This is exactly why when new members find SR and post wondering if their loved one is an alcoholic, the wise folks here gently ask if it really matters whether they are they aren't. You are living the proof that it's the behavior that is the primary issue. Alcoholism is just the excuse for the nastiness.
My denial fog began to lift when I finally understood this. It made detaching so much easier to do. The last time my XABF asked me if I thought he should quit drinking I was able to honestly answer that I had no opinion at all about it. My concern was how I was treating me. He had to find the answer to whether he could treat me well, booze or no booze.
How patient I was going to be while he figured that out was the question he should've asked, cause by his response to my leaving, it wasn't as long as he must have thought.
Alice