Down and sad
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Down and sad
Had an awesome day yesterday. Today? Sad and mad! I put so much into the relationship with XAGF and it's like gone in a paragraph reply in an email. No voices, eyes to look at, body to hug, just words in a stupid email.
I've had other broken relationships where we both cried, talked and respected each other's decisions. Why is this relationship so odd? Is it solely due to A?
Still in love with her...........grrrrrrrrr.
I've had other broken relationships where we both cried, talked and respected each other's decisions. Why is this relationship so odd? Is it solely due to A?
Still in love with her...........grrrrrrrrr.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
Because, tpen. When dealing with an A, they do NOT process anything rational, or normal, like you or me.
They must numb their pain. Lucky us, we get to feel everything. We don't have to numb it, and we don't have the luxury of moving on without feelings. I consider myself very lucky that I have the capacity to feel, love and be in pain. It means that I will heal, and move on to bigger, better things!
So will you!
They must numb their pain. Lucky us, we get to feel everything. We don't have to numb it, and we don't have the luxury of moving on without feelings. I consider myself very lucky that I have the capacity to feel, love and be in pain. It means that I will heal, and move on to bigger, better things!
So will you!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
tpen...the up and down stuff is really normal at first, but I think you'll find that eventually, there will be more and longer UP periods and less DOWN ones. If you're sad, just live in it, express it, journal/paint/dance/sing and give it a voice. It's a good way to purge it from your system.
It will pass. Honest.
It will pass. Honest.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
I had a very hard break up with an ex I was with for 15 yrs. It was heart WRENCHING, but when I left my AXBF, it was bizzare and strange and odd and I felt heart sick more than heart broken,
Like IAMSAVED said, nothing is "normal" in their thought process. Well unless they are in true recovery. While using, it's just WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD
I've read a few of your posts, have you thought about getting pissed. I mean really angry!
That's what got me through the last heart break. It took me 2 months but then I was like "pssst, I'm on easy street now" But I was angry. Angry at my for taking the BS. Angry at him for being so SCREWED UP and that anger motivated me to get over it and do some really great things following
Like IAMSAVED said, nothing is "normal" in their thought process. Well unless they are in true recovery. While using, it's just WEIRD WEIRD WEIRD
I've read a few of your posts, have you thought about getting pissed. I mean really angry!
That's what got me through the last heart break. It took me 2 months but then I was like "pssst, I'm on easy street now" But I was angry. Angry at my for taking the BS. Angry at him for being so SCREWED UP and that anger motivated me to get over it and do some really great things following
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Anywhere but here...
Posts: 227
I was not suggesting A's do NOT have feelings. Their feelings are not rational or normal. She is probably not feeling what you think she is, because her feelings are numbed by alcohol.
She cannot feel pain in losing you, because her first and only love is the alcohol. It would give her MORE PAIN to loose the booze, than lose loving, caring people in her life. Ridiculous? Of course! Baffling? YES, to the normal, rational, undiseased mind. To the mind of an A, YOU are the problem, and not having you around, gives her the freedom to pursue her love...alcohol.
Sad, terrible and depressing, but a fact of life with an A. It completely baffled me when I left my A, and he didn't come after me. He chose the bars, karoake and booze over us. He let me go, and chose instead to continue his affair with his beer. THAT is what he needs more than he needed me, or our future. Maybe someday that will change. But I am not willing to wait for that day to come. I have a chance at a new life, with a man who loves ME more than the drink. And honey, I'm taking that over living with an irrational, blameshifting, abusive, sad, depressed drunk.
Life is good, and this too shall pass! Stay strong!
She cannot feel pain in losing you, because her first and only love is the alcohol. It would give her MORE PAIN to loose the booze, than lose loving, caring people in her life. Ridiculous? Of course! Baffling? YES, to the normal, rational, undiseased mind. To the mind of an A, YOU are the problem, and not having you around, gives her the freedom to pursue her love...alcohol.
Sad, terrible and depressing, but a fact of life with an A. It completely baffled me when I left my A, and he didn't come after me. He chose the bars, karoake and booze over us. He let me go, and chose instead to continue his affair with his beer. THAT is what he needs more than he needed me, or our future. Maybe someday that will change. But I am not willing to wait for that day to come. I have a chance at a new life, with a man who loves ME more than the drink. And honey, I'm taking that over living with an irrational, blameshifting, abusive, sad, depressed drunk.
Life is good, and this too shall pass! Stay strong!
