Thoughts and a piece of cake
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Location: Reality, NJ
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Thoughts and a piece of cake
I decided to go and get myself a cake today..there was none for Easter and I was craving it and plus I lost 24lbs so I should treat myself.
On the way home...I thought how I used to feel coming home to him and it wasnt that I was scared of him or what he would do, but the feeling I remember is that he was so unavailable. I couldnt get excited to see him..he just shot me down. So I ate my cake..(well 2 slices) and thought about this journey. It is so terribly hard and there is no denying this. But in the end there is peace. He wasnt really there for me...in body maybe but he made sure to rain on my parade any chance he got. Then once he went into rehab # 2 he got out expecting me to be there with open arms and I wasnt. And he always brought that up to me like I was so wrong with that as so did his cousin..that it should have been a fresh start is what they said. Then I realized, he wanted all this understanding from me with his issues but when it came to me he wanted me to be that fish with a hook in its mouth jumping around on the dock...
When I didnt come around in 14 weeks after dealing with his crap patiently for years and the emergency room visits, the lawyers, the rehabs...he moved on and seeking others. Really tells you something when it was time for him to understand where I was coming from, he tried to brand me as a monster. Ayeyaya.
Maybe I have been too hard on myself in this healing process. I had a glimmer of hope and how it would feel to come home to someone who would actually be there and I can watch TV with and maybe even have conversations with!! One day when I find myself first. Finding myself scares me the most.
Thanks for listening...
Lulu
On the way home...I thought how I used to feel coming home to him and it wasnt that I was scared of him or what he would do, but the feeling I remember is that he was so unavailable. I couldnt get excited to see him..he just shot me down. So I ate my cake..(well 2 slices) and thought about this journey. It is so terribly hard and there is no denying this. But in the end there is peace. He wasnt really there for me...in body maybe but he made sure to rain on my parade any chance he got. Then once he went into rehab # 2 he got out expecting me to be there with open arms and I wasnt. And he always brought that up to me like I was so wrong with that as so did his cousin..that it should have been a fresh start is what they said. Then I realized, he wanted all this understanding from me with his issues but when it came to me he wanted me to be that fish with a hook in its mouth jumping around on the dock...
When I didnt come around in 14 weeks after dealing with his crap patiently for years and the emergency room visits, the lawyers, the rehabs...he moved on and seeking others. Really tells you something when it was time for him to understand where I was coming from, he tried to brand me as a monster. Ayeyaya.
Maybe I have been too hard on myself in this healing process. I had a glimmer of hope and how it would feel to come home to someone who would actually be there and I can watch TV with and maybe even have conversations with!! One day when I find myself first. Finding myself scares me the most.
Thanks for listening...
Lulu
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
Originally Posted by justsomegirl 
someone to be with ..to talk about my day with or have a regular tv show we both can't wait to watch together!!! I so understad what you mean!!! Funny...I had an urge for a cake yesterday so I went and got one too!!!
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
COMFORT FOOD. i know when i'm eating Stouffer's Mac n Cheese NOTHING is a problem. 
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Originally Posted by justsomegirl
yep...30 pounds here...and it went all to my rear!!! Couldn't even get big boobs out of the deal!!! I started going to the gym again and am hoping it helps with the self esteem and my general wellness.
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Originally Posted by lulu1974
On the way home...I thought how I used to feel coming home to him and it wasnt that I was scared of him or what he would do, but the feeling I remember is that he was so unavailable. I couldnt get excited to see him..he just shot me down.
L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
I remember that feeling well. Four years before I kicked him out we bought our first house. A secluded, peaceful place on five acres in the oak forest. I remember how I loved coming home to the trees, the peace, the birds.....and then how I came to hate coming home. Never knowing what would await me there. After a long day at work, there were many times I just wanted to stay at work. My home, my sanctuary, became the place I dreaded. I have a different house now, but I love coming home at the end of the day.
L
L
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