Hi mentallyexH,
I always like to point out on here that while my exH was not an A I was sure as hell a codie and I created a very sick dynamic in my marriage, no alcohol necessary!
I had expectations up the wazoo. Now, they were normal expectations, not unlike what you describe - saying "Good morning" and "goodbye" and "good night," noticing when I was pregnant and sick with bronchitis for 2 months that I was exhausted and maybe offering to pitch in and help with older son some more or letting me get extra sleep, remembering appointments or social events or kids sporting events, payng bills on time etc...y'know I wasn't expecting to be treated like a Queen, just with what I thought was some normal friendship-like consideration and respect. To me it was all like DUH!!!!!!
Well my expectations were never met. And I spent a few years sounding like you, recounting the story of his latest affront to me, to our marriage, to civilized living etc! I used these incidents as examples to justify my anger/disappoinment/ stucked-ness to the public, and I used all my thwarted expectations as examples to him of what it was exactly that he needed to change! Boy was I a meticulous noticer of everything he did "wrong!" And then I would stew and seethe....
Did he change one iota due to all my disappointment and rage? Nope.
The person who changed was me. For the worse. Luckily I woke up and realizecd that my codie way of thinking was ruining everything that was fun, spontaneous, positive and loving about ME! Just like it did with my mom (who stayed w/ my A father for his entire 25+ yr drinking career).
And my mom, when I finally admitted I had had enough and wanted a divorce, gave me the best piece of advice that she herself could never follow: Put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror.
I only endured 7 years of that married insanity. And it was a several-years effort to get healthy in mind and body after what I had put myself through: continuing, in the face of all evidence to the contrary to expect that what I wanted and needed would ever, ever be fulfilled by this man or that marriage ---- whoooooo -- I am lucky I got out with a shred of sanity & dignity!
The day I ACCEPTED him 100% the way he is, and accepted that the only person I really needed to change was ME - was the first day of living the life I want to live! It took more AlAnon and more therapy and much financial suffering but it has all been 100% worth it. Totally.
The experience of recovering from my codependency has been awesome & humbling. It has been nothing less than the experience of freedom! Freedom from the tyranny of my expectations and the ridiculousness of putting my moods and happiness in the hands of another person! Freedom from obsessing about other people's behavior, addictions, choices. Freedom to create within me the best (not perfect, but the best!) person I can be. Freedom to be in a truly friendship-filled, loving, and mutually satisfying romantic relationship.
Recently my exH and I were at a social thing for one of our sons -- I see him frequently but we got to talking and he said "You have changed so much!" Sadly, I could not say the same thing to him! He knew it, and we laughed about it. But it's true - a decade + down the road and he is exactly the same, just older and driving his new wife cuckoo instead of me! Had I continued to wait around and expect what I wanted from him -- wow -- it wold be so ugly and sad today!
I'm glad I'm free! I am free because of acceptance.
peace & hope you're doing OK in these last weeks of pregnancy! When are you due?
b.