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No cure for jerkdom and laziness!!

Old 04-08-2010, 05:49 AM
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No cure for jerkdom and laziness!!

Well, at one time I thought if he just quit drinking he wouldn't be so mean and nasty. Not true - the only thing it has done is decerase the frequency. For example this morning, he briefly talked to me as he was getting ready for work, asked me where his laundry was, etc. Then walked out the door - no goodbye - not are you ok (I am 35 weeks pregnant and had had a very bad night) - nothing - just left. Again, why do I expect him to ask how I am or say goodbye that is what normal people do. So not being so detached today, I sent a text mentioning that it would be nice if he said goodbye or asked me how I was. He sent back, "pick someone else to argue with today." So, I sent I thought we were trying at this relationship, and he sent well you were snoring (which I was talking to him so I don't know how that is possible), and well you could have said something. So he called and yelled at me and told me I don't even know what and hung up - and that is the story of my life! I am SO tired of the way he treats me. He couldn't careless how I feel....but oh if I treated him the way he treats me he gets so angry. I'm not doing this forever!!!!!!! I deserve someone to say are you ok, and good bye etc. NOt to mention I hate to be hung up and he does it all the time! And his laziness is AMAZING...although he would explain how he is not lazy - lol. So I guess alcohol was just an added highlight to his jerkdom and laziness....and with it gone nothing else is gone with it.
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:18 AM
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Everyday that mine's been gone, it's amazing how much clarity I get. On both sides. "Oh my God, was that sick!" runs through my head daily. Although we didn't argue all that much, we'd treat a total stranger with more consideration. In the end we were just one giant blob of issues. We were so emeshed that we couldn't stand each other because we hated what we've become - who we've become. I feel 200 pounds lighter with my own huge bag of issues, it's nice not to be carrying his too.

I couldn't imagine what it must be like at this time for you, all the hormones!
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:12 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
Well, at one time I thought if he just quit drinking he wouldn't be so mean and nasty. Not true - the only thing it has done is decerase the frequency.

...So I guess alcohol was just an added highlight to his jerkdom and laziness....and with it gone nothing else is gone with it.
Hit the nail on the head!

This is the bottom line - alcohol does not necessarily lead to abusive behaviour.

Abusers are abusers irrespective of their addictions

You are in my thoughts hunny, give the bump a cuddle from me

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 04-08-2010, 07:19 AM
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Thinking of you and sending you love and light~ You deserve so much better. I actually got on here to start omy own thread and saw yours and this is my AH. I have learned to take care of myslef and to make sure I am ok. Even though I still live with Ah - I get more consideration and attention from my greyhound who I adore. He of course like yours it seems says I am the mean one. Know that many people love you and you are wonderful .
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:55 AM
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This is exactly why when new members find SR and post wondering if their loved one is an alcoholic, the wise folks here gently ask if it really matters whether they are they aren't. You are living the proof that it's the behavior that is the primary issue. Alcoholism is just the excuse for the nastiness.

My denial fog began to lift when I finally understood this. It made detaching so much easier to do. The last time my XABF asked me if I thought he should quit drinking I was able to honestly answer that I had no opinion at all about it. My concern was how I was treating me. He had to find the answer to whether he could treat me well, booze or no booze.

How patient I was going to be while he figured that out was the question he should've asked, cause by his response to my leaving, it wasn't as long as he must have thought.

Alice
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:57 PM
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Thank you all for your responses.....it is acutually a very good thing I have come to this conclusion....because he has been able to quit drinking (to my knowledge), but nothing has changed (and he was not a light drinker at all). Quitting did nothing to change his behavior, and my mom and said over and over you are blaming it all on the drinking and I was....I guess is was the "easy" fix or easy out, but as I have learned it is just HIM his behavior. Out of curiousity instead of searching about alcoholic behavior this morning, I searched about abusive personality traits....and WOW was this such a fit. I still think the two of these things - abuse & alcoholism - go hand in hand, but clearly it is the abuse I can not live with. I even told him this morning that I guess the with or without the alcohol didn't matter that he has no idea how to treat me. We'll see what happens, life is complicated right now, but I KNOW that I will not be treated this way forever and am thankful to SR and all the reading on here for coming to this realization!
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Old 04-08-2010, 03:33 PM
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If he has no recovery program, he may very well be completely miserable and hate everyone and everything. Dry Drunk is the description.
Quitting isn't enough.
He has to roll up his sleeves and delve deeply into his character defects and make a serious effort to eliminate those defects and work hard at personal development.
Many have done this through the 12 steps of AA.
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:40 PM
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Hi mentallyexH,