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Only confusion though is I wasn't upset at her drinking except for the increasing lies, more it was her permiscous behavior online and txt messages. I almost see that more as the problem. Can they be related perhaps, because I know she drank wine every night after work?
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Originally Posted by tpen 
Only confusion though is I wasn't upset at her drinking except for the increasing lies, more it was her permiscous behavior online and txt messages. I almost see that more as the problem. Can they be related perhaps, because I know she drank wine every night after work?
L
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It's ALWAYS about the behavior. Whether you are with an alcoholic or not, unacceptable behavior is still unacceptable. The REASONS why someone behaves the way they do is their problem, not yours. Your problem is to figure out what is acceptable to you, and more importantly, what isn't. 
L
L
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Tpen - I just wanted to say that i know EXACTLY what you mean. I totally had my up days followed by the down days. But as was stated, you notice there are more up days than down days as time progresses.
I too felt/feel a lot of pain that my XA seems to feel absolutely nothing in losing me. I move 1000 miles away (thank goodness!) in 30 days, and the last words we said to each other were just horrible words. I also get no goodbye, no hug, no ounce of I will miss you in my life.
And he minimizes it all.....he minimizes what our friendship was, to him I hardly meant a thing, and he can't "understand why I feel the way I do since he never said we were in a real relationship", that seems to be the two feet he stands on.
So believe meeee....I get how you are feeling right now. And believe me, that the longer you are away, the better you will feel.
Also thanks to EVERYONE who posted their replies...they help me out too!
I too felt/feel a lot of pain that my XA seems to feel absolutely nothing in losing me. I move 1000 miles away (thank goodness!) in 30 days, and the last words we said to each other were just horrible words. I also get no goodbye, no hug, no ounce of I will miss you in my life.
And he minimizes it all.....he minimizes what our friendship was, to him I hardly meant a thing, and he can't "understand why I feel the way I do since he never said we were in a real relationship", that seems to be the two feet he stands on.
So believe meeee....I get how you are feeling right now. And believe me, that the longer you are away, the better you will feel.
Also thanks to EVERYONE who posted their replies...they help me out too!
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Thanks Kittyboo. I went golfing tonight and had dinner at the clubhouse and it helped, but then home by 9. Could of stayed out and went dancing somewhere, but my heart isnt' there at all. Plus, that's not the life I want. I want maturity, compassion and sound decision making.
Her on the other hand..............I'm sure out with a guy tonight as I noticed she isn't logged onto myspace. I know everyone! I'm not supposed to be even looking. Please atleast give me credit for not calling, texting, emailing or writing a letter. This checking up enables me to see the real her and proves she is a liar.
She had also stated to me during the email correspondence breakup that she was going to work on herself and being a better parent. Right! A better parent who is on myspace every evening. Sorry, it's just that I would die to have those kids and play hopscotch and teeball with them. I love them so much!
Enough venting and thanks to all again for the support. You mean alot to me.
Her on the other hand..............I'm sure out with a guy tonight as I noticed she isn't logged onto myspace. I know everyone! I'm not supposed to be even looking. Please atleast give me credit for not calling, texting, emailing or writing a letter. This checking up enables me to see the real her and proves she is a liar.
She had also stated to me during the email correspondence breakup that she was going to work on herself and being a better parent. Right! A better parent who is on myspace every evening. Sorry, it's just that I would die to have those kids and play hopscotch and teeball with them. I love them so much!
Enough venting and thanks to all again for the support. You mean alot to me.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
If you love kids why not volunteer in some children-dedicated organization?
tpen I get how it feels.
Kitty, I also get how it feels.
Its like you imagined everything and nothing happened for them, as if they never met you.
But its also true, it comes a time when its about who accepts booze and all the behaviors that come with it -or who accepts cheating, etc) and who doesn't.
Mourning sucks but you're already getting out there and enjoying moments, it took me MONTHS to do that so you're doing good!!
Also if you don't mind, I read some sentences that I believe are not yours but your ego's.
Proving they are faulty
Proving they are lying
Proving they are alcoholics
I mean I almost went insane trying to know if anyone else considered XABF an alkie! that would validate my suspicions! that would validate my leaving! that would validate I had some worth! then I spent a lot of time trying to assume or know XABF was probably miserable! that it was all a show! that his happiness is not real! that would leave some happiness or joy for me to take.
Wrong again. Its all the voice of the ego...
Only God can judge them.
Only God knows why everything happens as it happens. Your job is to learn the lessons and avoid more suffering. To bring peace to this world by not exercising violence against yourself.
