Repaired Picker? - Dating - Why would I pass THIS up?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
One (of many) things I see differently now is this.
The universe is abundant. Love is abundant. Men are abundant.
I don't have to take what comes along for fear that nothing will ever come along again. Even if the most wonderful man in the world showed up at my door, I could say "no thanks" if the time wasn't right for me. There will be others.
When you view life from the perspective of abundance, you feel gratitude. When you view life from the perspective of scarcity, you feel fear.
L
The universe is abundant. Love is abundant. Men are abundant.
I don't have to take what comes along for fear that nothing will ever come along again. Even if the most wonderful man in the world showed up at my door, I could say "no thanks" if the time wasn't right for me. There will be others.
When you view life from the perspective of abundance, you feel gratitude. When you view life from the perspective of scarcity, you feel fear.
L
I see I do not do not feel this way. I feel like (particularly men) are limited. Which just goes to show my neediness around having a man in my life and *fear* that another good one won't come.
It's uncomfortable to see how deep my fear goes!
Thanks for this wisdom!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Perhaps for instance, instead of giving this person 100% of your time/energy/thoughts throughout the day etc, you can build a circle and cut it in several "pieces of pie":
friendship with males
friendship with women
family
creativity/arts
spirituality
sports
volunteering/being of service
nature
taking yourself out on a date
So, let's say you see this man today. Ok, you can't see him again until you have spent at least 2 hours investing in your girlfriends, then you can't see him again until you have spent at least 2 hours investing in your family, and so on...
Just a practical idea I learned in therapy life is not so straightforward but ticking how I spent my time throughout some weeks I realized its just work, housework and BF... and sometimes sports. Ugh!!
friendship with males
friendship with women
family
creativity/arts
spirituality
sports
volunteering/being of service
nature
taking yourself out on a date
So, let's say you see this man today. Ok, you can't see him again until you have spent at least 2 hours investing in your girlfriends, then you can't see him again until you have spent at least 2 hours investing in your family, and so on...
Just a practical idea I learned in therapy
life is not so straightforward but ticking how I spent my time throughout some weeks I realized its just work, housework and BF... and sometimes sports. Ugh!!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Have fun!
Keep checking in with yourself.
Stay focused on your recovery.
Don't ignore red flags.
Be honest with him but have clear boundaries.
Use every situation as a chance to learn more about yourself.
Use latex.
Love, Transform.
Keep checking in with yourself.
Stay focused on your recovery.
Don't ignore red flags.
Be honest with him but have clear boundaries.
Use every situation as a chance to learn more about yourself.
Use latex.
Love, Transform.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
19 years senior makes me wonder if you have daddy issues. Recovering A makes me wonder if you have codie issues. Just my knee jerk reaction, don't mean anything by it. I don't know you or him, just an unbiased objective opinion from a place where your best interests are in mind.
When I was 38 I tried the friends with benefits once, never again. I visit her grave a couple times a month. Be careful.
When I was 38 I tried the friends with benefits once, never again. I visit her grave a couple times a month. Be careful.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Daddy issues and codependency. I thought he was 45. He doesn't look 18 years older. I have liked older men, but I don't go out of my way for them, it's an attraction thing. but I will say typically it's 5-10 years older. 18 is a bit much.
Oh, I'm an admitted codie. This I do know!
Oh, I'm an admitted codie. This I do know!
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Pondering.... My codie issues are being addressed at lightspeed since coming here. I think I've done a good job of following instructions. If all the good people here who gave me diamond advice said it was a bad idea. I probably wouldn't do it.... right now anyway.
Being an ACOA and marrying one, and being one - I will never completely break the chains. So, I'll have to learn to work with them. Taking some risks included (using latex of course) and talking about any expectations, or lack of.
Being an ACOA and marrying one, and being one - I will never completely break the chains. So, I'll have to learn to work with them. Taking some risks included (using latex of course) and talking about any expectations, or lack of.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Not saying I'd jump into bed either. As the codie I am - I tend to get all emotionally attached. I don't want another entanglement. But, on the otherhand, I'm doing many things differently. I surprise myself all the time. But, on the other foot, I'm still the same.
Don't mind me, when I got something on my noggin, I end up just talking to myself in my threads, if nobody's noticed!
