Repaired Picker? - Dating - Why would I pass THIS up?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
No matter what happens, it will be a learning experience. It can be one of those really painful learning experiences, or one of those not-so-painful ones. It all depends on how YOU handle it. 
L
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Pregnancy wasn't my concern, or the point I was trying to make to you, Alizerin.
The point is, people are not always what they appear to be, especially when I'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and they are on their best behavior.
My pattern over the years was to hook up with someone when I was my most vulnerable, at my loneliest.
It was giddy, intoxicating, and exhilarating every time...in the beginning.
My hair stood up on the back of my neck when I read the parallels between your 'friend' and what my experience was.
The true test for me, in my recovery from codependency, has been to not act on those feelings of loneliness.
The discomfort of walking through it did not kill me.
However, the years prior, acting on it created a boatload of pain for me.
The point is, people are not always what they appear to be, especially when I'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and they are on their best behavior.
My pattern over the years was to hook up with someone when I was my most vulnerable, at my loneliest.
It was giddy, intoxicating, and exhilarating every time...in the beginning.
My hair stood up on the back of my neck when I read the parallels between your 'friend' and what my experience was.
The true test for me, in my recovery from codependency, has been to not act on those feelings of loneliness.
The discomfort of walking through it did not kill me.
However, the years prior, acting on it created a boatload of pain for me.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Someone else posted about the pregnancy thingy too.
I've met his grown children as I've been to parties at his house. He APPEARS to have a very good relationship with all three of them.
His wife cheated for a year before she left. He got sober that same year. He went to Alanon for a year and owns 'Codependant No More'. <drool>
What happens when two codie's date?
I've met his grown children as I've been to parties at his house. He APPEARS to have a very good relationship with all three of them.
His wife cheated for a year before she left. He got sober that same year. He went to Alanon for a year and owns 'Codependant No More'. <drool>
What happens when two codie's date?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I agree with Freedom.
people are not always what they appear to be, especially when I'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and they are on their best behavior.
My pattern over the years was to hook up with someone when I was my most vulnerable, at my loneliest.
It was giddy, intoxicating, and exhilarating every time...in the beginning.
When I wrote about the time frame for you, this is kind of what I was getting at.
I waited almost a year to date. The guy was a friend I knew for 8 years. He lied to me about having a girlfriend and it threw me into semi-triggar mode back to L's cheating the year before.
Not that this man isn't the bees knees, but you might be more vulnerable than you realize right now. The only reason I suggest that is because I was and didn't know it at the time.
people are not always what they appear to be, especially when I'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and they are on their best behavior.
My pattern over the years was to hook up with someone when I was my most vulnerable, at my loneliest.
It was giddy, intoxicating, and exhilarating every time...in the beginning.
When I wrote about the time frame for you, this is kind of what I was getting at.
I waited almost a year to date. The guy was a friend I knew for 8 years. He lied to me about having a girlfriend and it threw me into semi-triggar mode back to L's cheating the year before.
Not that this man isn't the bees knees, but you might be more vulnerable than you realize right now. The only reason I suggest that is because I was and didn't know it at the time.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"Not that this man isn't the bees knees, but you might be more vulnerable than you realize right now. The only reason I suggest that is because I was and didn't know it at the time."
Duly Noted!
Duly Noted!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by Alizerin 
Someone else posted about the pregnancy thingy too.
I've met his grown children as I've been to parties at his house. He APPEARS to have a very good relationship with all three of them.
His wife cheated for a year before she left. He got sober that same year. He went to Alanon for a year and owns 'Codependant No More'. <drool>
*****What happens when two codie's date?
I've met his grown children as I've been to parties at his house. He APPEARS to have a very good relationship with all three of them.
His wife cheated for a year before she left. He got sober that same year. He went to Alanon for a year and owns 'Codependant No More'. <drool>
*****What happens when two codie's date?
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Gotta love this place. So I googled "Two codependents dating" One ONE article came up. A post in here OF COURSE!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ts-dating.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ts-dating.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
Wow, Ali, this is all good stuff to consider. I don't know what the heck to tell you, but I can say that I had a relationship of 3 years with a 15 year age difference. It didn't matter to me, except when it was pointed out that I was the "kid" and "didn't know certain stuff". UGH. I don't think it has to be that way, but he'd have to be really okay and secure with being the (much) older one in the relationship.
