Blogs


Notices

Help!! Need some advice/support/whatever!!

Old 05-01-2010, 10:15 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
mishaco1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Exclamation Help!! Need some advice/support/whatever!!

I am really sick this morning and decided to stay home and not go to Al-Anon and sleep for a little while.

I was sleeping when my phone rang and being half asleep and my head being all stuffed, I just answered... It was XABF.

He did not go to his first day of work because he woke up a half hour late. I freaked out. Was yelling. Telling him to go anyway and to explain he did not hear his alarm and to do everything in his power to keep that job.

He refused. Too much pride. That was at 9:30, it is now 11.

I am freaking out. I know it is not my problem but I know he will do everything in his power to make it mine. He will be homeless now for sure and he will have no money because once his dad finds out, he will no longer help him.

He is now texting me all this crap about how he always loved me and always will and wishes things could be different and I am pretty sure he is wasted right now.

I'm so scared. For different reasons... He is (a) going to show up here drunk and then I am going to have to call the police or he is (b) somehow going to be nice because he knows he is no longer going to have anybody and I am going to fall for it and I am going to put myself right back into a world of misery and hell.

And I have this very bad feeling it is going to be (b).

So right now I am panicking... I do not want to do this. I do not want this to happen. I cannot handle the stress of this happening. I cannot go through this EVER again. So I feel my only choice is to forget about the court sh*t and change my number TODAY and never have contact again.

I made him switch the storage unit to his name yesterday and all of his vehicles are now gone so there is nothing for him to hold over my head or to come get so I would call the cops when he shows up here.

Problem... Thinking about changing my number later today is almost putting me in tears! I am panicking over that and over what is going to happen. What the hell is wrong with me?! I REALLY REALLY need to do it but I just don't know if I can.

Something is seriously wrong with me. I need to do this. Please tell me I need to do this...

I know it sounds stupid but maybe hearing it from other people that this is my only choice will help. I don't know.

mishaco1 is offline  
Old 05-01-2010, 10:20 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
mishaco1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
See... It is already beginning. Text that JUST came through: I don't understand why you are so insecure. You're a gorgeous girl who has a lot to offer. It makes no sense to me.

I can read him like a book. I can't really understand why this is so hard for me?!
mishaco1 is offline  
Old 05-01-2010, 10:35 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
sesh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
You need to do it! You have to do it!
I can understand your panic, especially since he might turn up at your door. So I'm thinking is there any place you can go to for a weekend? Or at least for the rest of the day?
I know he shouldn't be able to chase you out of your home, but I believe it'd do you good to go somewhere else, switch your phone off and calm down. Give yourself some time to start breathing again by removing yourself from the situation.
I know the problems will be there waiting for you when you come back, but by than you might feel more ready to deal with it. take a time out to regroup yourself.
That's what I would do.
Hope it helps.
take care
sesh is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to sesh For This Useful Post:
mishaco1 (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 10:43 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
You can change your number and notify the court that you have done so. You don't NEED to keep the same phone number. Why do you feel you can't do that? Whenever I have been in situations like this with alcoholics and addicts, I have RUN (temporarily anyway). Is there any way you can get out of town for a while, go to a friend's house? You are not responsible for this man or for taking care of him. DON'T fall for his lies and manipulations! No Contact!
Learn2Live is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Learn2Live For This Useful Post:
Leise (05-01-2010), mishaco1 (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 11:07 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Mischaco1,

When I blocked an email address and got call waiting, I felt such strong and immediate relief. It was instant. Seriously, it was and is the BEST feeling for me to know that my day couldn't be blasted by an emotional panic surge. I'm grateful for it daily. I had felt my chest tighten every time the phone rang or the email blooped. No more!

1234
1234 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to 1234 For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (05-01-2010), Leise (05-01-2010), mishaco1 (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 11:10 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
ItsmeAlice's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
When I had moments like this where something my XABF was doing that put me in a spin the wise folks here encouraged me to read up on detachment. It's detachment that keeps you from responding emotionally when an addict screws up their life, which let's face it, is a daily thing.

Try thinking of it this way....He probably considered going to that first day on the job and then started wondering how he could get out of it. At least that's what my X seemed to think because in reality having to work and be responsible only cut into his addicted lifestyle. IME, the addict starts thinking about who to lean on, who to push, or how to borrow, beg, or steal their way into having their lifestyle supported so they don't have to do the whole job thing at all.

What would possess your XABF to call with such flattery for you and self loathing for himself? Does it matter? It's all manipulation and self seeking bulls**t. It's an agenda. If he really wanted to go to that job, he would have gone.