She can do whatever she wants and she will do it anyway. She is not yours.
AND
You do not belong to her either. You don't belong to anyone. You are free..
BTW if she was cheating did u go for a checkup for STDs/HIV? just a practical suggestion.
It will pass, and I hope you stop peeking soon!! i did that a lot until I cried sooooo much for a full afternoon and after MONTHS of dragging my feet while he was going to the beach with GF, traveling, etc that I finally got enough.........
After sadness and seeking contact desperately , Master Anger will come and everything will be much easier then.......... well that is what happened to me anyway.
Once I was able to get angry WITH MYSELF for believing comments designed to hurt and that are untrue, and putting up with many other things, I knew I was on the other side!!!! and believe me if I could reach that point you can, too and I'm sure you will and you'll heal.
Read Melody Beattie.
Be honest with yourself. Is it the first time you choose someone emotionally unavailable? in which other moments in your life did you feel the same way? after thinking this I was no longer able to feel like the victim of the story... at least I felt entitled to be offended and conveniently forgot my attraction to: MUSHROOM-LOVING and drug user ex, the one who was more like a Dad Figure, the supergeek type no one could get but I *HAD* to get, the super rich guy who was very very immature, the one with a GF already, the one with a WIFE already, the one who lived away............ wow!! all EXCELLENT choices TC999!! add "the early stage alcoholic that came by stumbling drunk asking for sex and when we tried he felt asleep and couldn't, months later when angry he said I abused him because he was almost passing out" and well it seemed to me there was a familiar pattern.. duhhh!!
Hang in there. NO CONTACT..NO PEEKING..
tpen I get how it feels.
Kitty, I also get how it feels.
Its like you imagined everything and nothing happened for them, as if they never met you.
But its also true, it comes a time when its about who accepts booze and all the behaviors that come with it -or who accepts cheating, etc) and who doesn't.
Mourning sucks but you're already getting out there and enjoying moments, it took me MONTHS to do that so you're doing good!!
Also if you don't mind, I read some sentences that I believe are not yours but your ego's.
Proving they are faulty
Proving they are lying
Proving they are alcoholics
I mean I almost went insane trying to know if anyone else considered XABF an alkie! that would validate my suspicions! that would validate my leaving! that would validate I had some worth! then I spent a lot of time trying to assume or know XABF was probably miserable! that it was all a show! that his happiness is not real! that would leave some happiness or joy for me to take.
Wrong again. Its all the voice of the ego...
Only God can judge them.
Only God knows why everything happens as it happens. Your job is to learn the lessons and avoid more suffering. To bring peace to this world by not exercising violence against yourself.
She can do whatever she wants and she will do it anyway. She is not yours.
AND
You do not belong to her either. You don't belong to anyone. You are free..
BTW if she was cheating did u go for a checkup for STDs/HIV? just a practical suggestion.
It will pass, and I hope you stop peeking soon!! i did that a lot until I cried sooooo much for a full afternoon and after MONTHS of dragging my feet while he was going to the beach with GF, traveling, etc that I finally got enough.........
After sadness and seeking contact desperately , Master Anger will come and everything will be much easier then.......... well that is what happened to me anyway.
Once I was able to get angry WITH MYSELF for believing comments designed to hurt and that are untrue, and putting up with many other things, I knew I was on the other side!!!! and believe me if I could reach that point you can, too and I'm sure you will and you'll heal.
Read Melody Beattie.
Be honest with yourself. Is it the first time you choose someone emotionally unavailable? in which other moments in your life did you feel the same way? after thinking this I was no longer able to feel like the victim of the story... at least I felt entitled to be offended and conveniently forgot my attraction to: MUSHROOM-LOVING and drug user ex, the one who was more like a Dad Figure, the supergeek type no one could get but I *HAD* to get, the super rich guy who was very very immature, the one with a GF already, the one with a WIFE already, the one who lived away............ wow!! all EXCELLENT choices TC999!! add "the early stage alcoholic that came by stumbling drunk asking for sex and when we tried he felt asleep and couldn't, months later when angry he said I abused him because he was almost passing out" and well it seemed to me there was a familiar pattern.. duhhh!!
Hang in there. NO CONTACT..NO PEEKING..
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
TC999 - thanks for the long reply. They always help. I did get tested, no results back yet and am praying.