I think the most important question to ask is what do you want from this? I agree that it's best to be clear and honest with yourself, like someone else said. What would happen for you if you decided to wait a little while?
No right or wrong answers with this, just hope you're holding your heart gently...
hugs,
posie
I think the most important question to ask is what do you want from this? I agree that it's best to be clear and honest with yourself, like someone else said. What would happen for you if you decided to wait a little while?
No right or wrong answers with this, just hope you're holding your heart gently...
hugs,
posie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
With all due respect, why on earth would you want to get back with anyone who has addiction issues? Don't you want a man who's never seen an AA room or had additions?
I know for me, if my relationship with my ABF doesn't work out, I will never even glimpse at another addict.
And what's up with all this AA dating? I've seen it so many times. People leaving their partners for someone they met in AA. I know this is not the case here, but there are MANY HEALTHY places to meet singles to date, I don't think AA is a great place to pick up partners.
He may be a great guy, but THINK very clearly before walking back into, what may be, the same wreck you just left.
I know for me, if my relationship with my ABF doesn't work out, I will never even glimpse at another addict.
And what's up with all this AA dating? I've seen it so many times. People leaving their partners for someone they met in AA. I know this is not the case here, but there are MANY HEALTHY places to meet singles to date, I don't think AA is a great place to pick up partners.
He may be a great guy, but THINK very clearly before walking back into, what may be, the same wreck you just left.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by Summerpeach
With all due respect, why on earth would you want to get back with anyone who has addiction issues? Don't you want a man who's never seen an AA room or had additions?
I know for me, if my relationship with my ABF doesn't work out, I will never even glimpse at another addict.
And what's up with all this AA dating? I've seen it so many times. People leaving their partners for someone they met in AA. I know this is not the case here, but there are MANY HEALTHY places to meet singles to date, I don't think AA is a great place to pick up partners.
He may be a great guy, but THINK very clearly before walking back into, what may be, the same wreck you just left.
I know for me, if my relationship with my ABF doesn't work out, I will never even glimpse at another addict.
And what's up with all this AA dating? I've seen it so many times. People leaving their partners for someone they met in AA. I know this is not the case here, but there are MANY HEALTHY places to meet singles to date, I don't think AA is a great place to pick up partners.
He may be a great guy, but THINK very clearly before walking back into, what may be, the same wreck you just left.
I honestly couldn't see myself not dating someone who doesn't live by working this program for living.
I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic with 2 1/2 years sobriety. I work a hard program and see only positive gains from spending time with others who work a hard program. Certainly a companion.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Ali,
I dated a guy in AA for a few months years ago. I thought he was perfect on every level and I had known him for a year before we started dating. Thing is, I found out that we "weren't dating" according to him. He wasn't interested in having a committed relationship. News to me, I thought that's what we were doing. It looked like a relationship, it felt like a relationship, it carried on like a relationship, but it wasn't in his mind. I guess he forgot to tell me that from the beginning and as it all progressed. What I learned was never to assume that because two people are single/unattached, interested in each other, enjoy each others company and spent time together, that you are in a relationship. I should have had the conversation before it progressed, or he with me. I agree with Summer....I don't believe AA is a place to find relationships. Just because they are in AA, doesn't mean they are healthy.
I dated a guy in AA for a few months years ago. I thought he was perfect on every level and I had known him for a year before we started dating. Thing is, I found out that we "weren't dating" according to him. He wasn't interested in having a committed relationship. News to me, I thought that's what we were doing. It looked like a relationship, it felt like a relationship, it carried on like a relationship, but it wasn't in his mind. I guess he forgot to tell me that from the beginning and as it all progressed. What I learned was never to assume that because two people are single/unattached, interested in each other, enjoy each others company and spent time together, that you are in a relationship. I should have had the conversation before it progressed, or he with me. I agree with Summer....I don't believe AA is a place to find relationships. Just because they are in AA, doesn't mean they are healthy.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by gerryP
Ali,
I dated a guy in AA for a few months years ago. I thought he was perfect on every level and I had known him for a year before we started dating. Thing is, I found out that we "weren't dating" according to him. He wasn't interested in having a committed relationship. News to me, I thought that's what we were doing. It looked like a relationship, it felt like a relationship, it carried on like a relationship, but it wasn't in his mind. I guess he forgot to tell me that from the beginning and as it all progressed. What I learned was never to assume that because two people are single/unattached, interested in each other, enjoy each others company and spent time together, that you are in a relationship. I should have had the conversation before it progressed, or he with me. I agree with Summer....I don't believe AA is a place to find relationships. Just because they are in AA, doesn't mean they are healthy.