Don't mind me, when I got something on my noggin, I end up just talking to myself in my threads, if nobody's noticed!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 223
Just because he's wonderful, doesn't mean he's wonderful for YOU. There's a lot of wonderful guys out there, choose a one who's wonderful and who is a match to you.
Also...even if he's wonderful and wonderful for you doesn't mean he's wonderful for you right now.
You have time to heal and fix and grow and settle. You don't have to take the first wonderful guy that comes along; there will be others.
I have the same thing happening, so I've been thinking about it. I want another year by myself. But that's a decision for me. I want to be more settled, my kids older. So, right now we just hang out sometimes....and once I decided that, someone else wonderful came along, and on occasion I hang out with him too. That's what's right for me; it's also an option for you. The choice isn't now or never; add in the choice: not now, but later maybe.
Also...even if he's wonderful and wonderful for you doesn't mean he's wonderful for you right now.
You have time to heal and fix and grow and settle. You don't have to take the first wonderful guy that comes along; there will be others.
I have the same thing happening, so I've been thinking about it. I want another year by myself. But that's a decision for me. I want to be more settled, my kids older. So, right now we just hang out sometimes....and once I decided that, someone else wonderful came along, and on occasion I hang out with him too. That's what's right for me; it's also an option for you. The choice isn't now or never; add in the choice: not now, but later maybe.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Sometimes I agree one needs time for oneself, but also sometimes that is an excuse not to "get out there'. After all it is easy to "feel alright" when there are no mirrors to tell you you are not that beautiful, to show the shadows that still linger, the lessons you still need to learn.
Anyway if you can observe yourself, single, with someone or doing whatever, you got it right IMHO... you can step back and reflect and soulsearch before doing something you would have done automatically in the past.
I am with the poster that talks about intuition, you and you alone know if you are being honest with yourself, and if you respect yourself enough now, not to put yourself in vulnerable situations.
Anyway my codie/alkie experience is very small compared to the hells other ppl have gone through.
Here is hoping we are honest, honest and more honest with ourselves, with romantic interests, and above all with God/HP.
Anyway if you can observe yourself, single, with someone or doing whatever, you got it right IMHO... you can step back and reflect and soulsearch before doing something you would have done automatically in the past.
I am with the poster that talks about intuition, you and you alone know if you are being honest with yourself, and if you respect yourself enough now, not to put yourself in vulnerable situations.
Anyway my codie/alkie experience is very small compared to the hells other ppl have gone through.
Here is hoping we are honest, honest and more honest with ourselves, with romantic interests, and above all with God/HP.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: uk
Posts: 464
Sorry ali..never read the 18yrs age difference...thats actually quite scary...like another said..maybe daddy issues...the reason i say..there is 10 yrs between me and my wife an to be honest..we pretty much cant stand each other..the happiest times we have are in seperate rooms...everythin she likes i hate...vice/versa..all the shallow contrived sit/com with no depth or meanin..its become more so actually..our 3 yr old is why were still together...age is a big factor like it or not...an 18yrs is a huge gap...at first the romance/sex was good after 6yrs gone...now just hooked up doin our own things financially bonded...but with a cool kid..actually not sure what to do for the best...
good luck to you.
good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Thumper
I used to wonder 'how do they find the good ones, how do they know to steer clear of the bad fits?' but perhaps the good one's find them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I have been in two long term relationships with men 14 and 12 years older. The age thing was no big deal. I do think that I outgrew them, but you are kind of passed that phase at 37.
If the person is compatable with you, then so be it. I don't think age is that important. It depends on the person.
The red flag to me is that you are newly out of your relationship. I waited, but that was what I needed.
Whatever you choose, I hope you find happiness and contentment.
If the person is compatable with you, then so be it. I don't think age is that important. It depends on the person.
The red flag to me is that you are newly out of your relationship. I waited, but that was what I needed.
Whatever you choose, I hope you find happiness and contentment.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I had a short lived FWB type relationship with a charming, attractive, intelligent and funny man (also one who wasn't about to allow his gonads to be under anyone else's control, ha ha ha) during my divorce, after years of separation and celibacy. I discovered that that worked fine for me as long as the person really is a friend, and someone I'd want to spend time with even without the B part. He's still a valued friend, 3 years later. Casual dating isn't for everyone, but there was no negative fallout in my life from that particular case. However, I kinda think I lucked out; I haven't been tempted to experiment in that direction again.