While we all wish addicts would just apply the same energy and furvor that they do to pursue their addiction on getting and holding down a responsible job and life, it's not going to happen until they hit bottom. Stop standing in his way and cushioning his fall. Change your number. Notify the court. Get back to that nap already because I doubt you're magically feeling less tired.

You can do this! You deserve this!

Alice
ItsmeAlice is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to ItsmeAlice For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (05-02-2010), Leise (05-01-2010), mishaco1 (05-01-2010), tigger11 (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 11:37 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
celticghirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: england
Posts: 162
Get your number changed for your own sake you are feeling weak an phonecalls from him will take you back to the hell.
Don't fall for his lies.
Maybe you should try and get away but if you can't or don't want to do that,do one thing and thats do not speak to him he is drunk and why should you talk or help someone who continues to mess up his life with you in it or not. Take care i know how you feel and i really hope you follow wha yu gut is already telling you,you won't regret it........ BUT YOU WILL REGRET TALKING TO HIM OR BEING NEAR HIM! i can almost promise you that. xxxxxx
celticghirl is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to celticghirl For This Useful Post:
mishaco1 (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 11:42 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hammerhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
He is now texting me all this crap about how he always loved me and always will and wishes things could be different and I am pretty sure he is wasted right now.
This is a manipulative hook... nothing changes if nothing changes.


I'm so scared. For different reasons... He is (a) going to show up here drunk and then I am going to have to call the police or he is (b) somehow going to be nice because he knows he is no longer going to have anybody and I am going to fall for it and I am going to put myself right back into a world of misery and hell.

And I have this very bad feeling it is going to be (b).
"If you are distressed by anything external,
the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it;
and this you have the power to revoke at any moment."
Charles F. Kettering


So right now I am panicking... I do not want to do this. I do not want this to happen. I cannot handle the stress of this happening. I cannot go through this EVER again. So I feel my only choice is to forget about the court sh*t and change my number TODAY and never have contact again.
S-l-o-w.... d-o-w-n...... a-n-d...... b-r-e-a-t-h-e........ It seems overwhelming because you are taking it all on at once...

The only thing you have control over is you... you have the ability and the power to choose differently... you just need to reach for it...

Problem... Thinking about changing my number later today is almost putting me in tears! I am panicking over that and over what is going to happen. What the hell is wrong with me?! I REALLY REALLY need to do it but I just don't know if I can.
Again, sounds to me like you're worrying about everything. Please don't misunderstand me or think that I'm being condescending... It may help if you write down a list of priorities and go from there.....

I know you're feeling bad today... maybe it would be good if you could get out to a meeting and see your sponsor... that would be taking care of YOU and you won't be tempted IF he came over.

For example if tranquility is what you need... right now.... turn off your phone.

Do not communicate with him... his actions or self-inflicted problems do not require communication from you.... nor can they be solved by you.

Something is seriously wrong with me. I need to do this. Please tell me I need to do this...

I know it sounds stupid but maybe hearing it from other people that this is my only choice will help. I don't know.
Nothing is wrong with you... in my opinion...you're feeling out of sorts because your actions and thoughts are not on the same wave length....

You will do what you need to when you've had enough...

We are here for you.


See... It is already beginning. Text that JUST came through: I don't understand why you are so insecure. You're a gorgeous girl who has a lot to offer. It makes no sense to me.

I can read him like a book. I can't really understand why this is so hard for me?!
Another manipulative hook... apparently it's worked for him before... but you have removed the magical veil and are seeing him for what he is....

Take care of YOU.

((hugs))
Hammerhead is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hammerhead For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (05-02-2010), mishaco1 (05-01-2010), theuncertainty (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 03:52 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
mishaco1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Thank you so much.

I turned off my phone and I fell back asleep. Just barely woke up again and again am freaking out a bit but am a little less tired and am trying to sort through all this.

When I turned my phone back on, there was no messages or anything so I am going to take Hammerhead's advice (and thank you for being back! I needed to see that: Nothing changes if nothing changes) and I am going to write some things down and figure out from there. Make a priority list.

This morning it did hit me like a ton of bricks and EVERYTHING was flooding out of me at once and I wanted to run. I wanted to take off, never look back and get the hell out of here. Which of course is not an option for me. I have a career, own my place and quite frankly, I like my life aside from the crap he puts me through.

And Leise... YOu are right too. Of course he is wasted. Any excuse to drink is a good enough excuse. Doesn't matter what it is.

His excuse earlier today: He didn't have an alarm clock. My thoughts on that: Alarm clocks are as cheap as $10. That handle of vodka he is drinking a day is $8.99 on top of the shooters he is buying at $1.09 a pop... Ummm, could've bought an alarm clock.