I dated a guy in AA for a few months years ago. I thought he was perfect on every level and I had known him for a year before we started dating. Thing is, I found out that we "weren't dating" according to him. He wasn't interested in having a committed relationship. News to me, I thought that's what we were doing. It looked like a relationship, it felt like a relationship, it carried on like a relationship, but it wasn't in his mind. I guess he forgot to tell me that from the beginning and as it all progressed. What I learned was never to assume that because two people are single/unattached, interested in each other, enjoy each others company and spent time together, that you are in a relationship. I should have had the conversation before it progressed, or he with me. I agree with Summer....I don't believe AA is a place to find relationships. Just because they are in AA, doesn't mean they are healthy.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Alizerin
In my opinion, and from what I've seen, AA has been a good place for couples with long-term sobriety to come together. All my friends are in AA. We are like minded people who work a program of life based on the 12-steps. With long term sobriety comes working these steps in all our affairs.
I honestly couldn't see myself not dating someone who doesn't live by working this program for living.
I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic with 2 1/2 years sobriety. I work a hard program and see only positive gains from spending time with others who work a hard program. Certainly a companion.
I honestly couldn't see myself not dating someone who doesn't live by working this program for living.
I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic with 2 1/2 years sobriety. I work a hard program and see only positive gains from spending time with others who work a hard program. Certainly a companion.
Why not date someone who is "normal"
I mean unless you only feel happy/comfortable with men who "get you" or have been through the same war as you, but that is high risk and the "addict/codie" dance has a high change of coming into play again.
Like I said, this is just for me, I'm not a addict nor has the majority of my life been spent with or arround addicts, so I know if I were to be single again, I would steer SO FAR away from anyone who has addictions. Even if they were 30 yrs sober.
Not saying they are bad people, just saying, being very codependent, I would need something/someone in a totally different place.
And again I need to say this, people dating others in AA is very disturbing to me.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
"Sure, that's all fine and dandy, but why do you need anyone who works any program?
Why not date someone who is "normal"
I mean unless you only feel happy/comfortable with men who "get you" or have been through the same war as you, but that is high risk and the "addict/codie" dance has a high change of coming into play again."
It seems hard for you to understand the concept of living by the guidelines of AA. Harder still to understand the deep connections we have for one another. I would never consider a "newbie" or anyone who hasn't completed the steps AND shown themselves to be living by them also.
I'm not "normal" and proud of it!
Why not date someone who is "normal"
I mean unless you only feel happy/comfortable with men who "get you" or have been through the same war as you, but that is high risk and the "addict/codie" dance has a high change of coming into play again."
It seems hard for you to understand the concept of living by the guidelines of AA. Harder still to understand the deep connections we have for one another. I would never consider a "newbie" or anyone who hasn't completed the steps AND shown themselves to be living by them also.
I'm not "normal" and proud of it!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by Alizerin
"Sure, that's all fine and dandy, but why do you need anyone who works any program?
Why not date someone who is "normal"
I mean unless you only feel happy/comfortable with men who "get you" or have been through the same war as you, but that is high risk and the "addict/codie" dance has a high change of coming into play again."
It seems hard for you to understand the concept of living by the guidelines of AA. Harder still to understand the deep connections we have for one another. I would never consider a "newbie" or anyone who hasn't completed the steps AND shown themselves to be living by them also.
I'm not "normal" and proud of it!
Why not date someone who is "normal"
I mean unless you only feel happy/comfortable with men who "get you" or have been through the same war as you, but that is high risk and the "addict/codie" dance has a high change of coming into play again."
It seems hard for you to understand the concept of living by the guidelines of AA. Harder still to understand the deep connections we have for one another. I would never consider a "newbie" or anyone who hasn't completed the steps AND shown themselves to be living by them also.
I'm not "normal" and proud of it!
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