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His reaction to detachment....

Old 04-06-2010, 08:13 AM
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His reaction to detachment....

So I think I've gotten pretty good at the detachment thing...I have kind of let alot of anger go, and feel much more a t peace than in a very long time. I am able to worry about me and the kids, and not feel an obligation to him in the same way as before, recognizing him as repsonsible for his own action, his job, his words, his behaviors etc. Needless to say it has left a bit of a "silence"' between us - as our communication between each other in rarely genuine or sincere. His only type of communitcation is when he becomes angry or when making joke....we can NEVER have a serious conversation about feelings etc. SO....here is my dilemma. While I realize now that I am no long angered by his actions of the past or really even the present - I am now in this strange world of trying to communicate when the opportunity arises.....but it is always met with jokes of anger. He says I just need to start acting like a wife again etc...my response is I am a wife, but we need to talk to figure this out and heal etc. When I walk away from whatever it is and don't get angry...HE gets angry and starts telling me how I am holding him down and will never let go of the past etc. I didn't say or do anything, I am just doing what I do with the kids or house etc. He is SO SO angry....my one thought is that he expects it just to fade away back to the norm without ever talking and that scares me because I can't do that. Today he said he was going to get his own place where someone actually cares about him? I said that I do care, but if that is what you need to do then go ahead. I do not have the energy or the desire to argue anymore....in fact probablly what is scaring me a little more is my entire lack of feelings toward the situation. I just don't care......unless he is going to make an effort to be the man that I need - loving and caring, then I just don't have the heart to try for both of us anymore. Anyway......it makes me thing of the king-baby thing......either he is treated like the king or he acts like a baby....and I have NO more desire to treat him like a king when he doesn't deserve it.....hopefully this makes sense. Anyone else understand where I am and how to move forward...>I guess that is it....how do I move from my total lack of feelings toward trying with him.....how do I move forward??
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:21 AM
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((hugs)) no time for a response now, but you are being heard.
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:33 AM
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Originally Posted by mentallyexh View Post
He says I just need to start acting like a wife again etc...my response is I am a wife, but we need to talk to figure this out and heal etc.
I don't know of any way to talk/figure out, and heal with an emotionally abusive alcoholic, seriously.
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Old 04-06-2010, 08:39 AM
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I totally get where you are. I feel the same way. I would just try not to say too much, because if I did, I never knew how he was going to react to me...at first maybe nice, but then angry, or mocking. I got that alot. But I also stopped treating him like King Baby and just did my own thing as well. Of course that didn't go over well either.
My AH is unable to get close to anyone. I finally see that. After 19 years. How sad for him, he even admits that he doesn't have any close friends, except for drinking buddies, or other men that are mutually beneficial ( they trade skills).Other than that he really doesn't let anyone get close, especially me. He tells me that I am not a wife, you probably know what he means by that. . But he is not a husband and ,like you , I have no more energy, or love to give to him. It's been real peaceful since he left. Take care, Hadassah
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Old 04-06-2010, 09:12 AM
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Yes Hon, I think I understand where you are and it is almost like being in Limbo, in a lift (elevator) stuck in between floors.

You can't have a meaningful discussion with someone who really does not know what he means, doesn't care much what you mean, and to whom the words "meaningful" and "discussion" are foreign.

Detachment to you, means something different to how he sees you behaving....and it is scary to him. He is used to ....I say this and she will say that....suddenly you do not react as expected.........no running after him, treating him like a little tin god......and it has thrown him.

His answer when threatened is to rant and roar, and show anger.......and you changing on him, is threatening him a lot. He fears losing the you he thought he had programmed to keep him comfortable, to enable him to do what he wanted, and suddenly you are not playing his game, or going by his rules.

I am sorry, but like DeVon said in the above post...
Quote((I don't know of any way to talk/figure out, and heal with an emotionally abusive alcoholic.))

To get to the healing part, I believe he would have to have some recovery work behind him, and be willing to accept there needed healing, and want it.
He seems a long way from accepting anything, that you want or need....and recovery is not even a small blip on his radar yet.

He is the one stuck in the past, and that is where he wants to stay as it doesn't make demands on him and he can keep doing what he has.....but you have moved out of there and are facing a new future.

There is little or nothing you can do to get him involved in change....all you can do is keep working on you, stay detached and work towards your peace of mind and do not play his mind games.

I am sure others who have been thru this will give you help very soon.

Just remember you are not alone at any time, and you don't stop growing just because your AH hasn't started.

God bless
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:15 AM
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Great support coming your way here in the above.

I got a similar response. In fact, my XABF was all over the place when I began to detach. He was angry, sad, sweet, overly nice, and even determined to ignore that anything was different between us.

I was finding peace, but his life was crashing down.

All that time we try everything we can think of to get them sober so our lives can better. Finally we learn that we are going about it backwards and we should be coming at that sentence from the other end. We should be making our lives better and leaving it up to them to get sober or not.

Your doing very well, he is having to adjust. Hang in there.

Alice
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Old 04-06-2010, 10:52 AM
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Moving forward

I think each one of us on here can relate to your story. Its not an easy process but its so worth it. The more things change in life the stronger and better you will feel.
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Old 04-06-2010, 05:53 PM
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When I was with my ex abf, I remember it being fairly similar. It seemed he thrived on drama, he wanted to be heard, even if half the crap out of his mouth made no sense. One of the last times I saw him in person (we were in a long distance relationship), I was watching Law and Order minding my own business, and up to this point, we'd had a pretty fun trip. I guess he'd decided that we couldn't leave each other having actually gotten along, so he plops his drunk arse next to me, looks at me, I'm watching TV, and says quote, "So how come you felt the need to go downstairs and get a bottle of water when I have perfectly good water up here?" *blinkblink* I said well, I was down there for something, figured hey, I'll grab a bottle of water. I was thirsty. "Well, that's pretty princessy, I mean, do you know how much water it took to make the plastic bottle the water comes in?" blah blah blah.

It was just constant drama. And silly - I guess that's why they say folks that are alcoholics are literally insane. I'm proud of you for getting good at the detachment thing. I never could, he'd always suck me back in, over and over again. *hugs*
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Old 04-06-2010, 06:32 PM
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why of course you're exhausted. you've been keeping these balls up in the air for so long, and now starting to realize that you can keep juggling, but to what end?

jadmack said it straight out.

it sounds as if he cannot take responsibility. you are trying to move on, but really are stuck in the past, because that's where everything has been left. you need to both move forward to be moving forward.

i think he just doesn't get it.
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Old 04-06-2010, 06:46 PM
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[QUOTE=ItsmeAlice;2562490]I was finding peace, but his life was crashing down.

/QUOTE]

Thanks for the above Alice..sometimes I forget why I am on this journey..this is a great reminder...
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