As long as you are being entirely honest with yourself about what you do and don't want, I say rock n roll.
As long as you are being entirely honest with yourself about what you do and don't want, I say rock n roll.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Alizerin
1.) He's got 12 years sobriety
2.) Divorced for 11 Years
3.) Only known him to date one woman in three years
4.) He's well liked in AA, he's the kind of guy "What you see is what you get"
5.) Self-employed contractor and does well
6.) He's a motorcycle riding, guitar playing, sculpter (I'm an artist) <toungue wag>.
7.) He's got many AA friends, his was the first house I went to hang out with others outside the rooms of AA. He likes having friends over. Very friendly
8.) He loves hiking, camping and has a boat!
9.) He's handsome
.
.
.
.
10.) He's 18 years older than I am.
2.) Divorced for 11 Years
3.) Only known him to date one woman in three years
4.) He's well liked in AA, he's the kind of guy "What you see is what you get"
5.) Self-employed contractor and does well
6.) He's a motorcycle riding, guitar playing, sculpter (I'm an artist) <toungue wag>.
7.) He's got many AA friends, his was the first house I went to hang out with others outside the rooms of AA. He likes having friends over. Very friendly
8.) He loves hiking, camping and has a boat!
9.) He's handsome
.
.
.
.
10.) He's 18 years older than I am.
1.) He had 13 years sobriety when I met him.
2.) Divorced for many many years
3.) Don't know how many women he dated before me.
4.) He's well liked in AA, sponsors a lot of people, very active in AA, is a member of the Shriners.
5.) Self-employed over-the-road driver, and did well (retired now)
6.) He's a Harley riding, former rodeo bronc busting, rugged guy <tongue wag>.
7.) He's got many AA friends, more than I can count. He likes having friends over. Very friendly
8.) He loves riding and camping!
9.) He's handsome
.
.
.
.
10.) He's 20 years older than I am.
That being said, he was/is a swell guy within the confines of AA and its social circle.
Outside of that he was/is a deadbeat dad, and I learned the hard way that he wasn't necessarily "what you see is what you get" kind of guy.
It was a whole different ballgame once I found out I was pregnant.
Just tread carefully, okay?
I don't know of anyone who isn't on their best behavior when new to a friendship.
That's my two cents.
Go ask the Multivax
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 2,481
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
My personal experience, and my 21 year old's father. I met him when I was a year clean/sober at an AA dance.
1.) He had 13 years sobriety when I met him.
2.) Divorced for many many years
3.) Don't know how many women he dated before me.
4.) He's well liked in AA, sponsors a lot of people, very active in AA, is a member of the Shriners.
5.) Self-employed over-the-road driver, and did well (retired now)
6.) He's a Harley riding, former rodeo bronc busting, rugged guy <tongue wag>.
7.) He's got many AA friends, more than I can count. He likes having friends over. Very friendly
8.) He loves riding and camping!
9.) He's handsome
.
.
.
.
10.) He's 20 years older than I am.
That being said, he was/is a swell guy within the confines of AA and its social circle.
Outside of that he was/is a deadbeat dad, and I learned the hard way that he wasn't necessarily "what you see is what you get" kind of guy.
It was a whole different ballgame once I found out I was pregnant.
Just tread carefully, okay?
I don't know of anyone who isn't on their best behavior when new to a friendship.
That's my two cents.
1.) He had 13 years sobriety when I met him.
2.) Divorced for many many years
3.) Don't know how many women he dated before me.
4.) He's well liked in AA, sponsors a lot of people, very active in AA, is a member of the Shriners.
5.) Self-employed over-the-road driver, and did well (retired now)
6.) He's a Harley riding, former rodeo bronc busting, rugged guy <tongue wag>.
7.) He's got many AA friends, more than I can count. He likes having friends over. Very friendly
8.) He loves riding and camping!
9.) He's handsome
.
.
.
.
10.) He's 20 years older than I am.
That being said, he was/is a swell guy within the confines of AA and its social circle.
Outside of that he was/is a deadbeat dad, and I learned the hard way that he wasn't necessarily "what you see is what you get" kind of guy.
It was a whole different ballgame once I found out I was pregnant.
Just tread carefully, okay?
I don't know of anyone who isn't on their best behavior when new to a friendship.
That's my two cents.
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