Wow. Well, again, thank you everyone. I have a lot to figure out in my jumbled mind. I do know one thing for a fact: I will not and cannot let him back and fall for his manipulation. It will end up being the death of me.
mishaco1 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to mishaco1 For This Useful Post:
Hammerhead (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 04:10 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hammerhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
BTW... most if not all cell phones have alarm clocks in them... but he explained that he didn't hear his... which means he had one... but didn't respond.

It really is a moot point... it is none of your business... he called you to make it your business... thus pulling you back into "the dance"...


Upon second review I had an epiphany....


Telling him to go anyway and to explain he did not hear his alarm and to do everything in his power to keep that job.

He refused. Too much pride. That was at 9:30, it is now 11.
How many times as codies do we do the exact same thing with relationships... we refuse to hear the truth... because we have too much pride... no matter what the cost?

Hmmmmm....
Hammerhead is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Hammerhead For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (05-02-2010), kittykitty (05-02-2010), Leise (05-01-2010), mishaco1 (05-01-2010), tigger11 (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 04:14 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
It's really interesting to me that you say you have a "feeling" that you're going to get sucked back in. It's so funny to me, because I've felt the exact same way, but when you hear someone else say it, you realize how silly it is to say, "I have a feeling I'm going to make the choice to do this thing that I don't want to do." You know what I mean? It just made me realize what I'm saying when I say this about myself.
wanting is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to wanting For This Useful Post:
Leise (05-01-2010), mishaco1 (05-01-2010), wicked (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 04:21 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
mishaco1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Hammerhead View Post
BTW... most if not all cell phones have alarm clocks in them... but he explained that he didn't hear his... which means he had one... but didn't respond.

It really is a moot point... it is none of your business... he called you to make it your business... thus pulling you back into "the dance"...


Upon second review I had an epiphany....




How many times as codies do we do the exact same thing with relationships... we refuse to hear the truth... because we have too much pride... no matter what the cost?

Hmmmmm....
You are SO very right! Sucks to have that pointed out at times...

mishaco1 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to mishaco1 For This Useful Post:
Hammerhead (05-01-2010), Leise (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 04:24 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
mishaco1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by wanting View Post
It's really interesting to me that you say you have a "feeling" that you're going to get sucked back in. It's so funny to me, because I've felt the exact same way, but when you hear someone else say it, you realize how silly it is to say, "I have a feeling I'm going to make the choice to do this thing that I don't want to do." You know what I mean? It just made me realize what I'm saying when I say this about myself.
Wow. Yeah, never looked at it that way. It does sound pretty silly/crazy. Like we know we will make the conscious decision to pick the very wrong decision...

Makes me feel crazy at least.
mishaco1 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to mishaco1 For This Useful Post:
Leise (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 04:26 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hammerhead's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
You are SO very right! Sucks to have that pointed out at times...

It does get better... I promise... stay the course.

Take care of YOU.
Hammerhead is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Hammerhead For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (05-02-2010), mishaco1 (05-01-2010)
Old 05-01-2010, 06:27 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
coffeedrinker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by mishaco1 View Post
And I have this very bad feeling it is going to be (b).
this is what most stuck out for me as well. we see the fire, we know it will burn, yet we consiously go to it.


but you didn't !

yay for you. that's progress. to break a habit, you have to repeatedly
not do it. it takes practice.

be proud of yourself.
coffeedrinker is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to coffeedrinker For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (05-02-2010), Learn2Live (05-02-2010), Leise (05-01-2010), mishaco1 (05-02-2010), wicked (05-01-2010)
Old 05-02-2010, 01:17 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
mishaco1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker View Post
this is what most stuck out for me as well. we see the fire, we know it will burn, yet we consiously go to it.


but you didn't !

yay for you. that's progress. to break a habit, you have to repeatedly
not do it. it takes practice.

be proud of yourself.

Thank you Coffee. I'm feeling very weak again but you are right, I need to be proud of myself once in a while. I did not run over there, I did not get up and try to fix everything. I went back to sleep. I think I am just getting too fed up with everything that I am having a hard time feeling sorry for him and being nice. I'm just worried I won't do it when he starts pulling me back in with the nice things. I am going to try to avoid that all together.

I just need to try to stay strong and not get too ahead of myself. Day to day is how it is going to have to go because with him, everyday is something new and chaotic and I have been able to get through it, someway, somehow.

I went to my parents all night tonight and am feeling much better mentally. I even decided to spoil my animals because it made me feel good. So the dog, the 3 cats and the rabbit all got something special tonight! I made a decision that if I was going to take care of anyone today and spend money it would be on my babies and not on him!

Just have to add: So thankful for SR! I know I have said this before but I was having a panic attack, came here and knew someone would be around to get me to calm down!

So, so thankful I stumbled across this site!

mishaco1 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:41 AM.