Yesterday was probably my worst as I was alone for the most part of the day. I became very depressed and turned to something else (p....). I know feel even lower and know that was wrong. I did buy that book and will begin reading it today at a bookstore where other people are. I just hate being alone as it gives me too much time to think. I know I have to heal and cannot just ignore it.
I had a good chat last night here for the first time and discovered what I had been ignoring. It was a sober person and they said they manipulated everything. So, in the end I have to believe that was it. She was a liar or only using me for someone to be around, a person to play with her kids, a person to clean the house with her. An enabler.
This is tough, but I'm encouraged when you and others tell me I'm doing good. I sure hope so. So many other feelings now about moving back to State where parents siblings live. I just need to relax and not make and quick decisions. I'm thinking that joining the golf course was too quick a decision. However, it will get me out of the house.
Off to church. Thanks for being patient and supportive everyone. Miss you all.
Yesterday was probably my worst as I was alone for the most part of the day. I became very depressed and turned to something else (p....). I know feel even lower and know that was wrong. I did buy that book and will begin reading it today at a bookstore where other people are. I just hate being alone as it gives me too much time to think. I know I have to heal and cannot just ignore it.
I had a good chat last night here for the first time and discovered what I had been ignoring. It was a sober person and they said they manipulated everything. So, in the end I have to believe that was it. She was a liar or only using me for someone to be around, a person to play with her kids, a person to clean the house with her. An enabler.
This is tough, but I'm encouraged when you and others tell me I'm doing good. I sure hope so. So many other feelings now about moving back to State where parents siblings live. I just need to relax and not make and quick decisions. I'm thinking that joining the golf course was too quick a decision. However, it will get me out of the house.
Off to church. Thanks for being patient and supportive everyone. Miss you all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Tpen...You are doing so well. You really are. You played Golf! Woohoo! Last night as you saw in my post, I had an aha moment. Until they are in recovery nothing makes sense and nothing is rational.
My AH just got himself a 4K debt to the IRS because he didnt show up to do what he needed to do. How is that rational? I would have been there in a second to prevent having to pay uncle sam that much money. I present this as an example of what I consider very irrational behavior. And mine is at the stage of functional alcoholism. Oy oy oy..when will I learn..lol. Keep going forward!!! I am always here to listen!!
My AH just got himself a 4K debt to the IRS because he didnt show up to do what he needed to do. How is that rational? I would have been there in a second to prevent having to pay uncle sam that much money. I present this as an example of what I consider very irrational behavior. And mine is at the stage of functional alcoholism. Oy oy oy..when will I learn..lol. Keep going forward!!! I am always here to listen!!
today4me
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 311
Thanks Kassie and Lulu. Today is the exact opposite from yesterday. The Lord has been with me everywhere and showing me things like you would not believe. They have nothing to do with XGF, but more that He is showing me that he's planned my day. I am amazed at his works. I know many of you will say whoa are you sure because yesterday I was trying everything and nothing was working. It seemed doors were being shut. I tried to eat at a restaurant by myself and walked in and out of 4 of them!
Today, ding, ding, ding everything has been happening right after another. Breakfast before church, church, people approaching me and engaging after church, asked to go to brunch after church, then asked to help with volunteering to clean up an old church downtown, then back home and a voice mail inviting me over for dinner with my uncle and aunt. It's like door open, door open see how I work. Why can't it be this easy every day?
I saw three people today who prayed with me or had a spiritial conversation with in the last 4 years. I had never seen them since. Go figure. I hugged each one of them.
Here is what I feel know. XAGF may not be with a guy this weekend, but could be in a church retreat. Why should I think negative. Do I want her back, yes. But, more importantly, I have to have an awareness that is positive and hope the best for her without thinking any further than that. It is simple, positive and spiritual. Why fret and let the little Satan jump on me and laugh. God is King!
Today, ding, ding, ding everything has been happening right after another. Breakfast before church, church, people approaching me and engaging after church, asked to go to brunch after church, then asked to help with volunteering to clean up an old church downtown, then back home and a voice mail inviting me over for dinner with my uncle and aunt. It's like door open, door open see how I work. Why can't it be this easy every day?
I saw three people today who prayed with me or had a spiritial conversation with in the last 4 years. I had never seen them since. Go figure. I hugged each one of them.
Here is what I feel know. XAGF may not be with a guy this weekend, but could be in a church retreat. Why should I think negative. Do I want her back, yes. But, more importantly, I have to have an awareness that is positive and hope the best for her without thinking any further than that. It is simple, positive and spiritual. Why fret and let the little Satan jump on me and laugh. God is King!
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