I always like to point out on here that while my exH was not an A I was sure as hell a codie and I created a very sick dynamic in my marriage, no alcohol necessary!

I had expectations up the wazoo. Now, they were normal expectations, not unlike what you describe - saying "Good morning" and "goodbye" and "good night," noticing when I was pregnant and sick with bronchitis for 2 months that I was exhausted and maybe offering to pitch in and help with older son some more or letting me get extra sleep, remembering appointments or social events or kids sporting events, payng bills on time etc...y'know I wasn't expecting to be treated like a Queen, just with what I thought was some normal friendship-like consideration and respect. To me it was all like DUH!!!!!!

Well my expectations were never met. And I spent a few years sounding like you, recounting the story of his latest affront to me, to our marriage, to civilized living etc! I used these incidents as examples to justify my anger/disappoinment/ stucked-ness to the public, and I used all my thwarted expectations as examples to him of what it was exactly that he needed to change! Boy was I a meticulous noticer of everything he did "wrong!" And then I would stew and seethe....

Did he change one iota due to all my disappointment and rage? Nope.

The person who changed was me. For the worse. Luckily I woke up and realizecd that my codie way of thinking was ruining everything that was fun, spontaneous, positive and loving about ME! Just like it did with my mom (who stayed w/ my A father for his entire 25+ yr drinking career).

And my mom, when I finally admitted I had had enough and wanted a divorce, gave me the best piece of advice that she herself could never follow: Put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror.

I only endured 7 years of that married insanity. And it was a several-years effort to get healthy in mind and body after what I had put myself through: continuing, in the face of all evidence to the contrary to expect that what I wanted and needed would ever, ever be fulfilled by this man or that marriage ---- whoooooo -- I am lucky I got out with a shred of sanity & dignity!

The day I ACCEPTED him 100% the way he is, and accepted that the only person I really needed to change was ME - was the first day of living the life I want to live! It took more AlAnon and more therapy and much financial suffering but it has all been 100% worth it. Totally.

The experience of recovering from my codependency has been awesome & humbling. It has been nothing less than the experience of freedom! Freedom from the tyranny of my expectations and the ridiculousness of putting my moods and happiness in the hands of another person! Freedom from obsessing about other people's behavior, addictions, choices. Freedom to create within me the best (not perfect, but the best!) person I can be. Freedom to be in a truly friendship-filled, loving, and mutually satisfying romantic relationship.

Recently my exH and I were at a social thing for one of our sons -- I see him frequently but we got to talking and he said "You have changed so much!" Sadly, I could not say the same thing to him! He knew it, and we laughed about it. But it's true - a decade + down the road and he is exactly the same, just older and driving his new wife cuckoo instead of me! Had I continued to wait around and expect what I wanted from him -- wow -- it wold be so ugly and sad today!

I'm glad I'm free! I am free because of acceptance.

peace & hope you're doing OK in these last weeks of pregnancy! When are you due?
b.
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Old 04-09-2010, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by littlefish View Post
If he has no recovery program, he may very well be completely miserable and hate everyone and everything. Dry Drunk is the description.
Quitting isn't enough.
I'm glad you posted this littlefish becasue this is a mistake a lot of folks make. Being miserable and depressed and hating the world DOES NOT lead to abusive behaviours, nor does it EXCUSE them.

You always have a choice how you decide to treat another human being. This man is CHOOSING to act abusively.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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