist.I'm currently in college full time and work part time.I'm actually 19,and yes I believe it's quite crazy myself that I'm already going to AA meetings.I can do all these things without him,and I plan on to.I'm starting to realize,after reading many posts from here,that I have to learn to let go,and let myself live.Yet,for some reason I'm still clinging on.I think it's that fear that wants me to stay,when it use to be hope.
That is awesome that you have so many things that you want to do with your life! Especially at age 19! So why do you suppose you have latched onto this guy in particular? Do you envision him going with you when you join the Air Force? Or being there when you go to nursing school? Is he helping you some way in accomplishing these goals? Where does he fit in the dream of your life?

Or is it like you say just fear of letting go that keeps you hanging onto this guy? What steps can you take in the direction of what YOU want to do for YOUR life that will get you one little step away from him? The Obama Administration just awarded $159.1 Million in grants for training nurses and geriatric care workers. I'm not sure which schools or states are getting that money but you might be able to get nursing school paid for.
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
That is awesome that you have so many things that you want to do with your life! Especially at age 19! So why do you suppose you have latched onto this guy in particular? Do you envision him going with you when you join the Air Force? Or being there when you go to nursing school? Is he helping you some way in accomplishing these goals? Where does he fit in the dream of your life?

Or is it like you say just fear of letting go that keeps you hanging onto this guy? What steps can you take in the direction of what YOU want to do for YOUR life that will get you one little step away from him? The Obama Administration just awarded $159.1 Million in grants for training nurses and geriatric care workers. I'm not sure which schools or states are getting that money but you might be able to get nursing school paid for.
We share many of the same goals,so thats probably why.He's my best friend,at least when he's sober.He's easy to talk to and I know he won't judge me.I don't see us going into the Air Force together,but if he decided that he wanted to,then that would be awesome. And he has been there for me when I needed help with school,he helped me with my projects and helped me study. I actually got him into college because that was one of his goals,unfortunately he couldn't keep up with it,but he wants to go back again. Right now I'm not really sure where he would fit in my future,maybe just as a friend now at least. I've felt different towards him since he came back.We're not as passionate anymore because he's been depressed lately.

Letting go is definitely one of my fears,and seeing him end up on the streets one day.That would break my heart even more.I heard about the grants that Obama was giving out,and I will look more into that.Right now I'm just getting my pre-requisites out of the way and I get my AA degree next fall.

I really want him to go active duty in the Marines (right now he is a reservist and is living by with unemployment checks) because at least he will be busy and he will be out of the house,have his own place thats paid for,and etc.Also,his marine buddies will help him out if he needed it. I'm not sure what's holding him back though.
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by ExCordis View Post
Well,there's a lot that I want to do with my life.I want to go into the Air Force or either do something in medical,like become a certified nurse anesthetist.I'm currently in college full time and work part time.I'm actually 19,and yes I believe it's quite crazy myself that I'm already going to AA meetings.I can do all these things without him,and I plan on to.I'm starting to realize,after reading many posts from here,that I have to learn to let go,and let myself live.Yet,for some reason I'm still clinging on.I think it's that fear that wants me to stay,when it use to be hope.
Wow your head is on WAY straighter than mine was at 19! Whoohooo for you!!

You're very honest and perceptive when you say it's fear holding you back. Kudos to you. It took me a long time to realize that. I kept thinking that I *had* to stay, that it was my *duty* to stay with my XAH, etc etc. Eventually, I realized that it was just my fear of being alone, with a little baby, and with an X who would harassh me to no end. Heck, he's STILL harassing me today!

FTR there's no age for AA or Al-Anon meetings. You just happen to have the presence of mind to go now, and learn the tools BEFORE you get in too deep, whether it be with this guy or with another person. I wish someone had taught me this when I was 19.
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:23 AM
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If only I knew as much as you already know right now at 19.

Sweetheart there are 7 BILLION people in the world.

Try a few more...
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by ChrrisT View Post
Sweetheart there are 7 BILLION people in the world.

Try a few more...

That might be my favorite point of the day. Thanks, Chris!
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day View Post
Wow your head is on WAY straighter than mine was at 19! Whoohooo for you!!

You're very honest and perceptive when you say it's fear holding you back. Kudos to you. It took me a long time to realize that. I kept thinking that I *had* to stay, that it was my *duty* to stay with my XAH, etc etc. Eventually, I realized that it was just my fear of being alone, with a little baby, and with an X who would harassh me to no end. Heck, he's STILL harassing me today!

FTR there's no age for AA or Al-Anon meetings. You just happen to have the presence of mind to go now, and learn the tools BEFORE you get in too deep, whether it be with this guy or with another person. I wish someone had taught me this when I was 19.
Heh,I just recently realized that it was fear that is holding me back.Sometimes I do still think that I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO stay with this person to help,but a person can only do so much,and I already have a broken spirit so,there's pretty much nothing left he can do. There's also those hopes and dreams that I came up with for us that made me want to stay.I use to be blinded by all those,but I know now what I'm getting myself into,it's just a matter of fact of me to take action for myself. It's kind of personal,but I've already poured half of my heart into this forum,another reason is why I'm staying is because he is my first.
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:49 AM
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Figure out your cut off point.

Be honest with yourself. If he's already crossed it, leave or come up with some concrete boundaries that reflect you need for this thing to work And enforce them.

Last edited by ElegantlyWasted; 08-06-2010 at 10:51 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 08-06-2010, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by ExCordis View Post
His family wants me to stay and help him,and I feel stuck...I'm not sure what to do anymore.
Welcome to SR ExCordis, I just want to comment on the above quote from you. One of the main reasons that I have stayed married to my alcoholic husband for so many years is because I felt it would not be fair to burden his parents with the reality of his addiction. I do not know how it happened, but somewhere along the way I became responsible for protecting others (his parents and our children) from his addiction. Somehow this became MY burden to bear! I was so afraid and so ashamed that I did not reach out for help until I realized that HIS addiction is so much more than I can handle.

I just want to say that I now know that my husband's alcoholism is so much bigger than me! I did NOT cause it, I can NOT control it and I can NOT cure it! I have tried... take care of yourself and let the other adult people around you take care of themselves!
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